Nomad JuanCa's Report

hey there!!! Long time no writing huh?. I have been without connection trying to safe some money and not keep on over spending. Anyways there are lot of things i would like to tell you.... time for venting i guess.

Ok,... so... where do i begin?. My laptop was fixed and i borrowed it to Javico. Still if we are not so close as before the truth is that i trust that guy... so i had no problem in lending it to him. He just had his exams... his viral load is undetectable yet (which is the best possible condition once you are diagnosed Aids). He didn't know his CD4 result but i am sure he is going to do fine... he is just freaking out too much about it. I understand this whole thing pulls his nerves and i wish i could help him more...it was the same for me... you all know it, i told him "Javico.. don't worry too much, let things flow... let it go...." but i am not sure if he understood me.

Yesterday i went with my mother to her training about Hiv. Not sure if i told you, she just finished first level of a training about Hiv and living with it, organised by meds without borders. She will receive a diploma like Health Promoter. She asked me to go with her since i was free and i accepted... it was nice but not all i expected.

I arrived there and well... they had to start the session about Hiv while there were employees taking a computer course around us. Before they started i took a computer and i was checking my email when someone asked me if i would take long because he was using the pc, i turned around... and it was a neighbour. Shit... such small world. Off course, he knew my mother and me were attending a Hiv training, hope he is not gossipping... even though knowing the people in this neighbourhood... by this moment everybody knows and they might be wondering what was i doing there??? "perhaps he is infected..." they would say. losers, i could have been there only to learn... but no... if i go to a Hiv training then "he may have hiv". I hate this paranoid way of thinking.

I got shocked.. to this training there are only women attending... i was the only man. 90% of them are over 40 years old and one or two are in their 30's. None knows if any of them is infected or relative of an infected one... they don't even know the trainer is a Poz person... they don't disclose. How are they expecting others to accept us if they are the first ones ashamed of their condition????. Got a bit angry.... By other hand, the trainer did some good in not disclosing.. he is gay and a bit feminine. I mean i am ok with gay people, what i would not like is that students would think "ah he is gay... for sure he has it" or "he has aids because he is gay... that's why!!". Although this could have been explained to them to eliminate the wrong idea from their mind... He should have disclosed.

The training was about "sensibilisation". It was a sensibility training.. one of those i have delivered but i have never received. That's nice. Why none trains me???? Ok i know i am not part of any foundation.. but shouldn't it be something like that for newbies??? at least in my Hospital??? there is an organisation at my hospital called "spring"... referring to a Christian bliblical term (don't know why they have to use biblical references to this kind of groups.... i mean i am Christian and i love Jesus as it is clear for all of you... but being part of a group with such a name... makes me feel closer to heaven when i what i want is to remain on earth!!!).

Well.. the sensibilisation started ok. He did an activity where we wrote down the names of people we loved and then he took one of those and asked us "what do you feel now that this person is infected?" In my case he took the name of my sister. That was painful. I cannot imagine it... i mean... the pain i would suffer if someone else from my family would get infected. I mean I will be there for them since i know how it feels.. but just the simply idea that someone else's in my family or in my group of friends gets infected... makes me feel so bad and useless. I though "mmm perhaps this training will be good". And then it all started to go wrong...

I don't remember clearly why but we reached the point where someone asked the trainer why hiv + people feel the need of infecting others??? I though "OMG!! and i started to feel the blood coming over to my head... a bit of anger..." I though he would reply appropriately and instead of he said "Hiv+ keep on infecting others deliberately because we all human being have a bit of evil inside". And i though "WHATTTTT??? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SAYING FUCKING DONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I hadn't disclose... being that none had done it... and that my mother might feel bad if i did... i didnt do it... and ok, i got afraid. You see... i have disclosed several times.. but when one of us is ashamed/afraid to do it in front of others... it makes us feel ashamed and afraid too... thats not a good example. Whatever, i assumed this donkey (sorry... trainer) had mistaken his words.. so i asked him in order to give him a chance to fix up his disaster "ok but you say poz people do infect others deliberately... i wonder how often is that happening... because it is not true that all of them do it... i know some friends who are poz and they worry about not infecting others" - I asked.

He replied "That's right, not all of Hiv+ go around infecting others deliberately... but lets say... from every 10 patients 2 of them usually do it. Two of them goes around infecting others deliberately".

WHHHHATTT SHIIIITTTT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY???????????????????????????? - I though. He is a donkey... ok, i feel he is a bastard. He cannot go around and say such a crap about us... come on looser you are poz too!!!!!!!!! (i know he was poz cause Myriam from network of poz women had talked to me about this guy before but i hadn't meet him). Off course, people got afraid... and terrified and scared... and i was pissed off!!!!!. The beat didn't realise he was building more stigma around us ... and was not being any help. He changed topic.

The training is a bit frustrating... most of the people are not well educated... some of them were not even sure of what was the topic of the session of yesterday. Some of them couldn't even pronounce "confidentiality" and kept on saying "confidenciability". I felt frustrated. But the shit continued.

Someone asked him about life expectancy of Hiv patients. I rosed my hand saying i wanted to answer that cause i had read a report saying that our life expectancy has increased reaching now 39 years for non co-infected patients and 33 for co-infected ones. As soon as i finished he told me in front of everybody... Well, you might have read that somewhere.. but the truth is that "there is no life expectancy when you speak about hiv".

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????????????????????????????????

I am not exaggerating... i was that angry. How come the beast, donkey, asshole, bastard can say such stupid things in front of others... hello looser you have to deliver FAITH, HOPE, BREAK THE STIGMA, FACILITALE ACCEPTANCE of poz patients. No increase the fear, sadness and stigma around us. He is a bastard. I complained and i told him that was not possible, i had this research made in OXFORD!!!. And he eliminate the credibility of everything i said by saying "i have 14 years working on hiv and we have checked up lot of researches... none of them makes sense". STUPID!!. Now you understand how it feels to live in a country like this one... where stupidity has a high voice and is accepted by others without complains. Still with it, i told him... "I DISAGREE WITH YOU". He said, "you can disagree and we can keep on discussing this at the end of the session but i won't accept your point anyways... really... you know people can die tomorrow of a car truck, or any other accident... none has life for sure". And i understood that there is a gap... between the brain of this guy, his heart and his mouth. He might have a good idea but he does not phrase it well... and his feels no guilty for the stupid things he is saying and the damage he is infringing on us. Off course i know we all can die tomorrow... but thats why it is called life EXPECTANCY it refers to the possibilities of living longer of people, in average... not as a rule. I was so disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated... he knew it. He saw my face and you all know my face is quite evident. By this time he knew i was Hiv poz, no normal person on earth knows so much about Hiv like we patients do.

Well... the rest of the training was a bit better... he said some smart things and some scientific facts about other stuff... but the damage was done... now 13 more people thing we go around infecting others and that we are about to die soon. Sometimes i hate this world. Ok, perhaps not this world but the lack of conscience and intelligence of some people not measuring the damage their words can make to others. At the end of the session i asked him his email and told him i would send him some info... the research about the life expectancy and also wrote to him telling him i was poz and i wanted to talk to him to give him some feedback about his sessions. I guess i have to talk to him about being more careful with his words.... hopes he understands it.

My brother in law flew to Canada yesterday night for a month to finish his master degree.

Today i went to help to the network of positive women and to be sincere... i wasn't that happy. I feel a bit used. Why? because they are using me... Perhaps it is not bad but you know... for you all Aiesecers, you all know that when you are going to deliver a training we all do our own ppts... not with them... they don't know how to handle a computer, not to mention about ppts... one of them asked me to help her with her ppt presentation about the profile of a counsellor and when i said to her, ok lets do it.. she said "yeah but you know.. i have to go somewhere else to do something, could you do it for me?? thank you". I did it... although i didn't feel comfortable with it. I also had to add special effects to another presentation one of the leaders had already done... and... i had to serve them as a quick translator of some of their English emails. Which was a bit embarrassing because i realised i cannot translate easily. Isn't it silly? I can write all this in English but i cannot read it on real time in Spanish. My mind is divided.. part of it speak English and port of it speak Spanish... my bran cannot speak both at the same time and cannot see English characters and read them loud in Spanish. I am an English speaker... not a translator. Well.... this last part will only be understood by those speaking more than one language or having lived in multicultural environments. I tried to deliver all my help but i just don't like to do others work... i mean they should do it by themselves. i went there to help with extra things not with doing all the work they don't do. At the end i also understood they are not good in computers.. ok ok ok. They asked me to prepare a training for them where i could later on show them how to use computer. i will do that very soon.

Good news... as some of you may already know... MY TEAM FROM RUSSIA WROTE TO MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God!!!!!! that made me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. We are all in contact again, we are missing just one Dasha, Tanya, Masha and Sergej's emails but all of others are already in contact, they sent me this pics. Go Check them!!!!

First pic is Mitya and Stella. Second pic was my dearest boss... Masha, which words have inspired me for many many years. Third pic is Olya and Dasha (left) and Mitya and Stella (right).

They all mean a lot for me, talking to them makes me feel like back home... back to mother Russia, i am glad they found me again. We are in touch and i hope we won't lose the contact anymore. Monika from India (but currently living in London) also wrote to us back. It is great to be together with them. I just wrote to them with a brief update about my life and.... disclosed my status to them. I trust them... and i made sure in telling them, they should not fear about my health... i am ok. Those guys mean a lot to me.

Well tomorrow i will be the whole day in an exposition way out of the city in a very very exclusive neighbourhood... for some reason i am not much happy. The previous person from my company who was there ended up quite angry.... God knows why.... well... lets see.. hope it all works out fine for me. You see... there was lot to tell. Now it is time to go sleeping have a good night all.

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