Nomad JuanCa's Report

Aha, i had a better day today :) and... got a haircut!! To say true i was trying to get one since some time ago... and i just could not find time. Thanks to easter i did it. I got my hair very short... There is no special reason for it, i just wanted to have it that way. Perhaps as a way of showing how rebel i am with everything that is happening right now. Here my just taken pics.

This is the face of the new me.

Today i assimilated one more thing about my new life, I will have to go through it alone. I mean there are people always around who gives you a word of encouragement like you all, and who try to be with you when they can... but true is that at the end of the day... in this new world... is just Myself against Stichito.

And i also understand that being with me while i am ok, it is nice. It is normal, but when (or if) things get harder... some people might not want to be there. We all have our own problems, and own challenges, it would be stupid and naif from me to expect there would be someone willing to share this heavy weight with me. Plus.. this is a lesson for me, a test i have to approve. In my new world, there are some people that loves me... but cannot totally understand me, none can put themselves on my feet, others that understand me and respect me but don't want to get involve in all that is happening to me right now, they like to be in a the easy place of this new story. Like the friend who told me today... "I understand you... but i don't want to get involved in it". At first i could not believe it and it hurt... i considered him my best friend in this moment. He is also ill. Then i understood he might be too busy with his own problems to have time for mines.... and thats ok. Perhaps it is better this way.

I want to tell you a secret... i fear death. Not my death... but the death of others around me. It is not because i have this illness, i have been afraid of this since long long long time ago. I am afraid one day in my life i will wake up and that all my friends will be gone... to a better place, and that all that i will have in my heart would be just remembrances. Not being able to talk to my mother when i need her, realising all the meaningful people in my world are not there anymore. That would be a hard thing to accept and to deal with. Now.. i understand this might not happen, cause i could still leave this world before you (feels I've got a ticked booked already Lol) but still there is the chance that i can last long enough to see some of you part. That would be too hard for me.

Strange thoughts, i guess. Most of you don't think about death... or prefer not to, cause it is something none knows when it will come.... it seems to be so far away. Although for me, Death is a reality in my new world and i am afraid (and Dr didn't help).

But i am starting to try to go day by day... so... current situation analysis is: I lost almost everything i had. Although i have some things: The inner me and my health... for the time it lasts. I have these two tools against Stichito and i will use them. So current strategy is: The inner myself will rebuild my world and find ways to maintain or increase my good health. My health will help the inner myself to reach this goal. That's what is planned at this moment, if something fails... i will make a decision when it happens.

Today was a good day, stayed home with Mom, getting along better. She made nice food for me, Fish!! I loved it. Talked to my friends at work and a friend of us is just pregnant, thats nice... she was not expecting it... so i had to give her some words of encouragement (oh yeah... can you believe it?). While doing it, i tried not to just say words.. but to look inside myself some inner force to share with her... and i found few, and i shared it and it felt ok. There are some gifts God gives us when we less expect them... she might feel lost like me, off course different reasons but still a big change in life... change your world and freak you out. Then watching TV and i saw a strange movie "Being John Malkovich". Have you seen it?

Being John Malkovich is about some guy that finds a secret portal that takes him inside the mind of someone else (this case John Malkovich). At first i didn't understand it, but as i have heard about the movie before i decided to keep on watching... it was weird movie, but at the end... i understood something. I am John Malkovich. I mean... the story, is somehow like what i am feeling, i took the portal and now i am inside someone else. It is my same body but it is someone else cause it is not the old healthy Juanca i always knew i had.. and that i though always would be with me... but right now.. he is not, he is gone.

You know... now that i reflect... i saw same topic twice today. Today in the afternoon i saw a TV serie about travelling back in the past and this guy had to go to the past to save Pope from being killed. The trouble was that when he arrived to the past, he found himself inside Pope's body. I laugh right now.... i didn't relate that TV serie with what is happening to me now... so God found out the way to deliver me the message a second time today, until i finally got it. I am sorry for being so short in view Lord. I also saw a movie about Spartacus and how he fought to live free, he learnt that live means nothing if you don't fight for it. I almost miss the message sent from above to me today.... Lord, thanks for keeping on talking to me everyday... sometimes i walk going to my work and i hear songs playing loud, Gospels saying "He will give you peace in the middle of the storm". And i thank Him (God) cause i know and believe that in life everything happens for a reason. And believe me, God do talk to us everyday, are you open to listen to Him?

So, my advice... never take yourself for granted. Worry a bit about yourself, your health, your body, your life and others around you. But please do it now...I am serious in this, I beg you... DO IT TODAY.....life changes too fast and unexpectedly, believe me... look at myself and listen to me. Cause one day... all from sudden life changes and there is no warning about it. Suddenly it all turns upside down... but if you are conscious of what you have and who you are right now... and enjoy it, that will help you not to miss (much) the things you might lose when the time arrives. Seems like i am learning about myself... oh wow... i am evolving!! Lol. Irina left me a word in my mind for this holiday... resurrection. RESURRECTION. That's a nice word.... i will meditate about its meaning tomorrow. I want to resurrect my world.

Mother invited me to go out tomorrow, looks like my uncle will go to a swimming pool... i am actually not in mood for going out, not much reasons to be happy and celebrate lately... but i think i might go with them. I have been closed in my small new world and my house too much lately. Let's see what's outside there!!

Labels: New life, same illness