Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: Soraya /Song: Suddenly /Country: Colombia/USA

Hi this was a sort of "normal" weekend, like those i am usually having since diagnosed. Not too many things to talk about just a couple of "particular" situations. First i can't still solve my internet connection problem. Even though i found out a way to connect through dial up, but 5 times slower than my work connection... it sucks. I might use it anyways for posting updates.

On Saturday i had an argument at work with Gary, a co worker. Rosa was having her baby-shower party and our boss asked us to contribute with some presents, she said we could buy something for about 10 usd each so we will deliver it to her. I spent 7 usd, my boss 10usd and Gary... spent 3 USD. Which seemed like an insult for me. I asked him "is that all that you will deliver to her?" and he exploded and off course, i am hiv+ boy but not silly + boy so i exploded too... i was ready for some boxing....really.. i was really ready... now, keep in mind last time i fought with someone due to my own will was when i was in 4th grade of school... and the very last time i fought with someone was in 6th grade of high-school (i was in a military high-school... so they found funny every Friday to get people boxing just out of nothing...they just chose two and said "fight"... i hated it). Anyways it was 13 years ago... but i was ready to fight with Gary... i even imagined the blood flowing ... i was angry... i was ready.... although it was not because of Rose's gift... i guess i just have some anger still inside... finally we only argued.. screamed.. and nothing else. I don't want to talk to him.

The anger could be from all those moments i have wanted to kick/hit people at hospitals... or all those times i have wanted to break everything around me and i haven't done it.. i have controlled myself... dunno if one day i will lose that self control. A fight sounds like relaxing sometimes.... but no, i am not going to look for it. I am a civilised guy.

I spent big part of Saturday at work, not working because i was free but they had internet connection and i was there making the last post on my Hiv blog. Then i came home and found an old friend online. This is a mature man, artist in his 40. I would define him like a successful guy, got lot of money, studied abroad (in Russia and other countries) and he is living here since several years. He is one of the top people in cultural environment in the country... got a great car by the way. We haven't talked in long time so we met online and arranged a chat in Fruta Bar, it was cool we talked and talked and talked. It is cool to go out and meet people again. He does not know my status and i really found no reason for telling him. We went to buy some stuff at pharmacy, and then he said "you know... there is something i haven't told you.... i have a heart disease" while he took a small green pill. I though... huh?...i mean a heart disease is something serious but it is just a disease.. how bad can it be?... and i asked (i know i should keep my mouth closed sometimes).."oh really, what do yo have?". He answered "well this is a strange disease that makes the walls of the heart become thicker and thicker.. until it is too hard for the muscle (heart) to work..... this comes from my father's family, some people have it in different levels, as for me... i am having it in the worst.. i used to be quite ok but in the last 5 years it has became worst". "Oh ... wow... i am sorry... but i think there should be treatment" - i replied... i mean.. it is hard for me now to figure out any disease that is worst than Hiv... i mean all others are supposed to be curable.

He answered "there is treatment but no cure, i have been poisoning myself with this pills for three years already and i am tired of it". When he said so... i though "guy... you have no idea on what to poison yourself with meds forever means... believe me". He only has three years in meds... people living with Aids have to keep them forever... i mean....he too.. but he is just starting.. how can he be so tired of it?, he is just beginning!!. He told me side effects of his meds are too strong.. but i still told him.. "how strong can they be man? i mean i have heard of people with terrible stuff... feeling like vomiting every time they take their pills but unable to vomit because they cannot throw the pills away... i have heard about people feeling worst with meds than without them". "That's exactly how i feel" he said. "One of the side effects of these pills is chronic fatigue... i mean.. look at me... i don't go out, i work about 14 hours per day... i really love working, i love my job.. i don't drink, i don't party, i have a normal calmed life ... my work is the only thing that fills my life.. but these pills are taking it away from me... i have to take them 3 times per day and after it i am unable to work... i am unable to stand up from bed and live... i don't want that.. i can't take them no more" - were his words. The i said "ok, i understand you... but there are different ways to deal with side effects of meds". I was very near to tell him i am hiv poz... but what for?... i preferred to use the few i have learnt about meds and side effects to somehow help him.. but his answer hit me strongly "Yes, there are different ways of dealing with side effects and thats exactly what i will do... i told you i am leaving to Canada this week,... but i haven't told you it is because i will have an experimental heart surgery to work on my heart problem". I said "what?". "Yes, there is this experimental procedure where they take off the heart from your body and work on the walls of it to make them less thick, after that they re insert the heart again and well.. after sometime, the patient should recover and see an improvement in his condition... still with it, the procedure has not been tested enough times to say if it works or not... so there is no guarantee... the Dr. who accepted me for this procedure told me it is quite safe though"- He said. I asked him.."what do you mean with experimental procedure? and what do you mean with there is no guarantee?... are you trying to say that... " "Yes, that thing is exactly what i am trying to say. It is just what you are thinking.. if things go fine.. i might be back by the end of the month... otherwise... i might not survive the surgery and will die before leaving the surgery room".

I got shocked... how can someone expose himself to such a risk?... i mean i would never take (or at least not now) take part in experimental procedures or testing of meds.. i prefer those who are already been tested. Plus.. how can someone be so aware of the risk of dying and still desire to go on with this risky plan?... Then i understood... as i said many times before... pain...

Pain is a big motivation for people... we all try to run away from it.. we all try to hide it and not to face it... and in the middle of despair... some people chose to die instead of living with it.... none likes to live with pain... and when it lasts too much... some people cannot handle it. It is like when there is fire in a tall building... and you are in the last floor... near the window... you can't leave the room... and it gets worst and worst.... you feel the fire starting to burn you... and in those moments.. in desperation... some people jump.... they know they might not survive... but desperation blows their mind... and the instinct of conservation... pulls them to go away from pain... sometimes going directly to death. I understood i was not able to advice my friend... i was not even able nor allowed to question his decision... we as human being.. should be owner of our life and our death. I learnt it with Hiv people and that is a right i reserve for myself too. As i said before... if one day i feel i need to decide to die because i don't feel like keep on going with what happens to me or my body in that time... i will. It is my right and i hope others around will respect it. Luckily i don't feel myself near of that decision right now.... but my friend is... and i could just tell him words of understanding... i had some more questions... but i wasn't sure if to ask them... he saw my face and told me "ask me anything you want... go ahead". "Do you believe in God?".. i mean i wanted to ask him what was his expectations in case he dies.. but i just didn't know how to phrase it properly... he answered "I don't believe in God... and i am not afraid to die... you know... to live poisoning myself is so fucking hard that if to die is the answer.. i am ok choosing it though. Once death i believe in reincarnation... so.. i think i somehow might be back in a way or another. Something you have to understand is that i have been living the last 8 months with a "sudden death" diagnosis... meaning that my Drs. told me that due to my condition i might have a heart attack anytime.. and i would not get over it... i have everything planned for my death since long... i have everything ordered... all....but i am still here... poisoning myself.. and i prefer to die instead of keeping on living this way... so if i have to chose between risk of living or the risk of dying... i take the bet".

I didn't know what to say... i disagree with his beliefs... because i do believe in God.. but i hope God pardons me... i just didn't feel it was the time to discuss about it, or trying to change his point of view... nor to ask him about "what if reincarnation does not exist?" i didn't feel the right of making him doubt of his decision... because i know humans have an inner conservation instinct... if he has decided to go this way... he might be living something nor i nor anyone else might understand and the only thing i could do was respect his thoughs... and wish him the best possible in the surgery room. After it, we changed topic.

Later on i was wondering myself... what was the goal of this meeting? i mean... prior to my diagnosis.. i never met people who were so close to death... i was like anyone else.. afraid of dying but never thinking about it... and now... i have a non curable disease... i hear often cases of people dying because of it.... people struggling or fighting for their lives... and even when i less expect... i meet people who might be about to die. What for? i don't get it... i don't understand what should be my lesson out of all this... i was just looking for a normal chat with someone normal... someone who might not have any trouble... he is rich, he is smart, he is successful .... but he is not happy.... he is so unhappy to even play the Russian roullette with his life.... perhaps i am not successful... but i am still fine, i am still ok... i am still myself and out of despair... perhaps in that way i won the race. Lord... i need you to explain me a bit more of what you are trying to teach me these days because i am not sure i am getting the total idea... i might be missing something... help me out.

Few mins before meeting David, my friend i mentioned above... i met Max on internet, he is a friend living with aids and actually the person who directed me to Myriam for help when i first got diagnosed. We didn't chat often... but he asked me how i was, i told him "i am fine and you?". We talked a bit more... and near the end of the chat he told me "you know.. i feel you quite ok, quite calmed... seems you have assimilated your situation quite well". I replied "i am ok, i am actually in peace with myself and comfortable with my destiny... there are few issues who bother me... but in general i am really fine". "So glad to hear that, i wish i could say the same... it seems this coming week i will establish a demand against Ecuador government due to the unavailability of tests for people living with Aids" he said. "Oh really?... that sucks, but i know it... i have never taken my viral load test so far..... so i know what you mean with it" I answered. Max is member of the coalition of people living with Aids. After this chat i met David and learnt about all this i have told you.... i feel i am missing something... i haven't taken into account some detail to complete the puzzle and learn this lesson.... there is a lesson for me in this but i don't seem to catch it... God will have to help me.. because i really want to learn... i feel... i really need to learn this lesson somehow... it will help me out in the future.

I also had a fight with someone i mentioned some weeks ago, this person knows my status because i decided to tell her... after having some adult chat... where she expressed the desire of having sex with me... i disclosed because i found her interesting not only for sex but for something more. Today we were chatting and i made a joke, she was saying she was having troubles with her teeth so i told her "ahh you have cavities in your teeth? then we can't french kiss, huh?" trying to joke and suggesting she might contagious her dental issues to me (which i am not sure.. i was just teasing her)... but she answered "you mean that if we kiss i might get infected by you?". I told her "what?". It is impossible to infect someone by kissing, not even french kissing... there are no cases registered in 25 years. I got angry... because after i disclosed to her, i gave her some addresses where she could find more info about Hiv and all her doubts... but it is clear she didn't look for anything... she kept her paradigms and wrong ideas about this. Then she said "well, i have decided i won't have sex with any seropositive person... at least not that i know.... and this not for my physical well being but for my mental one". I got angry... off course.. i like her... but i mean apart from that... she does not understand that having protected safe with a seropositive person is SAFE. There is no risk!!. Sometimes stupidity is just too big... and i told her... "you know it is very possible you have already had sex with seropostive people in the past..." and she answered "well,.... that was without knowing it.. so thats another case, but if i know.. i would never have sex with a seropositive guy"... so lil silly barbie... what do you mean?? that i should have lied to you so we could have sex??? looks like you are more blonde than i got to realise (this is what i though... i didn't talked to her this way.. i am a gentleman).... and we argued... i told her she is being discriminative, at this time i don't care about having sex with her.. but she is so stupid thinking that having protected sex with a seropositive person is bad... and she does not realise that she might have done it thousand times before... then she accepts as good the fact of having sex with a person of unknown status... because it is clear not all seropositives will come to you and tell you "Hi i have hiv"...stupid girl!!. Well.. we both got pissed off and stopped talking. Fine with me.. i haven't been close to her in 6 years... so i don't need her around anyways, and worst having such strong blondie ideas and closed mind not even interested in getting educated... as for me.. you go to the hell!!.

Well, these are my "normal" days... seeing the world from different eyes... from eyes of those risking all to win all....from the eyes of those who are not able to spend over 3 usd for someone else.... from eyes of those who risk their names to fight for other rights and access to meds and tests....from the eyes of those who prefer discriminate those who are sincere and rather believe those who might lie to them in their faces.... from the eyes of those not desiring to know the truth and accept that living or having a relationship with a seropositive person IS NOT RISKY as long as you have minimum care measures like many people do and live happily together without getting infected...... and from the eyes of those like me... willing to learn but unable to catch the whole picture yet. Life is so strange.... but i know two things for sure... everything happens for a reason.... and God has a plan for every single thing happening to us and around us.... we just need to understand it a bit more and we will realise what's the role we have to play in life. I am up to learn how to play my role in this game.... and to do it right.

Labels: New life, same illness