Nomad JuanCa's Report

Guess what?... a poz forums user with the nick "matty.the.damned" (suggestive nick, huh?) visited this blog and went to the poz forum and wrote a public complain for what i wrote yesterday about CMV and the stories that impacted me. Same like i said before, i never write thinking in hurting anyone... but i guess some people like to exaggerate and go public with small things. I got worried not for what he wrote, but because of the fact i could have hurt someone... if you know me, as i know some of you do... you know i try to never hurt someone... not even my worst enemies (if i have any...). So i got worried about it.

I was lucky enough that my boss called me early morning to ask me if i wanted to change my working schedule today, so instead of working at night i could work in the morning and i accepted. Spent the whole day working with my mind full of many things and not having even time to worry about this guy and his scandals. Still with it, i though i should say something... but as i know international communication is not an easy thing i talked to some friends in different parts of the world to ask their advice: My sister, Sandra from Mexico and Kaire from Estonia. They all agreed i hadn't done anything bad since my post was not about the private live of other people, but about how scared i was knowing i have to face CMV (imagine this.. i have to face/get educated on CMV and still deal with scandals from others... you see, life is never easy!!).

I wrote to someone i know in Poz Magazine and then i posted a reply on poz forums explaining the whole thing, i just wanted to make sure people would not buy the wrong idea was sold to them... here is what i wrote.

Hi Matty, thanks for writing... i guess it would have been better if you didn't exaggerate saying i reproduced "the whole thread". Well up to you. Today morning after reading what you wrote, i wrote to someone from Poz Magazine explaining the whole thing. I talked to my sister and a friend and they told me it would be good to also post my comments in here.

So here is partially what i wrote.
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Hi... i think i did a big mistake and started a big trouble....

You will kill me .

Yesterday night, i read a post in poz forums from a guy who is facing deaf after hiv... i wasn't sure if it was hiv related (never heard about it)... i pm some old members of forums to ask them if this was possible, i was not aware of such risk but when i had finished pm them... they were offline already.

I was frankly nervous and shocked... i even didn't post a comment to that thread cause i didn't know what to say and i didn't want to say "sorry... is this you are facing due to living with hiv??". As i was very nervous, i decided to write about it in my blog... NOT about the thread of this person, but about the fear i felt and how surprised i am of knowing this is possible. I did reproduced the original post of this person and two comments that got me equally impressed and a pm reply i received from a forums member about this. I would like to ask you to read what i wrote http://juanca.nomadlife.org

I did though about it before posting, i mean if it was right to post the original post and the 2 comments (not sure if posting a pm i received could be wrong). I though that since i didn't give the url to the thread (though mentioned it was from poz forums) and since i didn't put the identities of this people in risk (since there could be millions alain, queen
akasha, christine in the world, plus in the forums they don't use their real name so in fact they are impossible to locate) and since the post was NOT about them but about how i felt when i read what they wrote... i though it would not be bad.

Today morning i got a comment from the user matty.the.damned saying it was moot from my side to post those comments and he posted a comment mentioning my blog in the original thread this guy started.

Then i came to realise i perhaps did it wrong, perhaps i should have only post the url link to the forum so my friends could read what i was talking about. My personal blog (the one i have since over a year ago and way long before diagnosed) is read by my friends only, i don't promote it anywhere cause it is a personal diary for me where i write about my feelings and what makes me fear, i did disclosed my status there long time ago and i have found some of my friends who read it have understood the way i face the diagnosis and got to see hiv from a different point of view. The reason i write it in english is because i have friends from ukrain, russia, estonia, ecuador, usa, and other places who randomly check my blog and post comments. I have also wrote in my blog several personal experiences and telling others how i felt to try in some way to break the stigma they might have towards diagnosed people. Still with it, my blog does not receive many visits i think 20 per day (since it is intended only for my friends so i don't promote it).

Well, the thing is that right now... i am feeling bad. I never meant to hurt anyone nor to "put things for other consumption" like matty.the.damned says.... i was writing about something i just discovered yesterday night and i didn't know before and that got me extremely scared.... i wrote to queen akasha, aztecan, basquo asking them about this....i mean if it was possible to be deaf due to hiv. An Ecuadorian friend was the one who confirmed it to me... and i was terrified. To write my blog is a way of venting for me, i could not vent this in the forums since in other times i have heard others hating "sky falling"attitude, which was a bit of what i felt last night...i still have a lot to learn about this disease. The other reason behind my post was to tell my friends who are not poz, that they should be more considerated with people who are deaf, cause i understand it could be my case in some years...

You know i could have only post the url address and it would perhaps have been better, anyways whoever who is not member of the forum only a guest could read the thread and understand what i was talking about. I just though that if i would have done it, people could have seen for instance queen akasha's pic, and i didn't want to put them in exposition. So i wrote about something i read and touched me... once again i didn't write ABOUT THEM, but ABOUT HOW I FELT DISCOVERING I COULD BE DEAF, BLIND after some time.

In my same blog i have copied posts from Regan and Lisa for example but i have provided a link for their blogs because i think it would not be a problem if others find them and their blogs, also it was a way to promote them. I didn't do that this time cause it was not my intention to promote anything, i was only coping something i read somewhere on internet and got me impressed... if you read the post it would be easier to understand.

Yeah, well perhaps i did it wrong but i didn't find it wrong nor risky for anyone when i wrote since i didn't provide a way to locate them, and it was not about anyone, but about an opportunistic infection and how it could affect me after some time.

well... i feel very bad now, i hope others will understand i didn't mean to hurt anyone.

Sad JuanCa
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Apart from this i have to say three things...

1. This post didn't put people's identity/anonimity in risk, the post was not about cowan or queen or christine... the post was about cmv and how afraid i am of becoming a blind/deaf person. I understand now some of the above mentioned might feel angry... so i offer my deep excuses TO THEM as it was not my intention to hurt/offend them.

2. Matty's comment is over promoting a blog that is not very popular on internet, cause it was meant to be only for my friends. Anyone who read it won't be able to locate anyone in here but might understand and see cmv and aids from a different perspective. Once more.. the post was not about the lives of specific people... the post was about WHAT I DISCOVERED ABOUT CMV ON INTERNET and GOT ME SCARED. I could have done same post even without being member of the forums but only guest in here... in fact, the forums have more "guests" in here on daily basis than my blog....cause mine is for personal purposes.

If as a result of this, you want to ban me from the forums or even delete my blog ....feel free to do it... You know, i have enough troubles in my life learning to live with hiv, dealing with negligence of my ID Dr and my debts to add one more caused by the exaggerations of matty.the.damned... although i just hope you understand things are not like matty.the.damned showed them. In any case if you are up to deleting/banning me in some way... just be kind of letting me know by email. I gave all my contact info published so if anyone feels like emailing, insulting, complaining... be my guest. Have no troubles with it, i am an addult therefore responsible for my actions and its consequences. I don't hide.

have a good day.

aha... sounds like a big soup opera huh? like "Los Reyes" or "Hasta que la plata nos separe" (Columbian soup operas), but yes it happened. I actually don't know why this "matty.the.damned" came to see my blog being that he is NOT my friend and i don't talk to him since couple of months ago when we had a disagreement and i realised i didn't want to keep communicating with him anymore in order to avoid scandals... i mean instead of dealing with a virtual scandal i prefer to deal with the several real ones i have to solve everyday. Yeah well, internet is free it is something i have to respect.

A strange thing was that while i was worried about some people's lives being hurt or offended... some other people started to talk to me about copyrights of content and so on... i mean... what is more important? people feeling hurt or copyrights?. Ok, yeah i am latin... i focus more on people... that's another difference between latins and people from other countries. You see, cultural understanding is always needed... Well, as Latin America is not very strict with copyright stuff and internet nor aware of the laws applying in other countries i wasn't really sure what they were talking about... i mean... i can still download any mp3 song i want for free and without any trouble!!! (God bless Latin America!!!). So i posted the above mentioned message (and i hope none will complain now cause i am posting here my own words... now copyrighted by the way ;)). and then answered few questions. By the way, i found some people are still surprised of my English skills :) not so bad huh?.

Then found something else to worry about, something more important and REAL. My older niece (9 years old) was hurt by an scorpion... damn... you see, i was trying to fix a virtual situation... when my REAL nice was hurt by a scorpion... God damn!!! where is my mind??!!! (copyrighted by James Blunt). She was waking up in the early morning and while she was leaving bed the scorpion hurt her... she screamed and luckily my mother was there and could call my sister and brother-in-law and they called the ambulance... damn... when i got the news i almost die... she is ... she is like my daughter... she is so young... i mean you never ever imagine someone so young could be in life danger... i would have expected to face troubles being hiv+ but not a lil girl like she is... :((((( damn..... Now you see, life is not sure for any of us, despite being hiv or not.

LUCKILY... my older niece got the health care she needed (in some way, cause paramedics were not sure if the scorpion's poison could kill her or not... even though my mother captured the scorpion and kept it for the paramedics to see it). Paramedics said some scorpions could kill people... (but i guess they didn't know which type cause they said "we have to wait and see".... wait and see??? fucking bastards!!!). My niece got some injections and then fallen slept, she woke up in the afternoon and is feeling better now... damn... i love her. I talked to her over the phone... she is ok now, few pain in the foot but not really much. My youngest niece (2 years old) was present and was terrified of the scorpion.... now when you call she can tell you the whole story in her own words "uncle uncle andrea scorpion pum pum yay yay!!!!". Damn i felt impotent when i heard the news i wish i could have known before i could have done something... ok ... lets thank God she is ok and healthy. Thank you God.... she means a lot for me.

I think i have a lesson out of this day... sometimes for caring about virtual stuff or virtual life however you call it, we forget about what really matters... REAL LIFE and the people that makes our REAL LIFE important and meaningful, like my family. For me it is a pity that a personal blog like this one, was used to create a scandal.... increasing its exposition without any need or sense... yesterday at night there were 3828 visits in this blog, today by the time i am writing this there have been 3871 visits, it means the vistis of today have been over twice more than normal days..... That's too much if you let me say... taking into account i am not interested in promoting this site. The good thing is that i assume all of those who came and read, found out the blog didn't inted to hurt anyone... i though i would get houndred emails with insults since i am easily reachable from poz forums but no, none wrote me with insults. Thanks God too. Sometimes things in life happen that way, one is not looking for promotion/attention but it arrives without being requested. I haven't been login nor participating much in the forums lately and today I decided I will take some vacations from it, will visit it once per week or so... i guess if i start having troubles with "virtual life" it just means i haven't been doing things with my REAL one which is the one that really matters. Like Dragonette said "lets experience and enjoy what you experience".

Labels: New life, same illness