Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi, today talking to Max, from Quito, i was telling about my recent facts and he told me these words in latin "Noli me tangere" he said it meant "Don't let anything touch me" I found a slightly different meaning in Wikipedia "Don't touch me" eventhough can be used same way. This phrase was taken from Bible (John 20:17). There are several reasons why this phrase made its way until my blog today... some reasons you don't know but that are part of the puzzle (my life) that i am trying to re make right now.

None of you know, but before making my way to a non curable illness... i was struggling financially and had troubles paying my debts. How come? well, until last May i used to have two jobs and was making around 700 usd monthly working 8h 7 days a week. Then i was fired from one job and stayed with the one i have. Income fallen from 700 usd to 180 usd. The problem is that i am paying some stuff i bought while i had a good income. I didn't look for another job inmediatly cause i was tired... over a year with two jobs every single day (even holidays and weekends) it is somehow too much, and i though i could make it with the one job i had. I know i was wrong, you don't need to tell me.

So... the situation before my illness was.... i have debts over 2.600 USD with almost all my credit cards and the company where i bought my laptop. Plus as i am living alone i have to pay electricity, water, phone and all that on monthly basis. It means that i would need to pay around 500 to 600 usd monthly, when my salary is 180 usd after taxes. Oh yeah... when i said struggling i meant it. For several reasons (that i don't remember right now) i haven't been able to pay my credit cards since December 06, that was a problem... they call me all the time... same with the computer, and by beginning of March (few days before of me getting sick) i got water cut at home... and still is. Yes.. i have no water at home at this moment. My mother sometimes ask neighbors to give us some. As i spend most of my time out home i don't feel it much.

I remember myself asking God some help, i dislike having debts and it bothers me... and then... certain comet hit me. I didn't see it coming. I got diagnosed with this non curable illness. I was saying to Irina i had been hit lot lately, well... this is the whole picture.... when i said i had been hit a lot, i meant it. After the two tests and two shocks my diagnosis got confirmed, found my way to see Dr and i got this "level 3 or 4" classification that puts closer to heaven (Lol). Then i had a nice weekend, i though.. that's all... i have my big debts, my big illness, my big diagnosis... nothing else could be bad!.... but i was wrong.

Today i had two troubles at work. Somehow big. By 06/03/07 (a day before getting ill) I had some client renewing his contract with my company, he wanted to apply to some promotion, so i called our call center to make sure if he could apply and if promotion was still available. I was said yes to both questions.... but since last week i am involved in a internal discussion, cause the supervisors now say the info was wrong and this client didn't apply for the promotion. That is actually not a big problem, except from the fact that with the promotion this client got a discount of over 100 usd. Supervisor's head told me today: "I am sorry we cannot assume such a loss, it is too much money... we have to get it from somewhere". And that somewhere... might mean... my already weak pocket. Then i had another client with another problem, but i think that one is easier to solve (if they don't discover this client also applied to that promotion that now they say it is wrong). That means i didn't do it wrong by intention. I was told several times these clients applied for the promotion... and none said a word, until last week. Off course i cannot use that in my defense cause i risk that all those contracts might be broken and i would have to pay 100 usd per each one of them. Silly isn't it? So i just have my word to fight and I have my fingers so crossed.

Today i told the story to one of my good friends and he said "you know.. i don't know what to tell you... i know it is all falling on you at the same time...i just don't know what to say". I have been told not to stress cause it is not good for my health.... but i have had such headaches today.... for instance i felt my head would fall on the floor. The back part of my neck is in such a pain. I ate 2 hamburguers (which i actually should not) and felt a bit better. I feel there is no rest for me now... feels like God is making a strenght test on me... wish He would stop it..... I am thinking in having another job again... but i have to stablish with my visits to Dr and my illness cause i can't get a new job and ask for permission to visit Dr too often... plus, with my illness i am suggested to rest more... ha ha... to rest more, is it a joke?

Then i looked at my whole picture... oh God... it is like hell.... and the funny part is that it makes me laugh... i mean...i can't imagine not even in my dreams someone with so many problems like i have right now. I mean not even in movies... that's funny you know? sometimes i laugh and say to myself.. "God must be crazy!!!" with respect off course. Only in his mind this situation could be possible.... and still i wonder.... Man (God), how come do you let this illness fall on me when i am already in troubles?? I mean i could have been ill of this anytime... but why now? why all together? haven't you realised it is too heavey weight on a simple human's being?... and i have no answer... or sometimes yes, sometimes he gives me hints on how to go through it. Like today.

These are the reasons why i am weak and tired (and perhaps negative) these days... it is not only the illness itself which is already a big problem... it is all the others things as well. I want to point something..I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANY FINANCIAL HELP NOR ANY KIND OF MONEY. Have it clear. So please don't dare to make such offer. I just wanted to share the whole picture of this new world with you those who care about me, so you can best understand me. I am not requesting pity, no sorry feelings, nor pobrecito (poor guy) thoughs. This is just me, how my life is going and the test that has been put in front of me.... the whole truth. I decided that Noli me tangere would be my phrase today... cause i won't let any of these things touch me, nor touch my heart. They said "God never gives you more than what you can stand". I have been standing these troubles since December.... on March they got really worst... and today... there was just one more rock put on my already heavy weight.... but i don't tremble, sometimes i seem to be falling... sometimes. Sometimes it is tiring... but i am not totally weak at all. Cause someone prevents me to fall completely.... i never knew i would be so strong... and it is because i am not that strong, that's the truth. There's someone else helping me from above and he carries my heavy weight when i need to rest.... like right now and when i need a hand... he gives me two plus a word of encouragement, and rises me. Like today, like right now. Noli me tangere tonight.

Labels: New life, same illness, Spiritual