Nomad JuanCa's Report

Today i was feeling ...same like yesterday... ok, lets face it... i am feeling down. It is a strange kind of depression... or fatigue... i mean i don't feel sad... but don't feel happy... i feel.. without a reason to live... without a reason to wake up in the morning and do something about my life... about me.

I have usually heard that for being depressed you have to feel sad... but i don't. I am not sad... i am just careless... without any motivation. Don't know why. Yeah... these two days have been those days when i feel too overwhelmed for all that is happening to me... plus being completely alone at home does not help me much. Mom came yesterday night and stayed here with me. Today she saw my face... she knows how i look like when i am unmotivated. She knows that sometimes i stay on my bed.. trying to sleep the whole day just not think about all that is going on around me... somehow wishing i would never have to wake up and face this all again and again... it is like the movie, i don't remember the name... when a guy wakes up everyday and he has to repeat same stuff again and again. Sometimes i feel the same, facing the same troubles again and again.

I am failing with my meds.... Yesterday i missed two doses of Aciclovir... i didn't mention but yesterday i was in bed until 5pm... so i missed the pills at 9am and 1pm. Today i woke up at 12am... i missed one doses.... well... right now that i am writing i just realised i missed the doses of 9pm. I totally forgot about it... it should not be a problem for me since it is meds for labial herpes, but if i would be in ARV... i would have been killing myself... i can't miss doses... shit!. I will take my acyclovir doses of midnight right now... now i know why my lips are not totally healed by now :(.

My mother also know that when i am down... i seat on a chair... and only think. And think and think and think... sometimes she calls me... but i don't hear her... when i think about all my troubles it is so overwhelming that it literally takes me out of the world... i can spend hours seated in a chair with my mind somewhere else.. in my mind... i think what can i do to fix my troubles, i sometimes remember the hard times i have had to face... i feel the fear... the fear i would fail in all this and i might not get over it... and sometimes in my mind i also dream... ¿how would have it been if i had a nice life? what others call normal life.

I have been checking jobs... but i don't feel i qualify for some of them, first because of the University degree... second because they request to be able to travel, sometimes abroad and now i cannot. Since being Hiv positive my chances of going abroad have been limited cause there are several countries like USA, Australia and others who have restrictions for Poz visitors. I heard even Russia has it... which is totally sad cause i really wanted to go there once again in my life. I want to see Moscow again.. the Kremlin, the thumb of the unknown soldier... the change of guards... take the metro... go to Propaganda club.

My mother is smart, when she sees i am flying.. she pulls me to the earth... today she told me "Juan carlos, come to help me cooking!". I don't like cooking and she knows it... i am better on the eating side of kitchen ;))) but today to cook with her was better than enclosing myself in the war inside my mind. It was ok, food was tasty... as she left she told me to do some other things and i realised i have wasted most of the two free days i had... doing nothing. Time just flew and i didn't know how... sometimes i go on my computer and play "Age of Empires" a strategy game that takes me up to 2 hours to finish... but since i rised the difficulty level from easy to hard... it is not fun anymore cause i loose very fast :( i will change the level to moderate. I got angry with Ricardini today, he is having birthday on weekend and invited me but as i will be working, i told him to go out tonight. he agreed, it was 2 days ago. He said he would also go with a friend of him who is coming from France. To say truth... i felt he was afraid of me. His friend didn't arrive... so tonight he told me "Oh i had forgotten about your invitation". I got angry. I was thinking in going out and seeing people, talk to someone... i needed to go out... i have been enclosed at home these two days... and he didn't care... off course, he said i was overreacting... i think it was stupid from me to think that a 24yo person would be able to understand how i feel. And no... i didn't go out after all... stayed home :(

Since the other day i think this song is somehow talking about myself...

4 Non Blondes - Drifting

What a wonderful hesitation
Who would bear to feel sorry for me
Dropped another pill just to calm me
Collapsed to my knees and fell fast into sleep

There I was drifting
Way out into the sunshine
Expecting to crash but Im tied to a string
Look at me Im a tangled puppet
I might be a mess but I sure can survive

Find myself awake counting sad days
1-2-3 thats too many for me
Dropped another pill just to find me
Reached for my hand
But it was already there

Then I started believin
That I fell out of a tiny raindrop
That lost its way when it decided to roam
Chasing me was a hungry dweller
But I had escaped it by pretending to die

Come follow me you wont expect the illusion
Youll see, its my imagination
Hand me your eyes
I will put them in front of mine
Youll see a little better
Youll see a little better

What a wonderful destination
Where I am now
I can no longer see
Dropped another pill just to kill me
Collapsed to my knees
And fell fast into sleep

There I was drifting
Way out into the sunshine
Expecting to crash but Im tiet to a string
Look at me Im a tangled puppet
I might be a mess but I sure can survive
But I had escaped it by pretending to die

In case you haven't heard this song you have to... it is so nice... the voice of Linda Perry is amazing... don't worry i am not trying to kill me... not now, not today... and hopefully not any time soon... i am just tired of fighting. None pays attention to my needs... the activits... the other day were saying they haven ensure viral load test for free for patients in the National Plan against Aids... and i am not into that plan because i am working and i have social security (that as you all know is plain bullshit). I have complained to them.. but none answers me ... i mean i am ecuadorian, i have hiv... I NEED THE FUCKING VIRAL LOAD TEST!!!!. Mother fuckers... but they just ignore me... they don't even answer me.... i don't understand, if they know Social Security Hospital does not give me full attention... ¿¿¿why the hell they sent me there??? ¿¿¿Only to die??? Only for them not to have ... ¿¿one weight more in their shoulders??... they really don't care if i live or not... sometimes i wish i could kill them. Speaking figurative off course... they are such a bunch of useless people ....

Well i have lot of reasons to feel tired and down.... Still with it when my mother left, i went to wash some stuff i had wanted to wash since the other day... my house is a mess... i want to fix it a bit...i feel like fixing at least the place where i live i am somehow fixing my world... just a little.. but that little makes a difference. I did it, then i collected and thrown away some useless papers i had on my desk. I created a free pop email account to gather all info about Hiv email lists i am subscribed... i wanted to do it since some time ago finally today i did it. i was surfing online and found this video.... made by Poz magazine delegates at IAS in Australia.

Regan Hofmann interviews Maura Elaripe Mea, the first HIV-positive woman to come forward publicly in her country. Through Igat Hope, the national network of people living with HIV/AIDS in PNG, Maura and others fight AIDS discrimination while spreading information and hope.

11 minutes. Transcript coming soon.

And after seeing that video i found a reason to stand up again.... i just wish changes in humanity would not be so slow.... sometimes i fear i might not be here when things really happen and get better. The only i can do by now is keep on trying... damn... there are so many things to do yet.... the time to start doing them is NOW.

I am still trying to find a new job, part time or full time... hope it happens soon and it happens for good. And i hope... i can somehow meet the Director of the National Plan against Aids in this country some day... i have so many things to tell her.... so many things... I am so furious inside with all of them and with all this useless people daring to call themselves activists... damn.... i want to kick some asses

ok, i better stop to think about them now, i am trying to watch the video and then i will eat something and see an Eddy Murphy movie "Norbit" to see if i can relax a bit... then to sleep...

Tomorrow will be a new better day. I really hope so.

Labels: New life, same illness