Nomad JuanCa's Report

Today was a normal day, not much emotions and that was nice. I need to have more of this type of days. Good news, one of the two troubles i had at work got solved today (the easiest one) about the other... none said a word today... so i guess the discussion reached higher levels in the Alegro PCS evolution chain.

During morning i went to do my first test prescribed by Dr in a particular hospital, then went to social security hospital cause i needed to get some x-rays done....i was received with this news: "There's no material, call after few days to see IF we have it". Nothing else i can do i guess. Luckily i am healhty. Yep, i am a fortunate guy.

Went back Home with Mom and were talking a lot, she took the chance to ask me some questions about my illness, and we had a great time, plus she made lunch
for me..mmmm!!!! tasty!!!!!! Then headed to work. There was some minor problem about eating at working place.... so we'll have a meeting on thursday morning, that's fine.. i mean there are bigger things in life to worry about, the only thing is that it crosses with my schedule for exams prescribed by Dr, but i hope i will manage to get everything done before the meeting.

It was not easy to say all the things i posted yesterday night, it was very personal. At first I felt ashamed.... i didn't even want to read my blog. Although now i am glad i post it, i feel free. You know shame does not serve me at all... now that i know i might leave you, i guess it makes sense to speak out my mind before i go.. I want to be totally myself and not to fear what others may think, after all... this is MY life.

For the rest of afternoon, I was looking for some info about eating healthy, and found some interesting info on internet, also about illness related with loosing weight. Something remarkable i have found about the people with my same illnes is that they develop such a wide and deep knowledge about all sort of additional illnes that
might affect them, also about medicins to threat them. Sometimes they become as good as pharmacist. Today i was reading a bit and found out i know nothing about cells, proteins, inhibitors, glucose, and much more. mmm... looks like there lot to read about. A LOT. Knowledge is power they say. I want to have power too.

Tomorrow i have appointment with my psychologist together with my mom. I have to admit these meetings are helping me out to deal with this. I want to talk to Claudia (Psycologist) about the way i am dealing with this, the empty feeling inside, the feeling of having lost myself and some other stuff. I am making team with my mother to face this, she is always there supporting me... despite the fights, love is always there. And...like Lilo said: "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten" (Lilo & Stich). And that's so true... and i thank God for it.

Plus, i have been thinking i need to re-formulate my goals for this year.. due to the obvious changes. So i checked them up and reorganised them this way:

1. Finish the year healthy and without medicins.Totally possible.


2. Talk a bit more with my mother and make sure she is happy. That's actually happening and i like it. Since she knows i am sick we talk about 5 or 6 times per
   day. I am sad i gave her such a bad news about my health... but i can still make her happy and proud of me.


3. Get rid of debts with my credit cards. Top priority.


4. Become Administrator or any higher responsibility within Alegro PCS. Or.. find a part time job as soon as i can.


5. Finish the year with 70kg. That's funny cause despite of my illness i am still 78kg aprox. I still want to lose weight, but i have heard i must be carefull,
   if i don't control myself and go hand to hand with Dr. i might get very weak and thin. As for now, i will start with few exercises at home.


6. Wake up early everyday 7am and do exercises 5 days a week. Mmm... let's change that... i need to rest so lets say 9am 2 days a week (until i find the part time
   job)


7. To live by myself (or with someone else) by the end of the year. This is still possible....mmmm... but i am not sure if i am that interested in it right now. I need to get used to what is happening to me, and i might need help. Right now i live alone at Mother's House and sometimes i feel too lonely (specially after diagnosed) other days i feel i need some silent time with myself only. I'll see.


8. Finish the year with 1000 usd of saving in my bank accounts. I will feel myself ok if i get rid of debts.


9. Go back to University. I guess this will have to wait.

So... with this adjustment, lets see what else is 2007 going to bring. I remember that by the beginning of the year i said this would be a hard year... never knew how right i was.... next time i will shut my big mouth off ;).

I love calmed days, like today, when nothing happens, and you don't need to react, nor to protect yourself against anything/anyone, these calm days... are to be enjoyed... because they just let you BE.

Labels: New life, same illness