Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi, meeting my Dr yesterday was not what i expected....

First i had to go to the other side of the city to pick up the last document i needed in order to present to social security and get the appointment. Done. Arrived to the Hospital around midday.

Went to look for Dr's office... and then... damn... some people i know. What a Hell!!!. I actually didn't know the couple of people who were seating in the waiting room of my Dr but i know i have seen the once or twice somewhere... they looked at me approaching and openned their eyes wide open.... oh yeah.... that wasn't nice. So i didn't stop in my Dr office but kept walking.

I know it is silly but i don't like people staring at me... come on.... give me a break!. I called a friend from the foundation i am attending and she called the psychologist that works with the Dr so she would meet me outisde in the area next to the Dr's office. When i saw her.. i though... nice woman, pretty... but very young... then, while she was still standing in the waiting room of my Dr's office she saw me... and SCREAMED: "Juan Carlos!!! Juan Carlos!!!". And i changed my mind.....fucking bitch!

She came closer and was still screaming my name so, i had to tell her: could you please stop saying my name so loud? As i talked to her, and perhaps due to the first impression....i disliked her. I mean she is pretty, very pretty, but very fashioun style girl...you know? She seems to me like a teenager who is always willing to look so cool!! you know always in the move, in vogue!!.... And i hate that. I mean i was a bit like that in highschool... but that was like 10 years ago. I think she is also, careless for what i feel, there were several terms she used while talking with me that i dislike.... and i had to tell her, you know this words you are using are offensive. She said... well they are common words, in fact if you check them... they are not offensive really, but you are much more sensible now because of your situation. Perhaps, perhaps...who knows....... she might be a fucking bitch but she is not silly (there is no silly woman in this world i think).

Well she helped me to find where to register myself and open my folder as it was the first time i went to social security services. I have never been sick before... and now.. i am in such a situation i could die. Fuck off!! And when i arrived there to open my folder... i saw what you see in this pic.

Aha... closed. Or better say openned but emtpy... that's same like closed to me. In that moment i remembered... God Damn... Social Security... where the hell i have fallen... and it is actually Hell. Social security services in Ecuador are well known for being a disaster, careless attention, lack of medicins, too many procedures and few people working all the time. Yesterday as it was thursday before Easter they decided would not work whole day.... eventhough they never work whole day, just from 8am until 2pm. I had to wait almost an hour until this f*/$& woman came back!!! She attended me and sent to another windown that was... guess.... it was empty too. I was looking like this...

So well around 2h30 pm it was solved after begging, praying, and looking for someone to help me. I wanted to tell this man of the last window who didnt want to help me: you know man.... i could die!. And in fact i almost did. I told him: Please help me, i need to see Dr Xyz, i am ill and don't feel right. He looked at me help me out, but it was embarrasing... one does not have to beg for health attention... oh well... in Ecuador you have to.

Went to waiting room, it was almost emtpy... great!! I talked to couple of people there... one is a girl and she is also newly diagnosed. She was devastated and lost in the process... she didn't even had confirmation test. Before me there was a guy talking to her, and giving her motivation. Later i met this guy and he told me he has been 6 years ill and never hit any hospital bed. I though that is great!!. Then i asked... and since when you are taking medicines? Six month after i was diagnosed. OH SHIT i though. In this illness once you start medicines they are forever.... you can't stop them. You have to take them in strict schedules.. every certain time they give you different prescriptions but... you will be with medicines for the rest of your life. That actually might not be a problem.... except for the fact that this threatment is as strong as chemoterapy. Yes, it is. So side effects are always there. In the case of this guy, who was rather fat type he told me he had never had any side effects, but have heard about people feeling like dying and worst with medicines than without them. My God.. where did you put me? I though. I have been reading about side effects and there is something very common... Lipodistrophy. Lipo what? yep, i asked the same. This is an illness (or condition, i don't know) but well the thing is that due to some medicines, your methabolic work inside your body changes, and the body automatically reorganize the fats you have... and you can't control it. So slowly... you get a bit...deformed. Ok, not really deformed, i have heard about cases where people ends up with very thin legs..(Oh my God...am i starting with it? hope not...i haven't started with meds yet)... but they start to have big bellys, and look overweighted. For woman they start to see their brass start to grow... or you have too much fat in other areas like down your chin, face, below armpits. That is not reversible, it won't change with excercise. With the years some people took liposuction surgery as an option and some of them have seen good results. Isn't this all too big? Other side effects are fever, feeling sleepy, feeling tired, pain in differnt parts of the body, some medicins might affect liver or kidneys... this thing is a whole new world (another one? come on...let me rest). Risky in way of seeing it so i want to prevent myself from medicines.

As any illness motivation and care is a big thing, so i am planning to look after myself in the right ways so i won't need strong medicines never!. I am optimistic in that....or i was before seeing Dr. She called me, she is an old woman. Weighted me, took blood pressure... i asked. is it all alright? they answered me... are you worried? i said...well i worry about everything now. Blood pressure is fine. We talked and talked and talked, i told my synthoms, about the diarreah and all that. Showed her my first exams, and bla bla bla. Then she gave me something too strong that i wasn't ready for...

"Look according to the standard for non curable illness in USA there are four levels, the number 4 is the worst, cause it means the illness is really advanced and your risk your life. There are several synthoms in every level and there are different conditions to point out, but according to what we have just talked, i think you are on level 3 or 4" - she said.

WWWWHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTT?????????????????????????????????

LEVEL 3 OR 4???

WWWWHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT???????????????????????????????????

My God this woman is telling me i am going to die ... soon. Fuck off!! Double shit!!! And then something happened...defense system turned on and my mind stopped processing anything... i keep on hearing, listening, recording... but couldn't analyze a word of what she said. Plus right now i really hate when they come out with unexpected things... come on... fuck you everybody...GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!! She said that due to the illness and the diarreah i might have lost over 10% of my normal weight and that it was clear condition for level 3 or 4. Plus the diarreah have me weak so my body is not really fighting the illness now and bla bla bla... i might die soon. Whatever she said i thouhg.. "i might die soon".

Today is thursday she said... i might die soon i though.

what is your name she said... i might die soon i though.

I showed her that just the first day i got sick (07/04/07) i had weighted myself (God is so precautious!) and i weighted 179.12 pounds. Right now i weight 173 pounds. She kept on telling i had lost over 10% of body weight and my defenses are definitely low and the diarreah and bla bla bla. She convinced me.. i was lost and in worst condition than i though. Well i think i had such a face that she had to tell me... you have to worry about this and keep on living, you have to make your decision to fight and all that i have already trying to build in my mind before... but come on... level three is an earthquake in my ruined world. I asked if there could be a possibility that i can be ok, even after having diarreah and loosing weight... she said "we have to be sincere, i dont want to lie to you.... we have to face this and you have to know you are in a dangerous condition". Oh... i said, ok. fine.

We kept on talking to see if i had any other damage related with the illness and well... she examinated me and i was totally ok. Then something very embarrasing happened.... i told her i have had some eruptions in my legs in the past 5 years, she wanted to see it. I told her:

• Me: but i have to undress... it is down in my leg.


• DR: Do it.


• Me: Here? (there were 4 women there... including the pretty but silly psychologist)


• DR: yes, here.

Oh my God,..... that was embarrasing... but i though...whatever!!! it is not the first time i undress in front of others anyways... thanks to AIESEC. The eruptions were nothing actually, just something else in my body but nothing to worry about. Well Dr prescribed me some medicin for stomach infection and ordered like 5 more tests. With the tests answers she will confirm her diagnosis. I hope she will be wrong.

I left hospital around 4pm. Yep... 4 pm. Went to work thinking that i could die, i had to talk to someone so i told my other friend and i told my mother. Off course she almost die with me. I could not hide it, i was too worried. Later while in my work i could not just.. take out of my mind Dr words... level 3 or 4. Fuck off!! i am not ready for that i always assumed this illness was just starting in me... and that i could fight with Stichito (Stichito is the friendly name i gave to the illness... i know it is Disney style.. but come on, Stich was nice and Stichito is with lot of tenderness). Then i called other friend to talk about these standards and he confirmed the info. I started to made numbers and found....DR IS WRONG. I mean i haven't lost over 10% of my weight... just 4 or 5%, not much to be happy for but it means i am not within this parameter.

So, as for me. I think i am ok. I am in great shape (and i wanted to lose weight since long time ago anyways). And i don't consider myself in level 3 or 4 of any illness. Period. Thats it. I understand Dr might have done wrong numbers and my mind was not ready to correct her but i dont think i will die soon. Come on, look at my pics and i am in great shape. So next thursday i will take my exams and then i will be back to Dr's office and she will say... YOU ARE PERFECTLY OK. Because that's all i will accept from her.... no more bad news in my life. I have said it.

Plus, i dislike i feel they don't understand what i am facing now... i felt Dr was saying... this all is your fault. Plus i felt i was not even human for them... i was expecting some talk, some understanding... i am human being, new in this... i am not just a number. But i accept Dr must have attended over 50 patients yesterday so one more was not a big thing. Well... these are the news in my world, Reporting from devastation camp.. your friend. JuanCa.

And don't worry about me, i know i am fine. Period.

Labels: New life