Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: Nelly Furtado /Song: Try/Country: Canada

Phone calls started today at 8am. First a client saying he got the docs he was missing for some service he wants to get, cool!. As soon as i finished with him got a phone call home.... i though it could be Javico, so i answered. It was the girl from Guayaquil Bank asking me if i want to start a payment plan for my credit card, i told her no.. i want to try to save the credit card. Then she said "Mr. your credit card is over by the end of August and i have seen your payment record, as you seem to be having troubles lately it is most probable the bank won't give you a new credit card after the end of this one, unless you have paid half of the debt you have, it means 230 USD". Those were bad news so i told her to let me think about it... she said "Well today i will go to visit some clients and will leave the office soon, i would like to know if i can visit you to hand you the documents for the payment plan". I said: "NO. Today you cannot visit me. I will be quite busy, plus i need to think what i will do. If i take a decision i will send you an email and tomorrow morning you can call me to see what we do". I am not up to see her face not to stand her pressure on me. Not today. It is too early to face bad news.... at least i though it was.

As soon i as i finished with this girl my mobile rings, my mother. I talked to her and told her what this girl told me and was expecting to get some advice...some comfort... instead of she started to tell me that my sister had been speaking about me to her and telling her that she does not like what i do and she does not like this and this and this and this of me yadda yadda yadda..... I got angry. I never liked when people speak on my back, if anyone has to say something to me... come and shut it in my face. I told my mother to stop... i have told her several times before that if she hear anyone speaking about me (and that includes my sister) she should tell them to talk to me directly instead of being she the one who comes to me with the news... cause she uses those news to complain to me too. We were arguing and i told her..."sorry i don't want to talk to you right now. have a good day". Aha, i am a bad son... a bad friend... a bad employee... a bad money manager... i am all the fucking shit you can imagine ... but i don't need everybody to remind me of it in the early morning. I called my sister... i have also told her before that if she has something to tell me to call me or tell it in my face and not to comment with my mother... I told my sister "Hi, sorry if i bother you but i want to ask you a favour. Next time you comment about me could you please tell it to me directly or call me to talk about it? don't tell it to my mother cause you know how she starts with same usual stuff...". I said nothing else and she said ok. I finished with her and my mother called me again.. to ask me if i had talked to my sister and told me "ah so you just ruined her day while she is just leaving for work!!!". It is truth... i didn't think about it.... it is too early to give bad news or to discuss with people.... i felt bad and sad.... why nobody though/felt same about me??? ... Whatever. Anyways i feel bad for what i just did to my sister...

It is funny and annoying how there are some days like today... when the virus does not bother me... other things does. I haven't been paid yet. It is a bad sign... it makes me fear i might be in trouble at work... well none has been paid... so perhaps i am just paranoic. I have been doing good sales but i might have done couple of things wrong... My contract with he company ends at the end of this month... hope they will renew it. Or perhaps i should be really looking for a different place.

I have finally defined my illness as sinusitis, i have had some acute pain above my left eye... i am not taking meds yet... but trying to let it go.... well, assuming it would go by itself. Yesterday afternoon i also discovered some eruption in my lips... nothing out of this world, it is not very noticeable... i just have a small part of my upper lip swollen. I was diagnosed with labial herpes 15 years ago... it seems the stress awaken the herpes 1 virus, read the link i am providing, it is not a dangerous stuff... just annoying. I feel lonely today... but i will try not to let the sad feeling get me... it is too early in the morning... just 9am. How can you fight when they hit you before you stand up?.... seems today i will discover it. I won't answer phone calls early morning again!!.

Tomorrow early waking up... taking the tests.... i hope i can take them... i need them. for whatever happens i need to have those tests done tomorrow. I think my CD4 will be lower :( they say CD4 goes down everytime you get ill of something (i have sinusitis) and everytime you feel sad and down (.... no comments about it). Whatever, lets take those shitty things.... and see what happens.

Past weekend i went to a disco for first time since February. Don't look at me like that, it is actually not like a disco.. it is more like an underground disco/bar. I met a friend downtown and we did several things. I was free by midnight. I was standing downtown trying to decide if i should get home... get to disco nearby or going to this underground disco/bar. Suddenly a car stopped in front of me. Someone i knew... we said hi and this person offered to give me a lift.... to the underground disco/bar. We talked it was nice to see some people i hadn't seen. The disco/bar... was as usual full... people and more people... i met some people i had met before... saying hi... and everybody asking how a miracle was that i was there. "Once a year is not bad" - I said. I wanted to dance but i was alone at the disco.... all the people i knew were in couples (it made me realise how alone i am... and how hard it will be to find someone for me now).... ahh no.. there was this girl whom i met she was also alone... i asked her to dance and she refused... we kept on talking and suddenly i realised how small her brain was... what a turn off!! I always liked smart girls.... then she started to move like giving me a hint she wanted to dance... but i didn't want to dance with her anymore. Finally i left... i guess that's why i was not much fond of discos even before diagnosed... i am a party hard guy, but don't go party often.... discos are not in my plans these days... despite they might be crowded... they seem to be always empty.

Yesterday night i met Diana Patricia downtown, we talked for about 2 hours. It was cool, telling her my news, listening her news. I was thinking she is the person most similar to my friend Valja here. I used to talk a lot with him after working schedule back then in Moscow, talking and talking and talking... time seemed to fly. With Diana Patricia is the same, sometimes it is good to have a good friend in town... someone who still treats me like who i really am. JuanCa.

What will i do today? keep on walking. what will i do with my troubles? not to think of them. Around 6pm when all other stuff have past and i am almost alone at work... i will decide. At this time i don't see any way out to save my credit card so... i might let it go.... damn. As for the rest of my life... i cannot let it go... unfortunately... sometimes i would like to... but well, i guess one has to be who one has to be.... and i have to be me today and accept it. This is what i am living. I feel ashamed sometimes when i post my stuff here (i even admit i sometimes feel like deleting some of my posts after i have sent them.... i have never done it yet)... it feels ashame cause we have been taught only good things can happen in our lives.... and when they don't... you are wrong, you are bad. Although... you know what? shame is just useful for one single thing.... to be thrown away. And problems are just useful for one single thing.... to be solved. I gotta work about it.

The other day, my mother left me a doc on my desk at home... filled of very optimistic words.... i though i would share it here but right now i just don't want to... sometimes a page full of nice words is just that... a page full of nice words. Even though there is something that made its way out from that paper to the internet ... to this specific post.

"Success in life cannot be measured for what you have achieved, but for the obstacles you have had to face in your path".

I like it, it will be my motto today.

Edited: I was thinking in not posting any song today... i just didn't find a song that would come along with this post... and my mood... then... this song came to my mind. Nelly Furtado - Try. Have you read the lyrics?.... what a beutiful poetry.... it touched my heart... and yes... from all the things i have left behind in my world today... from all the good supperficial words i've read today and bad real things i have just faced... this song was able to made its way to this blog and this specific post. Enjoy the song... i was thinking in underlining what part of lyrics was meaningful to me... but then i just realised i would underline the whole song. Read it and you will understand why. Lets give it a try to this day...

NELLY FURTADO

"Try"

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Labels: same illness