Nomad JuanCa's Report

This weekend was nice, as i was free. We had holiday on friday but i had to work ... by the time i was free on saturday everybody had already their own plans and i wasn't involved. No problem i am not much of a going out sort of guy these days. So stayed home and slept a lot... i wasn't feeling weak, nor down... i just wanted to sleep... come on... isn't it tasty? sleeping and sleeping and sleeping? mmm i could spend my life that way.

I have talked to Javico, and in fact we met and spoke about what has he worried at this time, but he is not totally true with me so i am not sure how i can help him. I would say he suffers what most of us suffer... fear of exposure. Whatever happens in his mind and in his life that he is trying to solve with the help of Claudia is something he is not going to tell me. Fine. About his current state he says he is worried about his current numbers, they are not bad... but they stopped increasing. He is worried cause he thinks he might not be getting better. I tried to understand him but i sometimes cannot. I though he would have more knowledge about the disease... i think he is starting to panic, plus the side effects of meds are pulling his nerves apart. I am afraid. I am afraid he may lose the control of the situation and of his life. What get you going is the control and perspective you have about your current situation... if you lose control and optimistic perspective you are nothing more than a blind person walking around and not aware of where the abyss is... and yes... some people fall into it.

I guess i can try to give him words of hope, and motivation but they might not help him much at this time... i feel he is listening but not understand what i tell him. His problems does not come from outside but from within. And that part of him has restricted access so i cannot help him, i guess the solution for his problems should come from within too... where they are usually harder to find. I found out he lied to me before... couple of months ago i asked him about his numbers and he told me he had CD4 of 350 and Viral Load undetectable... now he told me when he was diagnosed his CD4 was around 15 (and now you know why he was about to die) but they have increased until 150 and they established there. I have good memory for the data i am interested in and as a good friend i was highly interested in his health. I realised he had lied to me... and i actually don't know why... i mean... he knows all my life, same like you all do.... well you don't know all my life, just what i write here but it is big part of it. Well, it was not the moment for complaining nor asking why he lied, i just listened. I tried to give him some words of hope and strength but i guess my words are not exactly what he needs... i cannot help him much this time... and feel somehow useless, he is the only one able to get over this situation and step into a new bright life. I suggested him to talk to God... yeah, i believe in God and i think it is him who has me so calmed... i have battled with him before (God) but i know he is still here and we get along better cause i know i have nothing to hide to him. He understands me.

This week i want to think and analyse about something i was thinking today at night. The evil inside. There is an evil inside all of us, we are not all pure not all bad.. we are mixture of many things, but the worst things we have are mostly not exposed. Because we were told we had to hide them from others... we had to simulate "we were all nice" and forget about the hate, fears, frustrations ...about all demons living inside of us... The problem is that sometimes, they come to the light and for much of us.. we are not able to see them face to face and accept they are a part of me... and a part of you too. Sometimes, those demons inside.. claim for our lives... and yes, sometimes they use the worst inside us to make us fall, to make us fear... those things we cannot accept and understand from the nature of any human being and that hurt us deeply once exposed.

All these years since joining Aiesec and perhaps since borned it has been a fight and a continuous path to accept my own demons and deal with them. Some of them i have over come them.. some others not. At least right now i am not afraid of saying i was a depressive guy long time ago back in high school and even was somehow suicidal. I also was this type of guy with a bad image of himself and insecure.... who me? YES ME!!. We all have devil inside and we all know how to hide them... for long time i did it too. That was long before AIESEC and lasted until the time i improved my relationship with God. This is my truth, does not mean it has to be other's ... but is just mine and i am thankful for the fact i can say some of the bad things i know about me... because it means they don't hurt me anymore. Those demons are unable to claim my life cause i have already defeated them. I just wish my friends could do the same. It took me long to value myself for who i am... not for what i have or what i did or do. Right now i am learning about it and suddenly... i realise that loosing everything (material) i had wanted to have means nothing, loosing one of the most important internal things i had (my health) means not much... and that i am still alive and valuable. Now i finally value myself. Me, who i really am. With all my mistakes and disasters from the past... with all the failures and troubles i have been facing and trying to fix... i love my life because it has been something i have made with my own hands. And i love myself cause it took long to reach here... and be the person i am today... and off course as you know it was not easy... That's perhaps the reason why i am not afraid of being so exposed... because it forces me to be sincere with myself and others.. it forces me to be really me.

My current demon inside is the fear... that leads me to negation. Fear is such a fucking hard thing to destroy. And perhaps it is better not to eliminate it completely.. but fear, like any other beast... has to be domesticated. I am working in doing it so... so it won't try to bite me and eat me anymore. My fear shows his face when i don't answer my phones, when i get my bank monthly letters and i don't open them or when i over react about something i read. Claudia was telling me in my last meeting that i have been over exigent with me, despite the good assimilation process i have had with this disease. I still need to know world can be changed in one single day, and care a bit more about my life and train my fear to obey me. So... the steps are... start slowly... opening the banks monthly reports.. i have lot of them unopened. So... lets do it now, lets open one of those i know i haven't paid (i usually i don't open the others cause i have payment agreements with the banks so i somehow know how the situation is with them). Ok, let me open this one and we will see. Hold on...ok, first one... Unibank monthly report of...24/07/07... debt 494.68 USD (in fact the debt is over 1000 USD but the minimum to pay is 494.68 USD). Damn.. as obvious i cannot pay them. I can hardly pay what i am paying in my other banks... ok, i will try to talk to them and see if i can reach a payment agreement (don't know from where i would pay them but i will see). Next one.. Guayaquil Bank. I signed a payment agreement with them for my Visa credit card as i was told they would not renew it. I will do my first payment from this agreement after 15th of this month. Once signing the agreement i was told my credit cards were blocked and cancelled. Which was sad... last thursday... i got my new visa credit cards from them. So right now i am not sure if i will be able to keep them or not. I wouldn't like to lose them (my visa credit card and the extension i requested for my mother use).. i had them for couple of years and was a good client. Ok... i will have to go the bank this week and talk to them to see if i can keep them or not... but as for what i was told i mostly won't be able to use them anymore.

Done, first step to defeat my fear today. Do i feel nervous? Yes... do i feel sad? not sad but not as happy/strong like before. Did this hit me? yes... it did. At the end one has to understand life is like this... sometimes it caresses you, sometimes it hit you.... but life... always... always teach you and makes you stronger. The most we let the light come into the darkest sides of our lives... the less demons we will have to be afraid of. At least i won today.

I read this on internet long time ago, i think it belongs to a movie.

"Everything I've learnt about life I can sum up in three words: it goes on."

Sunday was great at my sister's place, ate a lot... a lot ... a lot... a lot. Played to the kitchen with my youngest niece (not the playing to the kitchen would really be my thing... but she found none else free to play with her LOL.). It was fun, in a moment i was feeling tired and found a way to scape from her (and her lil plastic kitchen) and went to my mom's room to sleep. She found me some minutes later and woke me up :) and brought all her kitchen to the bed to keep on playing :))))) hehehe, those girls are awesome. I had a good day today, I am ok and happy with my life. And the best is that i know i can still make it better :)

Tuesday morning, appointment with my Dr to get my new results, i told Claudia i was feeling fear.. but i am about to get over it. I feared a lot the HCV but she told me.. "you know... you still don't know if you have Hepatitis C Virus (HCV) so why are you looking for info about treatment options?.. come on, lets get the results and then we think about it... chances are you have nothing and your worried without reason". And it made sense to me. Psychologist are smart people, never doubt about it.

Gotta work tomorrow morning, but... i want to play another session of Age of Empires before going to sleep :)). Have a good night.

Labels: New life, same illness