Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi everybody, i am sorry i could not blog before but i am having enormous challenges to connect to internet. I used to use my work connection at home, but now it is not possible and i am not sure it is going to be possible in the future. I can't pay for internet as it is obvious so my possibilities to blog are being limited lately. Plus... my laptop is crashing a lot lately :( like one of my ex used to say "that expensive piece of shit....". Well, right now i am at work trying to blog fast and concrete since there are lot of eyes around me.

So i am fine, i am alive and i am healthy, don't worry for that. Past weekend was fine i worked a lot but i also had the chance to attend an Aiesec camping day at Parque del Lago, which was a bit hard at the beginning but ended up quite fine. It was hard because i have developed fear to groups... the only reason i was going there was that Diana Patricia, Mayda and Ricardini told me they would go... and at the end none of them was there. I was about to quit the idea and come back home... but instead i decided to stay which was a great thing. I slowly became myself again... the same old JuanCa everybody knew.... joking, smiling, having fun... that was nice and i ended up that day quite happy. Here some pics.

ok, well that was really a good day and we arranged with the guys to meet to go to the watch a movie to Jorge's house. By the way, i am sorry i cannot post a song right now, in fact i am trying to write fast because i am afraid this shitty laptop (that i still need to pay) will crash. So the next thing

On Monday 25th of June i did my testimony about how is to live with Hiv in front to a group of 11 people working for a Health Care facility. Before telling you the whole thing, i think i never mentioned you the dates of my testimony, so here there are if anyone is in Guayaquil and have time to attend the sensibility training about Hiv and people living with it, let me know i might have the chance to get you a ticket :)

• Lunes 25 de Junio 3pm. Centro de diagnóstico Jose y Maria (Tulcán y Venezuela). (done)


• Jueves 5 de julio 09 am. Isla Trinitaria


• Miércoles 11 de Julio 10 am. Dispensario Palenque (outside Guayaquil)


• Lunes 30 de Julio 13:30 Dispensario Pedro Carbo (outside Guayaquil)

So well, i was appointed for the training because it was my own will. I was supposed to attend the conference and at the end deliver my testimony. Once i arrived to Vihda Foundation, Claudia my psychologist asked me to help her cause Maximiliano, the director, had to travel to USA urgently. She asked me to help her facilitating the roll calls. I accepted. I know it sounds fun and easy... we have done that houndred times in Aiesec, but it was not much fun nor easy for me at the beginning. I accepted because i always accept to help people... i should learn to say no. I was scared... almost terrified.... i am afraid of groups and even though Sunday camping day was a big help for me to recover my own confidence... i was not much sure i could be "the old JuanCa" everybody knew. I mean... the old JuanCa was funny guy and very open and friendly while facilitating.... current Juan Carlos is not... is not funny, is not open to other people, and does not facilitate since long. Current Juan Carlos.. is afraid of groups... is afraid of meeting others. I tried to remember our roll calls because i didn't really like those in the agenda... but i could not figure one.... i remembered some.. but none would have wanted to lie on the floor doing some sort of sexual positions ;). So i did my best, during the opening and introduction we did an activity where we had to talk to everybody and get to know us. I talked to lot of people and i had to smile... i was not smiling... i HAD to smile. I have never had to smile ... i was always very friendly and happy guy... seems i am not that much funny right now. Well we talked and people got relaxed.

I was worried and impacted by the lack of knowledge of these people... i mean... they still fear that using condom is not safe.... they still think that black, prostitutes and gays are "groups of risk". They don't understand there is no such a thing like a group of risk... we are ALL in risk. At the same time their lack of knowledge got me afraid of disclosing... i mean... i don't know why i expected they would know more about the issue and had less wrong ideas on what to live with Hiv was and who we Hiv+ people are. I was getting more and more afraid... but i was already there and i assumed that was my mission at least that monday. I got in sort of contact with the people, making jokes making them dance... having fun. Then my part arrived.

I first asked them who had had contact with an Hiv person before in personal way, not like a patient in the Health care facility... only two raised their hand. I told them that it was perhaps wrong, because at this time with the numbers we are having.... most of us have already met a Hiv+ person so far. Perhaps we don't know it, or the other person has not been opened about their status... or even worst, perhaps that person does not know he/she is Hiv+ because he/she has never taken the test... but yes, so far i am pretty sure most of us have met and greeted someone with Hiv. I told them i had a good friend of mine who is Hiv+ and he is a very cool guy and he was waiting outside the room... i would call him and for them to talk to him. I went out of the room and came in and said..."Hi I am Juan Carlos as you all know and i have Hiv". That was a HUGE SHOCK...ENORMOUS... I could feel it and even hear it... complete silence... like if the sky had fallen on them..... they all felt nervous, shocked sad.. scared.... a girl left the room... she said she had to go to University while smiling nervous.... another woman started to cry..... some others changed their attitude towards me... more defensive... perhaps they still though they could be in risk of infection.... after having said they would not discriminate a person living with Hiv.

That's how it is... people say i will never discriminate or i don't discriminate you... but they never get close to us.. thats discrimination too. I have invited my friends to cinema or hamburger... and none of those who said "JuanCa i understand you, everything will be fine" accepted... i have been discriminated too. When Javico went to the dentist at 8am and they told him to wait until 1pm... he was discriminated too. I remembered how black people were treated before the evolution of humankind....that's how some people treat me, treat us nowadays. I said all that to this people, and i told them that i heard them speaking about "risk groups" and all that... and i told them i was disappointed because they should know better. I explained my whole story... i asked them to read a part of a testimony of a person i copied from Poz blogs, saying...

We who live with HIV are your neighbours, your friends and lovers, your parents and children. We could be standing next to you in the check out line. We could be your lawyer or teacher. We could be you. We are you, because you live with HIV too. There will be someone who touches your life, in some way, who is living with HIV infection - whether you know it or not. Ann's Blog

I explained them that we all live with Hiv, i suffer from it, you fear of it, some others have to fight with it.... some others cry because of it... but we are all involved in this fight, whether you know it or not. YOU live with Hiv too.

I also tried to explain them that once they see me in the street they should not point me and say "He has hiv!!!" they should look at the person next to them and ask "have you taken the Hiv test?". By the way... have you taken it??? YOU the one reading this... have you taken it???.

I started to sweat... suddenly the room was too hot.... i was speaking and speaking and speaking... Claudia had to do a sign to me and say "lets go to the questions ;)". I was a bit out of control. Too much emotions... i could feel their shock.. i could feel mine...silly as it sounds i was not expecting they would be soooo shocked... perhaps i am so comfortable with myself right now and my status... that i though they would... plus none has been so shocked of meeting me before... i don't bite. I didn't feel good. I was the center of the attention... center of fear... center of the doubts...the center of the shock....i was in the center of this emotional Tsunami and was trying not to struggle but keep on floating..... i don't want to be under all that emotional charge.... i wanted to be above... where i could breathe and exist... despite all their fears... i need to be alive.

They made few questions, they were just too shocked someone thank me for telling them my story and other person said that it was good this kind of activities. One person said she disagree that Hiv+ would tell their status.. cause that would lead others to feel afraid, unsure. That if in other countries people are more opened it is over there and not here... and she left. I told the rest that we cannot keep on living hiding.. i don't have a reason to be hidden... i am a person, a human being. I have the right of having a normal life like any of you. I told them..."you have to fear the virus, not me. I am not the virus... i just suffer from it!!". We finished. People came to hug me, women kissed me.... and there was a woman asking me...."after diagnosed didn't you feel the desire of having sex with lot of people in infecting them with Hiv? I ask you because i knew i guy from my neighborhood who died of aids and their family as soon as he died they burned all his clothe and all his things. They told all the people that he died happy because before dying he had infected lot of woman by having sex with them". I replied... what you say has nothing to do with the Hiv, Hiv does not make a person bad or good... if the person is bad... he will keep on being bad with Hiv or without it. If the person is good, he will keep on being good with or without Hiv. As for me, i haven't been sleeping with and infecting others.... in fact my sexual desire have reduced a lot... really a lot because of the stress we all have of having someone's life in risk because of us. That's already a big weight we carry on our shoulders (when it should not be our business anyways... because each one of you should be sexually responsible to use protection... but we do care... at least most of us).

At the end of the whole thing... i was tired, shocked.. i felt like in a middle of a building in fire... or in the middle of fireworks... the whole thing was overwhelming..... i could not process the whole stuff i was like astonished and shocked... I went out of there with Claudia and helped her to take a taxi. I decided to walk.... while walking there was wind around all the warm overwhelming feeling was gone.... "wow... none looks at me anymore... i am just one more person... i am glad of being just me again". I know speaking up is needed... but i don't think i would like to dedicate to activism... perhaps it is just not for me. I talked to Claudia, she wrote me asking me about the whole thing and i told her what i am telling you all... plus i asked her that after these four sessions i wanted to have a couple of months free of speaking. Just for myself... to analyze all this and come up with a lesson for my life. She wrote to me that i am not obligated to do it again... that i should take my time to think about it and let her know whether i decide to do it at next sensibility sessions i had agreed, she said i was not forced to do it. I am thinking about it,...... i think i will do those missing.... but afterward i will take a rest of this..... sometimes it becomes too much.

Tonight it is Luigi's farewell party :((( buu... he is going back to Italy and messaged me to invite, so nice from him. I will be there tonight, it is long long long since i don't drink a beer :) or dance... i am becoming myself again and i want to celebrate a bit. I have no money to do it... but i hope i can at least try a few of alcohol tonight.

Well guys this is my update, i promise i will try to post often.... as often as i can. Big hugs, stay well and protect yourself.

Labels: New life, same illness