Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hey there :))) good day, i am at work right now (yeah i know... how can someone work on sunday?... but you see... someone had to make sure the world kept on moving!! ;)). I am at work right now like i said yesterday it will be a long day today, but the good part is that i have internet for free :))) heeey!!! to survive i just need music, computer with internet access and.... a big enourmous hamburguer with all possible ingredients!!!! (right now i am missing the hamburguer :( you see.. nothing is perfect).

I decided to post because i saw something that i wanted to talk about. Two things.. first about a report i got from the Development Programme of United Nations in Ecuador and second about what i was thinking about the so called "Strategic Plan against Hiv/Aids" and its view about the fight. First here is the file i got by email, spanish only... so sorry.
For those spanish speakers you can save the image in your computer and make it bigger. I read the report, it is actually sort of interesting, i mean they publish it like they are doing something. Perhaps they do... but i keep on thinking it is not enough... off course, i am not well known for being patient about my health issues.

When i decided i would fight against hiv, i learnt one thing... i had to get exposed (NOT OVER EXPOSED like has happened to this blog lately) but exposed in some way in my country, cause if none speaks... none cares.... if none see our face.... people tend to think we don't exist... but we do... we are here and won't leave anytime soon (crossing my fingers about it!!). It is hard because you know... i cannot get totally exposed yet... i remember the first weeks after my diagnosis i was planning to call to "cosas de casa" a tv show for families and ask them about saying something about hiv, i was even thinking i could go there and talk about it, telling others i just got infected and this could happen to everyone... it was an urgency... i had to speak about... and off course, i started in this blog... don't know if my reaction was good or bad, perhaps was a "sky falling" attitude some people hate (i have lot of that like everyone else)... but for me i just realised this was really happening and none was talking about it.

I talked to the first poz person who helped me... Max, and i told him what i wanted to do and he said "oh really? don't worry we all pass through that... it will go soon". No, it was not the answer i was expecting. I understood none is interested in speaking about it.. not coming to the light.... not even poz "activists". They are as hiden as any newly diagnosed. I forgot about my ideas of calling to that tv show. Then i foud out some place over internet where people did say something about it.. some blogs. And i though.. "yes!! this can happen, i could make it work for people over here too". Then i got involved in other place where i found some info that could help me... but well... sometimes info does not come hand by hand with understanding. You see that's our world nowadays.

I decided i wanted to do something.... i wanted to speak (and you know i am hard to remain silent... specially when i see others in potential danger of infection and they are not aware). So i though about it and i though about it..... i requested the chance to put a blog without my face. I was told that to post a blog i had to show my face.... meeeee??? showing my face?????? in a country where people who are over 20 years infected are yet unknown???. Hard decission... it took me couple of days to think about it... i didn't mention it to anyone.... it was my decission since i was putting in risk my life, my work, my future in this country. I actually don't remember clearly what got me decided... but there was something happening in those days that made me feel comfortable with ... disclosing in this blog first, and then disclose over there.

Off course i am not fool, i know the risk of exposition would grow exponentially... i could post my info in here but very few people from Ecuador read it and my friends have proved to be quite discret (which i thank you one more time guys!!!!). About the other place... i knew risk of exposition would be even lower... because very few latins read websites in English and eventhough my blog was in Spanish it would take time for others to discover it... i would use this time to secure my position. To Secure my position means to develop a way not to struggle if it comes publicly i am Hiv poz and i get fired.... there are no poz friendly jobs in here.... those companies (very few) who keep poz workers do not hire new ones. I am still in the process... if i get fired now i am mostly lost. Although... i would not be sad... i have done something to help others, could be one or two... or 20.... if it was only one... then it was worth the effort anyways.

The recent exposure this blog got, got me thinking about it and in fact.... made me realise Ecuadorian visits to this blog have increased lately from 5 per day to over 30 in some days. Uff... that's lot. And it was unexpected and non desired. I worried about it yesterday night and went to do some google... and guess what? I found an email i sent to someone posted on internet in another blog i wasn't aware of. You can see it in here. This just show Ecuadorians do consider internet a free place and are not aware of copyrights laws.... i just had some trouble about it few days ago. The fact that this person posted literally my email in his blog is not a big deal to me as long as the message reaches the desired audience... those discriminating poz people in my country. Off course this is ONLY MY OPINION and now i am aware some other people around the world think.... just different. In fact the post this journalist made of my email got a comment from a girl from Chile who wanted to contact me :) I added her to my messenger now, one more friend. Still with it i got nervous, i guess we all get nervous when we disclose.... but i know this has to happen. Some way people in my country have to realise the disease is here. I remembered my family was and is not totally happy nowdays with the idea that i write about this on internet... worst placing my pics... they felt quite nervous, but if i would have accepted their desire to be hidden... i would have given them the message that to hide/fear once you are poz is right... and it is not. It it so fucking wrong. Plus the indirect impact of my diagnosis on them... caused them fear... if i would have hide my family would have done it too... i didn't... and they didn't either.... now my mother is about to get a diploma like a health promotor after finishing a training about living with Hiv she got with Meds without borders, my sister is reading about it a lot and talking to others in her work about it, without disclosing my name but fighting stigma and fear in her own personal way. I am glad. Some times... some things in the world are the way they should be.

After reading the report from UN office, i just wrote to them... they were doing some sensibility trainings with employees and people from companies, i wrote to them and offered my help without any need of payment. In other countries people get paid to talk about Hiv, here the only paid are those who uses funds of Global Fund. As i am finding a new job a person i dated the other day (the one working in a medical trial i mentioned before) asked me why if i know so much about Hiv (she didn't know i am poz) i didn't apply for any foundation working on this issue. Mmmmm i have though about it, but nahh.... so far i don't feel comfortable with getting paid for helping others lives. I don't feel ok getting paid for something i would do for free... cause it is my desire... it is my way of helping out... my contribution. Perhaps one day i would accept a position somewhere (i have my eyes in the head of MCP of Global Fund Project here in Ecuador or the head of National Programme against Hiv/Aids.... not because of the money, but because i want the fucking damn shit to really work!!!)... but in the mean time, i am not interested in being an "employee" doing something i am paid for.... I prefer to help to fight the illness from the voluntary side. It also allows me involve to different organisations and help them in many different ways.

There was another thing callig my attention from this report, the fact that Ministry of Health said "Aids is not only a problem of healh but a problem of development too". I found it weird i mean even developped countries got aids. Max came online in that moment (the poor guy comes online everytime i have questions....) So i asked about it to him (he has been sort of activist since i don't know how long ago). He said to me it was because we lack of quality education.... i replied saying that we don't need quality education to fight aids... i mean we need education to fight it... but if we wait until we get quality education over here... come on.... it will be centuries. He then proceed to explained me that quality of education is just one thing...but the whole concept of how aids is spread more when there is a development problem refers to the fact that without development few options are available for people when it comes to protect their health. No free codoms, no free lubes, no education on the issue, lack of money so people prefer to pay a taxi to take the girl/guy to the motel... instead of buying condoms... specially if you are kind of drunk and without much money. Then he added "It is about everything, education, prevention campaigns, integral health care, reduction of stigma and discrimination, favorable laws, no corruption, etc, etc, etc.". mmmm yeah in other words, the lack of equality in the world is helping hiv to spread faster.... it all depends on us... on how we as human being balance the worldwide scorecard ... and if we make it happen fast.... wich pitifully might take long (i am still optimistic). To talk to him helped me to understand this concept. Thanks Max

Ok post log enough huh?. Gotta go...

Oh i just got an email from Luz my friend who lives in the USA. She liked Artem's songs (i told you his songs were great!!! he is a great singer hehehe). Dear i will contact Walter and correct the url address of his musical site. I am glad you found the info about the risk of lossing hearing/viewing capabilities useful. You know... i got in troubles because of it hehehehe... i will explain you by email or phone one of these days. You are right, it is good that medicine nowadays is so developed that these kind of potential risks can be avoided... and about mentioning this risk to the poz person you know, yeah it sure could help. We have some talking to do about this thing, i'll send you an email.

I also liked talking to you, you are a funny girl :)))). Ok dear gotta go... the work is calling me!!!

Have a good day everybody, sorry if this post was too long but i was sort of in mood for writing.

And guess what????... while i was just writing this... a mature woman with troubles for hearing just came into the store to ask me for some accessories.... I am sorry i could not understand her at first... she was not pronouncing words completely and the phrases were not complete... she got angry with me cause i couldn't understand :( what a mood... but yes i knew what was happenning so i was eager to help. She tried to explain me what she wanted to buy but i was confused if it was a pre paid card or a charger or what... then she looked at me angry and said "come!!". She showed me what she wanted to buy. "Ohh now i know sure sure not problem, hold on please". You know what?... i used to do the same when i was in Moscow, when i first arrived and could not communicate in English with many people in the streets. In that time i used to have a pen and a peace of paper and ask them to write prices of what i wanted to buy... or i'd point what i wanted and make the amount of items (1, 2, 3) with my fingers.... For God sake... i have already experienced this and i didn't remember.... This woman reminded that once upon a time... i was unable to communicate with others around me and i could handle it after some time.... yet it is annoying at the begginning cause we (Monica from India and me) had very few russian vocabulary... i remember once Monica told me "you know.... i wish i would know how to say cheese in Russian... i am so fucking tired of eating syrup all the time.... it is the only flavour i know how to pronounce". Hehehehehe, those old times. I finally served the woman who didnt even wait for the invoice, she had to pay me 2 usd plus taxes but i think she didn't hear me properly cause she only paid me the 2 usd price marked on the item...ahh well no problem i can pay those taxes for her, it is not much. It feels good to help others and sometimes it is amazing how what we learn is just a training for what we are going to live. It is so cool to keep on living and learning more and more everyday. So glad right now!!!