Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: Amaral /Song: Sin ti no soy nada /Country: Spain

It was such a nice day today, went to do my stuff, and then to sister's home. My nieces called me twice to ask me why was late. Finally got there and could see them. The oldest is feeling better, she is actually looking good, which makes me feel so happy. The youngest is a bit ill, randomly she gets asma episodes, i faced the same when i was young but when i became a teenager i somehow got over it. Hope it happens the same with her.

To talk to them is very funny, the older was quite happy and excited about tell me the whole story.. and the youngest wanted to do the same with the few vocabulary she knows.

When the oldest would say "You know i think the scorpion came in when mom and dad left to work and i think the lil scorpion was looking for his mom" the youngest would say "mommy daddy work scorpion mommy there is no" :)))) yeah well i am an uncle in love, so for me this is all meaningful, i feel sometimes with them i can live after my death. I mean, when i got to know my diagnosis one of the things i found sad was the fact that i had learnt several things from life and didn't have anyone to share them with.

I learnt to try to understand others and try to put me on their shoes, I learnt that the best one can do in life is to have a clean heart... if i do a mistake i do apologise. I learnt the meaning of using cultural understanding with others even if they don't use it back. By the way.. AIESEC, thank you!!. This skill have been enormously useful for me!!. I also learnt after my diagnosis to focus on what matters in life... therefore i am harder to hurt, not because things does not affect me... but because when such things happen there is something in front of me saying "you know... you might die tomorrow and this specific situation is not life altering one... so solve it and move on".

I wish i could spend more time with my nieces, i could perhaps explain them the importance of these things and when i am gone they will avoid certain experiences i already faced. i have to talk to the oldest one about hiv and aids one day... damn!!!... Since my sister knows my diagnosis we talked about how to tell to the girls the other day.... i mean i won't tell them now, they are too young... but when the oldest become a teenager.. it means in couple of years... she will have to have "a talk about sex, about all the good things and the bad things that may be". We already decided with my sister how we would do it... she will have to deal with the sexual part (the duty of a mother hehehehehehe) and i... i will deal with the part of Hiv and other STD. And i will disclose to her. Because disclosing helps to prevention.... And if there is something i would not accept is that any of these girls gets infected. The day i talk to her about all this will break my heart... cause i have seen faces of people when i tell them about my diagnosis, specially during the sensibility trainings i was speaking in... something i wasn't very much aware and i think others are not aware is the impact that an indirect diagnosis (to call it in some way... mostly known as disclosure) has in people. Indirect diagnosis = effect a person feels when knowing someone he/she knows or care or is talking to him/her has Hiv/Aids. I think most Hiv poz tend to think in what we feel... what we want... and so on, which is ok... but i guess in Ecuador there is still a need for us to look around us and see this is not only hurting and socking me but my whole family, my friends and everyone who i meet and i disclose.

Right now is like that, i believe with the years... the weight of the diagnosis will be less and less... as long as the issue becomes part of our lives and we avoid the fear... I said it before, the illness won't leave, but we have to learn to handle it and fight it. I hope to find a way to reduce the impact of an indirect diagnosis on others.. specially when the time comes to talk to my older niece... if i break her heart it would be the worst thing that could happen to me. Still with it, i know she would recover, she is such a smart and strong girl.

Couldn't stay long with them, had to cross the city to arrive to my work on time. Once there i stayed the rest of the afternoon/night working with Ricardo, which was actually fun being that today was not such a difficult day at work, you know sometimes when you have time to talk to people you get to realise that person might not be that different to you as you though. We talked about the fact that since Gary left his position and our company they have hired (and fired) two people this same week. Amazing... First was Ma. Fernanda, who was transferred from the new store they just bought, she didn't liked and started to complain... fired. Then it was Xavier, an old friend transferred from another store... he was some kind of lazy guy and was caught up on Friday by the new Administrator who got extremely pissed off and talked to the owner (his sister) to fire Xavier. Now they just decided to remove him from staff position and put him like external salesman without salary only commission... in case he accepts. Well, together with Ricardo we came up with an idea on how to help with the situation being that Rosa still have a month before her after pregnancy vacation time finishes. Let's see if it works.

I had some troubles with my new anti virus and my old Ares programme, the one i use to download my mp3. Got to change it, but this new one (in Spanish) has got a very cool interface. I am right now downloading Lara Fabian's songs, she is a French singer with an extremely powerful voice. Luz, by the way here i am posting two new Artyom's Song. The first one is one he sent me some time ago (romantic as you requested) called Crying Now (right click, save target as) and the other one i think you might like, is a new one he just sent me last week. This is a bit mixture of romantic and more dance, it is called I'm still alive (rick click, save target as) isn't it a great title? and it is a great song for sure, hope you all enjoy them. The singer is named Artyom Sennikovsky, a russian friend of mine. (hope one day he will be known and recognised by his talent). About Tino Walter, you can find his Musical website here where you can find some of his works and even download his MP3s. In case some of you don't know him, Tino Walter is a peruvian friend of mine who is also a great musician and respected in Peru. So glad i am friend of two very talented artists :). By the way if anyone likes French music, i just downloaded two songs which are awesome!!! "Lara Fabian - Evidemment" / "Lara Fabian feat Maurane - Tu es mon autre".

Forgot about my vitamins today again... i think i don't take them since 2 or 3 days ago... where is my mind? I have to establish a schedule and follow it... otherwise how am i going to learn to stick to the ARV treatment when the time comes?... JuanCa, JuanCa, JuanCa... you have to focus. Anyways the pills my sister bought me (loratadina) are gone by now, i also got rid of vitamin c long time ago, right now i only have some multivitamin pills and flukonazol.... mmmmm... let me see....August 5th... mmmmm... will have my appointment with the ID Dr in 9 days... to see "if" this time i have any answer about the Hepatitis C test, and to get to know my CD4, mmm hope it goes up.. i will talk to her about this CMV/Toxoplasmosis thing (mostly she will not know what i am talking about but i have to "convince" her to prescribe me tests)... i hope the bitch does not ask me same question she asked me when i said i wanted to get tested for HCV "Why do you want that test?"... because i want to stay alive bitch!!. On Monday i have to go paying to the other bank... perhaps in the way back to work i might pass by Social Security Hospital to see "if" they have my prescriptions. I have to check to if my prescriptions are not out of date by now.... and pray to God there is a miracle and they can supply at least one of them.

Gotta go sleeping, it is very late and tomorrow i have to work whole day (10am - 9pm). Good night to my friends.

Labels: New life, same illness