Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: La Bouche /Song: Be my lover /Country: Germany

These days there have been some ghosts around my life. Not Ghosts like in that romantic movie we all saw long time ago... some other type of ghosts.

Today i dreamed i was in Manta (i always loved Manta a small city 5h far from my city and in front of the Pacific Ocean) i was with someone i dated long time ago...mmm.. something like 3 years ago. We had just met again and i was there spending vacations.... we were sort of romantic, and i was going to the beach to meet other aiesecers when i woke up. I know the dream is silly but it left me with a not so good taste...

The person i dreamed with is living a fairy tale... i mean, she is a pretty girl with lot of money, who is right now engaged in a relationship with a handsome guy with lot of money... and they are traveling around the world having sex... and lot of money.... and yes they both will live happily ever after. I am ok with that, i know some people are borned to be happy... in fact we are all borned to be happy... it is just that some of us are happy in different ways... perhaps having hiv?. Well.... to remember her was a bit painful.

Remembrances is something i have had lot in my life lately. Yesterday i had a training at my company's headquarters in the morning after it i was coming to work when my mobile rang. I answered and it was this girl i dated in February this year.... At first i didn't recognize her voice nor her name.. i mean we don't speak since February.... the thing didn't end up bad but the break up was not pleasant either. She said "I need to talk to you". I got afraid... damn... i hate getting afraid out of everything now.... but there was a reason.... when i met her in February we had unprotected sex. It was not my idea, i was actually using protection most of the times but the second time we were together she asked me not to protect because we were having something sort of formal..... so i didn't use it. I was not aware of my status...plus i don't even know hers. I just knew i liked her. Well... our fairy tale didn't last long... we broke up a week after, she said i was not compatible with her, and gave me some silly excuse. Yesterday i knew she engaged with someone right after me, perhaps her ex or someone else and they have been dating since then.

When she first told me she wanted to talk to me i though it was about Hiv, i though "i might have infected her.....for God sake...". God knows i would not like to infect anyone around me....but since October/November 06 (when i assume i was infected) until March 07 i was not aware i was living with Hiv. . I got terribly afraid... and had a panic attack.. the fear was too much... if she asked me... what would i say? how could i explain her i didn't know? should i tell her i am seropositive? what does she want to talk about?... i was getting crazy.... i needed help i needed advice.... I though in calling my mother, but she would be more worried than me.... or perhaps angry... i though in calling my sister and ask her for advice... but she is working, my lil niece is a bit ill.... they all have their own problems. My status have already been overwhelming to them to increase the weight and the worries on their shoulder... i though in calling Claudia... but i have like 0.20usd in my mobile... that would not be enough... for God sake... i have to face it all alone.... i tried to calm down... but i was terrified... i was in panic.

She arrived... as pretty as usual.... we greeted and she asked me "How are you?" didn't know if that was a question with double meaning but i answered "fine". We walked and talked... we past next to a mobile health care facility where they are vaccinating people against yellow fever and she asked me "did you take the vaccine?" Oh shit... i cannot take that vaccine, that vaccine is totally not suggested for people living with Hiv or Aids, as some of you know vaccines are made of viruses, in this case the virus of the yellow fever... and i cannot take that vaccine because it could hurt my health... but i answered her "yes and you?" "yeah me too" she replied. I felt strange... like if i was trying to get her to tell me what she wanted to talk about... and she wanted me to tell her something about me... i was not ready to disclose....

We walked and seated in a park, and talked and talked... about several things but the situation was killing me so i asked her directly "you said you wanted to talk to me about something. What is this issue you wanted to talk me about?". She said "Actually nothing special, i was in a bank near your work and i have been there twice looking for your to chat and i didn't find you so i though you might have moved somewhere else. I only wanted to see you and talk... since we broke up we haven't talk to each other". Oh God... thank you. I was so afraid.... we talked and i told her i already got over the painful remembrances of our broke up and she said she wanted me to be her friend cause she thinks i am very special guy yadda yadda yadda.... so fine, we are friends. We didn't talk much cause her boyfriend was waiting for her somewhere.. and we said goodbye... i don't know if that was everything she wanted to tell me.... but if she said so... i hope.

The fear of having infected someone with hiv is huge... but i have to learn to accept i was not aware of my status... same like many people around the world who does not know they are living with the hiv virus and infecting others,... perhaps others they love. Another thing is that Hiv is not transmitted in every single unprotected sexual relationship i might have... even now... sometimes it might happen, sometimes it might not.... but it is like a Russian roullette.... that's why i play safe right now. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Now the third ghost.... today i went to visit my mother at my sister's place. Everything was fine, but while leaving i told her i have appointment with my Dr next week and i had forgotten to take some vaccines (these were prescribed by my Dr) HBV (Hepatitis B Virus), Flu and so on... i haven't taken them. Why not? first i don't have the money and social security does not cover them... each one of them might cost among 30 to 60 usd and sometimes more than one shot is needed. Secondly, i forgot. How can i forget about taking those vaccines? .... you know that's very simply... you only start worrying for other things like the banks calling me all the time or pushing me or sending me letters to pay them... believe me, once you worry about them... you forget about any vaccine.... specially if they might be useful but are not vital. I mean i can live without them right now... even though... if i get to catch HBV for instance... i will certainly regret not to have taken that vaccine. Although i am trying to be careful and don't expose myself to any risk. Off course my mother didn't agree with me and we argue.... that's usual among us... she is really nervous about my health... i am just too confident about it... perhaps we are both wrong... she fears out of everything and i don't care much about nothing... when i should care sometimes. We argued and she said something like "don't ask me for help for the rest of your life".

Don't worry, i know my mother and she didn't mean to say so... but now you understand why i always say she phrases stuff in the wrong way and i argue with her. Her words didn't hurt me this time... except for this phrase "for the rest of your life". What's the trouble of everybody with the duration of my life???? I mean... it seems everybody cares now about how long i will live or not... i have heard several times and it pisses me off.

The duration of my life is none's business just mine. I might die tomorrow or when i am 100 years old, that's not your business. Although i think you all should have something clear.... we are all going to die. Perhaps you haven't think about it, but i did.. we all hiv+ do.. that's the only difference between you and us. Even though the fact of saying "Hiv+ people die sooner than normal people" is wrong....deathly wrong if you allow me to say. Lets say if you compare the duration of my life to the life of someone else my age who is not diagnosed Hiv+ statistics might say i would live 11 years less. So this person Hiv- might arrive until 61 years old in a normal lifespan... i might get to 50 years old.. i personally don't see much difference.. i have no idea of what i want to do once i am 50 years old anyways. Plus, there is always the chance that this Hiv- guy dies before... in a car accident, airplane crash, poisoned, in an assault, with a heart attack, cancer, anything.... you know guys, there are many different ways to die and hiv is just one more and funny... it is not the most common one. I am not trying to scare you, but i just want to say i hate people mentioning the duration of my life in their words "be happy now that you are alive" "enjoy your time while your are here" "Try to be happy for the rest of your life". You can save those comments purple. I plan to be here for long time yet.

As for my mother i know by tomorrow things will be ok again, that's how families are... blood is stronger than water someone said. Although i am definitely going alone to my Dr appointment next week.

I went to Luigi's farewell party the day before yesterday it was great night!!, i drunk 4 big glasses of beer (German size!!) and with the second one i was already happy :) i have never been much of a drinking guy.. but i had fun, i was very glad of seeing Luigi, and it was strange... last time i saw him in February... i was trying to give me words of hope about his time here in Ecuador we talked a lot, i was ok.. i was healthy... and now we met and i have hiv. It felt strange but didn't ruin that night, i stayed until around midnight then i went home. My family had been calling me all night to make sure i didn't get drunk plus i didn't force my health too much. I am fine... i am still a strong guy. I cannot post pics cause there was not much light at the bar last night, so we will have to wait for Luigi's pic.

Labels: New life, same illness