Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi, not sure if i ever named a post like this before... for some reason i think i did. Anyways, today was not the brightest day of my life.

There have been several things going on in my life... specially in my personal side. Well... if you let me vent... i am tired of feeling alone and isolated. Months ago... i was feeling like that cause i slowly decided thats how i wanted things to be... but it is not the case right now, i mean i want to go out and meet people... want to have personal relationships with others... and yes... that includes sex, but it is difficult.

It is difficult cause i can't trust people around me and tell them i am hiv+. And if i do... they automatically get afraid. Like if i were a phantom... or like if i were Satan's son. And it is funny... as soon as i tell anyone i am poz, they completely lost their sexual interest in me. And you know what... I AM SICK OF IT.

Although things are not solved so easy, slowly i have simply accepted i chose the wrong place in the world to be diagnosed hiv+. There is none to talk over here.... none to ever consider for a relationship, people keep on showing interest on me... but if i ever tell them my status... they simply disappear. So i decided to stop telling... which will be easy for many of you, and you may think with that everything is solved... but no, how can you ever start a relationship with someone who does not know your health condition? what if the person discover it later on?. What to do with all the people who keep on asking me to have unprotected sex with them (without knowing my status)? How to make them understand i DON'T WANT TO? how to force them to accept it?.

It is a hard situation, specially when personal security is on risk. In Latin America if someone discovers you are hiv positive... they can talk bullshit about you, other will talk bullshit about you and if they suspect you ever did something they consider risky for them.... your life could be in risk.. or if not your life at least your personal security. I have heard so many times since diagnosed "hey... be careful of that person... i heard she/he is poz". I hate this type of gossips.

So i am like in the middle of nowhere... i can't relate to hiv- people cause they won't understand me... and i can't relate with hiv+ people... because i don't know where to find them... and second cause even if i find them... they won't understand me either. I have said before the usual profile of hiv+ people in latin america es quite basic, i have tried to talk to some of them couple of times... and no... i feel they don't understand what i say.

And more than that... there are these troubles with costumes... there are costumes we all have.. that somehow placed me here. There was a sort of lack of control in some areas of my life... and off course, sexual one was into that list. Once diagnosed... you ... better say everybody, expect you somehow fix it... change from being anormal person to a saint.... because if you do something wrong the first thing the say is "you see... he is a promiscuous.. that's why he's got hiv". Although if someone else does have lot of sex, but is not hiv+ they will simply call this person "open minded". Well.. today i had another proof that changing behaviours is hard thing to do... something not easy to achieve... and found myself repeating some mistakes from past... and feeling so stupid... and so guilty for so many things in my life.

Couple of weeks ago, a part of the Bible came to my mind... there is this part in new testament, when Jesus heals others or pardon others... when he finishes, he several times said "go and don't sin again" (Vet y no peques más). I just though this expression would simply a non connected piece of info or memory coming to my mind... but it is not that way, today... after everything happened... i learnt how hard is not fall again, and how hard is not to repeat the usual mistakes we do. Then the phrase came to my mind again.... and understood that Jesus knew how hard could it be... and how important too.... so he pardoned everybody... but remarked... "be careful and don't do it again". Yet, he knew it was hard thing to do... it is not something you can accomplish all at once, but something that takes not only a decision.. but a serious deep change in life and that is never easy.

I am starting to get tired of feeling guilty for my mistakes when none else feels that way for theirs... i feel stupid for risky my life in some situations when others are risking it even more without any contemplation. Still with it i will try to follow the advice... "go and don't sin again"

Labels: Personal

This is a game to test you and TEACH you that you cannot tell who is Hiv+ or not just by looking at people's face. This try to break a bit of stigma that some people have towards others... and make us realise anyone can be or become Hiv+ if we don't play safe.... even you.

Hope you like it.

You can find more info at www.posornot.com check it out and promote the game please, you will be helping lot of people not to be stigmatized!

Haven't wrote in several months.... and have been through a lot during all these months...

All the good and all the bad things.... moved to a two different jobs... resigned twice from them... have been unemployed twice... have been ill... have been healthy... have been extremely sad and with the worst depression in my life... enough to even think of suicide (who hasn't done it at least once... come on, don't put that face). I have been through a long spiritual research and have found some light at the end of the tunnel.

Just wanted to write to say hi to everybody :) to say i am fine, alive and kicking. And to say that i finally found some inner peace with Juan, inner peace with myself. I know peace is fragile and does not last forever... so i am simply trying to enjoy this moment the most i can.

Today i woke up and said: "its a wonderful world" :) poka.

Labels: Personal

Hi everybody, i am back online. I have actually been online lately but i haven't have the chance to post in both my English and Spanish blog... internet connection is still a challenge here, plus there have been lot of things going on.

I am doing better as long as my health goes... though i am under lot of pressure at work, i think they are trying to fire me and another co worker. Why? Many people from this store have resigned their contracts due to the low payments this company give and they have started to work with another competitor. Now the owner of the company thinks a co worker and me are somehow forwarding clients to the competitor. So right now this is like an spy movie... where i am in the middle. Yes, we are trying to do some sales with the competitor... cause he pays higher comissions and this company where i work right now pay NO comissions at all. Isn't it too difficult to decide, though we are not forwarding clients anywhere. If a client comes here and wants to buy... we do close the contract, though we know we are not going to receive any benefit from it.

I have never been so good in diplomatic stuff, i was more straigth forward type of guy. I have actually been looking for another job but nothing has happened, the problem is that the closest we are to christmas, the most difficult to find a new job is. So i am somehow like a double agent... better say a triple agent. I am in favour of my store (despite they do no good for us... just make our life more and more difficult), I try to do some sales with the other distributor (otherwise i would have not had money to eat this week), and i am also trying to do some work to fight aids :). What a life huh?.

I am making time, by January 2008 i will quit this job. I just hope i won't have troubles to find a new one. I can't stand my boss... he is just a pain in the ass. Complain for every little stupid thing that happens around. I have been so near to scream at him... i actually did it once... but somehow recovered my calm. How i wish life would be easier.... specially the survival part... but i guess it is not called survival for nothing.

I have been very tired these days... and stressed.... lot of psychological pressure, needing to watch my back and trying to play this game without getting burned.... when i would just want to live my life... i just would like to survive. ... never know i would have to play pscychological games to get some money to buy food.... amazing.... and tiring.

I hope things get better next year... if that is possible, ok ok... gotta be optimistic, it will improve.

The current situation at job is making me really really really desire the end of this year to come soon.... i am getting frankly desperated about it, FRANKLY DESPERATED, no exageration. Another reason why i want this year to end is because this has certainly be the worst year in my life so far. I fear things could get worst in future... i mean... i got diagnosed Poz, i am living in misery, i have troubles at work and not being well-paid, not to mention my debts.... yes, you will agree with me i have thousand good reasons why to wish this year to finish.

The sad part of this all is that even when this year finish... there are some things that will never feel the same. It is like if a truck would have passed over my life... and after it i am miraculously alive.... but not as healthy as before. I could survive but at the end i am paying a price for keep on living.

Well... they say good things are usually expensive, and i have been through a lot to stay here.... hope it worth the price i have and will pay. Gotta make it worth it.

Take care guys, i am at work and feel a bit tired of looking at the computer. By the way... a good thing, i could post a list of some of my favourite songs on the nagivation menu :) hope you like them.

Hi people, long time without writing huh?. Lot of things have been going on in my life lately... specially regarding my health. Last time i wrote to you i told you i was feeling sick.... well... it lasted more than i would have expected.

I had to go through lot of things, from going to ER (Emergency Room) at Social Security Hospital... getting exams done, being referred to a gatroenterologist... more labs done and even having to see how the laboratory from Social Security Hospital mistaken my exams... delivering me a rheumatism test instead of a Widall reaction.... and then meeting the gastroenterologist for hearing he thinks that me having diarrhoea and vomiting and shitting color green was not urgent stuff and wanting me to wait until October 11th to meet me. Like if my health could wait so long.

Well... whatever, luckily things are better now, they finally found i have amoebas (Histolytic and Coli). It does not seem to be a big thing, just for the fact that amoeba histolytic does kill over 100.000 people around the world yearly. Although off course, that is in places where people cannot get proper health care.... like here?. Oh well... at least i met my ID Dr and she already gave me prescription for a 10 days treatment to get rid of them. I am optimistic about this.

Plus i was once more advised i have to be carefull with my food, so since now and on... no more eating outside (or at least not as much as before) and well i guess i sort of learnt the lesson. I mean it is going to be hard not to eat outside since i live alone and i have no fridge and no electricity at home soooooo... we'll see.

Apart from that little but scary health problem i guess my life have been ok, lately i have made a big amount of latin poz friends over internet, which has been great and at the same time frustrating. Everybody says it is great i can deal with this so well and that i am very openned about this and that i can face and try to change the way society here looks at poz patients... but none is interested in doing the same. Which is actually frustrating. I am a bit tired of talking to some people who are poz but avoid to talk about the issue, avoid meeting others who are not poz and even... avoid meeting other poz patients. I guess i went trhough same isolating process... but i just don't want to go back there. I want to live free... free of fear and free of stigma. I want to live.

I am trying to meet like minded people in here... but i haven't met any. Isn't it amazing?. So when i was hidden i felt myself isolated and now that i am out into the light about my health status... i feel myself isolated too. What the fuck!.

Lately i have decided to slow a bit my activism activities and focus more on myself, this issue with my health that i had to face alone (just with the help of my family) made me reflect that i have to think about future. I hadn't done much for my future and i have to if i want to ensure i will not face problems later on. It called the attention of my boss when i was sick this week, i hope he is not suspecting though he was asking what Drs said after every appointment i had.

I have came out with some ideas, i had started to create a website where i want to start doing some sales a bit apart from what i do in my job, i had some announcements in mercadolibre.com.ec (similar to ebay) but now they are charging some comission... so it is increasing the price of the items i used to sell that way. With this website i am hoping to start making money my way and slowly finding some stable income until i finally can ensure myself some stability without depending on somoene else.

I had also applied for another position inside the company's headquarters, i would say i fit the profile... but perhaps they disagree with me... i'll see. They haven't told me anything after i delivered my application. Lets see. Today i came to the Mall del Sol with my laptop (it finally works out again... i am so amazed it is still alive... perhaps the laptop is a fighter just like me LOL).

About my debts i am up-to-date with the banks i had signed payment agreements and it seems i got to keep and "save" my visa credit card and my current bank account, although i am still having problems with 3 other places where i haven't paid anything.... nor signed any agreement, i am still missing 50 usd of this laptop and i was told that someone from this company went yesterday to "visit me" at work. There were some periods without stress lately but i guess it is coming back. I wish i could solve it all. Pity i can't pay all that shit at this time, with the current amount i am paying i have only 30 usd for myself monthly. Don't even ask me how i can survive... God is just too good with me.

Anyways, i am sort of fine right now... just feel i bit weak, don't know why... perhaps the effect of the metronidazol i am taking for the amoebas. I had eaten already but feel my stomache emtpy, and few desires of vomitting. Well, lets see what is going on in the next days, i will try to keep you posted on how the things go. I am so waiting for this year to finish.... it has not been anything good for me.... i am a bit scared next one could be even harder... but i hope not, come on... how bad can it be? hasn't it been enough already?. I expect 2008 will be a lot better. I am just counting the days for this year to finish. I won't need to wait much.