Nomad JuanCa's Report

Tonight i feel like in my apartment in Moscow, few years ago, russian winter outside... Late at night while i write in my computer. Krasitov (Mitya, Dmitry Krasov) is watching TV with Monika Thakker and Sergej Pronkin. Masha Neizvestnaya, Tatiana Berezina and Dasha Ivanova are at their homes, Olya Panzhina is at the kitchen chatting with Dasha Evstratova and Stella Vasilieva is seated behind me in other computer, working and playing russian music. Playing Zemfira (Земфира). I mention all names and last names cause i don't want to forget them... i want to prove myself i still remember them... i still remember their faces as i remember the feeling of the intimate nights i had in Moscow.

I never knew why i called nights at our apartment "intimate nights", perhaps i felt they were such a personal moment with ourselves. i always felt that our apartment at night was like a sanctuary. Lights off.... windows open (yes.. windows open while outside is -35 degrees) but it is not freezing inside... it is actually warm.... the whole apartment is full of candles... small ones.. but enough to enlight our world and make us feel alive.... inside the apartment, we were working hard to make of this a better world and empowering russian members about the future of Aiesec there. Tonight at home... it is the same.... alone, in front of my computer, lights off... and hoping that my world will be a better place to live in tomorrow... but something is missing. I miss you guys, the best MC team i have ever had.

There is something similar... Земфира is playing now, the first song that made me fall in love of her and her music... Лондон. Hey, if any of you have or can translate the lyrics... please please please do so. I have been surfing online two hours and i cannot find the translation for this one. Although i found this....

Лондон
послушать в mp3 (download mp3 here)

Мне приснилось небо Лондона
В нём приснился долгий поцелуй
Мы летели вовсе не держась
Кто же из нас первый упадет
Вдребезги на Тауэрский мост...
Утром...
Я узнаю утром
Ты узнаешь позже
Этих слов дороже
Ничего и нет

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

Мне приснилось небо Лондона
В нём приснился долгий поцелуй
Мы гуляли там по облакам
Притворились Лондонским дождем
Моросили вместе на асфальт...
Утром...
Я узнаю утром
Ты узнаешь позже
Этих слов дороже
Ничего и нет

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

Без таких вот звоночков,
Я же зверь-одиночка
Промахнусь... вернусь ночью
Не заметит никто
Всё тот же зверь-одиночка
Я считаю шажочки до последней до точки
Побежали летать

-------------------------------------------------------

it is amazing how some singers can break barriers with their music, and touch our hearts with their voices. And Zemfira is definitely one of those.

Note:

Zemfira appeared in 1993 and were immediately recognized for the uniqueness of their songs. The group, which actually consists of four members, is named for the charismatic lead singer, whose name, in turn, hails from her Tatar heritage. Originally from Ufa, she is now a student of philosophy at Moscow State University in addition to being one of Russia's most cutting-edge singers. Her surreal, intellectual lyrics are complimented by an unusual but very confident musical style. She has become a cult idol, with millions who love her songs and a nearly equal number who "don't get it."

Zemfira Talgatovna Ramazanova was born on August 26, 1976 in Ufa. The group has been immensely popular in Russia and other former Soviet republics. She has opened blog www.myspace.com/zemfiraramazanova...Her official site is www.zemfira.ru If you want to see more videos of Zemfira, you can watch them here and for a list of the lyrics of her songs (wih some translation to english) click here.

Labels: Personal

How to tell your best friend in the world your life changed and you are infected with Hiv?.

Valja (Valentin Turtia) wrote to me today, he is the best friend i have ever had in my life and the person who made my time in Moscow easier, i don't mean i had a terrible time there, it was good but no easy, due to financial limitations (extreme limitations actually). Valja and i became real friends and very close, funny... how can a latin and a russian became so close friends if sometimes their way of thinking are different? By respecting each other and being true to themselves. Well...i posted about Valja long ago... today i just received this....

------

Hey, JuanCa, wrote you a letter to your email, but it returned undelivered.

Re-send to all your e-mails which i have!

Hugs,

Valja

-----Original Message-----
From: Valentin Turtia
Sent: Saturday, May 19, 2007 3:06 PM
To: 'juan carlos'
Subject: RE: my news {Scanned}

Hey, JuanCa!

Do I remember right and you had birthday yesterday? Yes, I do. Take my wishes to remain a real man as I remember you independent of whatever you do and how hard your life is. Let some core things which make JuanCa different from any other person in the world remain with you forever!

What is your life now, what new happened since your last letter in December?

--------

If he just knew all the things that happened to me since December.... We haven't written often lately, cause i knew he was busy with his new marriage (he even invited to me attend it... but you know... flying from Guayaquil to Prague is not so cheap and worst in my condition). I knew one day i would have to tell him and my other two good friends who are living in Moscow yet. I just never knew when.... and i certainly don't know how....but i have to tell Valja now, cause he is my friend and we have never lied to each other.

--------

Hey man, how you and Katja are doing?

i hope great, i am so glad to hear from you. Hey.... don't feel bad about the apartment, come on... you are newly married you cannot have everything at the same time, let the things come in the right time, just remember one has to focus more in the being than having :) am i right?

Well... since December last year, my life have changed a lot... enormously, many things have happened and not all of them were good.... but the main one and most terrible.... is that i was diagnosed Hiv+ by 07/03/07. I am sorry in giving you these news... and well... God knows i wish things would be different, but they are not. I have never lied to you and i won't do it now... i didn't write to you before... because you know i was in the middle of the hardest time in my life dealing with the news and the facts of this new diagnosis. I wanted you to be by my side but i knew distance would not help us, plus... you are just newly married.... i didn't want to ruin your happiness.

Still with all this, not all the things are bad.... i know you might be shocked and nervous but i want you to remain calmed. I have been a lucky guy, cause despite the infection i was diagnosed in the early stages of it, so i have actually no symptoms and no troubles right now (my troubles come from other sources not my health lol). It may be years until i ever need meds, and once starting them they will help me out to stay alive but i have to keep them forever. Nowadays, Hiv/Aids is not considered a death sentence but a chronic illness, same like diabetes ... but off course more serious.

Man.... there are lot ... really lot of things to tell you about this, and how i faced the hard times at the beginning.... and the people that have been around me helping me, fears i have right now, and troubles i face, the new life i live right now and how i see it...... but i understand this i just said.... is already a big bomb. so.... i prefer to give you time to process it and i want you to ask me as many questions as you want to... if you want to.

there is a song dear Valjia, that i heard yesterday night.... i never knew it would be useful right now... but i guess it clearly reflects a bit of how i feel about my condition and my new life right now. here are the lyrics but i want you to really focus on the first lines saying "If i could tell the world just one thing, it would be... we are ok". I am ok my dearest friend, and that's all i expect from life right now... and i am thankful. You have always been my best friend, and that haven't changed, i haven't changed either, i just have weaker health. Strong hugs.. have missed you too brother, Xyahka

Hands - Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Labels: New life, same illness

Something funny happened today...

Someone signed as anonymous and put a comment to one of my threads "words from my past" saying: JUAN CARLOS YOU ARE A F>>> LOOSER AND GAY

And off course, that post was about Cecilia Sacoto and her bunch of friends , so i guess anonymous or not, i know who are behind . So funny that those guys have not learnt anything after so many years. They cannot hurt me now. I felt bother and a bit of anger but NO PAIN (so sorry for you guys ). Anger because as usual those guys are not able to say things in my face... they didn't do it before, and don't do it now... looks like some of the lowest species of the humankind does not evolve as all the rest, huh? And bother cause it is a waste of time that such a non worthy people takes seconds of my life to tell them how meaningless their words are, when i could be doing something more constructive. Come on guys... i have better things to do... and you better get a life .

Plus, none of you know if i am gay or not, that's my business nor yours... and if i was.... is it something bad? come on guys.... i am ashamed of your retarded way of thinking (never mention you were in AIESEC... what a shame). About being looser, that's not right, i am a winner, i win my place on this earth everyday i wake up by overcoming all the situations i have to face... not like you... do something worthy with your life... it is a gift that some really valuable people does not have today, so don't make the one above regret about keeping you here. Be good and find peace....bye bye.

The weekend was good, I had good time at work, we are waiting for launch of new models that are really nice. Started to take the meds that i got from social security, and i realised something i never took into account. All meds we take, even aspirins, have side effects. Off course, if meds are not strong the side effects are not strong as well, but that won't be case for me in the years to come. Right now i am taking a strong med once a week for dermatological purposes... slowly other meds might come... until the time where the real ARV party will begin... and i will learn how to dance with them .

I am making new friends at poz forums, very cool people... and i am also realising that despite my English level (being it above average) i still cannot communicate properly with some american people. Looks like my jokes does not sound as funny in English as they sound in Spanish... ohh... buuu buuu.... Well, while i was in AIESEC, i understood that humour sense is one of the most difficult things to handle while communicating with people from other countries. I had a long long long discussion about it with some people at poz forums, I learnt that i have to be more careful with my words, because what i say is not always what others understand.

Hey, if you have noticed some changes in the layout of this site in the recent days, it is because i am still changing it. (yep... perfectionist)... i had designed a nice layout for the site, that looked great in my computer, but when i opened the site at work, i found out the background picture was not well placed (that happens when you don't know much about web programming and you tests your pages with your 17" flat screen). So i have been changing it and resizing it all until finding a point where it will look appropriated in your computers. Sorry for the inconveniences this may cause.

So i will leave you with a nice video that includes some scenes taken in Moscow!!! (Lenin statue, Kremlin, the change of guards, so on) Ochen horosho!!!! Apredilona kruto!!! This is an old song from Pet Shop Boys (i hope i am not the only one who remember them...) and has been in my mind lately, i don't know why... well, i do know but i might write about later. So enjoy the video, lets go west!!!

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi, i will try to be brief (i know it is hard for me but i will try)..

Working weekend over here while everybody is on holidays, no problem i had no money to go anywhere so i better stayed working.

Downloaded lot of songs from internet and several videos... mmm i love that!! At work everything was calmed, tomorrow i will work from 10.30am until 9pm (gotta be ready psychologically).

Mom is here and we are going fine... no fights so far.

Today i met someone, i was chatting on internet with a guy, talking about different things.. when i saw his pic i knew i had seen him somewhere else. YES! at Positivesingles.com it is a website for hiv+ people as well as other living with different STD (sexually transmitted diseases) Herpes, HPV (Human papiloma virus) and more. I know it does not sound nice, but what i am trying to explain is that this is a place where people with same problems meet. Straight, gays, bisexuals, everybody. It is not easy to find a place where you can talk about hiv for instance with others and God knows it took me time to find one, or two. When i first saw this site, i joined and did a research to see if there were any other Ecuadorians. There were three. A guy from Quito, a guy from gye with picture and me. Not much help huh?

The guy i was chatting today is the guy who had a picture in that site. I recognised him, and i asked... "can i ask you something? are you hiv+?" he answered: Yes. And i told him: "me too!". Funny how friendships begin huh? We talked a lot, he is actually working in IT for large and important company here in Guayaquil, where they don't know his status. He is also going to social security hospital and meet my same Dr. In fact, he even was activist and part of the Ecuadorian Coalition of People living with Aids/Hiv. Although he told me he was disappointed about them, mmm...well... i guess i need to hear that story. The thing is we talked a lot and i asked him if he could go with me to the next meeting, cause i know none and i am a bit afraid. I also asked him "hey can we be friends?" he replied "do you really want to be my friend?".

Strange answer i though... then i understood that sometimes Hiv isolate people... and sometimes others around us help Hiv in that too. Enough to make us doubt when a new friend stand in front of us and give us a hand. Walter as it is his name, has seen some people dying for Hiv. He told me that his last two partners were Hiv+ and are death already. I felt sorry for him and a deep fear took my heart... i know this feeling, it moved to live with me two months ago... and it is the first thing i see when i wake up everyday...... the shadow of death standing next to my bed..... patient... waiting.... like telling me... sooner or later your time will arrive.....i already said i fear death... and i will repeat it... i am afraid to die .

Walter told me his partners died because they didn't look after their health, that was what ruined them. Ok i will not do the same. We agree to meet one of these days to chat. Today I have a new friend. This waiting period... or latency as it is clinically called... plays with my nerves, two days ago i had a nightmare... i was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror and suddenly after throwing water to my face... i saw it all covered of pimples with pus... all over my face.... then i though "Chlamydia"...(but i was so fucking wrong cause chlamydia does not show in the face... but in genitals... sorry too many new illness to learn and i get confused... ) then i opened my mouth and all inside it and my throat was covered of pimples with pus too.... Candidiasis. Then i woke up. Uff... what a nightmare... both Chlamydia and Candidiasis are some of the OI (Opportunistic Infections) common in Hiv+ people while turning to be diagnosed with AIDS (as a result of the advanced state of the Hiv infection).

Good to tell you that Chlamydia and Candidiasis are NOT ONLY present in people with Hiv+, in fact there are several ways to get them. Although they hit us harder cause our immune system is being suppressed by HIV virus. Also despite these are mostly genital illness...they can cover other parts of the body (throat, etc) in the case of people living with hiv and with low defences.

The biggest fight against Hiv... starts in our own mind. And God knows it is not an easy game .....

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi, free day today isn't it good?

I was thinking in going early to the hospital to request my prescriptions (vitamins and some dermatological pills) but i could not, i got over slept. Since yesterday i am feeling extremely tired. It is not just tired... i do mean EXTREMELY TIRED, like if a truck would have past over me. It is hard to define but believe me, once you feel it... you know it is not normal... it is HIV. Then i realised I had to claim some prescriptions from my last appointment with Dr (i did same day but social security hospital didn't have them that day).

As i am not under ARV meds yet, i am put under vitamins, lot of C vitamin and all the possible B's (b1, b2, b3 and so on). I never knew if they were really working on me, cause i was feeling alright. Now i think the vitamins might have been those that opened my appetite so i re gained weight and rosed my mood after my seroconversion, i got rid of vitamins last week (i had some of my first prescription). So, the goal is... i need vitamins.

I went to social security hospital and from 4 prescription i had to claim, they delivered to me only ONE, aren't they bullshit? It is been 20 days since my Dr appointment and they still don't have the meds i needed. Assholes!!!. I heard they said that by June 4th they might have them. I need vitamins soon anyways, luckily my sister gave a emulsion of Scott in flavour of orange. It is vitamins too, and it seems it does not taste so bad (according to what my niece said to me).

Spent the day playing football with my older niece and in the park with the youngest one. I love them!!! They were calling me and the youngest was saying to me "uncle park, go park!!" She is so cute, she is just 2 years old but is soooo smart.... i know all uncles say the same but believe me, i do believe these girls have good brains .

I watched star wars film (again) on Tv cable, what a great movie. Today was Rosa's birthday, a co worker. I called her and it wished her good day. In the early night something happened that almost ruined my night. A client called me screaming, accusing me of being a bad salesman, and complaining about a service i sold to them in December 2006 (fucking December huh?). They signed a contract for some service with a basic cost but i told them that if they over passed the limits of this basic usage of the service the bill would increase. Aha, the silly have a big bill right now. And off course i had to hear her, and all that, i even made a phone conference with my boss cause i know she had had such cases with some of her clients and even asked my boss to say something to the client.... and what she did?? NOTHING The bitch remained silent (sorry Shirley but you behaved like a bitch). So... as i am not in my days of letting others scream and accuse me .... i reacted. I had not fault, i explained everything to them and i don't need this girl calling me to my mobile 7pm screaming and complaining to me in my free day. The client said something like "Mr Calderon if you are a gentleman you should remain quite and ....." and I answered "I am a gentleman but i won't stand your accusations about this". I tried to make my point, and to explain her about HER mistake. She hanged up. And when i was about to hang up too when my boss said "is the client already gone?" (fucking coward bitch). She told me that i should not discuss with clients, perhaps she is right but come on... i had no fault, i didn't need to accept something i didn't do. Then i just realised my boss told the client before she calls me some stupid excuses that client used against me while complaining... "oh really, well we usually recommend our clients this other service more than the one you bought" so the client told me "you are a bad salesman, cause in your office they told me this other service is better". When i knew this i wanted to kick Shirley's ass.... but my mother told me to calm down, she is the boss after all. Also, i have to underline that i presented all possible options to clients, and if they choose the cheapest (as usual) i always warn them about the extra costs if they don't watch out their consume.

And it ruined the next following two hours of my life.... i was never good at failures. I was growth to do things right, without failures, mother was perfectionist so we both (sister and me) became perfectionist too. I think that is fine, cause it helps you to make things better and put your whole life in what you do, something that is not common nowadays, but the bitter part of it... is that when someone says "you failed". It puts you down.... and yes... even now.... i am not used to fail. And i don't like it...i guess that's why i didn't let myself "fail completely" with Hiv. I was taught to do things well, or repeat them if they were wrong. I guess it saved my life after all.

This incident was getting me angry and frustrated during the next two hours, until my mother said "hey.... what is in the past, is in the past" (looks like she uses my words sometimes huh?). And yes... that must be in the past, i know that tomorrow or next week this girl will go to the store and complain and scream and all that... but in that time i will see how to react, so far i don't think i will accept the guilty for some mistake that is no mine.

Ok, so as i know some of you are about to become Artem's fans, he sent me some other pics. Enjoy!

Labels: New life, same illness

Ok, today i wanted to say two things... today we had a long talk with my sister... a lot about my condition, my current status, and more. She told me she also had a friend of her living with Hiv, so she is talking with both of us to understand this more and see how she can help. Slowly our relationship is getting closer... we didn't really spoke much, cause well... we never really spent much time together years before, then she got married and well... The good part is that now we are trying to get together again . After our talk there was something she told me.. that left me thinking.. "do you think you are doing enough about hiv prevention and advocacy? don't you think you are treating it too superficially? just like talking about it but without showing or sharing scientific facts about it". Mmm... well... i think i am doing the most i can to bring the hiv topic on the table... and much more important on the heart of as many people as i can. Not much sure of what else i need to do in fact i think i am doing more than what normal people would do after diagnosed..... her words left me thinking..

Ok the other thing i will do tonight is to share with you a gift. It happens that when i was living in Moscow i made lot of friends, some of those i still keep in contact. One of my good friends is Artem Senikovsky, an amateur singer, model, song writer and actor who lives in Moscow. Oh yeah... i do know some people from "Da Business!". So this is something that will kill all the girls (and some guys too) LOL... here are some pics of Artem (and yes... you can click on them to make them bigger..LOL).

Aha, i can hear you all screaming and getting shocked by his smile and green eyes.

Don't worry, it is normal thing for him. LOL. I still remember when I introduced Artem to Monica Thakker, from India (One of my Russian MC team members) and she was.... astonished... and told me.. "man... did you see those eyes????????". Yeah, he is my friend and i agree that his eyes could kill someone one day LOL.

The thing is that Artem is writing and recording some songs now, some songs he had written by himself, and he just sent me one... that is AMAZING, so i decided i would do something good and share it with you. Artem is a very talented guy with a great voice and despite his usual work as a model he also appeared on a Russian soup opera last year. So... go download the song called "remember that i will remember you" (right click and then save target as) (mp3 / size 4.10MB) and discover the New Russian Idol!!! Artem, your song is awesome as usual... send you big hugs from Latin America while thank you for our everlasting friendship . poka!

Labels: New life, Personal, Poems

I got an email from about an article posted in a newspaper in Ukraine, from my very good friend Marina Malkina (Ex-MCP of AIESEC in Ukrain). This story is a bit not too short... but really worth reading. Marina, thank you for sharing this great article with me... it helped me a lot. . JuanCa

---------------

Battling the Lion: Vanquishing Fear and Choosing Life After Being Diagnosed with HIV/AIDS

By Vira Illiash

We stood by the front entrance of a Kiev hotel and talked about life and death. A ventilation unit roared somewhere nearby, blasting hot air right in our faces. Then suddenly it shut down and the icy February air quickly crept in through the crystal cold windowpanes stinging us with frigid drafts. We both started to shiver. Paying no attention, he continued to speak and I to listen. I would have been ashamed to suggest that we find another place to talk. It would have sounded pathetic because at that moment he was telling me about how to be strong.

"If you meet a lion face-to-face, you can run away and feel your terror grow by the second as you anticipate that he will overtake you and tear you to pieces with his teeth. Giving in to that fear, however, means death. But if you stand and fearlessly look him in the eye, the lion will not touch you. You may not ever free yourself from him and become entirely safe but, by killing the fear in yourself, you can hold death at bay," he said simply and with confidence. He was talking about how he lives with HIV/AIDS.

Carlos Cordero is a handsome Puerto Rican who came to the United States at the age of 17 and realized the American Dream by becoming a model for the international fashion powerhouses of Armani and Ralph Lauren, as well as the face of Pepsi. He is also one of the few lucky people to spin the wheel of fortune and become a real-life lottery winner. But Cordero gave up that glittering world of tinseled beauty and became a healer of hearts for outcasts who have no hope of salvation. He still travels the world and puts himself on display as he did during the years he spent on the runway posing for the cameras, but now the ethereal fantasy of beauty has faded. What is important to him now is dispelling the myth of death that surrounds AIDS. What is important is demonstrating the miracles created by antiretroviral therapy. What is important is inspiring people by speaking openly about his life and his experiences. And what is very, very important is not to be afraid of His Majesty AIDS, who is rivaled in power only by his constant companion-omnipresent and boundless fear.

Cordero's story is commonplace, yet unique. The path that led him to HIV is a familiar one to many people living with this virus, but the road he chose since being diagnosed is unusual because it is full of life and light.

HIV came into Cordero's life through a stormy, short love affair that left nothing more than the virus in its wake. He found out he was infected in October 1992, a few months after breaking up with his lover. "That was one of the most sobering moments of my life. I went out onto the street and didn't know where to go. My thoughts rushed around, trying to break through the fear and despair. The only thing I was thinking about at that moment was whom I would tell and whom I wouldn't tell, but suddenly I understood that hiding it was no way out. I decided to tell all my friends and acquaintances without exception and to stick with the ones who would really support me." As he said this, he looked me straight in the eye and I understood that he was speaking in the broadest sense. He was talking about genuine relationships of the sort many of us seek in life and about openness, which is one of the ways to find them.

Many people turned away, he admitted. Most of them, in fact. But the ones who remained were those whose support and caring for him knew no bounds and needed no justification. It was their love and succor that paved the way for his decision to close the door on fear and embark on the pathway to life.

"I decided to follow through no matter what the consequences. It was November, shortly before Thanksgiving. I decided to go and visit my family in Puerto Rico and tell them that I was sick. I hadn't seen them in 14 years. My friends tried to convince me not to go, but I don't regret it in the least." His words sank into my mind and I thought about how we often keep quiet about things that bother us only because we are afraid of the moment of truth. But how does a fleeting moment of discomfiture or even shock compare with the constant pain and embarrassment brought on by stigmatization and fear? He read my thoughts and added: "If my grandmother had had a stroke, it would not have been because I am sick, but because she has high blood pressure." That sounded harsh, but I realized he was right. Silence is an invisible shell of lies that cannot last forever. Sooner or later it will be penetrated by a cry of despair and reproach and it doesn't matter whose cry it is-the person who was keeping silent or the one that silence was supposed to be protecting. That is when things get really painful.

Cordero went on with his story, his words pulling my thoughts back to the present. "All the members of my large family from my grandmothers to my little nieces and nephews gathered for Thanksgiving. I told them that I wanted to know how they relate to me here and now not when I'm dying and see their faces distorted with pity. My being so direct and firm about this gave them confidence that I would not give up and that they should follow my example. I had always had fairly difficult relations with my family, but at that moment the invisible wall that had divided us all those years came crashing down and we all became much closer."

Four years later, Cordero was already very sick. At that time, there were no effective drugs to treat AIDS and death was the logical outcome of the disease. "In May of 1996, I was sitting in a wheelchair certain that I would not last past August. I had a whole array of diseases. I couldn't walk and I had to have food delivered to my apartment. Then suddenly I got a call from the Olympic Committee in Atlanta offering me a job. I had applied a year earlier, when I was still on my feet. I had always dreamed of working at an Olympics." Because of his language skills-he speaks English, French, German, and Danish in addition to his native Spanish-the job offer was for the position of translation manager for water sports. "They were talking to me on the phone and I was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking with horror that my lifelong dream would not come true. But then I asked when the Olympics would begin and they said in July. I thought: there's still time and I took the job without knowing why I did it." He smiled, remembering the moment and I was surprised he looked so happy. Hearing what happened next, though, I understood why he did.

"After I hung up, I felt a surge of energy like I hadn't experienced in a long time. I started doing physical exercise, revised my diet, and changed my attitude toward medicines, telling myself that they were vitamins that would help me get back on my feet. Before that, I had seen them as poison, which sooner or later would kill me. I forced myself to believe that even if my life was going to end in August I would be living out my dream in July." It was clear from his tone that, for him, the word "living" had only one meaning. At such moments you realize the weight that words can have, how they perform differently in the complex arena of language when they come from the lips of one person or the next, and how their value is tempered by each individual situation. For Cordero, "living" meant to drink life in big gulps, tasting it like a fine wine, distinguishing one subtle element of its flavor from the next, and-most importantly-not to be alone, but to maintain contact with people and to be inspired from within.

I glanced around to see what was going on behind me, instinctively searching for signs of life from other people who went about their business outside the of our conversation. In the foyer, a handful of people were sitting on sofas in frozen poses while a TV blared over the bar. Behind me, a guard stood gloomily inspecting his walkie-talkie. I turned back and saw Cordero's pensive face. He continued his story: "After the Olympics, I went back to bed as if the spark inside me had died out. Lying there, I thought about what it was that had gotten me out of bed the month before. And suddenly I understood that it had not been the medicines or the healthy eating, but rather my desire to see the next day. I needed to have a goal to work for. I had to see something in front of me, something that would make me want to get up in the morning. That was the day I realized that this was the prescription for bringing myself back to life."

As I listened, the thought suddenly occurred to me that there was a pure and simple truth in his words, some idea that had always existed in the back of my mind, but never found its way to the forefront where I could give it my full attention. While I was thinking about why this might be, he said: "During all my years in modeling I was the incarnation of many people's fantasies. They liked how I looked and how I dressed. They judged me from the outside, which showed very little of who I really was. But I always wanted people to like me for myself, for who I am on the inside as an individual. I always wanted to do something for people, for their souls, and their lives." He said this with such passion that for a moment I envied him his illness realizing that it was the dreaded virus that had given him back such a crystalline understanding of authentic values as well as the opportunity to turn his life around.

Gradually, by trial and error Cordero began to understand that he could no longer sit on his hands waiting to die. As his disease developed, it pushed and prodded him along a different path, a path toward life. "At that time, I was diagnosed with cytomegalovirus as a result of my immune deficiency. This caused a premature development of retinitis-a disease that blinds a person in a number of months. The treatment that was recommended was the installation of a special port in my heart to deliver a medicine directly into my circulatory system that would prevent the development of this disease. This was a permanent treatment and I told my doctor I wasn't ready for it. He couldn't believe his ears, but I signed a written release and walked out of his office."

As soon as Cordero got home, he called a travel agency and bought a ticket for Paris. "Before losing my sight I wanted to imprint something very beautiful in my memory. I spent one week in Paris and tried not to think about anything other than the delight of what I was seeing. When I got back to, I took a flight home to Puerto Rico because I wanted to say good-bye to the scenes of my childhood, the ocean, and the sky. I spent a whole month on the beach. I swam and dived trying to memorize the beauty of the sea bottom and to say farewell forever to the fish and the crabs. When I returned to, I went straight to my ophthalmologist who examined my pupils, raised his brows in surprise, and said with some puzzlement, 'Carlos, I don't understand anything here…. Where did it go?' At that moment I felt that I had beaten the lion for a second time just by refusing to be afraid or to run away. I simply told the lion, 'You'll just have to wait because I have more important things to do.'"

We both laughed and I suddenly realized that I wasn't cold any more.

---

Seeking Treatment to Live Means Learning to Live with the Treatment

Cordero was one of the patients who took part in the testing of triple combination antiretroviral therapy in 1996. Before then only one or two regimens had been in use-the so-called mono- and -double therapy regimens. The advantage of triple therapy is that all three of the drugs the patient takes act in a variety of ways, suppressing the virus. This allows the immune system to be restored. The patient has to take the drugs all at the same time in order to keep the viral load to a minimum. So far, this remains the only treatment science has come up with. The medications do not cure AIDS, but they can enable people infected with HIV to lead a normal life. "I had many doubts about whether or not to take these drugs, but I chose to live and without them it would have been impossible to prolong my life." I know that many people living with HIV are afraid to begin taking drugs because they dread the side effects. That frightened me, too, because I had seen people who were on mono-therapy and they didn't look right-blue fingernails, blue lips, and hair falling out. But that was back in 1992. Science has advanced since then, and I hope I look healthier than the patients I just mentioned," he smiled, somewhat quizzically. I nodded in response, letting him know that he looked great. And so he did, with a muscular, well-built body clothed in a tight-fitting wool sweater and elegant jeans. He had a healthy color to his slightly dark complexion and a very calm, confident look in his nut-brown eyes. The thought crossed my mind that only models look like that.

Suddenly he pulled his passport out of his pocket, opened it to the picture page, and offered it to me. It looked to be the passport of a rather portly, 50-something man. I looked up at him in perplexity, not knowing what to think. Cordero laughed and flicked his finger first on the picture and then against his forehead. "That's me," he said, and, waving the passport as he put it away, added, "That's me with lipodystrophy-one of the side effects of antiretroviral therapy that I experienced when I first started taking the medications. I also went through many other unpleasant adventures, including shingles, a condition where you're always on the brink of shock from pain." For a second, his head sank back, but then he straightened abruptly as if he had cast off some weight and went on, "But all those unpleasant experiences had a positive side. They meant that the drugs were working. AIDS caused me to come down with several forms of cancer, but the antiretroviral drugs saved me again. One of the medicines in the triple combination regimen I take acts especially on atypical cells, blocking their development. So it comes down to what prospects you can see beyond the difficulties."

Obviously my face betrayed a certain bewilderment that he had seen before, because he nodded with understanding and asked: "Do you have roller-coasters in Ukraine, what they call 'Russian hills'?" "You mean the amusement-park ride?" I replied. "We have them, but we call them 'American hills'."

"Everything depends on how you look at it, he said, and we laughed at his joke, but then he continued the thought. "So, there are two ways to ride them. The first is to grab the rail and try to hold on with all your might for the whole ride. The second approach is to raise your arms in the air and just feel all the twists and turns of the track. Doing it the first way, you can get a hernia. The other way, you just delight in experiencing those moments. But the ride is the same. It has all the same sharp turns and headfirst downward drops. Life with AIDS is the same. The disease is there, with its complications and unpleasant sensations, but a person's quality of life depends on him alone. If he takes ART, he can control it. He can live! And all of these trials just help you understand how to act in order to deal with them."

Suddenly I thought of a superhuman. Maybe the person in front of me was a modern Zarathustra, who had gone through serious testing, overcome human weaknesses, and achieved spiritual freedom. I don't know about that, but his attitude toward his disease was clearly something unrealistic for ordinary human beings. Not only because he had been able to survive all of this, but also because he knew exactly how and did it.

Cordero had explicitly decided to raise his arms in the air and do everything he could to "enjoy" a ride. For this purpose he has created his own philosophy of life with AIDS, which from the outside appears quite simple. He adheres very strictly to his drug regimen, does physical exercises every day, eats vitamin-rich food, and does what he likes. "When you're doing something that brings you pleasure, you get a bigger dose of positive energy-healing energy. I finally found something that gets me up in the morning, and that is my work." And, there is a story to that part of this unique man's life as well.

"When I was already seriously ill, I won a fairly large amount of money in the lottery. I wasn't in the mood to have a good time just then, but nevertheless I decided to fulfill my dream and see the world. To tell you the truth, I'm only now beginning to understand how limited my world was at that time," he shrugged. "Once when I was in Morocco, I suddenly felt as if I were doing something wrong. I felt as if all the good times and night life were laying waste to my soul when what I really wanted was to find something that brought me fulfillment. It was then that I decided to go alone into the desert that divides the southern part of the country from Mauritania and to think about what was tormenting me. I was completely alone in the midst of absolute poverty and destitution and suddenly I realized that I wanted to help these people."

The next stop on Cordero's tour was. Arriving there he went straight to the regional office of Doctors Without Borders, which runs various medical programs in more than 80 countries worldwide. By that time, he already had a fair amount of experience with HIV/AIDS-associated opportunistic infections and he knew the principles of how antiretroviral drugs work and their side effects as well as any doctor did. What's more, he had his precious philosophy of life in his pocket, so he offered his services. "They asked me what my field of medical specialization was. I replied that I was a patient who could discuss first-hand the nature and the symptoms of this disease and how to live with it. When they told me that they didn't have such a program, I asked them to create one."

From that fateful conversation in, a new journey began. Congo, Ethiopia, Uganda, Zambia -Cordero's world started to expand as he traveled through these sub-Saharan African countries that have been wracked by the epidemic. This part of Africa has just more than 10 percent of the world's population, but is home to more than 60 percent of all people living with HIV. Eleven million people there have died of AIDS, a many of them women and children.

Several years ago, many developing countries that were hardest hit by the HIV/AIDS epidemic and struggling against failing economies to provide treatment to their citizens received assistance from international donors for the purchase of antiretroviral drugs. The availability of these medicines brought with it the need for qualified specialists with experience in treating and caring for people living with HIV. Cordero became one of the few missionaries to offer his services to the medical professionals in those countries and bring light into the life of many families exhausted by the deaths of those near and dear to them, while at the same time coping with the fear of losing their own lives. "I go to places where AIDS is taking away more lives than all other diseases combined, to places where people had never known that it was possible to live with this virus and had never heard about treatment options. For them, AIDS means only one thing: death. I meet these people and tell them about the opportunities antiretroviral therapy offers, about how if you take it you can come back to life, go to work, give birth to healthy children, and plan for life in the future instead of your funeral. I teach them how to take the drugs properly and how to combat complications and they tell me their stories," he smiled, looking through me to some other place, evidently remembering each person who touched his life just as surely as he had touched theirs. His eyes began to moisten, filling with the sparkle of poignant tears and I felt grateful that the person standing in front of me was so extraordinarily authentic.

During that pause, I recalled the film he had shown me the day before our conversation. Cordero made the short movie in Congo where HIV is transmitted chiefly by sexual contact. It showed young girls with shaved heads, dressed like boys. According to him, this disguise was to protect them from being raped on the street. The gaunt faces of men stared into the camera and brightly dressed women shot timid smiles in his direction as he filmed them going about their day-to-day activities. Many of these women never experience sexual pleasure because they undergo female circumcision immediately after birth. As a result of this painful procedure and age-old cultural practice, sexual intercourse brings them more pain and much bleeding, which indicates successful completion of the sex act. Because of such practices, HIV is spreading in Uganda with unprecedented speed. The film showed the abject poverty of the slums where these people live before finally focusing on a modest health station constructed of bamboo. This is where the local inhabitants had gathered to listen to Cordero's story. Many of them were smiling and the men somewhat awkwardly embraced their women. I remembered Cordero commenting to me at that point that he asks them to do that more often because such displays of affection are not generally accepted in Congo. He also told me that people there rarely kiss.

Cordero has been working in these countries for three years now and he and his colleagues have achieved good results in patient adherence to ART, which is the most important factor in the therapy's efficacy. If a person takes the drugs improperly, his body can develop resistance to them and they become impotent against the virus. To prevent the development of a drug-resistant virus, the patient must take the medicines at the exact same time every day with very little deviation from the schedule. Adherence needs to be at least 95 percent but, to achieve this, the patient needs to know everything about his disease, the drugs, and himself. Cordero is convinced that those three basic principles should define the rules that govern the lives of people taking these drugs. "We were able to achieve 100 percent adherence to therapy in Ethiopia and 97 percent in other countries. But, unfortunately, nobody was interested in our results. So I decided that I myself should take part in various NGO projects so I could help people living with HIV change their quality of life for the better."

It was this desire that brought him to Kiev at the end of the fierce Ukrainian winter. By that time, revolutionary passions had cooled in Ukraine and time-like the Dnieper

River -seemed frozen by the silent expectation of approaching changes. Everybody was waiting together, but each dreamed about something deeply personal. The 400,000 Ukrainians living with HIV were certainly dreaming that some attention would be paid to their needs. AIDS specialists were dreaming about the same thing.

Ukraine had finally purchased a large shipment of antiretroviral drugs in August 2004 thanks to a grant from the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria. Before that acquisition, only a few hundred people in the entire country had received treatment, though thousands needed it. With the availability of the drugs, however, came many new problems-particularly those stemming from medical specialists' lack of knowledge about treatment, care, and support of HIV-positive people. But this was not a problem for clinicians alone. Like the virus itself, the process of treating HIV/AIDS is complex and multifaceted, which necessitates a team approach to care. In countries with greater experience treating people living with HIV/AIDS, the care team includes a doctor, nurse, and social worker, along with additional specialists and allied support as needed. Such a system does not yet exist in Ukraine, although medical professionals and representatives from public HIV-service organizations are trying to develop one based on foreign experience in collaboration with international organizations.

The AIHA is one of the international organizations that is working with Ukrainian specialists to teach them the basics of ART. For this purpose, in March 2004, AIHA, in close cooperation with WHO's Regional Office for Europe and Deutsche Gese llschaft für Technische Zusammenarbeit (GTZ), openedthe Regional Knowledge Hub for the Care and Treatment of HIV/AIDS in Eurasia. The Hub brings in specialists with extensive clinical and teaching experience from Europe and America to share their knowledge and expertise with local caregivers. Cordero was asked to take part in one of its workshops. He worked with individuals from public HIV-service organizations who provide psychological and social support to AIDS

Center patients in six of Ukraine's largest regions. Most of these patients are HIV-positive. Before medicines became available, each of these individuals was fighting for his life while walking a virtual tightrope between the devastating stigma and discrimination commonly doled out to people living with disease by society at large and the government's indifference to their plight. It was a gloomy half-life with very little hope for treatment let alone a future, nevertheless they stood up for their rights, creating the public organizations that are now the only source of social and legal support for HIV-infected Ukrainians.

Attending the lectures Cordero gave these people, I saw how his words-and especially his energy-has the power to change them. I watched their pessimism evaporate and their eyes catch fire, kindled by his spirit. And, I saw the lion depart, growling in annoyance as it was vanquished by their renewed hope and faith in the future.

"Adherence to therapy is impossible without social and psychological support. If the government cannot provide this help, keep doing it yourselves. Don't wait for somebody to help you!" he said heatedly, taking leave of his Ukrainian colleagues. "Your patients' needs do not depend on the government's financial capabilities. You have to give them knowledge and teach them to observe the three basic principles: adherence, a healthy lifestyle, and positive thinking. Before there was any therapy, we used to be called people with HIV. Now we have become people living with HIV. The significance of that one word is life-and that's a very big difference."

Those words reverberated in my head as I left the hotel. There was a bone-piercing February frost outside and the cold winter sky, illuminated by the city lights, hung low overhead. It seemed as if I had just been somewhere on another planet where the sun shines brightly and people know how to value what most of us on Earth do not.

"And what is it, really, that keeps us from living?" the words of Remarque's character from his "Three Comaraderies" came to my mind: "Nothing at all!" With genuine amazement, I thought to myself, "Nothing... you just have to be able to do it." With that discovery, I went back to my ordinary life wondering how there was nothing more to add to this thought of mine

Labels: New life, same illness

Well i know i usually blog at nights, but i just read this and i had to post it. Following graph shows the life expectancy and infection progression in someone who is Hiv+ according to Wiki pedia.I don't know the exact source, but i got this pic from the this threat at Poz Forums. And same the person asking about it said... i dislike the word death.(you can click on the pic to see it bigger)

I hate when i see this things published... i mean... do i really need someone forecasting my death time? do i really look like that?. I got disturbed, then i read the answers of this threat, here there are some:

As MtD points out, every living thing's "life chart" is going to end in death. That's a chart showing untreated HIV progression, right? So we have treatments, that will extend that. Even if there was a cure tomorrow, we're still all going to die sometime. Northern guy

Just curious, where did you get that graph and what year is that data based on? On a lighter note, how come my graph doesn't look like that? LOL I didn't get any of that nice "latency" period, my OI came way too early, and I've already missed my death (by that chart) by a couple of years. Leatherman

I wouldn't fret over the chart. It's just showing the average progression of the disease WITHOUT treatment. We all know some progress much faster, and some it takes much longer without meds. You can't sugarcoat the progression of the disease sans meds. It's a good reminder to keep on top of your health and take a serious look at starting meds when the time is right -- because the progression is what is if you don't get treatment.Strong guy

HIV is not what kills us. It's what follows in the footsteps of HIV that puts the damper on everything. With the meds we have now more than likely you will live out your life span. I won't say normal, but you'll get as OLD or Older than most of us. Rapid Rod

This is just the natural course of HIV - the aim is to take drugs before the viral spike at the end of the graph, and the crash in CD4s. I don't think it's news to anybody that uncontrolled HIV infection will kill you right? So lets control it - I personally think life expectancy is gradually reaching the levels of the general population. My favourite study on life expectancy said that an HIV+ person diagnosed at 25 looses about 11 years of life compared with his HIV- counterpart. On current drugs. Who would have thought that 10 years ago? Something is going to kill you. Personally I don't believe I'm going to die from HIV or the drugs used to treat it. But I maybe wrong.Matt Mee

Just so you know most universities including mine will not allow you to use sources from wikipedia due to there high rate of being unreliable. I'm pretty sure that chart is about right for someone not on treatment but for most of us with access to decent treatment its irrelevant. puertorico2006

Hmmm ... Wackypedia eh? I went 12 years without meds before HIV hijacked me, but everybody's different - a fact that chart doesn't seem to take into account. I will eventually die (who won't) but I won't be doing that on anybody's predicted schedule. I'm here today so I live today. After all, tomorrow I might wake up dead and then it'll be too late. You get my meaning I'm sure. Daniel

It's a statistical average. HIV disease progression has an enormous variance. I was obsessed and the more I read the more frustrated i became about the inability to accurately predict progression. Any statistics are pretty much useless on a case to case basis for predicting outcomes. My labs are great today. They tell me nothing about my labs 2 yrs from now with any kind of certainty. As to dieing. my mom had 5 miscarriages before i was born and was told not to get pregnant again 2 months into her pregnancy with me. Predictions of my mortality predate my birth. Screw Dieing. i am the pitbull, HIV is the bull. From addiction issues. depression, sexuality issues there hasn't been a bull I couldn't wrestle too the ground yet. If HIV kills me it won't be because i surrendered and stopped living and started dieing. I plan on living till the day i die...screw dieing...and yeah i say that with outrage at the prospect that some protein encased strands of RNA will ever run my life. I have HIV it doesn't have me....at least today planonstaying

And yes, i am not planning to die anytime soon!! JuanCa

Labels: New life, same illness

On Sunday, Diana Patricia and me went to Maac Cinema to watch some documentals, in fact we though it would be about "Alfaro Vive Carajo", an old terrorist group that stoped working in Ecuador when i was a child, but we had had the wrong information, and ended up seen two other documentals, one called "The big lie" and the other called "Do luto a luta". Which means from grief to struggle.

It is a movie done by Evaldo Mocarzel, a brazilian film maker who has a daughter with Down Syndrome. The whole movie shows the human impact for parents when they realise they are to growth a special child. The difficulties in finding highschools to accept those childs, eventhough it is known by now that any special child can adapt and study in any normal school. Down Syndrome children can adapt to any environment, they just do it a bit slower that the rest of kids.

It was a hit, and the movie really touched me, cause in some parts ... parents of kids with down syndrome feel a big lost... somehow similar to the lost hiv diagnosed people feel. I related to them...

It helped me to understand we are not alone, and that my problems are not the only troubles in the world... i might face a hard time right now... but i am not the only one. And it does not mean i should feel better because of it, but it means... I HAVE TO HELP OTHERS more than just worry about me. It was a great movie... amazing and it is amazing how some of these people, even after knowing they are diagnosed with this... still say "I can do everything, everything by myself... i just do it slower".

You can find a review about the film here

Sunday was nice and i had a fight at work on Monday, there are some useless people one should kick their asses from time to time and be straight forward to them... so i did. Now that i am ill i find no reason to keep my thoughts inside of me... off course i am still diplomatic (sometimes).. but if someone is pissing me off... i say it. isn't it how it should be?.

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi, as you all may have noticed, i did a big update on my blog, changing the whole layout. I wanted to make it more personal, so after spending over 8h (and i am not exaggerating) surfing different sites and trying to find a template that would fit with my idea .... i just decided to modify a template i was about choose, i decided to change the background picture and put mine :) (nothing more personal than that huh?). If you are reading this post it means i am done with the update... finally... it was sort of hard stuff, specially if you have to know something about xml programming (my programming skills go just until html) so i have been guessing how to make this place a place i like since now and on. I hope you like it

So, going back to the second part of the update... man.... and girl.... sit down. First, what i will tell you is a bit wild, so i hope you are above 18 years old and not easily disturbed... otherwise... don't read.

On Saturday i was alone at home and bored, the going out with Diana Patricia was moved for Sunday and i had the whole Saturday alone... and free. So i decided i wanted to see what Javico was doing, i assumed he would go to the support group we visited the other day. I asked him to invite me there too. Why? well... i know i didn't have such a good image from them but i had nothing better to do ... so.. there i went. I asked Javico what was the session of Saturday about and he told me "the right usage of condom". I really didn't think about anything wrong.. i mean it is good topic, in fact i am good condom user, so i didn't expect it to be interesting but anyways i had nothing to do. Aha, and i am not here because i didn't know how to use condom... i know how to use it properly, i just didn't. That's why i am here.

So i arrived a bit late, session didn't start and find a free chair, some new faces... none really interesting, it was cool to see Eduardo (the transsexual guy) again. First they started with the introductions, one of the members of the group was ill, she was in a hospital during two days this week, but she was sort of better now... i though "when will be my day of being in hospital bed? and how often will that happen....." I guess none knows... i have never been in a hospital bed for more than one hour.. and i hope that won't change. Then it came my turn, and i hate they always ask me to go and seat in front of everyone... i feel like if i were guilty of something and would be in a trial. Well,.. i made remix of my last days, the words of my mom, the results of my CD4, the meeting with Diana Patricia, the message from Cecilia, i talked about all. And they got shocked about my CD4 :( ... i mean for a normal aids/hiv living people the normal CD4 is around 300 to 350 (which is way low than 500, the minimum of a non infected person) and for some reason that i still don't discover.. it is very hard for them here (and internationally) to take those numbers higher. If you are around 400 you are so good in their point of view... but if you are almost 500 (like me) i think they were... amazed and felt envy. I don't say it in a wrong way, when i was diagnosed i also felt envy of any healthy looser i found on the street... didn't matter if the person was an ashole or not... when i got ill i saw everybody had something i didn't have... good health. So i understand why when i said my CD4 numbers the gossips and rumours were evident, i felt like i gave them bad news... which was not my intention.

They asked me about my Viral Load (another test that counts the amount of copies of Hiv virus in blood) but i told them i don't have it cause Social Security here does not cover it and it is very expensive (between 120 USD to 150 USD) and off course i cannot afford it. The leader of the group (a guy who was not there last time) started to talk to me about the need of the viral load and that i might be ill in fact.. despite my numbers...but i am sorry, i am totally ok. And as i knew i know more than they about Hiv... i used it. I made my whole explanation on why i don't need the viral load test so urgent and saying truth... i left them with the mouth wide open... imagine.. a two months diagnosed kicking the ass of the leader of the support group.... i guess i was not much popular in that moment. I think i seemed a bit snobbish... which i am conscious.. but i was not really up to let someone with less knowledge than me to tell me how to handle my virus.. my virus is mine and i know it well.

The last person introducing herself was a black woman, young girl, who was infected and not in meds yet. She had been diagnosed 5 months ago. And she looks fine, really fine... but she is having a hard time to handle her emotions, she is a mother of two sons and she is having troubles cause she lives with the family of her husband... and i don't know what happen to him cause she never mentioned it. We were trying to talk to her and give her motivation, but she feels just tired and weak... might go for pills against anxiety, which is not bad... but not the best way to live. Still with it, it is sort of normal for a good share of people living with Hiv, the fact of being infected hits them so hard.. that some of them spend years and years in the strange earth of sedatives. It makes their reality a bit softer and easier to handle... I guess once facing this we all have the right to decide how to handle it, i could have gone for sedatives, you know my state of mind... and you have read about everything passing through my mind... i could have also chosen suicide.... and believe me, i don't advice it to anyone.. but if someone who is poz decides to pursue that path... i won't blame him/her... i will try with all my streght to convince this person not to do it, but if at the end i cannot... then fine. We all have the right to handle pain and life the way we want to. I tried to advice that black woman to go looking for counselling... but she didn't pay me much attention, nor anyone else there... for some strange reason most of the activist do not believe in counselling. I still don't know why.

Then the big thing started, Tito was the speaker of the session, gay, a bit feminine, poz guy, around 30 to 35, is member of the coalition of people living with hiv/aids and according to what i heard... he is good in delivering this type of sessions. The first thing he said was: "Lets make this a session with a good level, nothing vulgar, so we will not use slang words for penis, anus and vagina... we will call them with their proper names, alright?". Alright - I though, it makes sense. he started his power point... showing a pic similar to ... this.... (an almost naked male stripper)

And he asked to everybody "when you see that picture, what do you think? what do you feel?". I though... "???????????". Off course i am not saint nor naive, but i just didn't get the idea of that pic. Until someone answered "Sex!!". And Tito, the speaker, replied "yes, sex cause we are all sexual beings and feel the desire of doing it despite our current condition, that's why it is important to learn how to play safe". That makes sense - I though, so i guess... the usage of explicit images was ...ok. Few i knew of what was coming next..... I have to say that to be sincere, it is the first session i receive about safe sex, all the others i have learnt by reading, and watching movies (eventough i am not sure one can learn to have safe sex there) so this was my real real real first safe sex "training" still with it, i though i knew it all.... then i remembered... "there should be a reason why i am seating here today....." and that reason was not my wisdom about this topic specifically.

Then, he started to ask about the difference between safe sex and protected sex, something i don't think he explained clearly, but it was something like safe sex is when you don't have sexual intercourse, and protected sex is when the intercourse happens with protection. I am not sure, but i think it is opposite way... He was then asking about if to kiss someone was risky, or if to suck "tits" was risky (tits = teta). And i put this face.. (i am taking pics of me right now to help you understand how i was reacting). I mean... i don't know... tits or teta in spanish is not so... "users friendly" so i was thinking i was hearing him bad. Then he started to talk about hiv transmission by women milks and so on... so that was scientific and proved until he started to say that transsexuals also produce a sort of milk from their "tits". Then i tough... "WHAT???!!!... what is this man talking about???". I looked at Eduardo and he was surprised.. but ended up astonished and with his mouth wide opened when the speaker said "and they even emanate pus from their tits!!". His body jumped from the chair.....in shock and he looked like.."i can't believe this". And i knew there was something wrong... come on.... don't be silly nor naive you all reading this... how can a transsexual produce milk???? and how can a transsexual emanate pus from his tits just like that... IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!!!. You only emanate pus when you are infected (a nail, or a finger or something... ) but you don't emanate pus out of nothing.. come on.... he was talking bullshit. So i asked: "how can a transsexual produce milk if they don't have the glands needed for that? and how can they produce pus out of nothing if it is a sign of body infection (and it is NOT related to hiv at all)?". A sort of long fight started he saying yes, i saying no... come on... don't be silly... such bullshit does not happen. Then Eduardo (the one who knew more than anyone else about this) said: "Ok, i am transsexual... i have breast because i used hormons, so i understand what you (Tito) are trying to say but it is not all right. I do emanate some liquid from my breast... but it is not milk and cannot be considered like that cause i could not feed a baby... plus, i have never ever had pus... so that does not happen." Eduardo had talked to a Dr about this before and Dr said that due to the hormons his body was functioning in a different way, but it was nothing bad, it was normal but it was not totally as Tito said. My face was like this.... ASTONISHED AND SHOCKED. .... Oh my God.

Then he was asking also about some games, preliminary games that couples usually have and if that is safe or not... and he asked if "having your vagina or your anus rubbed by someone is safe or not?" And someone answered "that's not even sex". And he... did.... it.... HE TOUCHED HIS VAGINA AND HIS ANUS IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY and asked again "you mean it if someone rubs my vagina and my anus it is not part of sex?? it is, as part of the preliminary sex previous intercourse". And my face was like this...

He was touching his vagina and anus in front of EVERYBODY!. I mean.. off course he is gay, he has no vagina.. but he was so graphic that i just could not believe it. Again i am not a saint, but come on... i just didn't expect so many visual aids in the session.

He kept on talking and we reached the point of oral sex... he was still making signs with his hands... you know what i mean... i couldn't believe it.... by this moment i was altered... my body was shaking... and i was having a mixture of shock, shame, fear....and big huge desire to laugh....i don't know... i mean it was not appropriated what he was doing but it seemed so funny to me that i had to help myself not to roll on the floor laughing and i was looking at everybody's faces to see if i was the only one in shock... and well... it seems i was.... or they are very good actors. Come on guys, if you go and face something like that... i am more than sure you would react same i did. We are just not used to. The oral sex thing was another fight... he said it was not safe to do or receive oral sex without condom,.... and i refused. I said he was wrong, because i read here and here that risk of Hiv transmission through oral sex is just theorical but have never ever been proved not found. So real risk is zero. Off course he disagree.. and it was taking and giving opinions, logical arguments, and so on... and all the rest of the public were looking at me like "???". I guess none dares to challenge a teacher while giving classes huh? I used to be like that.. but now i am not. Well... he was stubborn... so i am, and after fights and discussions and so on.. he finally asked me "well will you use condom for oral sex or not?" and i replied "NO.". And everybody was astonished looking at me like "OH GOD!! You are going to kill somebody!!!!". Silly people... it is well said that i cannot transmit hiv if someone does oral sex to me, if i would have any other sexual transmitted disease it would be risky but as it was recently tested.. i am clean. So i don't need to wear a condom.... plus it is not pleasant. I would rather not have oral sex then.

Well.. finishing that part of the fight, mmm sorry.. session, we all received condoms and he was explaining on how to use them and the importance of them, the materials and all that.. and then Tito said "Ok, lets practise". I though cool, he is going to bring a banana or something to practise... and he brought this...

That was a surprise... i mean i have seen those things before, but i just... never expected we ALL should practise with it.... so after explaining right way of put a condom he got everyone doing same this guy is doing in this pic

With the slight difference that Tito didn't place the dildo on a table.... but on his jeans. Aha, he meant to be funny... so he was calling people in pairs (man with man, girl with man, girl with girl) everybody mixed despite your real sexual orientation and made we all practise in front of everybody while the other person placed the dildo right between their legs. That was actually too much.... i exploded... started to laugh like crazy, shaking... moving and looking at everybody cause i didn't really believe this was happening... but they all were calmed... i was the only one... astonished. There was even some extra skills demonstration Javico had to do the "test" with another guy and Tito said this guy was an expert "putting the condon with his mouth...". OMG!! - I though. And off course, that guy offered to show to everybody how he did it to Javico. I actually got angry, Javico is my friend and i could see he was clearly... out of place. But got to manage it... and well... what could we do? it was part of the "training". Afterwards, as i was making noise, laughing, shaking and now even saying jokes loud!!! someone said to Tito... "lets call the newbie". ??? who me??? no no no no way!!!... Although i could not scape....and i had to do it to Tito (..... no comments... but there is a reason why i deleted my virtual pet called Tito from my website). I was trembling... but... i did it clean and fast... i am an advanced condoms user, i really can use them well, my problem is that sometimes i didn't use them. Something silly.. and not that funny... from all the people there, no girl could do the "test" right. Out of the fun, it means that none of them was ready to protect herself sexually. If they face a boyfriend who does not want to use condom... they are not ready to put it on him. Some of them said "but i never carry those, he is in charge....". And Tito replied... why do you deliver to others the responsibility for your well being? if it is you who has to know how to protect yourself". yeah well.. that also made sense. We ended up the session... i was sweat.... and i don't know i just could not stop laughing. While leaving i was talking to Javico and he told me "Hey you were shaking like a volcano near explosion... i was looking at you and you were moving and moving and looking at everybody like in shock... i was worried about you ;)"

Well... what can i say?... it was not the kind of training i expected... it was just... WAY too different. 2am here... and i still haven't told you what i did on sunday and today :) but that's going to be short.. the most crucial info have already been spread LOL!. See you tomorrow!!!

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi everybody, sorry for not coming during this weekend for updates, as some of you knew this past Friday i became 30 years old :) WooHooo!!!! Not bad huh?

i am very glad and excited about it, i mean one does not reach 30 years old everyday huh? i am very happy and optimistic about my future and comfortable with my life so far... there is still a long way in front of me and many different things to do, but well... i still have time to do it.

There are lot of things to tell you guys, but it is 1am and i have to work tomorrow at 8.30am so i cannot say all that's why i will only post half of the update, and the rest will come tomorrow... be ready for some ... shocking scenes, lol. But before that... lets compare... pic 1 me at 29 years old, pic 2 me at 30 years old. (i have the feeling that last one looks better LOL)

Well on Friday i spent time at work, everybody remembered about my birthday and they bought me a chocolate cake (big size) and almost everybody was there to sing and cheer up with me, i felt strange... cause.... truth is that i have almost never celebrated my birthday.... ???? ..... yes, it is true. i come from a non rich family so since i was a child my birthday was only good wishes and that's all, i remember when i was in high school i even forgot about when my birthday was... it was so meaningless... so i felt strange when they all celebrated it for me. I mean i don't regret about my childhood, it was fine, Mom had much things to care about being alone and with two children plus working and studying. She did a great job. It is just that now that they do celebrate it, it was just ... strange feeling for me.

I wasn't much comfortable with being the centre of attention, it was my first birthday celebrated in over 15 years.... so... i felt weird, but i tried to enjoy it, and with such a big chocolate cake... come on, that was easy :) ... pity it wasn't made of ice cream... I LOVE THOSE!!.

I had a good night and was happy... many people remembered about my birthday for some reason it was special.... specially because i so fucking bad remembering other's birthdays...... i always get confused between my sister's and mom's birthdays. Got phone call from Javico, from my sister Rosa (oldest sister from my father's first marriage). You might be guessing what happened with my father... he died 30 years ago. No problem, i didn't meet him. I hope he would have been proud of the man i am today... because i like myself. The small kid borned on may 18th 1977... evolved into a good human being (and very handsome LOL).

I spent the rest of the night on internet, downloading music videos (my new hobby). On Saturday i slept a lot damn... it is so fucking good to have a free weekend!!!! mmm as i have some time.. i should tell you about my shocking experience...mmm but it is 1.30am... no no no... sorry I'd rather tell you tomorrow i have few time to sleep and i would like to leave you with the good feeling i got from my birthday, be ready for tomorrow will be a wild... wild post... LOL.

Cheers, have a good night, Juan Ca

Labels: New life

Hi, i am actually feeling tired today.... so i will try to summarize this post....

first i talked to Diana Patricia today!!! She came back last week from Germany and we met today and were talking a lot, and eating shawarma and drinking coke we had so much fun today :) It feels great to be with someone who is not afraid of me, she hugged me and we had so much fun, just like always, like if nothing would have changed. I am so glad about it, that's what i call a real friend... the one who is always there and is not afraid of you.

Before that i had an strong discussion with my mother. yeah one more time... but this time was different... she exploded after all the pressure she has felt above her... (and because of not wanting to receive psychological help) she ended up saying me that she is totally disappointed about me and my life and the way it will end up. That she regrets to have invested so much time and money in supporting my AIESEC time and my University just to end the way i am ending now... and that if she would have known it would be like this before, she'd rather buy something to eat or to wear. Those were her almost exact words. So here i am... expecting not to be discriminated nor attacked by my own family... and i get it from the person i less expected. I argued... but then i just left.... i can't change how she feels right? plus at least she finally said the truth... i hate when others tell you they care about you and they don't.

I have came up with a decission... i won't let my mother know anything about my illness ANYMORE. She is not going with me to meet my Drs anymore, and if she dare to ask i won't answer her. If she is so disappointed i guess then i don't want to "ruin" her life more... so i will handle my life and my illness by myself, and she will not even know the day i die. It is my life and my problem, and i am not disappointed about myself.... i am the only one who knows all the things i have faced and why i am here at this time, she has NO right to judge me, cause this is my life not her. And if she does not like it she can always turn around and make like if nothing happens... i will help her.

My sister told me i should talk to her and fix everything.. but i am not up to talk to anyone.. what she said was serious and i am not going to forget it.... she should think twice before speaking her mind....ah and specially two days before my birthday... such a nice gift.

At work everything was fine... i will go out with Diana Patricia on weekend, i guess i will sort of celebrate my birthday with a big and nice hamburguer and perhaps a movie, that would be cool... away from all the troubles... a place where i can just be someone else.

About the pain in the "tool".. or better say in the "wheel of the tool" it is gone today... (strange isn't it?) perhaps it was something swollen in my urinary system (if that's proper name.... :( i suck when it refers to medical english... i know i know)... so i am not going to meet my Dr tomorrow, i was talking to a friend from the states and he advised me to stop masturbating (ouups!!!! LOL) (i hope everyone who read this is 18years or more... otherwise go away!!). Today i had some fever... small and some pain in my neck... my friend told me it is usual thing when Hiv people are stressed or under pressure... and that i should calm down and know i cannot stress... that pulls my CD4 down.... like if it would be so easy...... sometimes i wish the day of final judgement would arrive soon... i want to finish with this life.

have a good night.

Labels: New life, same illness

Today was a calmed day.. i went early to work cause i had to go to Alegro Pcs headquarters to deliver some folders docs from my clients and took the chance to check my email at work before leaving... and i found an email from Cecilia Sacoto.

For those of you who does not know her, she was LC Quito's member when i was MCVP of AIESEC in Ecuador and then became MCVP ER in the following term. My first though was... "what does Cecilia Sacoto do writing a comment on my blog??". Nothing bad, it is just that i don't see her since 2002, last time we met was in IC 2002 in Calgary (Canada) where she was member of the Ecuadorian delegation and i was member of the Russian one (Go Rubek!!!!). So well... it is... 5 years so i was amazed she would have found my blog and post a comment about a post named "The power of forgiveness" i wrote 11/06. I also though... the power of forgiveness??? what was it about??? I didn't remember... i read her comment... and i though..." huh???? what is she talking about??". I went back to read what i wrote, and i found the reason of her comment. Off course you have to read the post again to understand what i am talking about.

Well... in moments like this is when i feel nervous about posting my life online, i mean i have no fear of what i write cause it is true, in my point of view and i am not asking everybody to believe strictly what i write cause we all know true has different points of view. Still with it, this is my true, and that was how i felt that night.. and yes it hurt me a lot for several years, because it happened in a moment when all my life was AIESEC, i sacrificed myself during that year... and then i discover how people can say one thing in your face and another behind you. Perhaps none of them knew i knew what happened... but i knew, i got to know all same day. I guess i had good friends after all. I did not complain in the same moment, cause in that times there was this JuanCa who was naive... quiet.... and was dreaming AIESEC was a non political organisation where everybody was true. I was not really good in politics nor in diplomacy (now i am better). Anyways all this is in my past, i guess i have bigger troubles in my mind right now. My answer to you Cecilia is: "it's ok, what is in the past... should stay in the past"....

This is a song that came to my mind after reading Cecilia's comment

Hey talking about another thing, i was reading an interesting article on yahoo finances today, what about joining the 5 millions club. This is an article about the qualities of that lucky 1% of the American population, i think i should have 5 millions dollars.... why not? :) and what about you?

There are two other things i want you to know and help us out. First, there is this freak microbicide being sold worldwide and i just got an email about the potential danger it implies. Here is wrap up of an email i got today, please read it and help us if you can:

"I am writing to you today to request any knowledge you may have of a product called Genvia that is being promoted on the internet as a vaginal microbicide capable of preventing HIV transmission. Although several candidate microbicides are currently in development, none of them have yet been proven to be both safe and effective - and, in fact, there is no proven microbicide yet available. The Global Campaign is very concerned about any product that is being advertised to the public as a microbicide - as these are almost certainly fraudulent claims. Access to such products may, at the very least, give the user the false sense of protection and, thus, discourage condom use. At worst, such products could actually increase HIV infection risk by creating irritation when used. The attached article from a Chicago newspaper explains more about Genvia. Here is a picture to show you what the product looks like. We have received information that this product is being promoted in Liberia, Senegal, Togo, Benin, and possibly elsewhere as well. So I am writing to ask you if you have ever encountered this product or seen advertising for it. If you have, could you please let me know at your earliest convenience?
Any information you can provide would really assist our efforts to prevent false claims from being made and false hope being offered to people at risk of HIV infection. I'm sure we would all agree that such exploitation is unconscionable and must be stopped."

If you know something about this, please write to Anna Forbes, Global Campaign for Microbicides
-----------------------------------------------------------

The other thing i would like to ask your help is about this: President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva took steps weeks ago to make an inexpensive generic version of an AIDS drug made by Merck & Co. available in Brazil despite the U.S. drug company's patent. This initiative is the first one in America's region towards forcing the reduction of costs for Hiv meds. There is an article about this in Yahoo News, you can check it here. Right now several Hiv/Aids are showing the support to this initiative in order to motivate other countries facing troubles with their budgets to request lower prices from multinationals. If you can, please forward following mail to Clarisse

Support letter for obligatory license:

People signing below want to express their support and acknowledgement to the obligatory license issued for Efavirenz medicine by Brazil, which patents belongs to the multinational Merck Sharp & Dohme. This is an historical decision and pioneer in Latin America and it is a result of a big mobilisation effort against the abuses of multinationals supported by the actual system of intellectual rights. The obligatory license allows the production of cheaper generic versions, expanding the access of population and reducing the impact caused by companies' patent monopolies. We underline the legality of the used legal instrument, within national legislation, also in international commerce agreements.
Intellectual property does not impact only in public health, but also to the security, soberany, biodiversity and the maintaining of the culture of nations. The recent emissions of licenses to the key medicines patented in Brazil and Thailand confirm the idea that the actual model of protecting of knowledge established by the World Commerce Organisation, does not serve to our countries nor to our people. We are emphatic in saying that a system going deeper into the division between rich and poor countries and between producers and consumers of technological goods, is not a right nor a viable system. The union of our signatures shows we are united in the support to the initiative taken by Brazilian Government and in the criticism to the naturalisation of knowledge insertion in the role of medicines.

Signature

------------------------------------------------------------

Well... i know that for many of you these things does not matter, but for me it is important now... now legs go talk about something else...

I am having another problem now.... since last week i am starting to feel some pain.. in a very crucial part of my body located between my legs... aha.. in "the tool". Exactly in one of the "wheels" of the "tool" if you know what i mean. ok ok ok... i know this is not a nice subject (and not easy to talk about) but i am worried. It started last week... i first though i had hit myself... somewhere.. without noticing, but i really don't think so. I though it would be one of those things that come and go... but it is still here... and now i am worried. I talked to my mother and she told me it could be an inguinal hernia, or perhaps my appendix swollen or perhaps swollen lymph nodes (a very typical symptom in Hiv) eventhough i just read this last might not be possible. Yeah well whatever it is it does not feel right.. i mean it is not THAT painful but a bit... i have tried to touch and compare both "wheels" (same like girls do while trying to detect cancer in their breast... don't laugh it is just a comparison :)).. and they seem to be.. equal.. i mean i have never had troubles with them. :( i am worried (isn't my life just a big crap?). Mother advised me to talk to Dr and she told me to meet her on Thursday (i had appointment for July)... to say true.. i don't like to explain this "situation" to a woman... nor imagine that woman touching the "jewels" of my family :( buuu..... why my life is so crappy :((( damn... what worries me the most is that if it is an inguinal hernia i might need surgery.. and one of the "good news" of being poz is that you cannot face surgery just like that... most of the times they don't take you to surgery unless: it is totally necessary and you have a very high CD4. Being that Hiv reduce your defences the chances of getting any infection post surgery is very high.... :((((((((((( For God sake.. when will this end? i have never been so ill in my life... never had an hernia anywhere... :(((( Damn... i am very sad about this. I care a lot about some parts of my body: my teeth, my face and my tool :((( i mean i try to look after them cause i know suffering from something over them is not nice. And now this shit happens...

I hope Dr gives me good news next Thursday... hey you above... could you give me another hand???!!! :((((((

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi, today i had a great day, i worked from 10am until 10pm ALONE at the store, it was not supposed to be like that but Rosa, my co worker, said she was sick. At the end was fine, i ended up doing big sales today... over 10 mobiles including some voice plans (for those i would receive bigger payment), was really good. I was trying to do the work of 3 at the same time, but i was sooo happy. Aha, i am workaholic.

During morning and before going to work i did my first didactic activity, i planted. I planted a "Dulcamara". It is supposed to be quite good against cancer, hiv and many other diseases. In reference to Hiv, it is been said that Dulcamara acts like an immune modulator (helping to regulate the number of CD4 cells into our system). It is supposed to be originally Ecuadorian and proved internationally, which is great. Dulcamara is the main ingredient of BIRM, an oral solution that modulates defence system. As for me Birm is too expensive (20usd per bottle) so i prefer to eat the plant alone... and now i will plant several of them, today i did the first one (pic on the right). Yep it is still a long way to go... but i like that, i was always good with plants when i was a child and as i grew older i forgot about it, now i will be back to my "roots" :)

Tomorrow mom wants me to go with her to visit my Godmother... in fact... i was desiring to stay home relaxing on internet, chatting, reading surfing.... but well.... lets try to do it her way.... then i will go back to work around 3pm until 9pm. hope you all had a great day.

Tonight something great happen, i found on You Tube some videos of Zemfira. Zemfira or земфира is a very famous group in Russia, mostly singing alternative rock. The voice of the singer is absolutely nice and i when i came back from Moscow i brought lot of mp3s thanks to Stella Vasilieva one of my co workers at MC team, i still hear them quite often and just can't stop loving them!!. It is true that i don't understand most of what songs say....but come on, you don't have to understand music.... you have to feel it. Feel this....

Zemfira - Blues

Zemfira - Skazki (live concert in Kishinev 2002)

Labels: New life, same illness

Guess what, today was a better day.

Yesterday night i went to sleep around 2am, i was so tired i didn't even hear the alarm ringing to wake me up to change my mother's serum..... she had to scream to me to wake me up... i jumped from bed lost.. without knowing who i was!! Don't worry i was just slept, i did help my mother and went to sleep again. At morning my mother asked me "are you feeling sick? you look terrible!!!". No i am not feeling sick... i am just too tired...

Went downtown and my sister lended me 30 usd and gave me 10 usd for my mother's meds. Cool, thanks God i am not the only son...things would be worst. First time this week i could eat a sandwich wow... so tasty!!! it was pretty delicious... i am not eating fast food these days due to my diagnosis of hiv and the diet Dr prescribed me until i got my stomach strong again, plus when you have lack of money and diagnosed with a non curable disease... believe me, you prefer to eat full lunch than the usual sandwich and coke. By the way, diet is over... i took yogurt the day before yesterday and i am eating margarine again and i also drunk milk. No "side" effects so far, stomach is getting stronger again. So glad about it!!!. Went to work, it was a normal day... i am worried... i have been making research at work about hiv and immune system and so on... and i think guys i work with have sort of noticed. Today i felt several times they were sort of standing behind me to read what i was reading... i think i will stop with it. I can't risk work, eventhough it is illegal to be fired due to Hiv infection companies here are still doing so. There are few companies here like Colgate Palmolive, Cerveceria Nacional, Petroecuador, Comercial 3B that keeps their hiv+ employees working or move them to another department where they represent no risk to others or to themselves instead of firing them.

I don't understand, If i am hiv poz i can do actually anything without any risk. I can be salesman, accountant, brand manager, police, soldier, sailor, pilot, singer, journalist, waitress, priest, President of Ecuador... my hiv status really does not affect who i am after all, the only thing i would not do is to be cooker. I think it would be sort of disgusting...EVENTHOUGH EVEN AS A COOKER AN HIV PERSON HAS NO RISK OF INFECTING OTHERS. Remember Hiv needs to live inside our body and dies fast once it is exposed to the environment. Even if i cut myself while cooking, none could get infected... hiv will be dead way before that. So... there is no reason why to discriminate hiv poz people (one more time it is clear....) but the shit still happens.... Ahh by the way... did you know i am not allowed to travel to other countries because i am hiv poz????? There are restrictions for migrating to the USA and Australia, and i don't know how many other countries. Mother told me the other day "they are requesting a test before you travel.. and that one includes hiv... now all your travels will be stopped forever". I answered "i can still travel... not to all the countries... but there are some where i would not have problems". Well... i am actually not sure about this. I mean i know there are several countries not testing visitors... but well... i hope i won't be tied to remain here for the rest of my life... i love my country but there is a whole world out there.. and i want to see it. I am not thinking in migrating right now.. but i wish i could go for vacation to New York one day, i always wanted to see it. And go back to L.A. where i had a great time....

Mother went to see Dr today, she is way better now, she still have to drink lot of liquids but serums are gone!!! She is so happy, we all are so happy. She is that happy that even performed after appointment with Dr in "mother's day celebration" at Infectology Hospital!!! She is so good telling poems.. she has a poet soul. (That's where the artistic vein of the family comes from!!). My sister told me "everybody was so glad and happy after she finished her performance, they really liked her!!!". My mother is a star. She will stay with me tonight and tomorrow will be back to my sister's house. I will be working tomorrow since 10am to 10pm (oh yeah.. who said we hiv poz were not hard workers? you are wrong :). I am hoping to make good money this month (eventhough they are not paying us properly... none is receiving comissions for their sales)... but i hope that will somehow change.. sometime.. before i die lol.

I decided i will do two things these days... 1. learn more about the basics of my condition and how i can help my body to deal with it. 2. find another activity to distract my mind. So today i started with the first, i started to check and learn the basics of immune system, how it works, what are the t cells, cd8 cells, cd 4 cells, and all that, i found a good place to read about it here. I was also about to read how to eat properly, but that will come later cause too much info gets me confused.... my mind is not what it used to be before. As for the extra activity to distract my mind... i think i will plant something tomorrow, lets see if i do it cause i have been thinking in doing so but i haven't yet.

Ok, that's it for today.. have a good night you all :) ahh.. and happy mother's day!!!!!!!!!

Labels: New life, same illness

Well, today was a hard day... and bad, not terrible but bad one. I went to sleep 3.30am after switching serum of my mother. Yesterday night we argued a lot, well... we have too different tempers (or perhaps we are just too similar) plus when you are "tied" to bed it takes out the worst of you.

Anyways the serums were done almost without troubles, except from some air in the tube after the last change, but we could solve it. Then i figured out that my credit cards are not unblocked yet so i went to one bank to complain... but i could do nothing. By now i am already late with the cards i was up to date, so... eventhough i did reach an agreement with two banks, they will not unblock anything.

Today morning electricity was cut. I was very píssed off today... totally... i had no money... i had to ask my new boss to pay me 10usd in advance... i wanted to stay with those until mid month... but i had to buy more meds for my mother and bough some few stuff at supermarket.. and right now i have only 3 usd in my pocket. :(

Mother ended up with all the serums, went to the infectology hospital, took the tests again.. and she is still ill.... but somehow getting a bit better... she was prescribed 3 more serums (meaning i won't sleep fine tonight again). Right now i feel weak, and tired... soooo tired.... and bored of my life.... and disappointed....i am just sick of my life... i want to scape... Or perhaps not even complain.... i prefer to be careless... it somehow sounds better... i am just tired of seeing all is a mess around me, everything goes wrong... everything turns out bad.... Today i though i would prefer to die.... i went walking from the bank to my work and i saw a bridge.... and i though.."if i could jump from that bridge with my head down so all my weight would fall on it... i would die immedialty and without feeling anything... that would be actually great.... imagine... full peace... no more worries, no more pain.... no more troubles.... nothing... just... death... empty silent space.... no so much noise.... just everlasting peace... i love it, i love the idea of having everlasting peace around me..... but what if i don't "kill myself properly"? I might suffer a lot, even more than what i am doing now.... naah.... the risk is not worthy". I think we all have though about suicide at least once in life right? so it is kind of normal. Don't worry there are days when i would like to... but i think it is not going to happen today ;)

Went to work, my boss invited to me eat cause she knew i was having a hard time... thanks Shirley, so nice from you. Sold two mobiles today, not bad, i am really tired. I was actually wondering what is God trying to teach me.. then something happened. Shirley called me and said: Juanca come and see this.

I guess there is a lesson there... i know i know, it just does not touch me... does not impact me. i feel i am somehow insensible right now... i feel so tired and so sick of this that i just would like to forget it and throw the book of my life away. I definitely need vacations.... of my life.

Then Shirley was playing a song, from soundtrack of a movie, the story of the movie was very nice... I asked her about it, she told me it is from a movie she watched where a young girl had an accident and her body couldn't move anymore, her mother stayed with her all the time... every single day of highschool and university, helping her daughter to study, taking notes for her cause she could not move...the story moved me... just right now i understand my mother would do the same for me... and if she does that... God would do even more. Wow... i came to my senses... this is just a hard moment and should not define how i feel about my life... cause after all i have been blessed a lot.. with a mother that could do lot for me and a family that support me in their best capacities. The song i am talking about is performed by Theresa Andersson and its tittle is "It's gonna be ok" here a sample of the song Listen. Well it seems i am not going to Aiesec party, i am tired and i prefer to rest this week. It's 1.30am... and arguing with my mother again.... we love each other, i know that for sure... but sometimes it is very hard to communicate... totally. I should be more tolerant.... cause i can't expect she would change... "I have to be the change i want to see in others". Ok, i will try... but it is hard. I became too independent and doing things her way does not really please me... i prefer to do things mine. Ok ok... i will try to shut my mouth and don't argue anymore.

have a good night. Juan Carlos

Labels: New life, same illness

Well... today was a not so different day after all.. and no so good.

I went to the hospital in the morning to see dermatologist, i used to have small issues on dermatological level, but i decided to try to get rid of them since i know now i am weaker. I had to tell them i was seropositive, i think they were surprised (2 young girls and 2 young boys... saying they were drs). They got to manage it, one asked me "do you have your cd4?". I though... "wow.. he knows what he is talking about...". I think from all 4, only he knew what to say... well.. they examined me, and well.. they checked me and what i can say.. it was useless... they just told me "your dermatological problem is normal among people, and being you are hiv poz it becomes more evident, there is no cure but if you take this meds you might control it a bit". Cool, they prescribed me things that social security does not cover.... yeah it was useless.

Mother is not feeling well, has got fever and felt weak... after leaving hospital i went to meet her, she was meeting other Dr at other place. She was prescribed some exams and also won a gift cause they were celebrating mother's day. She took a buss downtown afterwards and i went to work, went to toilet of shopping center where i work... and i forgot the mobile my company gave me... shit.. it costs 100 usd, and they would discount me, but i was lucky i went back to the toilet and the person who entered after me had not left so i asked for the mobile and got it back. I was happy, i mean good things are starting to happen huh?

I was at work and the sister of an old classmate came to the store, i was talking to her (she didn't recognise me) and then... another ex classmate came in... he was surprised seeing me (it is like...10 years?) and he saw this girl who he also met since we were in high school, Isn't it the world small? we had a long talk, full of laugh, memories, jokes, good time, really good, we were talking about other classmates... and then my friend said something "This guy (referring to another classmate) he is now living in the USA and he is doing really good, i think he is one of the most successful"... successful... successful... successful.. there was an echo in my mind, that word touched me, i don't know why.... perhaps because during long time success was my goal in life. It was not living, i wasn't here to live.. i was here to be successful... and i had my share of it... long time ago.

Later in the afternoon, i got a phone call, my sister saying... "Mom is at Infectology Hospital and she is not feeling well, i am at work can you go there to be with her until i arrive?" I was at work too, but i talked to my boss and they let me go, i had to come back by 6pm cause i was in charge of the store until 9pm. I went there, mom was waiting for her exams, she had no money for the exams and by chance she met a dr who helped her to get a 100% discount in her exams. We waited, she got the tests.. and well... it is impossible to understand them but the numbers were very low.... i worried. My sister arrived and we were making a queue to see Dr, my mother, my sister and me... when suddenly someone said...

"Aha, the other day i came and all those hiv positive people were around here walking and they were caughing, i was so afraid that they would contagious us" Another person replied "yes, one of them seated next to my children and i asked him to go away, he was ill and i don't want them to contagious my daughter". The first woman said "yes, you know those people once they got ill... they are just half dead, and worst if they get tuberculosis... they should be isolated and not let them be around us, to be hiv poz is the worst... it is like the apocalypses!!".

I got angry, i mean... my mother was there listening to them... my sister too.. and they were sad and afraid... and scared.. come on! They are my family and i won't let this mother fuckers hurt them, get them ashamed and destroy all have built. i told my sister..."i want to speak!" Mom and sister told me.. "don't do it". But i didn't listen i have nothing to loose i could even go there and tell them... "hey you bitch!! i am poz so what's your problem?!". But i controlled myself a bit and joined the conversation like another curious... and when they were talking bullshit i just said.."that's not true". The woman looked at me, she was saying that once hiv poz get very ill.. they die without a way to prevent it.. and they die very thin....i told her "that's not true, i have heard about cases of people living with aids that taking meds can get back to be normal, i have a friend who was very ill and he is now normal and back to work". She answered "God has so much mercy,.... miracles happen sometimes" and i told her.."miracles or not, it happens, so when an hiv poz gets ill it does not mean they will die, they can live long and good lives". We spent like 15 more minutes talking and i took the chance to tell all that people that to be with a poz nearby is not dangerous (silly them... they had a poz right next to them and they didn't know..) also told them that hiv is not a dead sentence but a chronic illness nowadays. Some people were looking at me and somehow showing me they agreed... that made me think, perhaps they know someone... or they are poz,... or someone they love is.. but why people remain silent?? why if we know the truth we don't say it? why if we have the light, we don't use it to illuminate others around us???. I felt fine for what i did... but i have to admit i had to be strong cause while talking to them... i felt i wanted to cry.... perhaps it was somehow evident in my face.. i could feel my face muscles moving.. trembling....but i could not avoid it... it is this sudden sadness overwhelming me yet. Although i didn't cry... luckily the conversation stopped before i lost control of my nerves.

I had to come back to work and my sister called me around 8 pm. Mom has a Dengue... Dr told her that her exams are very low and that prescribed her meds and 3 serums, tomorrow by 4pm they will repeat exams, if her numbers are not higher she will have to stay in hospital cause there is a risk she develop hemorrhagic dengue. When my sister told me i felt down... i mean... how can i be just leaving a bad time... and immediately start another?? why??? come on... it is too much. As my sister works, my brother-in-law works and my nieces study.. my sister told i will have to take care of Mom while she is in bed and put attention to her serums and change them. I am right now 2am waiting for the first one to finish. I am not happy... i hate when this things happen.. i am trying to have a calmed life and something else happen. In the next two days we will have troubles..not only mothers illness but the payment of all other things that i could not solve (water, electricity and so on)... Mother asked me to gring for her some meds and yogurt.

While i was at supermarket buying the things mother asked me... i wondered.... what happened to my life? it is long gone the days when everything around me was full of happiness and success.....yeah success... or what i though it was. The days when i used to have money in all my 5 saving bank accounts and i had my current account with over 800 usd. When i applied for one visa credit card and they asked me too much papers so i applied in other bank and i got both cards approved without giving more docs. The time when i bought my laptop, my pocket pc, i got a mastercard because i was bored of having only visas.... and now is all gone... now i don't care about success i prefer to keep on living and to stay healthy. I want my mother healthy too. I would like to say i trust God and i believe everything will be ok... but after all i have faced...i just can say this: deep in my heart i have small feeling of confident... but i am mostly afraid of what i am living... and where and when it will end up... it is not only about the Hiv... it is about ALL that is going on in my life... it is like a nightmare. It looks like i am in the middle of a big lesson.. and i still don't understand it.

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi everybody, it is 8am today and i came back to Hospital because i have an appointment with dermathologist. About yesterday.... well.... there are lot things to say.

I woke up at 5am.... and went back to sleep :( then woke up at 5.30am....and went back to sleep :((.....then woke up at 6am and realised that... come on, i am not done for this super early waking ups!!! I dressed and went to the hospital.By the time i arrived (6.30am) there was already LOT of people waiting .... my turn was number 15 (i ended up meeting Dr at 1.30pm). When i just arrived to the Dr office there was a hand written announcement post on the door "There are no meds, let's go on strike". Oups.... i though "i hope God will help me they don't prescribe me ARV... cause they don't have them". It seems that it is not only one type or two types of ARV that are missing... but several of them. Damn!!! what irresponsability!!!!!

I did my usual ritual of not stopping at Dr's office but going forward, but then i though "i will have to meet them all one day anyways". So i went back and seated in front of Dr's office... and even i started to talk to some people asking them about how was the picking ticket and all that. When the nurse arrived there was a big mess.... everybody fighting to be the first... i though... " uh?? :( " yeah... welcome to Ecuador. After taking number 15 i called my mother so she would arrive later, it was no sense to have her waiting with me... The i decided i wanted to interact with some people. I met some people yesterday, some of them are members of Spring Aso and invited me to go there. It was something strange.... In the area where my Dr works there is also neurology and heart diseases offices so all patients seat somehow same waiting room, plus my Dr is not only having Hiv patients, but also all type of internal diseases.... so the way they recognise is by asking "are you meeting Dr Heredia?" If you answer yes, you are mostly hiv infected.... isn't it weird?

I met a guy who was heterosexual (cause there were several homosexuals too). He is a school teacher, and have been living with Hiv since 7 years ago, he is thin, but actually look pretty normal, if you look at him on street you would never think he is infected. We were talking and he told me a bit of his story. It was a shock for him to be diagnosed hiv poz... he had married a year before... He got deeply depressed and started drinking, plus he was very afraid that someone would know his status cause he knew if something like that happened he would be fired. He ended up divorcing from his wife cause he was afraid of infecting her.... i told him "but there are ways of having children without infecting your wife!!" he looked at me like stranged...and i said "well perhaps 7 years ago these possibilites were not there anyways". Sometimes one should not say all that we know, i didn't want him to feel bad.

Yesterday i was afraid, among all patients there i saw something i didn't expect: Lipodistrophy. As i mentioned before it is a side effect of some people after taking meds. Yesterday from 28 patientes waiting to meet my Dr i saw 3 of them having it. At first i didn't realise it was lipodistrophy. They were just thin... and even some of them were not thin but muscular body with thin faces.... you could see the bones of their cheeks, then i said... there is something wrong... how can a muscular person can have a face where bones are evident? Lipodistrophy. I feared. There were lot of people trying to talk to me yesterday, some of them were also trying to get too close. That was something that bothered me, i mean do i look easy? do i look i am willing to let someone else to pick me up at my HIV Dr office? come on...i am here thinking in something else. So i am sorry to say this but i behaved stupidly with some people. I just didn't want them to bother me. Then while i was seating there was this mature man (40+) seating next to me and talking to me... at first i didn't think in talking to him but then i did it cause i though he might give me info about how things go there for real. We talked and he told me he is married... and while talking to him i realised he is of those with lipodistrophy in his face... in a certain moment it was hard for me to look at him i was just thinking "this could happen to me....". SHIT!

I don't really know how it works but there is something wrong in this, i mean i see this mature man with 10years living with Aids, who has lipodistrophy in his face... and i see Orlando who has been 16 years living with Aids and who looks perfectly normal... so.... what is wrong??? and how can i prevent it??? i don't know..... :( a friend yesterday night told me that doing cardiovascular exercises it helps preventing lipodistrophy, ok i will look a bit more on it. Meanwhile you can read this article to get to know more about this: Spanish / English.

Well, i waited a lot... and then my time arrived, time to meet my Dr. First i got my weight measured... 79kg, i think i am stable on this now, after going up and down all the time during last 2 months, i finally got a stable weight. Yes i still want to get thinner, but we will see. My mother was with me during the meeting and Dr started to check my exams. BDRM (exam to test all sexual transmitted diseases STD) was negative, i was soooooooooo happy. in fact to summarize... my tests were all normal, blood, cholesterol, triglycerids ok, Hepatitis A negative, Hepatitis B positive (oups!! it was because i took the vaccine against it in 2004, so no worries) and she made some confussion about Hepatitis C, she (Dr) said first it was not done.... then said it was done but they requested another blood sample.... and she also had ordered an Hiv confirmation test (Webster Blot) and they said they also required another blood sample... what does it means?. The she said... "don't worry you already have two tests confirming your status: Elisa and IFI... so you are infected". I though.... well.. whatever, but now that i think about it.... i will talk to my mother to see if she thinks i might need to have this test again... it is a confirmation test and i had already had one, but if they ask me for another sample it might mean several things... the blood was dry when they tested, or the might even broke the blood bottle, or they found non consistent results.... or they found nothing.... no Hiv. This last option is not much probable to happen, since i have been confirmed Hiv poz twice, and it can be that taking another test might be just wasting money... big money cause this test is also not cheap.

Then... the important thing came... she talked to me about my CD4, well...you have to know that these numbers are relative and they are just approximated and non conclusive... so... don't get too stresed - She said. I would just add... guys.... you know life is long like eternity and might disappear in a second... today we are here and 5 mins later we might not. I understand i can't stick myself to be living.... if Gods wants me to go...... i can't avoid it....... :( ........ my CD4 result is....

494 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know some of you might say "????? are you gonna die or what???" well let me inform you i am not going to die by now :) off course a car can still hit me but i will try that it won't happen anytime soon :) The normal CD4 number in someone who is not Hiv+ is between 500 to 1,600. So i am not that bad.... the higher the number the stronger my inmune system is... so i know by now this is just starting. I might have had my CD4 very high before infection because i almost never got sick lets say perhaps 1,000 so now i have half of it but for someone infected i am still in very good conditions. Dr told me that in average virus eliminates among 50 to 80 points of CD4 per year, so that means i could spend at least two more years without meds. isn't it great?!!! Off course this is cannot be confirmed, it will all depend on my self care. She also told me that my numbers might grow a bit if i eat properly and protect myself form illness... if i get ill... that will reduce my CD4 and might boost Hiv development inside me.

But well, i am very happy :))))) i am a healthy ill person :) LOL . She prescribed me some vaccines against Hepatitis, flu and other stuff. And stopped with the antibiotics i was taking and told me that she will only prescribe me vitamins. So to say things as they are... i am left alone. No meds protecting me against anything in order not to develop resistance to any type of meds (cause i will need no resistance to them when i will be sick). How long i stay without meds (ARV) will only depend on me. The vitamins are just to provide me some energy and resources to keep on living normally and to strenght my defenses a bit while Hiv goes forward.... and if everything goes ok... in several years... the real fight will start. I have time now to protect myself, to prepare myself for this.... to eat all i want!!! (eventhough she told me to try to avoid fats and so on), i will learn more about this illness and its side effects and hopefully when the time to really fight for my life starts... i will be ready. Love for you all, i feel so great right now!!!!

Labels: New life, same illness

From Another city

Hey there, i am blogging from another city!!! I am right now in Duran!!! (i know i am just 15 min away from Guayaquil, but come on... i am in another city :)). It is 8.38 pm and i am just leaving my sister's place where i spent the whole day.

Today was an interesting day, really...
First, last week i called a person from this organisation... "Spring" about the seminary about Human rights of PVVS and i found out the seminary was planned for May 6th..... of last year. Yeap i must have had my head in other place... well the thing is i talked to them and we arranged a meeting today by midday to see what they were doing and so on.

Meeting was ok, i met this guy Orlando, who is the president of the Aso, he is a blond green eyes mature man. Same, if you look at him... you would not guess he is ill. He is living with Hiv for 16 years now... WOW. And this association also has 16 years working within the social security hospital, he briefly told me that during first years they faced hard times... and were discriminated a lot... even by the ID Doctors (ID = Infectious Diseases). They have fought a lot and they have gained the respect of the hospital employees by forcing that some Drs and even some Hospital General managers were removed from their positions due to their negligency. That's good... i like that!!! I feel i have the power :) after all.... is my life in risk, if i have to fire someone who is preventing me to stay alive...I WILL DO IT.

We talked and talked and talked...A LOT. He told me about the different kinds of treatments, first there are around 22 meds developed against AIDS around the world, here in Ecuador we are only having 12. Usual treatments are not composed of just one pill.... but from a cocktail (composed by several pills from several meds which have different colors). He told me that depending on the prescription i might to take pills once or twice or three times a day. I might be taking 2 pill, or 6 pills, or 12 pills, or even 15pills from different meds depending on the treatment and my level of illness. I though.... 15 pills???? (3 in green color, 5 in pink, 8 in white... for exemple).....OMG!! (Oh My God!!). Now i know why is hard for poz to stick to the treatments... off course the pills prevent the virus to multiply... but they do have side effects too, cause they are very strong. That means that depending of the type of pills... i might develop.... diarrhoea, fever, anemia, headache, sleepy feeling, nausea and vomit, i might have troubles with my liver, my kidneys, perhaps my heart, my stomach... develop pain in my fingers or other parts of my body (neuropathy), lipodistrophy (wrong distribution of fat in body), and so on and so on.... WOW... i have got into such a fucking problem...... :(

Well, none knows what could happens once you start with pills... side effects vary from person to person, some have them really bad.... some almost never feel them.... i have faith, it is the only thing i will say. There is just one thing for sure... once you start with meds... YOUN CANNOT STOP THEM...and you will be taking pills forever in your life...therefore feeling the side effects forever in your life, they just change scheme after some of your organs are becoming very damaged or if virus have developed resistance to the current scheme. The funniest thing is... in other countries when you are diagnosed you are also taking some fenotype tests (not sure if it is well written) that help to identify if you or your virus are resistance to any ARV specifically. Here in Ecuador they don't do that... cause such tests are very expensive... then i asked: "How do they choose...the scheme for a patient????"... he replied "just choosing...." i commented..."you mean they just try this... or try that... or that other one to see if it works?????". He answered "Yes, that's what they do." Oh shit..... i am putting my life in hand of blind Drs who does not even know if their meds will work out for me or not...... Orlando told me that they usually give you 6 months trial (YES... SIX MONTH TRIAL!!!!) to see if meds work, if they don't... then they change scheme. I hope i am not death before those six months.

Another thing, he told me... "if tomorrow your Dr see your CD4 results are high, like 600 or 800... she will perhaps appoint you briefly for the comings months but will setup your next test... for 8 months after or a year". I replied "what??? in USA patients are tested every 3 months to monitor their numbers!!!"...He said "they don't do that here... the most you can get tested for CD4 in Social Security Hospital is twice per year... and in Infectology Hospital is once per year". OMG!!!.

Orlando was receiving several phone calls while we were talking it sounded like he was looking for something or being requested for something from those people calling him. I asked.. "are you looking for ARV meds???" He replied "yes.... there is this med that is out of stock in social security hospital for about 3 months by now...and i have some friends in need of it badly!!". Oh holy shit....three months??? it is supposed you cannot skip a single day in your meds... so when there are no meds available.... patients have to buy it, usually at expensive prices... between 300usd to 500usd each pill box, now taking into account the cocktail is usually composed by 2 or 3 different meds....and you take more than one per day....the amount of money one person would need to survive would be...ENORMOUS. i am half dead i though.....half dead already... if Hiv does not kill me... the negligency of meds or people in charge of the hospital will do it. So sad :((((((

He told me he is meeting the general manager of the hospital tomorrow to give him an ultimatum and that if they don't solve the problem then he will speak with the coalition and they will do something... some manisfestation, bring tv channels, local authorities in my city and the capital. Yes!, i have to help i though.... my life is in risk. So i told them i could not commit myself to join any assocation right now (everyone i have spoke to.. wants me to stay with them....) but that if they needed some support within the hospital they could count with me... i understand that if they succeed... i live, if they fail.... i die. So i better help them to succeed right?.

I also talked to him about the coalition of people living with aids. It happens that Orlando is also working for the Global Fund to fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria, and international entity supporting local and national ngos by funding projects, providing strategical support, scientific info and also political support. The coalition in Ecuador is composed by all Ngos working in every chapter and they all get together to check the development of political and medical initiatives in the country and they deal with Health Ministery, Global Fund and other international entities like UN, UNICEF, UNAIDS and so on. The problem is... the coalition is 2 years old. Yes....we are in caverns time regarding the fight against Aids here..... well, i said i wanted to join the coalition badly and he said he would invite me to the next meeting that will be some time soon. Coalition is composed by ONLY people living with Aids, i actually think it is like the "Opus Dei" of people living with Aids. He told me it is not like that, there are all kind of people, but they try to work all together for the benefit of all patients in nation. I want to help in that too.... looks like i have an activist inside.... or perhaps just someone who wants to fight for his life... i don't know.

We ended the chat, and i think we will meet tomorrow cause he also has appointment with Dr. Then i went to work and they told me "what are you doing here?" i said "i came to work...." and they replied "Juanca.... you have free days today and tomorrow don't you remember????"... OUPSS!!!! I surely have my head in other place..... totally in other place. Then i called mom and she was ill, she had fever yesterday night and was feeling weak and unwell....i know what you all think.."hiv???", i have to confess i also though the same.... :(((( it is all so paranoid... one tend to think "Oh my God i know there is no way to infect someone in daily interaction... but what if???"..... Nothing!!!, what if what??!!!!! THERE IS NO WAY TO INFECT SOMEONE THROUGH DAILY INTERACTION... NO WAY, HAVE NEVER HAPPENED AND WON'T HAPPEN WITH ME. Anxiety and paranoid are the worst enemies in illness like this...as you read in Lisa's story.... once you read some symptons of some specific illness... you think "Oh God i have that!!!". But nothing better than truth to send away false fears. My mother might have some amoebs or something in her stomache and if she is not ok by tomorrow she will have to take some normal tests... but i am sure, she is not going to be Hiv poz. And i have to accept it and believe it... i am not a menace for anyone around me, fears are just phantoms in my mind.

Ok, tomorrow waking up at 5am to get ticket for Dr and she will start seeing patients around 10am... what will i do between those times... Only God knows... i will perhaps lie on the floor of the hospital and fall sleep :), anyways i have to sleep early tonight and it is already 9.30pm. Ok guys got to go... wish me luck with the results tomorrow.

Hi everybody.

I am sorry i didn't post anything for couple of days.... i have been just... trying to be away from blogs, unfortunately i couldn't manage to be away of internet ... but it is a first step. During this weekend i am working and has been sort of calmed with the normal worries.

Short update here... yesterday i signed the arrangement with the bank internacional, and paid the 100 usd. Where did i get them?.... i had big troubles to collect the whole money, plus i paid all the money i had.... and i was missing some more. So i asked my boss for an advanced payment of 50usd. I used part of it to complete the 100 usd and now i have 30 usd until 15/may. I am just wondering how i will pay cuota facil, visa guayaquil bank and electricity bill... it makes about 220 usd. I will figure out something.. hope so. God.. i need another hand!!

The girl at bank was very nice with me, i think i did the right thing explaining her my situation and trying to educate her.

Today i disclosed my status with my sister. Wasn't easy thing.... but finally it did happen... i was really needing to do so... she is my sister and the connection between us (mom, sister and me) is very strong. She took it fine, we met Claudia (my psychologist), we talked and my sister does not know much about the illness but she told me she will be by my side always. That meant a lot, after the meeting we spent like 3 hours talking... and walking.. she also told me she has some personal problems.... as strong as mines.... life is never easy for anybody.

I understood i need to be stronger to support her and mom, and i need to get out of this financial troubles because if i think these days are hard... those about to come seem to be really harder.

Looks my mother is getting depressed... she has something... she is loosing weight and being worried.... my sister and i will be there for her and try to help her.

Well.... life is still going.. i guess one just have to play the game. A friend sent me a link of an Ukranian vide of "Verka Serduchka". The vide is kind of odd, but the music is nice :) enjoy it. Time to log off.

Labels: New life, same illness

Today we celebrated "workers day" here in Ecuador and it is suppoused to be holiday but not if you work in a shopping center :(

It was actually very boring, not much clients so we had time enough to go buying some food and making sandwichs to drink with coke in our own personal worker days party :)

I also had the time to sleep at work (hehehe) and even play some online games, Rosa my co worker got to read a whole magazine she just bought. long day without much to do... that's what i call a boring day. Tomorrow will be a key day... so cross your fingers. Nite all!

Labels: New life, same illness