Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi there, well... well... well... i am still involved with the person i mentioned to you all.... but... cupid side is winning this time.

It is a long story to talk about (also a topic not so pleasant for me) but well..... the thing is that this person loves someone else (and why do we have sex then? yes.. i wonder the same). I guess i should explain more the situation... The person i was dating (or i am still dating somehow) lived in Netherlands for several years, until a year a go... there had a special someone (a Brazilian guy) and they were quite in love, but well.. then things changed and this person had to come back to Ecuador. I think they are still emailing each other and stuff like that.. a friend of mine told me that the person i date has pics of this guy inside the mobile.

Soooo.... cupid cupid cupid, am i right? To say true, the night we were chatting over msn with this person and told about this guy.... it was a big hit... like the song crash, boom, bang.... you know... when someone tells you "i have someone special in my heart and he is the only one inside my heart and i want to keep him there", then i thought ok it is all over.... but then i was thinking that sometimes life get us together with someone... in a specific time, to teach us something... and same way life send us away from someone in a specific time... to teach us something. Perhaps i am wrong, but i don't think it is healthy to stick to a great love that is in the past, when it might be over or when it becomes something impossible.... but off course i would not say that to the person i am dating... people in love tend not to be open to this kind of ideas.

Well, that night i cried. Oh yeah... i did. And one more time... it is something i don't do since December 2001.. when i broke up with my first serious partner. Fuck.... it feels so bad.... felt like i was dying.... i could not help out myself... and i wrote again.... a sad poem. I will post it to you. After this.. i took couple of days away from this person.... not phone calls, no messages... i was confused and trying to decide what to do... reflecting why life goes this way.... some friends advised me not to call, not get in contact.. and i was doing so.. when one night i was on-line on msn and this person got connected... DAMN! my heart Jumped... like if it would like to scape from my chest... had an internal fight....

my heart wanted to scream: "HIIII!! how are you? :)"
and my mind was saying "SHUT UP Looser!!! lets ignore this...and demonstrate we are stronger and have self pride"

At the end i did nothing while this person was on-line... but as soon as got disconnected... i sent an sms wishing nice dreams (doesn't it sound pathetic and silly?... God... what is happening to me?!!). Next day i called.... this person was a bit ... aggressive... i don't know... it looks to me like we both are confused with what is happening.... gave me a private phone number to call and while talking i noticed this person was being very aggressive, something had never happened before... like if trying to send me away... then i thought... "why do you give me your private phone number if you try to send me away?". Still with all the aggressiveness we arranged a date for yesterday....

We met, talked about several things... some personal issues... i asked... why were you so aggressive with me these days? answered: i don't know.. i was perhaps under too much stress... Then we walked a lot... talked, and then started to argue... (oups...) about love... if love is a decision that can be taken or it is just a feeling you can't control. I think it is a decision, you decide whom to love, to hate, to forgive... that makes heart change, i know it can also happen vice versa but then it would mean you are like ship without control moved by your heart up and down.... well.. that was the fight.. to me it was interesting but this person got angry and told me " I want to go home"... i said: "ok", talked few words in the way to the buss stop... and once there i waited behind to let this person go... i was angry and frustrated... i didn't want this person to go... this person turned around and looked at me and smiled (that killed me) i asked.. come on, don't go. ok. i won't go. (isn't it all romantic... damn...).

Well... we stayed together talking, laughed a bit, and well.. wanted to go for a coffee but ended up somewhere else in a private place ;))) it was a nice night, then we were talking and... i could see some bright in those nice eyes that kill me. I said: I want you to know you are special to me... this person answered: I think i know it... smiled, and then left.

Well.. sooooooo....we are still somehow dating.... not sure until when or what will happen... i just know that if life put this person in my life for me to learn something... i am willing to learn and let this person learn from me.

Well, here i will also post the other poem i wrote. I have updated the other post with the other poem adding a translation as well. Hope you like it, poka.

Please remember original version of this poem was done in Spanish so in English it might not sound that well.

Labels: Personal

Well... i will just say something, i don't understand why when i do a simple post, everybody (well not everybody just 2 or 4) people reply (something i thank you cause this weblog is for you my friends)... BUT... why none writes when i say something smart (like my cupid/romeo theory)? The idea of my weblog is to be a space (a virtual space) where we all can learn about our lives and share our thoughts, despite distance... so guys.. when i post something (silly or smart) feel free to post your comments, cause they are important to me... they help me to learn and to grow. By the way... Cristina.. your comment was AWESOME!!! wow.. wow.. wow.. there is too much wisdom in everything you said, thank you for sharing it with me.

Ok, next thing.... i am meeting someone. (oh yeah.. right after the cupid theory... looks like God is also reading this weblog and wanted to contribute) Well, we met about 3 weeks ago or so, it wasn't supposed to be anything... you know.. just something momentary, but well... the moment has extended a bit more than usual.... and it has lasted until today. mmm awesome isn't it? Off course i have to say this person drives me crazy (and is incredibly HOT), but is also smart, mature, great dancer, with firm temper, straight forward, a bit picky and strict sometimes (just like me sometimes), very light (always good food, gym, nature and so on), quiet, clear, sincere, strong, good in conversations, and many more things. Off course by right now you all know i am interested... and yes i am. ALTHOUGH.... we have talked a bit about it, and well.. we or better say this person has pointed we are in a single friendship state, even though this person also agreed there is some special link between us... not too strong, not too week, like this person always says... "if it has to happen it will happen". We already had our first disagreement, and we were just about to split apart... but it was then when i understood i am quite interested in this person and that i was having some mistakes in my way of handling relationships... i guess this person also found out some reason to stay with me... cause we are still together and in the process of getting to know each other better.

Well, i am still sticked to my cupid theory, by the way i took a pic with cupid today...ahh you will love it!!!

Well the real thing is i feel quite happy with this new person in my life, even though sometimes there are some attitudes that put me down.... but i try to understand a bit of what is behind everything this person says.... but sometimes i just don't get it.... so i am not sure if i am in process of becoming a romeo like Cristina said or just keep on being a silly cupid fooling around.... guess romeo side is winning so far ;)

Ok but what makes it relevant... enough to be posted here is that today i realised that there is something happening to me that didn't happen since...mmmmm..... long time ago, lets explain it....

Today..... I started to write poems again. (it does not happen to me since.... 4 years ago).

It is actually awesome for me, cause i though i had lost the inspiration to write, i used to write a lot when i was in love of my first couple, and after we broke up... wrote lot of things in english and spanish (pitifully all my poems were lost thanks to some stupid bug in yahoo mail and to the so famous change of server of www.aiesec.ws). So well.... i think i wrote my last poem around Christmas 2002 in Moscow, perhaps a bit before, and then i cam back.. and i tried to write.. but it just... didn't happen... words didn't flow... feelings didn't show up.... felt like a robot for instance. I assumed that due to the strong experience i had faced in Moscow i had lost the sensibility needed to write (cause my poems are not only words, they are my tears and my blood written on paper). So i accepted a poet inside of me died..... but looks like today he woke up... a bit in love with someone.... which is getting me afraid things "won't happen". Even though.. today... i could not scape, and prevent my hand from writing (on the keyboard of this computer off course cause one have to keep up to the modern times ;) well... words flew while i was listening a rare, but very romantic song of Mecano (and i will never write when there is a song playing cause it bothers my concentration).... and well.. in 5 to 6 mins... it was done. My God.... my first poem in years.... in many years..... i like it, even tough it is not perfect and does not have the rime i used to have in the past, but i feel like a person who could not walk, talk, feel, cry, dream, love, see, listen... for a long long long time... and now... all the steps, the words, the emotions, the tears, the dreams, the feelings, the views, the sounds... are coming back to my life and waking me up... making me feel alive again (OH MY GOD.... can you believe what i am writing???..... f*cking LOVE... if i see you... i will kick your ass!!!.... or may be not =)

Well.... no more words, here comes to you.... my first poem and hopefully not the last of this year (and it is in spanish.. wow... thats improvement, i usually always wrote in english... time changes ;)

Well.... mmm... it has somehow my style... even though the metrics and you know.. concordance of sounds is not the same as i used to have before.... but i like it, just because it is a newly borned... and well.. because it is true, sincere, and this poem of love... is not afraid to show up his face to the world... so i love it.

Labels: Poems