Nomad JuanCa's Report

... i hated this day. I'm just so frustrated at this very moment....

I couldn't take the tests today morning i was very tired... i woke up at 6am but went back to sleep, mother woke me up at 7am.. but i fallen slept again.... i woke up 7.40am i got ready and managed to be there at 8.44am. They didn't allow me to take the tests cause they only receive samples from 7am to 8.30am. Mother fuckers!!!. I know they have schedule but come on this is a huge hospital how come they only receive samples an hour and a half per day??? plus i cannot take the tests any other day but next thursday...that means another week. As it is not their health they don't care.... i wanted to scream and complain saying "yeah but you know i am ill i cannot be waking up so early just to come over here while it is yet freezing i could get pneumonia!!!"... although they would not understand.. they don't care come on.. who i am trying to lie? they don't care about what happens to me. The guard even told me... "don't try to come in because the Dr came out few mins ago and complained with those who were left telling them they should be here at 7am not at 8am". I was so near to tell him....what i just mentioned... but i preferred to shut up... welcome to the fucking health system juan carlos!! Hope you die soon!!! they won't notice it.

Perhaps i should have told the guard "You know Mr?.... i was changing the world yesterday and talking to others how is to live with Hiv and i ended up so tired that i could not wake up so early today... i DID CHANGE THE WORLD... what have you done recently that is just a bit near to that???? would you please let me in???" i am sure he would say "you changed the world?? so what???... NO you cannot come in!!!". I hate to ask people to break their rules and "their organisation" but just want to point this.. have you realised they are so organised and strict with their rules when it comes to prevent people to access health care?? why they are not so organised and strict when it comes to the point of delivering my meds and taking my tests??? COME ON MOTHER FUCKERS IT IS NOT A FLU TESTS... THESE TESTS ARE ABOUT MY LIFE!!!!!! CAN YOU MAKE A FUCKING EXCEPTION????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told the guard... almost begging him to let me in.... "you know... i have to take a CD4 test.... :(" and he replied to me "uuuuuu!!!! even worst!!! you cannot come in, you have to come next week but earlier... last week there was not reactives so none took the tests..... come next week". In days like today... i wish i could die fast.... not to see how careless people are when it refers to my health.... to my live... to my survival.... I am sorry but sometimes i would like to end up with all this just at once... once for all.

It was a bad day... today was a bad day....

Today i killed love... finally... after three years of dearly loving someone.. who never ever loved me.. today i did something that hurt me... deeply.. but that i knew it would finally end up with the love i have had for this person these past three years.... nothing worst than loving someone who few cares about you... I loved her so much that i even pardon her the fact that she perhaps was the person who infected me with Hiv.... i though we would be together... i hoped that one day she would realise how sincere my love was and that she would one day wake up and say "hey!! i love you too... i just didn't notice it before". Although shit like that does not happen... so today i did it. I killed my love for her.... it was sort of suicide.... but it was good, better than keep on suffering and loving her without hope....

At the end of what happened... i saw it with my eyes... how she didn't really loved me... how she treats me different way.... and i hated her... i found her disgusting.... i wanted to complain and tell her... "you know i have been loving you the past three years every single day... how come you never valued it? i hate you!!!" While we were coming home.. she asked why i was so quiet.. i said "i have always been a quiet guy". She said "no, you have always been smart and with good conversation..." i replied "no, i have always considered myself a quiet guy... that's how i am" I remained quiet not to explode... she does not know today i killed the love i had for her.... i felt so silly, so stupid... i should have done it 3 years ago.... fuck!

One of the worst things is that i still have to be her friend.... i cannot just go out and disappear.... i have always been there for the people who has been important for me.. and i can't change it right now... it is just the way i am.... but i will try not to find love in her again... I dedicate this song for her.

Singer: Stacie Orrico - Lyrics : I'm Not Missing You

Oh, Oh
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over What else could it be
He decides to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face or
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can't be with you cause I'm scared
Felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I'm missing
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And bad when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love would be nice for someone else's life
(But) I'm not missing you

I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

Labels: New life