Nomad JuanCa's Report
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
It is confirmed. I'm sick.
Well, i got the confirmation test yesterday. Now i am officially sick with a non curable illness. It was a mess... i had to go with someone from a foundation working with people with this kind of illness... i wasn't brave enough to do it alone. Well after lot of waiting... i was called.
Deep inside i was hoping not to be sick wit this... but when the Dr. told that it was confirmed.... the only thing i could say was.. "Oh my God....." while my whole world fallen down.... I was trembling and shocked. Felt that everything fallen, like if a big comet had hit my world and destroyed all my life... all my dreams... all my world. The only thing that helped me in that moment was to stick to my faith to God.. i was praying so much inside "help me, help me, help me... help me to learn to live with this".
The Dr. was understanding and professional... didn't let me fall completely and told me that there are still several ways to live with this, eventhough... i have to be more carefull and i will have to necessarily change my way of living. Government here offers some programms to threat this kind of illness and that i needed to be checked inmediatly to see the state of my illness and confirm if i need medicins right now.
When we left, i tried to scape from this place (literally). I went to the foundation with the girl who had been with me, and she asked me: what happened what was the result? (Dr. didn't allowed her to get into the room). I answered "Dr gave me the letter to get into the government programme". She said... "oh.. ok."
Well, we talked in the foundation office... i just could not belive it. I tried to force my mind to accept it... but inside of me something was saying "No No No... this could be wrong!!. It is not happening to me this time!!! Am i dreaming? will i wake up soon and realize this was just a nightmare?". Although... Dr. was clear... it is confirmed. There is no doubt about this.... no more tests are needed.
Yesterday spent the whole day trying to convince myself that it is true and i am sick, had a nightmare (i usually never even dream). I was home alone yesterday night... and found the way of not getting home early. I arrived around midnight. Turned on tv and then went to sleep... Dr adviced i cannot go to bed late anymore.
Well, three friends of mine know about this. One lives in Moscow, other one is also ill with this since three months ago but i know him since 2 years ago and the third person is a mature woman whom i have talked over the phone and she is also sick but we have never met so far. Still with it, she has been very supportive. Today i just woke up, hoping to find a way to process this all and start a new life. Because eventhough the city is the same... true is that i see it all different. When i look myself in the mirror... i dont see myself, i see same face and same body, but it is not me anymore... it is someone different... i carry on with the same body, but the body is not mine.. cause now i don't control it anymore.. the illness does... and now is living with me, sharing a single room, sharing my bed, sharing my world... or what was left of it.
I need to learn how to get along with this, and i hope i will. I do think so.
posted by JuanCa at 12:25 PM
8 Comments:
Whatever happens in life, happens for a reason! I know you can go through this! And live your life to the fullest!
Hi dear Irina, thanks a lot for your nice words, sorry i could not answer you before... i was too ... dont know... my mind was just totally into this i am living now.
I am ok, i mean... i accept it. Everybody is telling me to go to Dr. inmediatly but i want a rest, at least this week before going back to worry about this.
My family does not know, so it makes it a bit hard being home everyday and not being able to tell it when i see them. I will but i have to find the right moment.
You are right, whatever happens is for a reason... i still don't know what's the main goal behind this but i am open to find it. I'm trying to keep on living without thinking that i could die soon or not. This is a degenerative illness... so the beginning feels ok, i actually feel nothing... i am worried about the years to come.
A psichologist told me to go day by day.. step by step... i will try. Thanks one more time for your nice words. Send you a big big big hug moi drug. poka.
Amigo, no estoy tan segura de tu mail. Escríbeme a bellota_rock@hotmail.com para yo darte unas alternativas, quizás algo podemos hacer.
Hi Negrita, my email is juanc77 at yahoo.com. Listen... there is nothing you can do with this. It has no cure. I can threat it... but i can't cure it.
I am trying to get into this goverment programme but my silly boss still dont give me the docs i need so i haven't seen Dr yet. Off course she does not know my life depend on this.
Once i join the programme i will need to take other tests, those ones will say if i need medicins right now or not. If i dont need them, most probably Dr will examinate me from time to time until this illness gets strong... and i get weak... and i will start with medicins... once that begins... it all will depend on my care, my luck, the strenght to follow and stand the threatment, and moslty God's Help.
I have met over internet these days lot of people who are living over 20 years with this, some of them are perfectly ok, some of them have been about to die several times. So.... there is nothing written. I will have to see it by myself.
I thank you, Irina and Priscila for your nice words and care. I just ask you one thing: Threat me like if everything is normal.... i know i am sick, but i won't die soon. Thats my goal. I need to feel not much has changed... i want to keep on LIVING (not surviving).
The friendship from all of you means lot to me, cause in the hard times is when real friends show up and give a hand and a smile... and freak ones goes away. Big hugs.
Sé que mis enfermedades en teoría tienen cura pero si sé lo que es estar enferma y cómo se siente, por muy grave o no que sea la enfermedad sé los sentimientos que puedes estar teniendo en términos de tener una enfermedad, no si es curable o no. Tú eres una persona muy energética, con mucho carisma y lo más importante es demostrarlo, no importa en que circunstancias estés. Cómo tú dices, no pretendes morir pronto por lo mismo disfruta aún más tu vida :) Cuídate mucho amigo y recuerda que tienes mi apoyo
Love you negrita, you are great.
i feel so nice i have good friends and that when i face hard times, you all are there to hug me.
It is amazing, i am such a lucky boy.... i dont care if i die tomorrow, cause today with friends like you all... i feel so fucking happy!!!
ehy juanca...
siento que la unica cosa que puedo decir en este momento es...si necesitas...sabes que tienes un amigo mas...aun hasta junio en ecuador...
ademas trata de disfrutar, mas que antes, cada segundo.
Luigi
Luigi.. meu caro amigo (i hope that was italian...). Thanks for your words. It means lot to me and i have always considered you a good friend. Send you a big hug!!!
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