Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: Kudai /Song: Dejame escapar /Country: Chile/Ecuador :)

Tomorrow i will have my third testimony, this time it is going to be in Palenque... a small town two hours far from my city. I have never ever been there... i am glad i am going, i like to travel (and plan to take lot of pics). Tomorrow i will finally meet Maximiliano Noboa, he is a young guy (i think my age) who is the director of Vihda Foundation, Javico knows him and said he is quite a cool guy, i have just seen Maximiliano couple of times when attending appointments with Claudia, but we have never talked, tomorrow he is picking me up then we will pick up the rest of facis and travel.

This sounds silly but i cannot find proper clothe for tomorrow... i know i said i never worried about appearance, but i want to look great in these sessions.... i want to look healthy, well dressed, like a great guy... because that's exactly what they are not expecting from a seropositive person. Perhaps that's why they get so surprised when i tell them my story....that together with my red hair which make them think i am rich guy or descendant of foreigners (speaking about paradigms of people).

I just discover since yesterday and today that my life is not going so well... and it has nothing to do with Hiv, i was reflecting and i realised i have done some stupid things that makes me dislike myself right now. Don't worry none was in danger... just me. Since some time i am thinking there is a specific point we all fail to analyse about seropositive people.... what lead them to risky behaviours?

It is clear there are no groups of risks... but people infected most of the time had one or several risky behaviours... that's the real entry for the infection, behaviours... can be addictions, lack of responsibility, promiscuity, alcohol abuse, negligence at the moment of using protection in sexual activities, and many other things. Although the real point would be... what lead people to develop risky behaviours?. Before speaking about those answers... i think i have to clarify that those risky behaviours present in people who became Hiv infected are ALSO PRESENT in people who are not infected with Hiv ...yet. So that's a point where we all have to work on. Now about the reasons that lead people to develop risky behaviorus...there are different answers... low self steem, family problems, psychological or sexual abuse in the past, feeling lost in life or careless (depression), lack of education and many other things.... the thing is... after being diagnosed Hiv, do these things get solved automatically?? NO. It does not happen.

I think that's why people have so many troubles sticking to meds and remaining alive... because even though they change their behaviours the most they can.... the basic wrong issue that lead them to those risky behaviours... is not solved yet. You can't kill a tree only by cutting it... you have to take off the roots otherwise the tree might grow again. I am not the exception... and i feel bad about it. I think i have to re plan my life... there are many things i have asked my family to help me... but i am a 30 years old guy i should solve them by myself.. which would increase the difficulties in my life... and the stress.. but it is a way to avoid listening complains from others saying "remember the way we help you". I will work about it and i will work in solving my wrong areas/issues....which is actually the hardest thing to do... i can change my food... but what about changing issues that bothered my life since xx years old? issues i might not even recognise right now but that unconsciously lead me to risky/thoughtless behaviours that took me here.... not an easy thing to solve.

I am in contact with a person from Care Ecuador, she sent me file of the project they are developing and asked me to check it and give her inputs, 26 pages... i will have lot of fun reading... even though for the first quick view... i never saw measurable numbers... i mean they want to help to reduce stigma... how do they know if it works if they don't have numbers? They are working geographically as these medical facilities are placed in specific areas they should make a census and then a survey to be filled by inhabitants... at the end of the project they should repeat the survey to see if their project was successful. I don't know why people fail in such small details. I have always been a number's lover... they helped me a lot while MCVP Exchange and Finance in Ecuador and while working as account manager in a Market research company. Well... i will read it all tomorrow and i will let you know my opinion. They will also send me the full file of the Plan against AIDS developed in Ecuador.... lets see what surprise i get from there.

My laptop died.... one more time.... that sucks!!! I still miss 100usd to pay it, and i cannot give it back because my older niece (9 years old) burned the cover with a candle...... so for some reason that laptop should be mine huh? i think i will send it to be repaired to a professional place.... mmmm... how will i pay that?... no... i better ask my sister to check it first... at least she does it for free.

Well... nothing else to talk about right now, i will try to blog tomorrow night and post pics. Have a good night 1.20am here... i need to look for nicer clothe.. and wake up tomorrow 6am to get shaved and dressed and look like a movie star :) Max picks me up at 7.30am... i should do something not to sleep so late at night.

Labels: New life, same illness