Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi there, well... well... well... i am still involved with the person i mentioned to you all.... but... cupid side is winning this time.

It is a long story to talk about (also a topic not so pleasant for me) but well..... the thing is that this person loves someone else (and why do we have sex then? yes.. i wonder the same). I guess i should explain more the situation... The person i was dating (or i am still dating somehow) lived in Netherlands for several years, until a year a go... there had a special someone (a Brazilian guy) and they were quite in love, but well.. then things changed and this person had to come back to Ecuador. I think they are still emailing each other and stuff like that.. a friend of mine told me that the person i date has pics of this guy inside the mobile.

Soooo.... cupid cupid cupid, am i right? To say true, the night we were chatting over msn with this person and told about this guy.... it was a big hit... like the song crash, boom, bang.... you know... when someone tells you "i have someone special in my heart and he is the only one inside my heart and i want to keep him there", then i thought ok it is all over.... but then i was thinking that sometimes life get us together with someone... in a specific time, to teach us something... and same way life send us away from someone in a specific time... to teach us something. Perhaps i am wrong, but i don't think it is healthy to stick to a great love that is in the past, when it might be over or when it becomes something impossible.... but off course i would not say that to the person i am dating... people in love tend not to be open to this kind of ideas.

Well, that night i cried. Oh yeah... i did. And one more time... it is something i don't do since December 2001.. when i broke up with my first serious partner. Fuck.... it feels so bad.... felt like i was dying.... i could not help out myself... and i wrote again.... a sad poem. I will post it to you. After this.. i took couple of days away from this person.... not phone calls, no messages... i was confused and trying to decide what to do... reflecting why life goes this way.... some friends advised me not to call, not get in contact.. and i was doing so.. when one night i was on-line on msn and this person got connected... DAMN! my heart Jumped... like if it would like to scape from my chest... had an internal fight....

my heart wanted to scream: "HIIII!! how are you? :)"
and my mind was saying "SHUT UP Looser!!! lets ignore this...and demonstrate we are stronger and have self pride"

At the end i did nothing while this person was on-line... but as soon as got disconnected... i sent an sms wishing nice dreams (doesn't it sound pathetic and silly?... God... what is happening to me?!!). Next day i called.... this person was a bit ... aggressive... i don't know... it looks to me like we both are confused with what is happening.... gave me a private phone number to call and while talking i noticed this person was being very aggressive, something had never happened before... like if trying to send me away... then i thought... "why do you give me your private phone number if you try to send me away?". Still with all the aggressiveness we arranged a date for yesterday....

We met, talked about several things... some personal issues... i asked... why were you so aggressive with me these days? answered: i don't know.. i was perhaps under too much stress... Then we walked a lot... talked, and then started to argue... (oups...) about love... if love is a decision that can be taken or it is just a feeling you can't control. I think it is a decision, you decide whom to love, to hate, to forgive... that makes heart change, i know it can also happen vice versa but then it would mean you are like ship without control moved by your heart up and down.... well.. that was the fight.. to me it was interesting but this person got angry and told me " I want to go home"... i said: "ok", talked few words in the way to the buss stop... and once there i waited behind to let this person go... i was angry and frustrated... i didn't want this person to go... this person turned around and looked at me and smiled (that killed me) i asked.. come on, don't go. ok. i won't go. (isn't it all romantic... damn...).

Well... we stayed together talking, laughed a bit, and well.. wanted to go for a coffee but ended up somewhere else in a private place ;))) it was a nice night, then we were talking and... i could see some bright in those nice eyes that kill me. I said: I want you to know you are special to me... this person answered: I think i know it... smiled, and then left.

Well.. sooooooo....we are still somehow dating.... not sure until when or what will happen... i just know that if life put this person in my life for me to learn something... i am willing to learn and let this person learn from me.

Well, here i will also post the other poem i wrote. I have updated the other post with the other poem adding a translation as well. Hope you like it, poka.

Please remember original version of this poem was done in Spanish so in English it might not sound that well.

Labels: Personal