Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: Christina Aguilera /Song: Fighter /Country: Ecuador/USA ;)

Hi, i am right now at Social Security Hospital, bringing you the last news ;)

I woke up 4.41am today.... even though i had set the alarm 4.30am. I am a bit slow when i woke up so i managed to leave home around 5.24am. I arrived Hospital at 5.40 am, last time i came there was lot of people making queue so i wanted to be early and to catch a good turn. I was the second arriving, was thinking in blogging as soon as i would arrive but there was a woman, wife of another patient, who came to chat with me.

I met her my last time here, her husband has been living with aids for the last 7 years. She is hiv negative and they are still married. We talked a lot... about living with this, her experience, the reality about access to meds and many more things... there was something i noticed and called my attention... she said she had seen lot of people dying in this hospital... i mean lot of hiv/aids patients.

In a moment i could not avoid to ask her..."how many people die of aids per year in here?" She replied: "Nowadays there are less and less people dying, lets say recently i haven't heard of any of the guys dying. Although in the past it was sort of common... but most of the deaths were not because of Hiv, they were caused because people used to have messy personal lives, were drinking a lot, or got deeply depressed.... many people went for suicide after facing deep depression". We kept on talking and i felt myself lucky... she told "it is good that you don't get depressed... that's dangerous".

And she is right, i am lucky... with all the things i hear and i have seen since diagnosed... i could be really down... but somehow... i have faith... i follow a light... i follow my hope...

I decided today i want to post about hope. My Hope.

My Hope is sometimes big and sometimes small... it is not something you can size... but there are some things i can say about my hope... my hope is REAL and is STRONG.My hope does not depend on others... nor on normal people nor on science... i am not hoping for a cure for aids to be found. I know it is possible but i also know the chances are .. that it will not happen anytime soon. My hope is not based on that, because... to live... i don't need a cure for aids.... to live i just need to be myself and keep on living the way i have always wanted and fulfilling my role in life. That's my hope... I hope i will remain myself while going through all this... and like the bibles says "whenever i walk through a dark path... you (God) will be by my side... and you will be my strength". I also hope i can help others to live better lives while fighting hiv/aids... and i hope the day that my final moment arrive i leave this world with my soul full of love. There was a movie i saw long time ago "a knight's tale" that had a wonderful phrase saying "love must end with hope".... well i would say i want my life to end with love and hope too. I am happy today... i don't feel sorry for myself... i don't feel self pity... nor consider myself in worst situation than anyone else in the world despite the hard times i have been facing all these months. I feel i am ok, i know i am going through what i had face in life... this was my path and i had to face it.... and i do it. That's the reason why i have had so many chats about life and death lately.... because i needed to realize... i am alive, and i am happy about it. I know one day i will die... but i won't force that day... and it is not going to come any time soon.... it will arrive at the right time.... in the right moment and i will happily go into the good night. Although that day is not today... and won't be tomorrow.... today i am happy with myself and the world around me.... i see lot of bad things happening to the world around and i don't complain about them today... i prefer to do something to fix them... i guess that's the best gift i can leave to everyone around me... my helping hand.

God has strange ways to do things... while leaving home.. i forgot my keys.. i have no way to get in again tonight. I called my mother... she will go home and bring my keys.. she wanted to be with my at Drs appointment but i told her there was no need. Once at hospital and taking my turn (got turn number 2) they asked me for my appointment card... oups... i forgot it at home. I called my mother and she will bring it to me.... so.... she will be with me in Drs. appointment today anyways :))) so funny... what is meant to be... is meant to be. Sometimes i feel a bit of fear of being so happy.... i feel sometimes i am enjoying my life so much right now because something might happen suddenly.... we, human beings, are not used to enjoy life... we always think something bad might come afterward.... i will work against that. Perhaps today i am just happy and calmed and optimistic because i should be.... i mean.. why not?

My heart is not ashamed.

Labels: New life, same illness