Nomad JuanCa's Report
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
It is confirmed. I'm sick.
Well, i got the confirmation test yesterday. Now i am officially sick with a non curable illness. It was a mess... i had to go with someone from a foundation working with people with this kind of illness... i wasn't brave enough to do it alone. Well after lot of waiting... i was called.
Deep inside i was hoping not to be sick wit this... but when the Dr. told that it was confirmed.... the only thing i could say was.. "Oh my God....." while my whole world fallen down.... I was trembling and shocked. Felt that everything fallen, like if a big comet had hit my world and destroyed all my life... all my dreams... all my world. The only thing that helped me in that moment was to stick to my faith to God.. i was praying so much inside "help me, help me, help me... help me to learn to live with this".
The Dr. was understanding and professional... didn't let me fall completely and told me that there are still several ways to live with this, eventhough... i have to be more carefull and i will have to necessarily change my way of living. Government here offers some programms to threat this kind of illness and that i needed to be checked inmediatly to see the state of my illness and confirm if i need medicins right now.
When we left, i tried to scape from this place (literally). I went to the foundation with the girl who had been with me, and she asked me: what happened what was the result? (Dr. didn't allowed her to get into the room). I answered "Dr gave me the letter to get into the government programme". She said... "oh.. ok."
Well, we talked in the foundation office... i just could not belive it. I tried to force my mind to accept it... but inside of me something was saying "No No No... this could be wrong!!. It is not happening to me this time!!! Am i dreaming? will i wake up soon and realize this was just a nightmare?". Although... Dr. was clear... it is confirmed. There is no doubt about this.... no more tests are needed.
Yesterday spent the whole day trying to convince myself that it is true and i am sick, had a nightmare (i usually never even dream). I was home alone yesterday night... and found the way of not getting home early. I arrived around midnight. Turned on tv and then went to sleep... Dr adviced i cannot go to bed late anymore.
Well, three friends of mine know about this. One lives in Moscow, other one is also ill with this since three months ago but i know him since 2 years ago and the third person is a mature woman whom i have talked over the phone and she is also sick but we have never met so far. Still with it, she has been very supportive. Today i just woke up, hoping to find a way to process this all and start a new life. Because eventhough the city is the same... true is that i see it all different. When i look myself in the mirror... i dont see myself, i see same face and same body, but it is not me anymore... it is someone different... i carry on with the same body, but the body is not mine.. cause now i don't control it anymore.. the illness does... and now is living with me, sharing a single room, sharing my bed, sharing my world... or what was left of it.
I need to learn how to get along with this, and i hope i will. I do think so.
