Nomad JuanCa's Report

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It is confirmed. I'm sick.

Well, i got the confirmation test yesterday. Now i am officially sick with a non curable illness. It was a mess... i had to go with someone from a foundation working with people with this kind of illness... i wasn't brave enough to do it alone. Well after lot of waiting... i was called.
Deep inside i was hoping not to be sick wit this... but when the Dr. told that it was confirmed.... the only thing i could say was.. "Oh my God....." while my whole world fallen down.... I was trembling and shocked. Felt that everything fallen, like if a big comet had hit my world and destroyed all my life... all my dreams... all my world. The only thing that helped me in that moment was to stick to my faith to God.. i was praying so much inside "help me, help me, help me... help me to learn to live with this".
The Dr. was understanding and professional... didn't let me fall completely and told me that there are still several ways to live with this, eventhough... i have to be more carefull and i will have to necessarily change my way of living. Government here offers some programms to threat this kind of illness and that i needed to be checked inmediatly to see the state of my illness and confirm if i need medicins right now.
When we left, i tried to scape from this place (literally). I went to the foundation with the girl who had been with me, and she asked me: what happened what was the result? (Dr. didn't allowed her to get into the room). I answered "Dr gave me the letter to get into the government programme". She said... "oh.. ok."
Well, we talked in the foundation office... i just could not belive it. I tried to force my mind to accept it... but inside of me something was saying "No No No... this could be wrong!!. It is not happening to me this time!!! Am i dreaming? will i wake up soon and realize this was just a nightmare?". Although... Dr. was clear... it is confirmed. There is no doubt about this.... no more tests are needed.
Yesterday spent the whole day trying to convince myself that it is true and i am sick, had a nightmare (i usually never even dream). I was home alone yesterday night... and found the way of not getting home early. I arrived around midnight. Turned on tv and then went to sleep... Dr adviced i cannot go to bed late anymore.
Well, three friends of mine know about this. One lives in Moscow, other one is also ill with this since three months ago but i know him since 2 years ago and the third person is a mature woman whom i have talked over the phone and she is also sick but we have never met so far. Still with it, she has been very supportive. Today i just woke up, hoping to find a way to process this all and start a new life. Because eventhough the city is the same... true is that i see it all different. When i look myself in the mirror... i dont see myself, i see same face and same body, but it is not me anymore... it is someone different... i carry on with the same body, but the body is not mine.. cause now i don't control it anymore.. the illness does... and now is living with me, sharing a single room, sharing my bed, sharing my world... or what was left of it.
I need to learn how to get along with this, and i hope i will. I do think so.
posted by JuanCa at 12:25 PM 8 comments

Saturday, March 24, 2007

These two weeks.

Well, these two weeks have been a bit complicated for me, thats why i haven't post anything here. Two weeks ago i got sick, it was something unexpected since i never get sick. Normally i would not go to see Dr. but my mother took me there.
It all started with simple fever, then other things came over... Dr prescribed examinations to see if it was dengue or colera... and all tests were negative. I have seen 3 different Drs during these two weeks, and none of them could really point what my illness was.... so i decided to take another test for something different. The result is that i was diagnosed with a non curable illness.
It has been a mess since then, ups and downs... trying to look for information, but without a clear clue of where to go, what to do... where to start. Finally, some friends i knew gave me some advice and i have been able to contact people who can assist me to understand what is happening to me now. I was told that i need another test to confirm my condition... which i took it but last a week in showing results... so next week i will finally know.
I am preparing for all, eventhough these days of waiting are somehow being too long. My synthoms are mostly gone, so i feel ok now... just some minor stomage problems, but according to Drs it does not mean i am ok.
Well, next tuesday i will know if i am safe or not. If you read this, cross your fingers... i am now ready for everything, but true is that one never expects get a non curable disease... so eventhough i have the strengh to face anything... the true is that i would not like to face this. I have talked to some people... and they called this situation "your own Getzemani"... Lets see how it goes.
Still with this, i keep my faith in God. Above all the things happening in our lives, there is a plan... a plan that is good and that even when it takes us for dark lonely paths... is the path we have to follow to reach higher levels of understanding of God's love.
posted by JuanCa at 8:19 AM 1 comments

Saturday, March 03, 2007

My art of Hapiness and the Dalai Lama


Well, these days i am reading an e-book that i found just by chance... but that happened to be quite good one. "The art of Happiness" based on Dalai Lama speeches and personal conversations with the author (Howard Cutler). I have always liked Asian culture, thats why i studied Japanese some time ago but i have to admit i have never really put interest in Budism... I have strong Christian believes, still with it, i found Dalai Lama ideas quite practical and spiritually deep... for a Budist.. a Catholic and i think for any Human being who believes one can be better day to day, that's what i liked a lot.


20050831_610.gifHis Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet


I was reading so many smart and deep ideas that i realised here in Latin America we know few or nothing about Dalai Lama, we know he is famous and that's it (same like we know there is a place called Georgia but we swear it is a state within USA and in fact it is a country in Western Europe). So i decided to enlight my days and open my mind by make a small research about His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.... here i share the light i found with you.


"His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, is both the head of state and the spiritual leader of Tibet. He was born on 6 July 1935.At the age of two the child, who was named Lhamo Dhondup at that time was recognized as the reincarnation of the 13th Dalai Lama, Thubten Gyatso. The Dalai Lamas are believed to be manifestations of Avalokiteshvara or Chenrezig, the Bodhisattva of Compassion and patron saint of Tibet. Bodhisattvas are enlightened beings who have postponed their own nirvana and chosen to take rebirth in order to serve humanity (how i wish we all would care about serving humanity).


His Holiness began his monastic education at the age of six. The curriculum consisted of five major and five minor subjects. The major subjects were logic, Tibetan art and culture, Sanskrit, medicine, and Buddhist philosophy which was further divided into a further five categories: Prajnaparimita, the perfection of wisdom; Madhyamika, the philosophy of the middle Way; Vinaya, the canon of monastic discipline; Abidharma, metaphysics; and Pramana, logic and epistemology. The five minor subjects were poetry, music and drama, astrology, motre and phrasing, and synonyms. At 23 he sat for his final examination in the Jokhang Temple, Lhasa, during the annual Monlam (prayer) Festival in 1959. He passed with honours and was awarded the Geshe Lharampa degree, the highest-level degree equivalent to a doctorate of Buddhist philosophy. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is a man of peace. In 1989 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his non-violent struggle for the liberation of Tibet. He has consistently advocated policies of non-violence, even in the face of extreme aggression. He also became the first Nobel Laureate to be recognized for his concern for global environmental problems." (Original source)


Of course there are many more things to say about His Holiness the current Dalai Lama, but something that calls my attention... is that few times.. one meet (to say it in some way) a person dedicated to the spiritual matters and even harder is to find someone striving for the best of Humanity. I actually felt like postpone my own Nirvana to also help the Humanity.. seriously. The only thing is that as i am Catholic (better say Christian) i am not sure if i have a Nirvana....mmmm i will ask about it.


Just one thing.... perhaps i am wrong but i notice a difference...



... what a different approach huh? I wish I could say that our Popes are as spiritual as Dalai Lama and that they say so many smart things.... all i can say is that our Popes look nice in the long robe and that they know our traditions by heart (and can tell them in several languages) but the point is... HOW SPIRITUAL THEY REALLY ARE? Oups... just small comment before being disbanded from Catholic Church and considered to be burned.


Well, back to the point, about this reincarnation... i actually don't believe in it, i mean we are taught from our childhood that once we die we go to hell or heaven, i guess that's a strong idea in me, but i actually wouldn't mind in coming back to earth, if it helps me to be a better human being and correct mistakes of my past lives and help others to understand we can be better.... lets see... if i die and i come back i will let you know hehehehe.


Other interesting things about Dalai Lama


Three Main Commitments in Life


dala2.jpgFirstly, on the level of a human being, His Holiness' first commitment is the promotion of human values such as compassion, forgiveness, tolerance, contentment and self-discipline. All human beings are the same. We all want happiness and do not want suffering. Even people who do not believe in religion recognize the importance of these human values in making their life happier. His Holiness refers to these human values as secular ethics. He remains committed to talk about the importance of these human values and share them with everyone he meets.


Secondly, on the level of a religious practitioner, His Holiness' second commitment is the promotion of religious harmony and understanding among the world's major religious traditions. Despite philosophical differences, all major world religions have the same potential to create good human beings. It is therefore important for all religious traditions to respect one another and recognize the value of each other's respective traditions. As far as one truth, one religion is concerned, this is relevant on an individual level. However, for the community at large, several truths, several religions are necessary.

Thirdly, His Holiness is a Tibetan and carries the name of the 'Dalai Lama'. Tibetans place their trust in him. Therefore, his third commitment is to the Tibetan issue. His Holiness has a responsibility to act as the free spokesperson of the Tibetans in their struggle for justice. As far as this third commitment is concerned, it will cease to exist once a mutually beneficial solution is reached between the Tibetans and Chinese.

However, His Holiness will carry on with the first two commitments till his last breath. (Original source)



Interesting huh? I also like the idea of committing our life to live some values and share them with everyone we meet. Like the so famous AIESEC values that everybody spoke about and none (including myself) really lived. I just don't understand much why someone who is so elevated still cares about owning a piece of land... off course i might not understand it cause i am not the one in exile. Soo.... well this post is already long enough to share now the main things i learn from the book but i will do it later. I just wanted to share this with you for two reasons... 1. We all want to be better, but don't forget that in the way to become a better human being you not only have to develop your mind and professional skills... but your soul too. 2. Becoming a more spiritual human being is not an easy task... but sometimes an example like this one... can serve as a huge motivation.


ok that's it, poka. More info about Dalai Lama at www.dalailama.com


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posted by JuanCa at 6:04 AM 0 comments

Friday, March 02, 2007

It's over


Hi, well... for you all to know.. my days of dating are over. We broke, it is finished... kaput!!


It was my decision... today i asked this person to be only friends. Perhaps is what this person also wanted, finally i took the decision taking into account some situations that were bothering me lately.


As i said... when one is together with someone in a specific period of life it is usually because God wants to teach us things... and i think i learnt many things with this person... here some of them



I like this person, and i won't deny that meant something special in my life but i don't really think it is the right person in my life in this moment. Yesterday night i was a bit down about this reality.... but today i felt calmed... i felt in peace... perhaps being with this person was giving me more pleasure than happiness... and i chose to go for real happiness instead of pleasure. (If you don't understand me wait until i post about the Dalai Lama's book i am reading).


I met this person on the messenger tonight... we didn't talk... but my heart did not jump. ok, signed, sealed, delivered. Now i close this circle in my life and open a new one.


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posted by JuanCa at 10:48 PM 0 comments