Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi, not sure if i ever named a post like this before... for some reason i think i did. Anyways, today was not the brightest day of my life.

There have been several things going on in my life... specially in my personal side. Well... if you let me vent... i am tired of feeling alone and isolated. Months ago... i was feeling like that cause i slowly decided thats how i wanted things to be... but it is not the case right now, i mean i want to go out and meet people... want to have personal relationships with others... and yes... that includes sex, but it is difficult.

It is difficult cause i can't trust people around me and tell them i am hiv+. And if i do... they automatically get afraid. Like if i were a phantom... or like if i were Satan's son. And it is funny... as soon as i tell anyone i am poz, they completely lost their sexual interest in me. And you know what... I AM SICK OF IT.

Although things are not solved so easy, slowly i have simply accepted i chose the wrong place in the world to be diagnosed hiv+. There is none to talk over here.... none to ever consider for a relationship, people keep on showing interest on me... but if i ever tell them my status... they simply disappear. So i decided to stop telling... which will be easy for many of you, and you may think with that everything is solved... but no, how can you ever start a relationship with someone who does not know your health condition? what if the person discover it later on?. What to do with all the people who keep on asking me to have unprotected sex with them (without knowing my status)? How to make them understand i DON'T WANT TO? how to force them to accept it?.

It is a hard situation, specially when personal security is on risk. In Latin America if someone discovers you are hiv positive... they can talk bullshit about you, other will talk bullshit about you and if they suspect you ever did something they consider risky for them.... your life could be in risk.. or if not your life at least your personal security. I have heard so many times since diagnosed "hey... be careful of that person... i heard she/he is poz". I hate this type of gossips.

So i am like in the middle of nowhere... i can't relate to hiv- people cause they won't understand me... and i can't relate with hiv+ people... because i don't know where to find them... and second cause even if i find them... they won't understand me either. I have said before the usual profile of hiv+ people in latin america es quite basic, i have tried to talk to some of them couple of times... and no... i feel they don't understand what i say.

And more than that... there are these troubles with costumes... there are costumes we all have.. that somehow placed me here. There was a sort of lack of control in some areas of my life... and off course, sexual one was into that list. Once diagnosed... you ... better say everybody, expect you somehow fix it... change from being anormal person to a saint.... because if you do something wrong the first thing the say is "you see... he is a promiscuous.. that's why he's got hiv". Although if someone else does have lot of sex, but is not hiv+ they will simply call this person "open minded". Well.. today i had another proof that changing behaviours is hard thing to do... something not easy to achieve... and found myself repeating some mistakes from past... and feeling so stupid... and so guilty for so many things in my life.

Couple of weeks ago, a part of the Bible came to my mind... there is this part in new testament, when Jesus heals others or pardon others... when he finishes, he several times said "go and don't sin again" (Vet y no peques más). I just though this expression would simply a non connected piece of info or memory coming to my mind... but it is not that way, today... after everything happened... i learnt how hard is not fall again, and how hard is not to repeat the usual mistakes we do. Then the phrase came to my mind again.... and understood that Jesus knew how hard could it be... and how important too.... so he pardoned everybody... but remarked... "be careful and don't do it again". Yet, he knew it was hard thing to do... it is not something you can accomplish all at once, but something that takes not only a decision.. but a serious deep change in life and that is never easy.

I am starting to get tired of feeling guilty for my mistakes when none else feels that way for theirs... i feel stupid for risky my life in some situations when others are risking it even more without any contemplation. Still with it i will try to follow the advice... "go and don't sin again"

Labels: Personal

Haven't wrote in several months.... and have been through a lot during all these months...

All the good and all the bad things.... moved to a two different jobs... resigned twice from them... have been unemployed twice... have been ill... have been healthy... have been extremely sad and with the worst depression in my life... enough to even think of suicide (who hasn't done it at least once... come on, don't put that face). I have been through a long spiritual research and have found some light at the end of the tunnel.

Just wanted to write to say hi to everybody :) to say i am fine, alive and kicking. And to say that i finally found some inner peace with Juan, inner peace with myself. I know peace is fragile and does not last forever... so i am simply trying to enjoy this moment the most i can.

Today i woke up and said: "its a wonderful world" :) poka.

Labels: Personal

My friend Fatih from Turkey did this for me, isn't it cool?? He is a great guy

Labels: New life, Personal

hey there!!! Long time no writing huh?. I have been without connection trying to safe some money and not keep on over spending. Anyways there are lot of things i would like to tell you.... time for venting i guess.

Ok,... so... where do i begin?. My laptop was fixed and i borrowed it to Javico. Still if we are not so close as before the truth is that i trust that guy... so i had no problem in lending it to him. He just had his exams... his viral load is undetectable yet (which is the best possible condition once you are diagnosed Aids). He didn't know his CD4 result but i am sure he is going to do fine... he is just freaking out too much about it. I understand this whole thing pulls his nerves and i wish i could help him more...it was the same for me... you all know it, i told him "Javico.. don't worry too much, let things flow... let it go...." but i am not sure if he understood me.

Yesterday i went with my mother to her training about Hiv. Not sure if i told you, she just finished first level of a training about Hiv and living with it, organised by meds without borders. She will receive a diploma like Health Promoter. She asked me to go with her since i was free and i accepted... it was nice but not all i expected.

I arrived there and well... they had to start the session about Hiv while there were employees taking a computer course around us. Before they started i took a computer and i was checking my email when someone asked me if i would take long because he was using the pc, i turned around... and it was a neighbour. Shit... such small world. Off course, he knew my mother and me were attending a Hiv training, hope he is not gossipping... even though knowing the people in this neighbourhood... by this moment everybody knows and they might be wondering what was i doing there??? "perhaps he is infected..." they would say. losers, i could have been there only to learn... but no... if i go to a Hiv training then "he may have hiv". I hate this paranoid way of thinking.

I got shocked.. to this training there are only women attending... i was the only man. 90% of them are over 40 years old and one or two are in their 30's. None knows if any of them is infected or relative of an infected one... they don't even know the trainer is a Poz person... they don't disclose. How are they expecting others to accept us if they are the first ones ashamed of their condition????. Got a bit angry.... By other hand, the trainer did some good in not disclosing.. he is gay and a bit feminine. I mean i am ok with gay people, what i would not like is that students would think "ah he is gay... for sure he has it" or "he has aids because he is gay... that's why!!". Although this could have been explained to them to eliminate the wrong idea from their mind... He should have disclosed.

The training was about "sensibilisation". It was a sensibility training.. one of those i have delivered but i have never received. That's nice. Why none trains me???? Ok i know i am not part of any foundation.. but shouldn't it be something like that for newbies??? at least in my Hospital??? there is an organisation at my hospital called "spring"... referring to a Christian bliblical term (don't know why they have to use biblical references to this kind of groups.... i mean i am Christian and i love Jesus as it is clear for all of you... but being part of a group with such a name... makes me feel closer to heaven when i what i want is to remain on earth!!!).

Well.. the sensibilisation started ok. He did an activity where we wrote down the names of people we loved and then he took one of those and asked us "what do you feel now that this person is infected?" In my case he took the name of my sister. That was painful. I cannot imagine it... i mean... the pain i would suffer if someone else from my family would get infected. I mean I will be there for them since i know how it feels.. but just the simply idea that someone else's in my family or in my group of friends gets infected... makes me feel so bad and useless. I though "mmm perhaps this training will be good". And then it all started to go wrong...

I don't remember clearly why but we reached the point where someone asked the trainer why hiv + people feel the need of infecting others??? I though "OMG!! and i started to feel the blood coming over to my head... a bit of anger..." I though he would reply appropriately and instead of he said "Hiv+ keep on infecting others deliberately because we all human being have a bit of evil inside". And i though "WHATTTTT??? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SAYING FUCKING DONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I hadn't disclose... being that none had done it... and that my mother might feel bad if i did... i didnt do it... and ok, i got afraid. You see... i have disclosed several times.. but when one of us is ashamed/afraid to do it in front of others... it makes us feel ashamed and afraid too... thats not a good example. Whatever, i assumed this donkey (sorry... trainer) had mistaken his words.. so i asked him in order to give him a chance to fix up his disaster "ok but you say poz people do infect others deliberately... i wonder how often is that happening... because it is not true that all of them do it... i know some friends who are poz and they worry about not infecting others" - I asked.

He replied "That's right, not all of Hiv+ go around infecting others deliberately... but lets say... from every 10 patients 2 of them usually do it. Two of them goes around infecting others deliberately".

WHHHHATTT SHIIIITTTT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY???????????????????????????? - I though. He is a donkey... ok, i feel he is a bastard. He cannot go around and say such a crap about us... come on looser you are poz too!!!!!!!!! (i know he was poz cause Myriam from network of poz women had talked to me about this guy before but i hadn't meet him). Off course, people got afraid... and terrified and scared... and i was pissed off!!!!!. The beat didn't realise he was building more stigma around us ... and was not being any help. He changed topic.

The training is a bit frustrating... most of the people are not well educated... some of them were not even sure of what was the topic of the session of yesterday. Some of them couldn't even pronounce "confidentiality" and kept on saying "confidenciability". I felt frustrated. But the shit continued.

Someone asked him about life expectancy of Hiv patients. I rosed my hand saying i wanted to answer that cause i had read a report saying that our life expectancy has increased reaching now 39 years for non co-infected patients and 33 for co-infected ones. As soon as i finished he told me in front of everybody... Well, you might have read that somewhere.. but the truth is that "there is no life expectancy when you speak about hiv".

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????????????????????????????????

I am not exaggerating... i was that angry. How come the beast, donkey, asshole, bastard can say such stupid things in front of others... hello looser you have to deliver FAITH, HOPE, BREAK THE STIGMA, FACILITALE ACCEPTANCE of poz patients. No increase the fear, sadness and stigma around us. He is a bastard. I complained and i told him that was not possible, i had this research made in OXFORD!!!. And he eliminate the credibility of everything i said by saying "i have 14 years working on hiv and we have checked up lot of researches... none of them makes sense". STUPID!!. Now you understand how it feels to live in a country like this one... where stupidity has a high voice and is accepted by others without complains. Still with it, i told him... "I DISAGREE WITH YOU". He said, "you can disagree and we can keep on discussing this at the end of the session but i won't accept your point anyways... really... you know people can die tomorrow of a car truck, or any other accident... none has life for sure". And i understood that there is a gap... between the brain of this guy, his heart and his mouth. He might have a good idea but he does not phrase it well... and his feels no guilty for the stupid things he is saying and the damage he is infringing on us. Off course i know we all can die tomorrow... but thats why it is called life EXPECTANCY it refers to the possibilities of living longer of people, in average... not as a rule. I was so disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated... he knew it. He saw my face and you all know my face is quite evident. By this time he knew i was Hiv poz, no normal person on earth knows so much about Hiv like we patients do.

Well... the rest of the training was a bit better... he said some smart things and some scientific facts about other stuff... but the damage was done... now 13 more people thing we go around infecting others and that we are about to die soon. Sometimes i hate this world. Ok, perhaps not this world but the lack of conscience and intelligence of some people not measuring the damage their words can make to others. At the end of the session i asked him his email and told him i would send him some info... the research about the life expectancy and also wrote to him telling him i was poz and i wanted to talk to him to give him some feedback about his sessions. I guess i have to talk to him about being more careful with his words.... hopes he understands it.

My brother in law flew to Canada yesterday night for a month to finish his master degree.

Today i went to help to the network of positive women and to be sincere... i wasn't that happy. I feel a bit used. Why? because they are using me... Perhaps it is not bad but you know... for you all Aiesecers, you all know that when you are going to deliver a training we all do our own ppts... not with them... they don't know how to handle a computer, not to mention about ppts... one of them asked me to help her with her ppt presentation about the profile of a counsellor and when i said to her, ok lets do it.. she said "yeah but you know.. i have to go somewhere else to do something, could you do it for me?? thank you". I did it... although i didn't feel comfortable with it. I also had to add special effects to another presentation one of the leaders had already done... and... i had to serve them as a quick translator of some of their English emails. Which was a bit embarrassing because i realised i cannot translate easily. Isn't it silly? I can write all this in English but i cannot read it on real time in Spanish. My mind is divided.. part of it speak English and port of it speak Spanish... my bran cannot speak both at the same time and cannot see English characters and read them loud in Spanish. I am an English speaker... not a translator. Well.... this last part will only be understood by those speaking more than one language or having lived in multicultural environments. I tried to deliver all my help but i just don't like to do others work... i mean they should do it by themselves. i went there to help with extra things not with doing all the work they don't do. At the end i also understood they are not good in computers.. ok ok ok. They asked me to prepare a training for them where i could later on show them how to use computer. i will do that very soon.

Good news... as some of you may already know... MY TEAM FROM RUSSIA WROTE TO MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God!!!!!! that made me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. We are all in contact again, we are missing just one Dasha, Tanya, Masha and Sergej's emails but all of others are already in contact, they sent me this pics. Go Check them!!!!

First pic is Mitya and Stella. Second pic was my dearest boss... Masha, which words have inspired me for many many years. Third pic is Olya and Dasha (left) and Mitya and Stella (right).

They all mean a lot for me, talking to them makes me feel like back home... back to mother Russia, i am glad they found me again. We are in touch and i hope we won't lose the contact anymore. Monika from India (but currently living in London) also wrote to us back. It is great to be together with them. I just wrote to them with a brief update about my life and.... disclosed my status to them. I trust them... and i made sure in telling them, they should not fear about my health... i am ok. Those guys mean a lot to me.

Well tomorrow i will be the whole day in an exposition way out of the city in a very very exclusive neighbourhood... for some reason i am not much happy. The previous person from my company who was there ended up quite angry.... God knows why.... well... lets see.. hope it all works out fine for me. You see... there was lot to tell. Now it is time to go sleeping have a good night all.

Labels: Personal

Artist: Muse /Song: Feeling good /Country: UK

My older niece Andrea (10 years old) had surgery today, to solve a hernia that was bothering her. I know it is not such a complex thing... but i was very worried and scared.... damn...... She is a great girl, but hyperactive!!! (same like me). Well, the good part of this all is that the surgery happened today morning and right now 10.20am my sister called me saying she is already out of risk and right now in post surgery room.

Glad she is ok. Mom and I are waiting her back home soon!!

Labels: Personal

Artist: Dschinghis Khan /Song: Moskau /Country: Germany

I had to blog again. Guess what? i turned on tv... and was zapping without much interest .... a movie, scientific data, a concert, other movie... hold on!!! that concert had something written in cyrilic on stage??? in Ecuadorian local channel???????????????? That does not happen.

Although i was right, in Mundo Canal they were broadcasting the Легенды Ретро-FM 2005, off course, you would say... what? Well Легенды Ретро-FM = Retro Legends FM concert (i translated without any help... i haven't forgotten my few Russian!!! Kruto!!!!Kanyeshna!!). I had actually never heard about this concert so i was curious... there were lot of singers performing... off course i didn't know most of them... suddenly.... Oh My God... i saw a camell on stage.... and some people dressed in ancient clothes....

Dschinghis Khan!!!!

Again you would say... who? Dschinghis Khan (pronounced "Jingis" Khan ) is an old pop group, originally from Germany, created on 1979 to compete on Eurovision song contest. Appearing at the height of the disco boom and following on the heels of other German-produced bands such as Boney M, Arabesque, and Silver Convention, the band achieved wide popularity throughout the world, especially in Europe, Russia, Australia and Japan, though they went wholly unnoticed in the United States. Their songs invariably were themed on historical figures and exotic cultures and locales. Dschinghis Khan are also known as "the mongols who amazed Europe in Eurovision". Here there is a link with the story of the group (Spanish)

The band, now assisted by young singer/dancer group "The Legacy of Dschinghis Khan", has a tour scheduled for Winter 2006 - Fall 2007. In the tour, their show will consist of "Cirque du Dschinghis Khan", featuring other performers, including Mongolian circus acts. Their announced dates are listed on the official website of the group and are subject to change. Their planned German national tour dates in January 2007 will coincide with the release of their latest CD called "7 Leben" (7 Lives). It will be their first release since 2004's Best Of compilation "Jubilee".

Dschinghis Khan is the German spelling of Genghis Khan, the name of the historical figure who founded the Mongol Empire.

As some of you know my likes regarding music are wide, but believe me, I have to tell you this... you have to see them on stage.... that's power!!!. I actually found some videos from the original group and the current one, i hope you enjoy them. The performance skills and the power the give to their songs..... left me astonished.

Dschinghis Khan performance of "Dschingis Khan" at Eurovision 1979

Dschinghis Khan performance of "Dschingis Khan" at Легенды Ретро-FM 2005

Yeap, with the years they sound and perform even better.

Dschinghis Khan performance of Moskau (English version the original one is in German) (i wanted to learn how this guy in red danced but i could not, even though... i know few steps now :)

"Moscow, Moscow, drinking Vodka all night long,
Keeps you happy, makes you strong, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, hey!"

Dschinghis Khan performance of Moskau at Легенды Ретро-FM concert 2005. AWESOME PERFORMANCE HUH?

I am feeling so much better now, for some reason everytime i hear a Russian song or get in contact with my remembrances of living there.... the strenght they taught me comes to my life again. I bet none of my friends there knew how important my year there was.... it has made and still makes a huge difference in me. Spasibo Bolschoe moi drugs, Ya lyublyu Rossia (i wish i could find the russian characters in this laptop).

and to finish.... i want to show you a pic of the most incredible group of individuals and perfect russians dancers that worked with me during a year... and made me feel proud of being russian too.

I am so proud of being partly Russian and have been worked with these great guys. ok, now i can finally go to sleep .... 03.44am

Official site of Dschingis Khan Dosvidanya!

Labels: New life, Personal, same illness

Tonight i feel like in my apartment in Moscow, few years ago, russian winter outside... Late at night while i write in my computer. Krasitov (Mitya, Dmitry Krasov) is watching TV with Monika Thakker and Sergej Pronkin. Masha Neizvestnaya, Tatiana Berezina and Dasha Ivanova are at their homes, Olya Panzhina is at the kitchen chatting with Dasha Evstratova and Stella Vasilieva is seated behind me in other computer, working and playing russian music. Playing Zemfira (Земфира). I mention all names and last names cause i don't want to forget them... i want to prove myself i still remember them... i still remember their faces as i remember the feeling of the intimate nights i had in Moscow.

I never knew why i called nights at our apartment "intimate nights", perhaps i felt they were such a personal moment with ourselves. i always felt that our apartment at night was like a sanctuary. Lights off.... windows open (yes.. windows open while outside is -35 degrees) but it is not freezing inside... it is actually warm.... the whole apartment is full of candles... small ones.. but enough to enlight our world and make us feel alive.... inside the apartment, we were working hard to make of this a better world and empowering russian members about the future of Aiesec there. Tonight at home... it is the same.... alone, in front of my computer, lights off... and hoping that my world will be a better place to live in tomorrow... but something is missing. I miss you guys, the best MC team i have ever had.

There is something similar... Земфира is playing now, the first song that made me fall in love of her and her music... Лондон. Hey, if any of you have or can translate the lyrics... please please please do so. I have been surfing online two hours and i cannot find the translation for this one. Although i found this....

Лондон
послушать в mp3 (download mp3 here)

Мне приснилось небо Лондона
В нём приснился долгий поцелуй
Мы летели вовсе не держась
Кто же из нас первый упадет
Вдребезги на Тауэрский мост...
Утром...
Я узнаю утром
Ты узнаешь позже
Этих слов дороже
Ничего и нет

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

Мне приснилось небо Лондона
В нём приснился долгий поцелуй
Мы гуляли там по облакам
Притворились Лондонским дождем
Моросили вместе на асфальт...
Утром...
Я узнаю утром
Ты узнаешь позже
Этих слов дороже
Ничего и нет

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

-------------------------------------------------------

it is amazing how some singers can break barriers with their music, and touch our hearts with their voices. And Zemfira is definitely one of those.

Note:

Zemfira appeared in 1993 and were immediately recognized for the uniqueness of their songs. The group, which actually consists of four members, is named for the charismatic lead singer, whose name, in turn, hails from her Tatar heritage. Originally from Ufa, she is now a student of philosophy at Moscow State University in addition to being one of Russia's most cutting-edge singers. Her surreal, intellectual lyrics are complimented by an unusual but very confident musical style. She has become a cult idol, with millions who love her songs and a nearly equal number who "don't get it."

Zemfira Talgatovna Ramazanova was born on August 26, 1976 in Ufa. The group has been immensely popular in Russia and other former Soviet republics. She has opened blog www.myspace.com/zemfiraramazanova...Her official site is www.zemfira.ru If you want to see more videos of Zemfira, you can watch them here and for a list of the lyrics of her songs (wih some translation to english) click here.

Labels: Personal

Ok, today i wanted to say two things... today we had a long talk with my sister... a lot about my condition, my current status, and more. She told me she also had a friend of her living with Hiv, so she is talking with both of us to understand this more and see how she can help. Slowly our relationship is getting closer... we didn't really spoke much, cause well... we never really spent much time together years before, then she got married and well... The good part is that now we are trying to get together again . After our talk there was something she told me.. that left me thinking.. "do you think you are doing enough about hiv prevention and advocacy? don't you think you are treating it too superficially? just like talking about it but without showing or sharing scientific facts about it". Mmm... well... i think i am doing the most i can to bring the hiv topic on the table... and much more important on the heart of as many people as i can. Not much sure of what else i need to do in fact i think i am doing more than what normal people would do after diagnosed..... her words left me thinking..

Ok the other thing i will do tonight is to share with you a gift. It happens that when i was living in Moscow i made lot of friends, some of those i still keep in contact. One of my good friends is Artem Senikovsky, an amateur singer, model, song writer and actor who lives in Moscow. Oh yeah... i do know some people from "Da Business!". So this is something that will kill all the girls (and some guys too) LOL... here are some pics of Artem (and yes... you can click on them to make them bigger..LOL).

Aha, i can hear you all screaming and getting shocked by his smile and green eyes.

Don't worry, it is normal thing for him. LOL. I still remember when I introduced Artem to Monica Thakker, from India (One of my Russian MC team members) and she was.... astonished... and told me.. "man... did you see those eyes????????". Yeah, he is my friend and i agree that his eyes could kill someone one day LOL.

The thing is that Artem is writing and recording some songs now, some songs he had written by himself, and he just sent me one... that is AMAZING, so i decided i would do something good and share it with you. Artem is a very talented guy with a great voice and despite his usual work as a model he also appeared on a Russian soup opera last year. So... go download the song called "remember that i will remember you" (right click and then save target as) (mp3 / size 4.10MB) and discover the New Russian Idol!!! Artem, your song is awesome as usual... send you big hugs from Latin America while thank you for our everlasting friendship . poka!

Labels: New life, Personal, Poems

Hi, i am sorry i won't blog today.... Many things happened today, some good, some not that much. Tomorrow i will have my Cd4 test early morning (waking up at 4.30am) and i don't want to stress about it... i was having dinner and i just saw they are playing "Men in Black II" on tv. I always wanted to see that movie, therefore i would like to apologise with you all if i don't blog today, need a rest for a while.... tomorrow is going to be a great day (Cd4 test will define if i start taking meds or not) and today there is a great movie. It is not that i prefer a movie to write to you all, i just need a rest. Would you excuse me if i take a break today? I really hope you don't mind. Tomorrow night i will tell you all. Big hugs and have nice dreams 23h55

Labels: Personal

Today was another nice day,... hey this is going really cool!!. I went to deliver my samples in the morning early yet, and i had time enough to walk from hospital to metro station (about a kilometre) then went downtown to Alegro PCS headquarters for training and i arrived just on time. Perfect!!

Training was ok, we as sales people didn't really like the changes made to our current offers... but well... we are not at top of the Alegro PCS evolution chain... so lets just accept how things go. Then my co worker Rosa invited me to have lunch at her house (off course accepted i was almost broken), talked to her parents, watched some TV, it was nice. Then back to Work. It was a calmed day today, not much people... so we took chance to download some videos and make our own karaoke at the store. I love singing!!! It was a calmed day, i got a phone call from a good friend, it was nice.

I noticed something... can you believe that since i got ill... i haven't seen anyone else than my mother, co workers, my psychologist and a good friend also ill with hiv?. Looks like i really moved to another world, and my friends in town didn't move with me there... so, just in case.. if anyone reads this... i am still ALIVE, kicking and up for going out, a coffee would be so cool. I can pay mine so don't worry lol.

Talking seriously, i was thinking today about the changes... small changes i have made in my life, to help me to adapt to this. You might think they are silly but truth is... so far they are important to me. Take a look and i hope you like them.

1. I hate the word "positive". Yep, since the very first day i was diagnosed. I just can't stand it anymore... that word lost its good meaning for me. If you tell me nowadays "be positive" i will answer you... "i am already positive you know?" (black joke). Truth is whatever context you use that word, the only thing you are doing.. is to remind me i am ill. To remind me that i am HIV positive. So, now i prefer to use the word OPTIMISTIC. If you could use that one with me instead of the other, that would be a big help. I know it is something silly... but well... it would help me out.


2. I am on diet. Well this was not my decision, i am not good for diets but since my stomach is weak and sensible i was suggested to. So at this time i am not eating raw vegetables, nothing made of milk, try to avoid fat food, and try to avoid grains. Eventhough i have to admit i can't leave mayonnaise.. but i am trying!! Good news is that diarreah is gone... but it comes back from time to time. I think that it is only that my stomach is weak right now. That's all.


3. I have decided not to share drinks. Let me explain this, in Ecuador when you go to a party with friends, we usually share a single bottle of beer among all of us. That is actually safe guys, it is impossible to get infected with HIV that way, even if i share beer bottle with you, you are NOT in risk. Although I AM. If any of you has flu.... i will get it. Or whatever illness you have... i will catch it. Plus.. i was advised not to drink beer, not to smoke since i am under medications. Ohhh... so since now and on... i am a non alcoholic :) needles to say i already was, lol.


4. I am out of sex arena for a while. Let me also explain this... even after my diagnosis, i was told by DOCTORS i can keep on having sex if i want to, BUT i have to do it safely. And that means not only condoms usage, but some other safe measures i need to follow to protect myself and the person who is with me. More info here. Off course i understand this is a sensitive topic for everybody, because this is one of the few possible ways of infection. Still with it, there is too much shadow above this. Let me tell you that it is possible to have SAFE SEX with a hiv poz person without risk of being infected. Didn't know it? well now you do. Plus, you can also check Shawn's story, and Shawn's HIV Blog (he is such a funny guy!!!), also i know an Ecuadorian couple made by a hiv + woman married with a hiv - man, and they are so happy, it really happens around the world, it is time for you to open your eyes and your mind. I will explain more about safe sex later, now let me explain you why i am out of sex arena. After diagnosed i had three attempts of having sex, two of them were a disaster... not because of me, they were just the wrong people, so sex never happened. I had sex SAFELY with one person and it was nice, i liked it but not enjoyed it. why? well i was protected, but then i though... "if i would have done it like this before...." doesn't sound nice huh? and it does not feel that way... believe me. So when i am horny, right now i prefer to go for self satisfaction... if you know what i mean ;). A friend of mine told me he faced the same, and that after several months he felt ok to have safe intimacy with others... we'll see.

Now, lets talk about sex... i know that's all what you want to hear about, Lol!. The only sexual way to get infected with HIV is while practising UNSAFE SEX. It was my case, so i beg you to pay attention on this. I know we sometimes skip protection when we are with someone we love and all that... but you know, that person could love you... and still be infected, and not knowing it. And even if you both take tests, you should make several of them during a year or more to be really sure you both are clean. Plus... come on guys, lets be clear... fidelity in this world is almost death (and it wasn't hiv's fault!!), i know you could be really reliable, but are you 100% sure of your partner? current and past life? If you tell me you are 100% sure... i would advice you not to be. If i could have the chance... to go back in time... i would have never ever had unsafe sex with anyone in the world... NONE at all.

Something very important for everybody to know is that one of highest growing groups of infected people are housewives. They get infected by having unprotected sex with their husbands. Now you see what i mean?. Protect yourself, you can only be sure of yourself, don't be "sure" about others... don't do my mistake, please.

Well, I also need to have protected sex not only to prevent myself of infecting anyone else, but also because if i don't, i can catch any illness from the person i was having sex with. Lets say, if i had sex with person x and this person has ... Herpes or any other STD (sexual transmitted disease) i could get in big troubles, cause i am unable to fight it.

Mmmm i understand you all might have mixed feelings about this right now, so i prefer to tell you places where you can find more info.

• Aidsmap: Safe sex


• Poz Magazine: Positive sex


• Project inform: Safer sex guidelines

One thing important is, I don't need to tell anyone i am having sex with about my hiv status, it is not my obligation. Disclosure is my own right and i decide when to do it and when not to, but my personal commitment is not to infect anyone else. That's MY personal commitment, i can speak on my behalf, i can't speak on behalf of other hiv + people that i don't know. So don't expect that anyone comes to you and disclose right before jumping in bed... it does not happen. PRACTISE SAFE SEX ONLY!!!!

Plus, just let me clarify this... protection is EACH ONE OF US RESPONSIBILITY. The hiv + person is not responsible to protect you, got it??? so my dear friends, learn to be wise, to play safe and not to blame others for your own negligence and mistakes. IT IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Got it? then record it and use it!! It will save your life. I swear.

well... 3am here, never though that talking about sex would take me so long. lol. Rest, don't be paranoid, it is just matter of being cautious. Open your mind to the truth, the truth that infected and non infected people can fall in love and live together and be happy, the truth that you can have SAFE sex with an infected person without risk, and the truth that YOU ARE THE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION AND YOUR OWN DECISIONS. My advice.. safe sex is NOT optional, it is a must. Peace & Love.

Labels: New life, Personal, same illness

Hi, today i had a nice chat with Irina (Bulgaria) and she pointed something i had not noticed. I'm becoming too negative. I think you all will agree with me and her that it is understandable due to the dramatic changes i have faced in the lapsus of a month.... but still she said something smart (as always): "You know.. i really think you are in a great position in life, cause it is giving you the chance to enjoy every second you live..and live it to the fullest". And i though yeah, it is right... but i don't feel so. I know it is true, but i am perhaps scared of re-starting again. I've been hit too much lately.

Although Irina's words stayed in my mind whole day, sounding and sounding... i decided to take my first step to change my "angle of view" like Irina said. If some of you remember... i was reading "The art of happiness" book, based on Dalai Lama's speeches before i was hit by the truck. Lol. I remember myself being so full of energy and hope, and very high spiritually.... until my whole world disappeared just in one second. All this ... you know it. What you don't know is that since the moment i got ill... i stopped reading that book. I knew i had it, i knew i didn't finish it.... but i just could not open it. I though it was useless... "art of happiness"??? NOW?? WHAT HAPPINESS???!!. I rejected to read the book again, for around a month.

Irina's words changed my mind today... so watched two movies "300" and "Open Season" (I know i know... i like cartoon movies, so what? :))) And then ... i decided that my first step toward my own resurrection would be to re-start with the book again. I know where i left it before Stichito moved with me (Lol) but i decided i would start the whole book again... because the old me read it, but for me... for this new me... it is my first time with this book. So... i am glad. I feel happy getting back on track and slowly do the things that the Old JuanCa could not do before dying.... this is my first step toward RESURRECTION.

What's next? i don't know.... and i don't care... let's go day by day... OK? Big hugs. By the way, i have the book in Spanish in a doc file if any of you want it, drop me an email. it is free.

Labels: Personal

Hi, well... for you all to know.. my days of dating are over. We broke, it is finished... kaput!!

It was my decision... today i asked this person to be only friends. Perhaps is what this person also wanted, finally i took the decision taking into account some situations that were bothering me lately.

As i said... when one is together with someone in a specific period of life it is usually because God wants to teach us things... and i think i learnt many things with this person... here some of them

• It is great to have sex not just with "someone" but with SOMEONE YOU REALLY LIKE.


• It is great to date someone smart


• When you are dating someone you must be patient, tolerant... but never let the other person threat you like if they have power on you.


• It feels great to be loyal and faithful to the person you are dating


• I remembered i don't like when i hear someone saying "I'm like that... and I won't change"


• Never date someone who likes to be with you but fights against the idea of having something formal with you (weird uh?)


• Never date someone who likes to receive... attention, love, care, nice words but is unable to reciprocate


• It is great to date someone who is exigent with you... it gets the best out of you and helps you to grow.


• When you grow... you learn when to say "it is enough".


• When you decide something but feel disturbed... wait until tomorrow... a new day bring always a clearer vision

I like this person, and i won't deny that meant something special in my life but i don't really think it is the right person in my life in this moment. Yesterday night i was a bit down about this reality.... but today i felt calmed... i felt in peace... perhaps being with this person was giving me more pleasure than happiness... and i chose to go for real happiness instead of pleasure. (If you don't understand me wait until i post about the Dalai Lama's book i am reading).

I met this person on the messenger tonight... we didn't talk... but my heart did not jump. ok, signed, sealed, delivered. Now i close this circle in my life and open a new one.

Labels: Personal

Hi there, well... well... well... i am still involved with the person i mentioned to you all.... but... cupid side is winning this time.

It is a long story to talk about (also a topic not so pleasant for me) but well..... the thing is that this person loves someone else (and why do we have sex then? yes.. i wonder the same). I guess i should explain more the situation... The person i was dating (or i am still dating somehow) lived in Netherlands for several years, until a year a go... there had a special someone (a Brazilian guy) and they were quite in love, but well.. then things changed and this person had to come back to Ecuador. I think they are still emailing each other and stuff like that.. a friend of mine told me that the person i date has pics of this guy inside the mobile.

Soooo.... cupid cupid cupid, am i right? To say true, the night we were chatting over msn with this person and told about this guy.... it was a big hit... like the song crash, boom, bang.... you know... when someone tells you "i have someone special in my heart and he is the only one inside my heart and i want to keep him there", then i thought ok it is all over.... but then i was thinking that sometimes life get us together with someone... in a specific time, to teach us something... and same way life send us away from someone in a specific time... to teach us something. Perhaps i am wrong, but i don't think it is healthy to stick to a great love that is in the past, when it might be over or when it becomes something impossible.... but off course i would not say that to the person i am dating... people in love tend not to be open to this kind of ideas.

Well, that night i cried. Oh yeah... i did. And one more time... it is something i don't do since December 2001.. when i broke up with my first serious partner. Fuck.... it feels so bad.... felt like i was dying.... i could not help out myself... and i wrote again.... a sad poem. I will post it to you. After this.. i took couple of days away from this person.... not phone calls, no messages... i was confused and trying to decide what to do... reflecting why life goes this way.... some friends advised me not to call, not get in contact.. and i was doing so.. when one night i was on-line on msn and this person got connected... DAMN! my heart Jumped... like if it would like to scape from my chest... had an internal fight....

my heart wanted to scream: "HIIII!! how are you? :)"
and my mind was saying "SHUT UP Looser!!! lets ignore this...and demonstrate we are stronger and have self pride"

At the end i did nothing while this person was on-line... but as soon as got disconnected... i sent an sms wishing nice dreams (doesn't it sound pathetic and silly?... God... what is happening to me?!!). Next day i called.... this person was a bit ... aggressive... i don't know... it looks to me like we both are confused with what is happening.... gave me a private phone number to call and while talking i noticed this person was being very aggressive, something had never happened before... like if trying to send me away... then i thought... "why do you give me your private phone number if you try to send me away?". Still with all the aggressiveness we arranged a date for yesterday....

We met, talked about several things... some personal issues... i asked... why were you so aggressive with me these days? answered: i don't know.. i was perhaps under too much stress... Then we walked a lot... talked, and then started to argue... (oups...) about love... if love is a decision that can be taken or it is just a feeling you can't control. I think it is a decision, you decide whom to love, to hate, to forgive... that makes heart change, i know it can also happen vice versa but then it would mean you are like ship without control moved by your heart up and down.... well.. that was the fight.. to me it was interesting but this person got angry and told me " I want to go home"... i said: "ok", talked few words in the way to the buss stop... and once there i waited behind to let this person go... i was angry and frustrated... i didn't want this person to go... this person turned around and looked at me and smiled (that killed me) i asked.. come on, don't go. ok. i won't go. (isn't it all romantic... damn...).

Well... we stayed together talking, laughed a bit, and well.. wanted to go for a coffee but ended up somewhere else in a private place ;))) it was a nice night, then we were talking and... i could see some bright in those nice eyes that kill me. I said: I want you to know you are special to me... this person answered: I think i know it... smiled, and then left.

Well.. sooooooo....we are still somehow dating.... not sure until when or what will happen... i just know that if life put this person in my life for me to learn something... i am willing to learn and let this person learn from me.

Well, here i will also post the other poem i wrote. I have updated the other post with the other poem adding a translation as well. Hope you like it, poka.

Please remember original version of this poem was done in Spanish so in English it might not sound that well.

Labels: Personal

Today i want to post about something i have been thinking for a long long long time... have you ever realised or wondered if you are a Cupid or a Romeo?

It is all about a theory i have developed based on my personal experience in personal relationships and in what i have seen in others. Here is the theory:

"Not all of us are borned to be married or find a long life partner. Some people yes, might be lot (or few)... but definitely there are some, those I call them Romeos. Although there might be lot of them, there are also lot (or few) of others who were borned not to get married nor find a long life partner, but to be a connection between others (Romeos), just like cupid".

Check out and think about Cupid, apart from the mythological atmosphere around him, there are some things that are very human... and that many of us have. Cupid is someone who knows love, and knows how to love, he might have felt it for someone at least once, he knows how it feels (you cannot teach about love if you haven't felt it huh?), he likes it when he sees it in others.... but..... he never finds a twin soul for him. There's no place in mythology where it says he got married or he felt in love, so cupid is someone able to love, but with none to love to. His main and only role in life is to connect people, those that will be real romeos/lovers for short or long time, Cupid just get them together.

I think there are lot of Romeos, for instance some i know... Cristina and Carlos, Ivan and Michael (hope that's his name sorry i am not sure) and some others, i also have met few of Cupids but I will put only myself into that list cause i know many people might disagree with my definition.

So... that's it, i feel like a Cupid, have felt in love at least twice in my life, but true is... i have found lovers, but not a long life partner. I have met lot (and really lot) of people i like, and lot of people that likes me, but there is always something wrong on it... many people looking for hook ups, one night stand, open relationships, simple sex and that's it. Plus it is quite funny when you are with a friend (someone you like) and then another friend appears.... and they both end up liking each other...and they start a long time relationship that lasts several years.... it has happened to me at least 2 or 3 times. This theory has taken me about 3 to 5 months to be developed so it is nothing i haven't thought about... i have.

What's this theory useful for? I think that one of the things that leads to depression and loneliness feeling (something many people are feeling right now around the world)... is the lack of real expectations about our lives. Lot of us would like to have a life like in TV soup operas... where everybody ends up happy.... "Never been kissed", "Titanic", "A Knight's Tale" and many others show us how good love can be, which is true... but love won't always happen in everybody's life. We gotta be clear on it. If you know you are borned to be a Cupid, don't expect to be a Romeo.... it won't change and you will end up unhappy.

How do you know you are a Cupid or a Romeo? Life will tell you, and its words are usually so loud that are impossible to ignore.

Ok, lets open the discussion about this, feel free to share your thoughts.

Labels: Personal

Well, this is another update about my life in this beginning of 2007. As i said.. this will be THE YEAR, cause the begginning of it is being very moving for me.

Well, to finish with some previous stories....

A. The problem with the money was solved, last week the supervisor of financial process of Alegro PCS sent an email asking the accountant in Guayaquil to force the company in charge of money collection to cover the 100 usd missing in the report of the store. Yuppie!!

B. About the problems i had with my team... well... they are solved now.. since i am not administrator of the store anymore :(. By middle of January i was informed that our store would be franchized to a investor, which literally means she will bring her own people. Luckily Rosa, Shirley and I were chosen to stay at the store, working for this lady and Martha was moved to Mall del Sur store, Xavier was about to be fired.... but at the end the moved him to Malecon 2000 store, where he will have to work with an administrator that is known as the Scroodge of Alegro PCS.

It is true that i got dissapointed with this franchize thing.... i though that i had been promoted... but it didn't last. Well the good part of it all is that the store was remodelled and i had two days vacation ohh yeah :) after all one cannot cry for this kind of things all the time huh?. The new owner requested me to be in charge of the inventary of the store, i tried to find an excuse not to do it cause it is a lot of responsibility and i will not earn anything else for doing so... but well... at the end i could not scape and as she is the new boss... i rather get along well with her.

Apart from that everything was fine except from the part that my little niece was in hospital for a week :( Ivanna (2 years old) got infected by rota virus or something like that, causing her lot of fever that never disappeared, plus diarrea, plus some bronquitis.... the day when i went to visit her at the hospital i almost die....

I actually didn't think it would be something too important, just some flu... i didn't go to visit her the first two days cause i expected her to go out soon... but then... there was a sign. My older niece Andrea (9 years old) told me "Uncle Juan, will you go to visit Ivanna today?" I don't know why... but it was not only her words... there was something in the way she said it that made me understood that it was a sign.... after all God talks through children too. I though about the whole day... and i did it. I knew i had to.

When i arrived she had been sleeping the whole day, without speaking... the fever was very high... she had been receiving medicin to supply all the liquid lost due to the diarrea... and Doctors were not sure about when she would leave the hospital. It was so painful to me to see her like that... but then good things happened.... you know i love her lot, and well i don't see her often so she does not relate to me much, but when she saw me... she said "Uncle one!" hehehe... cause she can't pronounce Juan yet. We started to talk i knew that when you are with fever you need motivation so your body starts fighting against it... i was trying to make games to her, to talk, she is very smart so we always taught her about her body parts, so i asked... where is your nose? your ears? your tongue? slowly she started to recover... and she was telling me about her state.. she was showing me the oxigen machine and telling me "thing!! a thing!!" yes i told her, thats a white a thing.

By the end of the night she had lost the fever, and now was ready for the threatment for bronquitis, which she was affraid of, i stayed to help and the nurse though i was the father... :) well i am not but i love her like if i were.

The hardest thing came later.... My sister and my brother-in-law has been sleeping at the hospital for two days.. and they were death cause they had to work as well, and my sister was sick of her throat and with fever too.... she was having what i had and she was weak emotinally too... fearing something bad would happen to Ivanna. I remembered how it feels to be sick of the throat cause i had been twice like that in december and january... then i understood why i was there. I needed to help. That was why i was called for God to be there, cause eventhough she was surrounded by lot of people my sister was feeling lonely.... feeling week and with the life of her child in her hands... so i decided to take my position in life, and in the life of my family. For some reasons i am not good in many things but i am good in helping... when needed.

I hugged my sister and i told her to go home, she said no, i want to be bere if something bad happens to Ivanna, and cried.....i told her to go, she was sick and it was no good for her, i would stay the whole night with my mother, if something happened i would call her. She felt more confident and left... i stayed awake until 5 am while my mother was sleeping... then we changed turns and i had to wake up at 8am to go home, change clothe and go back to work. I did same twice that week. I was even ready to make it third time but luckily Ivanna was allowed to leave the hospital... during these days,... the whole family got sick with the same illness... my brother-in-law, my sister, my older niece, my mom. Luckily as they were older and stronger they had been just taking medicin and didn't need to stay in hospital... but it was a big hit for the whole family, but... united we faced and got over it.

After that situation... i was reflecting... and i learnt something, sometimes in life things that we face are not only for us to learn... to get over them... but also to be able to help others cause we have been in that position before. None really knows other's pain if you haven't feel it. I thank God for the chance he gave me to be in troubles, to be sick but much more important to get over it and then use that experience to help my whole family to face and get over it too.

Few days later something happened... guess what? MODEL ANITA IS IN TOWN!!!!!! oh yeahh!!! directly fron New Zealand our beloved friend came back to Ecuador to spend Christmas and New Year ... mmmm wow... salaries in New Zealand must be quite good ;) hehehe. It was so cool to meet Anita again, cause i don't see her for long time and i was very glad to know her traineeship in NZ was going great, we met also with Francheska, and Luigi (MC members).

We met at San Marino Mall, and had some coffee while talking about NZ culture, her personal experience there and so on... nice to see people developing around you. :)

Well, that has been my update, so far...to finish, i would like to share with you the last pic i took with my team at Mini CAV Riocentro Sur of Alegro PCS. Guys,... it was cool to work with you!! I wish you the best in this year :)

Labels: Personal

hey test test

Labels: Personal

Well.......... i personally have to say that i don't like the new blogger.. but i moved to it and i can't change it.. so lets test if my settings for uploading still work

Del.icio.us : dd

Labels: Personal