Nomad JuanCa's Report
Monday, July 16, 2007
Not feeling good
Artist: The Rasmus /Song: Sail Away /Country: (didn't have time to look for that on internet)
Well, it seems i will have to blog from work since now and on... the costs of blogging from home are big now that i don't have internet for free.
I feel nausea right now... don't know why... i am sick, got flu.. but i don't find a relation to the nausea feeling i am having.
I have got flu since weekend, it is actually not flu... i am not sure what it is... i just know i can't breathe properly.... feels my nose blocked from deep inside... perhaps sinusitis, it bothers me... i don't want to think about PCP (Pneumonia). I am not taking any med... i mean if it is flu it should go in a week, if not... i will see. I guess too many early waking ups ended up bothering me. I am using a menthol cream for my nose, it helps me to breathe a bit... plus i work with full air conditioner ... that does not help. I am using my coat.
Today morning i came to work earlier, was finishing some stuff... then a girl came and seat in front of me and asked me "excuse me, Mr. Calderon?" i replied "yes". That was a bad movement. She belongs to Guayaquil bank and came to request my payment of my Visa credit card... yeah, you see... it is truth, they hunt me. It would be long to explain her the whole situation (plus she would die if i ever tell her i am Hiv+) so i tried to somehow manage it. My co workers are nice with me, despite our fights they know everytime i bank or a credit cards call me..they always say "he is not here, he just left for a meeting". It is not that i don't want to pay... i just can't at this time.... too many things fallen together on me. What a year huh?...it has been a whole enormous disaster since December 06....one thing after other.... how the hell i am still here? so sorry in telling you this.. but sometimes i wish i could die fast... it would be so easy... no feeling pain... no feeling shame... no feeling fears... no more worries... just no feeling anything. That sounds like a good miracle.
On weekend, a new co worker, Ricardo asked me what i was doing in this job? how come speaking english, french, spanish very good and basic russian and japanese, having travelled to 5 countries did i end up in a 182 usd/month job?. I told him the story... not going to repeat it cause it is all written in here.. in this blog, but well if i have to summarize it i would say... life goes up and downs... all the time... sometimes low times go lower than expected and last longer than expected....like if they would never ever have an end. He told me i should find another job, but the stime schedule is hard... i have only free mornings until noon... and then i am working... until 9pm. I work even weekends.... on mornings i am usually free except from the days that I have to attend trainings at headquarters (once per month/2 months) or meeting my ID Dr (once every two months) or meeting my Dermatologist (once every two months)... so glad i am not yet ill with anything else....
I told my co worker how i ended up here... but didn't tell him why i can't leave.... how Hiv has me stucked here...or better say, not the Hiv directly but the fear... the terror of having more changes in my life... Be gentle with me... put yourself in the path i have had to walk since December 06 and all the things i have had to face.... you would understand why i don't want more changes in my life and why i am so afraid of everything that could happen if i do so.
I am going to get paid 81usd (i should have gotten paid on sunday but they still didn't pay me). I had requested some advance payment to my boss so i will have to pay her back 17usd (it was the only way of getting until today....financially speaking). So that leaves me with 64usd. This girl from Guayaquil Bank told me i have to pay her tomorrow 87 usd or my credit card will be closed. Off course i don't want to get my credit card closed... it is the last one i was trying to keep... this is a good bank, plus if i ever fall in hospital bed i will need a credit card. Although i just can't make it.... today i was thinking that all the things i have tried to get in my life are somehow flowing like the water between my hands... This girl happens to be friend of my boss... but my boss cannot help me.
My co worker asked me on weekend "how can you sleep with over 4000 usd debt? i would be crazy". I have been so near to that.... he thinks the debt is the only thing i have to deal with... LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! that's actually so funny.... HAHAHAHA!!!! it really is... if he just knew the whole picture he would have suicided already. I have an answer to his question... how can i sleep? I try to keep things in perspective. I try to think.. and to believe this is just a moment that will eventually pass... yes i have been in bad situations before... several of them, but i refuse the idea of believing i have had back luck, luck does not exist. I have only had to walk a different path than anybody else. I have stopped answering phone calls... nor at home, nor at work, nor in my mobile... if someone calls me from a phone number i don't know.. i simply don't answer. I have tried to explain banks my situation but they don't understand.. so i am just tired of that... sometimes they behave agressive and insolent... and i have no time nor life to spend with them... so i don't answer phone calls. Being that i get home late... i don't watch tv, nor listen to radio ( i have no electricity at home either... but at nights i illegally connect to the electricity and i have to disconnect early in the morning cause if Electricity Co. find it out it will mean a big penalty.... i know you were all wondering about it)... the lack of water is something you know too... how can i sleep with all that and my Hiv diagnosis???? Sometimes i don't know. I just try not to get it all on me... i put it in perspective like if it was someone else's life... like if it was not me. I focus on myself... perhaps i am abusing of the cognositive disorder Hiv creates in patients (making them feel like someone else, someone different... not whom they were before) but it is somehow helping me to cope with this situation... I do it well when they (bannks and credit cards) don't talk to me... i have clear all my debts and do the best i can to pay them. My Salary only alows me to pay 2 or 3 of them at this time... but i do it, every month. I do it well until those times like today when they catch me ... and slap my face and push me.... pressure under pressure... why to push me?? am i not under lot of pressure already?? They would not understand... none would.
I talked to my mother and she said she cannot help me to pay the credit card, I though in my sister... but my mother told she is having her own issues cause my brother-in-law might go to Canada to finish his Master degree. I could not use the computer at work to tell her what happens and ask her for help...my boss told me to go with her to the headquarters.. and i got to send my sister an email before living. While being at headquarters thinking... i started to feel too warm... and nausea came... when i left the building.. i was feeling like fading away.... weak... tired... confused.... and with nausea... i took the buss to my work and i fallen slept. It helped me... i am feeling a bit better but nausea is still here... perhaps it is just stress... there is lot of it in my life. If i could sell it i would be rich.
The girl i just kicked out of my life is writing to me on messenger right now... (what else could happen today???) I was about not to answer her... or perhaps react badly and send her to the hell... but i don't react like that with people i loved. So i answered with monosylabs "yes/no". She finally got tired of writing... thanks God.
The day is finally over... my sister told me she will lend me some money, don't know how much. And asked me to promise her i would find another job to get more income.... Luczi told me i perhaps should not because i would get more tired.... .....so what do i do? tomorrow i will think about it. today was enough for a single day. Nausea feeling is leaving me right now... it feels great.
Artist: The Rasmus /Song: Sail Away /Country: (didn't have time to look for that on internet)
Well, it seems i will have to blog from work since now and on... the costs of blogging from home are big now that i don't have internet for free.
I feel nausea right now... don't know why... i am sick, got flu.. but i don't find a relation to the nausea feeling i am having.
I have got flu since weekend, it is actually not flu... i am not sure what it is... i just know i can't breathe properly.... feels my nose blocked from deep inside... perhaps sinusitis, it bothers me... i don't want to think about PCP (Pneumonia). I am not taking any med... i mean if it is flu it should go in a week, if not... i will see. I guess too many early waking ups ended up bothering me. I am using a menthol cream for my nose, it helps me to breathe a bit... plus i work with full air conditioner ... that does not help. I am using my coat.
Today morning i came to work earlier, was finishing some stuff... then a girl came and seat in front of me and asked me "excuse me, Mr. Calderon?" i replied "yes". That was a bad movement. She belongs to Guayaquil bank and came to request my payment of my Visa credit card... yeah, you see... it is truth, they hunt me. It would be long to explain her the whole situation (plus she would die if i ever tell her i am Hiv+) so i tried to somehow manage it. My co workers are nice with me, despite our fights they know everytime i bank or a credit cards call me..they always say "he is not here, he just left for a meeting". It is not that i don't want to pay... i just can't at this time.... too many things fallen together on me. What a year huh?...it has been a whole enormous disaster since December 06....one thing after other.... how the hell i am still here? so sorry in telling you this.. but sometimes i wish i could die fast... it would be so easy... no feeling pain... no feeling shame... no feeling fears... no more worries... just no feeling anything. That sounds like a good miracle.
On weekend, a new co worker, Ricardo asked me what i was doing in this job? how come speaking english, french, spanish very good and basic russian and japanese, having travelled to 5 countries did i end up in a 182 usd/month job?. I told him the story... not going to repeat it cause it is all written in here.. in this blog, but well if i have to summarize it i would say... life goes up and downs... all the time... sometimes low times go lower than expected and last longer than expected....like if they would never ever have an end. He told me i should find another job, but the stime schedule is hard... i have only free mornings until noon... and then i am working... until 9pm. I work even weekends.... on mornings i am usually free except from the days that I have to attend trainings at headquarters (once per month/2 months) or meeting my ID Dr (once every two months) or meeting my Dermatologist (once every two months)... so glad i am not yet ill with anything else....
I told my co worker how i ended up here... but didn't tell him why i can't leave.... how Hiv has me stucked here...or better say, not the Hiv directly but the fear... the terror of having more changes in my life... Be gentle with me... put yourself in the path i have had to walk since December 06 and all the things i have had to face.... you would understand why i don't want more changes in my life and why i am so afraid of everything that could happen if i do so.
I am going to get paid 81usd (i should have gotten paid on sunday but they still didn't pay me). I had requested some advance payment to my boss so i will have to pay her back 17usd (it was the only way of getting until today....financially speaking). So that leaves me with 64usd. This girl from Guayaquil Bank told me i have to pay her tomorrow 87 usd or my credit card will be closed. Off course i don't want to get my credit card closed... it is the last one i was trying to keep... this is a good bank, plus if i ever fall in hospital bed i will need a credit card. Although i just can't make it.... today i was thinking that all the things i have tried to get in my life are somehow flowing like the water between my hands... This girl happens to be friend of my boss... but my boss cannot help me.
My co worker asked me on weekend "how can you sleep with over 4000 usd debt? i would be crazy". I have been so near to that.... he thinks the debt is the only thing i have to deal with... LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! that's actually so funny.... HAHAHAHA!!!! it really is... if he just knew the whole picture he would have suicided already. I have an answer to his question... how can i sleep? I try to keep things in perspective. I try to think.. and to believe this is just a moment that will eventually pass... yes i have been in bad situations before... several of them, but i refuse the idea of believing i have had back luck, luck does not exist. I have only had to walk a different path than anybody else. I have stopped answering phone calls... nor at home, nor at work, nor in my mobile... if someone calls me from a phone number i don't know.. i simply don't answer. I have tried to explain banks my situation but they don't understand.. so i am just tired of that... sometimes they behave agressive and insolent... and i have no time nor life to spend with them... so i don't answer phone calls. Being that i get home late... i don't watch tv, nor listen to radio ( i have no electricity at home either... but at nights i illegally connect to the electricity and i have to disconnect early in the morning cause if Electricity Co. find it out it will mean a big penalty.... i know you were all wondering about it)... the lack of water is something you know too... how can i sleep with all that and my Hiv diagnosis???? Sometimes i don't know. I just try not to get it all on me... i put it in perspective like if it was someone else's life... like if it was not me. I focus on myself... perhaps i am abusing of the cognositive disorder Hiv creates in patients (making them feel like someone else, someone different... not whom they were before) but it is somehow helping me to cope with this situation... I do it well when they (bannks and credit cards) don't talk to me... i have clear all my debts and do the best i can to pay them. My Salary only alows me to pay 2 or 3 of them at this time... but i do it, every month. I do it well until those times like today when they catch me ... and slap my face and push me.... pressure under pressure... why to push me?? am i not under lot of pressure already?? They would not understand... none would.
I talked to my mother and she said she cannot help me to pay the credit card, I though in my sister... but my mother told she is having her own issues cause my brother-in-law might go to Canada to finish his Master degree. I could not use the computer at work to tell her what happens and ask her for help...my boss told me to go with her to the headquarters.. and i got to send my sister an email before living. While being at headquarters thinking... i started to feel too warm... and nausea came... when i left the building.. i was feeling like fading away.... weak... tired... confused.... and with nausea... i took the buss to my work and i fallen slept. It helped me... i am feeling a bit better but nausea is still here... perhaps it is just stress... there is lot of it in my life. If i could sell it i would be rich.
The girl i just kicked out of my life is writing to me on messenger right now... (what else could happen today???) I was about not to answer her... or perhaps react badly and send her to the hell... but i don't react like that with people i loved. So i answered with monosylabs "yes/no". She finally got tired of writing... thanks God.
The day is finally over... my sister told me she will lend me some money, don't know how much. And asked me to promise her i would find another job to get more income.... Luczi told me i perhaps should not because i would get more tired.... .....so what do i do? tomorrow i will think about it. today was enough for a single day. Nausea feeling is leaving me right now... it feels great.
posted by JuanCa at 5:58 PM
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