Nomad JuanCa's Report

Artist: La Bouche /Song: Be my lover /Country: Germany

These days there have been some ghosts around my life. Not Ghosts like in that romantic movie we all saw long time ago... some other type of ghosts.

Today i dreamed i was in Manta (i always loved Manta a small city 5h far from my city and in front of the Pacific Ocean) i was with someone i dated long time ago...mmm.. something like 3 years ago. We had just met again and i was there spending vacations.... we were sort of romantic, and i was going to the beach to meet other aiesecers when i woke up. I know the dream is silly but it left me with a not so good taste...

The person i dreamed with is living a fairy tale... i mean, she is a pretty girl with lot of money, who is right now engaged in a relationship with a handsome guy with lot of money... and they are traveling around the world having sex... and lot of money.... and yes they both will live happily ever after. I am ok with that, i know some people are borned to be happy... in fact we are all borned to be happy... it is just that some of us are happy in different ways... perhaps having hiv?. Well.... to remember her was a bit painful.

Remembrances is something i have had lot in my life lately. Yesterday i had a training at my company's headquarters in the morning after it i was coming to work when my mobile rang. I answered and it was this girl i dated in February this year.... At first i didn't recognize her voice nor her name.. i mean we don't speak since February.... the thing didn't end up bad but the break up was not pleasant either. She said "I need to talk to you". I got afraid... damn... i hate getting afraid out of everything now.... but there was a reason.... when i met her in February we had unprotected sex. It was not my idea, i was actually using protection most of the times but the second time we were together she asked me not to protect because we were having something sort of formal..... so i didn't use it. I was not aware of my status...plus i don't even know hers. I just knew i liked her. Well... our fairy tale didn't last long... we broke up a week after, she said i was not compatible with her, and gave me some silly excuse. Yesterday i knew she engaged with someone right after me, perhaps her ex or someone else and they have been dating since then.

When she first told me she wanted to talk to me i though it was about Hiv, i though "i might have infected her.....for God sake...". God knows i would not like to infect anyone around me....but since October/November 06 (when i assume i was infected) until March 07 i was not aware i was living with Hiv. . I got terribly afraid... and had a panic attack.. the fear was too much... if she asked me... what would i say? how could i explain her i didn't know? should i tell her i am seropositive? what does she want to talk about?... i was getting crazy.... i needed help i needed advice.... I though in calling my mother, but she would be more worried than me.... or perhaps angry... i though in calling my sister and ask her for advice... but she is working, my lil niece is a bit ill.... they all have their own problems. My status have already been overwhelming to them to increase the weight and the worries on their shoulder... i though in calling Claudia... but i have like 0.20usd in my mobile... that would not be enough... for God sake... i have to face it all alone.... i tried to calm down... but i was terrified... i was in panic.

She arrived... as pretty as usual.... we greeted and she asked me "How are you?" didn't know if that was a question with double meaning but i answered "fine". We walked and talked... we past next to a mobile health care facility where they are vaccinating people against yellow fever and she asked me "did you take the vaccine?" Oh shit... i cannot take that vaccine, that vaccine is totally not suggested for people living with Hiv or Aids, as some of you know vaccines are made of viruses, in this case the virus of the yellow fever... and i cannot take that vaccine because it could hurt my health... but i answered her "yes and you?" "yeah me too" she replied. I felt strange... like if i was trying to get her to tell me what she wanted to talk about... and she wanted me to tell her something about me... i was not ready to disclose....

We walked and seated in a park, and talked and talked... about several things but the situation was killing me so i asked her directly "you said you wanted to talk to me about something. What is this issue you wanted to talk me about?". She said "Actually nothing special, i was in a bank near your work and i have been there twice looking for your to chat and i didn't find you so i though you might have moved somewhere else. I only wanted to see you and talk... since we broke up we haven't talk to each other". Oh God... thank you. I was so afraid.... we talked and i told her i already got over the painful remembrances of our broke up and she said she wanted me to be her friend cause she thinks i am very special guy yadda yadda yadda.... so fine, we are friends. We didn't talk much cause her boyfriend was waiting for her somewhere.. and we said goodbye... i don't know if that was everything she wanted to tell me.... but if she said so... i hope.

The fear of having infected someone with hiv is huge... but i have to learn to accept i was not aware of my status... same like many people around the world who does not know they are living with the hiv virus and infecting others,... perhaps others they love. Another thing is that Hiv is not transmitted in every single unprotected sexual relationship i might have... even now... sometimes it might happen, sometimes it might not.... but it is like a Russian roullette.... that's why i play safe right now. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Now the third ghost.... today i went to visit my mother at my sister's place. Everything was fine, but while leaving i told her i have appointment with my Dr next week and i had forgotten to take some vaccines (these were prescribed by my Dr) HBV (Hepatitis B Virus), Flu and so on... i haven't taken them. Why not? first i don't have the money and social security does not cover them... each one of them might cost among 30 to 60 usd and sometimes more than one shot is needed. Secondly, i forgot. How can i forget about taking those vaccines? .... you know that's very simply... you only start worrying for other things like the banks calling me all the time or pushing me or sending me letters to pay them... believe me, once you worry about them... you forget about any vaccine.... specially if they might be useful but are not vital. I mean i can live without them right now... even though... if i get to catch HBV for instance... i will certainly regret not to have taken that vaccine. Although i am trying to be careful and don't expose myself to any risk. Off course my mother didn't agree with me and we argue.... that's usual among us... she is really nervous about my health... i am just too confident about it... perhaps we are both wrong... she fears out of everything and i don't care much about nothing... when i should care sometimes. We argued and she said something like "don't ask me for help for the rest of your life".

Don't worry, i know my mother and she didn't mean to say so... but now you understand why i always say she phrases stuff in the wrong way and i argue with her. Her words didn't hurt me this time... except for this phrase "for the rest of your life". What's the trouble of everybody with the duration of my life???? I mean... it seems everybody cares now about how long i will live or not... i have heard several times and it pisses me off.

The duration of my life is none's business just mine. I might die tomorrow or when i am 100 years old, that's not your business. Although i think you all should have something clear.... we are all going to die. Perhaps you haven't think about it, but i did.. we all hiv+ do.. that's the only difference between you and us. Even though the fact of saying "Hiv+ people die sooner than normal people" is wrong....deathly wrong if you allow me to say. Lets say if you compare the duration of my life to the life of someone else my age who is not diagnosed Hiv+ statistics might say i would live 11 years less. So this person Hiv- might arrive until 61 years old in a normal lifespan... i might get to 50 years old.. i personally don't see much difference.. i have no idea of what i want to do once i am 50 years old anyways. Plus, there is always the chance that this Hiv- guy dies before... in a car accident, airplane crash, poisoned, in an assault, with a heart attack, cancer, anything.... you know guys, there are many different ways to die and hiv is just one more and funny... it is not the most common one. I am not trying to scare you, but i just want to say i hate people mentioning the duration of my life in their words "be happy now that you are alive" "enjoy your time while your are here" "Try to be happy for the rest of your life". You can save those comments purple. I plan to be here for long time yet.

As for my mother i know by tomorrow things will be ok again, that's how families are... blood is stronger than water someone said. Although i am definitely going alone to my Dr appointment next week.

I went to Luigi's farewell party the day before yesterday it was great night!!, i drunk 4 big glasses of beer (German size!!) and with the second one i was already happy :) i have never been much of a drinking guy.. but i had fun, i was very glad of seeing Luigi, and it was strange... last time i saw him in February... i was trying to give me words of hope about his time here in Ecuador we talked a lot, i was ok.. i was healthy... and now we met and i have hiv. It felt strange but didn't ruin that night, i stayed until around midnight then i went home. My family had been calling me all night to make sure i didn't get drunk plus i didn't force my health too much. I am fine... i am still a strong guy. I cannot post pics cause there was not much light at the bar last night, so we will have to wait for Luigi's pic.

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi everybody, i am sorry i could not blog before but i am having enormous challenges to connect to internet. I used to use my work connection at home, but now it is not possible and i am not sure it is going to be possible in the future. I can't pay for internet as it is obvious so my possibilities to blog are being limited lately. Plus... my laptop is crashing a lot lately :( like one of my ex used to say "that expensive piece of shit....". Well, right now i am at work trying to blog fast and concrete since there are lot of eyes around me.

So i am fine, i am alive and i am healthy, don't worry for that. Past weekend was fine i worked a lot but i also had the chance to attend an Aiesec camping day at Parque del Lago, which was a bit hard at the beginning but ended up quite fine. It was hard because i have developed fear to groups... the only reason i was going there was that Diana Patricia, Mayda and Ricardini told me they would go... and at the end none of them was there. I was about to quit the idea and come back home... but instead i decided to stay which was a great thing. I slowly became myself again... the same old JuanCa everybody knew.... joking, smiling, having fun... that was nice and i ended up that day quite happy. Here some pics.

ok, well that was really a good day and we arranged with the guys to meet to go to the watch a movie to Jorge's house. By the way, i am sorry i cannot post a song right now, in fact i am trying to write fast because i am afraid this shitty laptop (that i still need to pay) will crash. So the next thing

On Monday 25th of June i did my testimony about how is to live with Hiv in front to a group of 11 people working for a Health Care facility. Before telling you the whole thing, i think i never mentioned you the dates of my testimony, so here there are if anyone is in Guayaquil and have time to attend the sensibility training about Hiv and people living with it, let me know i might have the chance to get you a ticket :)

• Lunes 25 de Junio 3pm. Centro de diagnóstico Jose y Maria (Tulcán y Venezuela). (done)


• Jueves 5 de julio 09 am. Isla Trinitaria


• Miércoles 11 de Julio 10 am. Dispensario Palenque (outside Guayaquil)


• Lunes 30 de Julio 13:30 Dispensario Pedro Carbo (outside Guayaquil)

So well, i was appointed for the training because it was my own will. I was supposed to attend the conference and at the end deliver my testimony. Once i arrived to Vihda Foundation, Claudia my psychologist asked me to help her cause Maximiliano, the director, had to travel to USA urgently. She asked me to help her facilitating the roll calls. I accepted. I know it sounds fun and easy... we have done that houndred times in Aiesec, but it was not much fun nor easy for me at the beginning. I accepted because i always accept to help people... i should learn to say no. I was scared... almost terrified.... i am afraid of groups and even though Sunday camping day was a big help for me to recover my own confidence... i was not much sure i could be "the old JuanCa" everybody knew. I mean... the old JuanCa was funny guy and very open and friendly while facilitating.... current Juan Carlos is not... is not funny, is not open to other people, and does not facilitate since long. Current Juan Carlos.. is afraid of groups... is afraid of meeting others. I tried to remember our roll calls because i didn't really like those in the agenda... but i could not figure one.... i remembered some.. but none would have wanted to lie on the floor doing some sort of sexual positions ;). So i did my best, during the opening and introduction we did an activity where we had to talk to everybody and get to know us. I talked to lot of people and i had to smile... i was not smiling... i HAD to smile. I have never had to smile ... i was always very friendly and happy guy... seems i am not that much funny right now. Well we talked and people got relaxed.

I was worried and impacted by the lack of knowledge of these people... i mean... they still fear that using condom is not safe.... they still think that black, prostitutes and gays are "groups of risk". They don't understand there is no such a thing like a group of risk... we are ALL in risk. At the same time their lack of knowledge got me afraid of disclosing... i mean... i don't know why i expected they would know more about the issue and had less wrong ideas on what to live with Hiv was and who we Hiv+ people are. I was getting more and more afraid... but i was already there and i assumed that was my mission at least that monday. I got in sort of contact with the people, making jokes making them dance... having fun. Then my part arrived.

I first asked them who had had contact with an Hiv person before in personal way, not like a patient in the Health care facility... only two raised their hand. I told them that it was perhaps wrong, because at this time with the numbers we are having.... most of us have already met a Hiv+ person so far. Perhaps we don't know it, or the other person has not been opened about their status... or even worst, perhaps that person does not know he/she is Hiv+ because he/she has never taken the test... but yes, so far i am pretty sure most of us have met and greeted someone with Hiv. I told them i had a good friend of mine who is Hiv+ and he is a very cool guy and he was waiting outside the room... i would call him and for them to talk to him. I went out of the room and came in and said..."Hi I am Juan Carlos as you all know and i have Hiv". That was a HUGE SHOCK...ENORMOUS... I could feel it and even hear it... complete silence... like if the sky had fallen on them..... they all felt nervous, shocked sad.. scared.... a girl left the room... she said she had to go to University while smiling nervous.... another woman started to cry..... some others changed their attitude towards me... more defensive... perhaps they still though they could be in risk of infection.... after having said they would not discriminate a person living with Hiv.

That's how it is... people say i will never discriminate or i don't discriminate you... but they never get close to us.. thats discrimination too. I have invited my friends to cinema or hamburger... and none of those who said "JuanCa i understand you, everything will be fine" accepted... i have been discriminated too. When Javico went to the dentist at 8am and they told him to wait until 1pm... he was discriminated too. I remembered how black people were treated before the evolution of humankind....that's how some people treat me, treat us nowadays. I said all that to this people, and i told them that i heard them speaking about "risk groups" and all that... and i told them i was disappointed because they should know better. I explained my whole story... i asked them to read a part of a testimony of a person i copied from Poz blogs, saying...

We who live with HIV are your neighbours, your friends and lovers, your parents and children. We could be standing next to you in the check out line. We could be your lawyer or teacher. We could be you. We are you, because you live with HIV too. There will be someone who touches your life, in some way, who is living with HIV infection - whether you know it or not. Ann's Blog

I explained them that we all live with Hiv, i suffer from it, you fear of it, some others have to fight with it.... some others cry because of it... but we are all involved in this fight, whether you know it or not. YOU live with Hiv too.

I also tried to explain them that once they see me in the street they should not point me and say "He has hiv!!!" they should look at the person next to them and ask "have you taken the Hiv test?". By the way... have you taken it??? YOU the one reading this... have you taken it???.

I started to sweat... suddenly the room was too hot.... i was speaking and speaking and speaking... Claudia had to do a sign to me and say "lets go to the questions ;)". I was a bit out of control. Too much emotions... i could feel their shock.. i could feel mine...silly as it sounds i was not expecting they would be soooo shocked... perhaps i am so comfortable with myself right now and my status... that i though they would... plus none has been so shocked of meeting me before... i don't bite. I didn't feel good. I was the center of the attention... center of fear... center of the doubts...the center of the shock....i was in the center of this emotional Tsunami and was trying not to struggle but keep on floating..... i don't want to be under all that emotional charge.... i wanted to be above... where i could breathe and exist... despite all their fears... i need to be alive.

They made few questions, they were just too shocked someone thank me for telling them my story and other person said that it was good this kind of activities. One person said she disagree that Hiv+ would tell their status.. cause that would lead others to feel afraid, unsure. That if in other countries people are more opened it is over there and not here... and she left. I told the rest that we cannot keep on living hiding.. i don't have a reason to be hidden... i am a person, a human being. I have the right of having a normal life like any of you. I told them..."you have to fear the virus, not me. I am not the virus... i just suffer from it!!". We finished. People came to hug me, women kissed me.... and there was a woman asking me...."after diagnosed didn't you feel the desire of having sex with lot of people in infecting them with Hiv? I ask you because i knew i guy from my neighborhood who died of aids and their family as soon as he died they burned all his clothe and all his things. They told all the people that he died happy because before dying he had infected lot of woman by having sex with them". I replied... what you say has nothing to do with the Hiv, Hiv does not make a person bad or good... if the person is bad... he will keep on being bad with Hiv or without it. If the person is good, he will keep on being good with or without Hiv. As for me, i haven't been sleeping with and infecting others.... in fact my sexual desire have reduced a lot... really a lot because of the stress we all have of having someone's life in risk because of us. That's already a big weight we carry on our shoulders (when it should not be our business anyways... because each one of you should be sexually responsible to use protection... but we do care... at least most of us).

At the end of the whole thing... i was tired, shocked.. i felt like in a middle of a building in fire... or in the middle of fireworks... the whole thing was overwhelming..... i could not process the whole stuff i was like astonished and shocked... I went out of there with Claudia and helped her to take a taxi. I decided to walk.... while walking there was wind around all the warm overwhelming feeling was gone.... "wow... none looks at me anymore... i am just one more person... i am glad of being just me again". I know speaking up is needed... but i don't think i would like to dedicate to activism... perhaps it is just not for me. I talked to Claudia, she wrote me asking me about the whole thing and i told her what i am telling you all... plus i asked her that after these four sessions i wanted to have a couple of months free of speaking. Just for myself... to analyze all this and come up with a lesson for my life. She wrote to me that i am not obligated to do it again... that i should take my time to think about it and let her know whether i decide to do it at next sensibility sessions i had agreed, she said i was not forced to do it. I am thinking about it,...... i think i will do those missing.... but afterward i will take a rest of this..... sometimes it becomes too much.

Tonight it is Luigi's farewell party :((( buu... he is going back to Italy and messaged me to invite, so nice from him. I will be there tonight, it is long long long since i don't drink a beer :) or dance... i am becoming myself again and i want to celebrate a bit. I have no money to do it... but i hope i can at least try a few of alcohol tonight.

Well guys this is my update, i promise i will try to post often.... as often as i can. Big hugs, stay well and protect yourself.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: La Oreja de Van Gogh /Song: Geografía /Country: España

Today It was better day, sometimes after sleeping a lot i feel better next day. It seems i might catch a sore throat.... i have an amigdal swollen. It is ok, nothing to worry too much. It was a good day at work, i did lot of sales. Something unexpected happened, my co worker Rosa who is pregnant had to go to maternity tonight because it seems she will deliver her daughters in advance. I hope everything goes ok for her. Once she deliver her daughters she will stop working for two months... that would mean my schedules will change and increase... .. and my free days will be affected as well, but it does not imply any increase in my salary .... too bad.

The discussions inside the coalition of people living with aids have increased... they are having such fights.... it is amazing. I am very disappointed about them. Some people had told me i should be careful with them, now i understand they were right. I guess it is because there is lot of money involved in this "war against aids" and some people have stopped caring about the war.... but just focused about the money... too bad too. My friend from machala sent me some information about how the whole thing is organised... it is too complex....it is a very well done knot. Hard to solve... The whole stuff relies on about 9 people composing the MCP (Mecanismo de Coordinación País / Country coordination mechanism). This mechanism is composed by a representative from... National program against hiv (government), Police, Army, NGO's, a representative of positives men, a representative of positive women, a representative of positive gays, a representative of sexual workers and the president of the MCP. They are in charge of dealing with the Global Fund and develop strategies against Aids, Malaria and tuberculosis. My friend sent me several documents i need to go through in order to sort of understand the role of each body clearly....

Plus i really don't believe all members of MCP for instance are really focused on fighting this illness clearly. The MCP initiatives are evaluated by an international organisation in this case CARE. The other thing is that MCP is mostly focused on the relationship of the country and its organisations with the global fund. There is the other part of the fight done entirely by the Government, that part is out of anyone's hand. I mean government does or does not do what ever they want.... how can one push them to do things faster? to do things better? As it is obvious the health ministry and its representatives are not really up to move fast. It looks pretty complex to me... lets see.

Well as for the rest it was normal day, on sunday there is a camping activity with AIESEC i think Diana Patricia and Ricardo are going... they told me if i would like to go.... mmmm... i think so, even though i am a bit nervous and afraid. Although i guess it is time to go out of my lil safe box and... perhaps see the world a bit more. I still have time to do it.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Dixie Chicks /Song: Not ready to make nice /Country: USA

Sometimes i can't wake up and live.... sometimes i stay in the middle of the nightmare all day and night long...

Some days...i can't help myself.....

Today i woke up and fallen into sleep again... mother had to call me at 12h45... i get into work at 13h00. I arrived late... if she didn't call me i would have missed my working day. That's an idea of how sleepy i am. Mother is worried, she knows it is not normal... i know that too.... although i am much more gentle with my body... i know what is happening... i know... everyday i wake up there are less defences in my blood... and therefore the weakness.... i think my body has done lot for me during several years i treated it careless... abusing its good state and resistance... so if my body ask me to sleep now... i please it.

Got dressed to go to work, went to a mirror to brush my hair... God damn!!... i look terrible... i fear.... i see my face thinner.... and i am all with full beard... i look so shitty... i can't go working like that... i have the face of someone who is ill.... i don't want to look like that. I was never caring about my "image" i don't know how to combine colours, never buy designer clothe in fact to go to the University i always took the first jean and the first t-shirt that appeared in front of me. I always said "i come here to study not to model". Although now... i care about how i look, because i know i am slowly starting to look shitty. So i have to put more attention on how i look .... so i can hide a bit the illness i carry with me and how my body is ..... dying?... nope. Lets say "how my defences are failing".

I went to the store, had a sort of normal day... i didn't have lunch, i didn't have much money 4 usd. Around 4pm my stomach was really hungry.. damn, lets eat something. I went upstairs and buy some rice with meat and french fries (here they call it yapingacho). Tasty!!!... although i didn´t have anything to drink.. it would be too expensive, i alreayd wasted 2 usd. I went to bathroom to wash my hands... and looked myself at the mirror.... God... my face looks red!!!.... i mean i am white skin but my face looks red.... it looks red!!! My brain start flying.... could it be something??? can it be the hiv??? does everybody notice it??? do i have fever??? do i have hypertension??? what happens to my body??? i might be imagining this shit... come on Juan Carlos, keep the control... ok?... none ever mentioned Hiv would change the colour of your face so shut up and forget your fears. I went to the store, started to joke with the guys, started a joke with Rafael, about white people:

• JuanCa: aha, but you cannot compare your white skin with mine, i am white you look like too thin and like a death person LOL!!!! :)


• Rafael: aha, i am actually normally white, not like you bastard :) and your sort of white tanned skin with red face!!!! hahahahaha!!!

That was the end of the joke.... my face looks red and people notice it. FOR GOD SAKE MY FACE LOOKS RED!!!!!

Try to calm down juanca.... come on... calm down.... i stay online, chatting with friends, mother call me. She is going to spend night with me at home, cool i ask her if she has brought something to eat... i am hungry and there is nothing home (without electricity there is no fridge... everything spoils too fast, plus... there is no water). There is no water at the store too... they finished it. I have only 2 usd in my pocket now... i can´t buy a bottle of water... it costs 0.50usd. I need to save those 2 usd for lunch tomorrow. So i remain thirsty.

I talk to my sister about a new business idea and she likes it, i send an email to a friend to arrange a meeting we three. This guy works for Nokia as trade marketing representative and he is also christian believer, we talked about it today... in fact... he is attending same christian group i did attend long time ago (coincidence? huh?)... He says "you have to go back..." and looks at me with sad eyes. I was leader there and spent with them over 5 years... even more than in AIESEC. I think about it, i know i had good times there... but christians tend to believe "goods have to be together with the goods" and i like to help everybody. That's why i chosen Aiesec, and that does not mean i lost my personal relationship with God. Plus... i have Hiv.. and i am not sure how good i might sound for them now. My work does not allow me to attend the meetings of the christian group... there are several possible excuses. I scaped of it.

I get an email from my friend of machala, about the coalition of people living with aids in Ecuador. They are fighting. people from my city accuse the national secretary of misusing funds..... Oh My God... with these people we are going nowhere... now i know why nobody else complained about the viracept stuff... they are fighting among themselves.... losers. With such leadership we are not going anywhere in this war... i feel frustrated and disappointed.

I arrive home at 9.30pm i am tired, feeling strange... my mind.... my brain... i can't think, i can't focus.... i feel like i hate everything... everything bothers me.... i don't have headache... but i can't think.... i feel blocked... mother tells me to go to a restaurant 3 blocks far.... it sounds so far for me.... i don't want to go... i prefer to stay home.... we start to walk going there... and i ask my mother "do my face look red???" She answers "no, it does not". If she says so... then it is... i believe her. I trust her. I tell her about my mind... the way i feel... she says "be careful don't worry too much or you can have an aneurysm!!" Oh my God... aneurysm!!!! no no no... JuanCa... you have never had hypertension not anything wrong.... you cannot have aneurysm just right now.... we walk and talk about stuff and i get angry. I think she phrases things in negative ways all the time and i get angry.... we discuss... i tell her to go alone i will go home. I turn on the pc, and mother calls me... "are you coming?" I tell her... "i don't want... i am not hungry". She replies "you said you were hungry when i called you at work". I reflect... it is right... i was hungry.. what happens to me?. I answer "i'm just thirsty... ok, i am on my way there". I change my clothe... from a jean and a tshirt to a short and a small tshirt... while walking it is cold... but i feel it refreshes my body... it feels good. I was feeling too warm..... i have fever. I think i have internal fever, the inner temperature of my body has changed since diagnosed, i had noticed it before. I arrive and eat whole dinner... and drink two cokes... i needed something cold... wow.. that was good!!. I tell my mother, i have fever..... she touches me and says... you are fine. I believe i have fever.... it is internal, it is part of the symptoms... is my body fighting... luckily i don't sweat too much while sleeping which is another symptom... it is because i turn a fan and sleep without blanket and almost naked. One day i forgot to turn on the fan.... and i woke up at midnight... totally sweat......

After eating i feel better,.... and i reflect..... God... what kind of life i am having?... is this how my life is evolving?... feeling strange and sick and afraid... is this what i am becoming??.... is this how i will live the rest of my life???.... i want to say good night, today was not a good day.... it was too overwhelming... perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Alanis Morissette /Song: Simple Together /Country: Canada

I was feeling tired yesterday night, so i didn't blog and tried to wake up early today... which i did, just to turn on the pc and then fall sleep again. Although!!!... here i am one more time. Yesterday i made my way to the social security hospital... and guess what???

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OF MY MEDS.

Bullshit huh? aha... i know, i was very frustrated.. i though in going to make a big scandal to the chief of pharmacy, she is the last responsible for this stuff, i talked to her last time but it seems the bitch is doing nothing. I wanted to hit someone... to break something... have too much anger inside... i called my mother to tell her the news... she said "those bastards". I cannot imagine what to expect once i start taking meds..... can you imagine that? I asked when i could go to ask for my meds and they said "they didn't know". So i won't be taken them cause as established i cannot buy them right now. It is fine... i mean they are just vitamins, my sister told me she will try to see if they have some of them at home. I was basically needing:

Ascorbic Acid, B complex and Loratadine. The first two are for maintenance, i mean while my defences are falling the vitamins help my body to keep up (and perhaps avoid the tired feeling i am having) and Loratadine, is for dermatological purposes. So well.... gotta live without them.

I met Javico yesterday, he is travelling a week to Columbia for a congress on Hiv/Aids and people living with the disease. I am sorry but i though... a congress about Hiv/Aids?? i mean.....it has no cure... what else do i need to know?? Yeah well.. sometimes i feel like... "come guys it has no cure so whatever!". I asked him, he told me it is a congress about "Leadership for PVVS" (PLWA people living with Aids). Yes!! i like that, it sounds like our ALDS!!! oups... there are no alds anymore.. now they are called Exprolds or something like that.... at least last time i remember. I guess it is needed, leadership is one of the few things i have seen among the people living with aids, that's why most of them have chosen to accept the place society has wrongly given them.... darkness. That's why we hide, we fear and we are ashamed.... because people told us we should be, they made us feel that way... and it is not fair, if i am going to die someday (same like you all) i don't want to spend my last days, months or years hiding... nor being afraid or ashamed of myself... i am a good person, i didn't do anything wrong to others, it is not just. Javico will spend a week in Cali and then come back....ohh..I'll miss him.

They published my letter addressed to this Dr of the Infectology Hospital!!!! off course, they did it 48h later.... but at least they did and i got some support emails back. This was my letter, translated (this fucking Drs don't speak English.....)

Dear All:

Despite of the risk of sounding rude... i would like to express my point of view.

1. Dr Rodriguez and Mrs Ministry of Health,thanks a lot for taking into account the recall of viracept anti retroviral medicine.

2. I wonder why do we have to wait "during this week" to define alternative treatments, when it is well known that anti retroviral therapy CANNOT BE SUSPENDED.

I understand we all want to give a hand.... but sometimes it is matter of giving the hand "on time" and "time is what people living with Hiv/Aids don't have". A day or a week can make a big difference between developing resistance to the treatment or not.... i don't understand why things are still so bureaucratic here. If not ask it to me, IESS does not even have the vitamins i was prescribed to... if it would depend on them i would have been death already.

Sometimes it is matter of agilizing stuff. I am sorry but i feel not everybody involved in the "fight against aids" have the same urgency feeling as those in need. Sometimes it is matter of getting into our shoes. Juan Carlos

I got two emails back of people supporting me. First from a guy of machala whom i have talked by email before.

Hi Juan Carlos.
I saw your email through the Aids coordinator of El ORO province, addressed to the Director of Infectology Hospital and to the Chief of National programme against Aids and it is very good what you expose about the lack of agility to recall this meds. This is nothing for what you will have to keep on seeing and discovering while fighting my friend. I am forwarding you the first email about this issue sent by Roche on June 8th.... your comments were very appropriated now. Keep on going!! WELCOME TO THE TEAM...
Juan Cristobal

I got another email from Tito (yes, the fat guy who delivered the shocking-out-of-this-world-impossible-to-forget session on safe sex and condom usage)

I totally agree with you, i bet if it was a med that is been taken by most of the PVVS, people would be pushing them to find an alternative scheme of meds. Although as it is not common scheme for most of patients none is pushing them to find other options. We must push our organisational leaders to really perform as leaders giving strength to this claim because the life of everyone is important and that includes the life of our mates that were taking viracept. It is important our leaders worry about this as much as they worry about getting into global fund, that they remember that without patients... there is no fight, we all need it. Tito.

So.... it seems i have a small activist in me. Or perhaps non an activist, but at least someone who was able to speak up, you know me... i love speaking. I guess one should do like what Avril Lavigne says...

BE STRONG, STAND UP, MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Not sure if i did all that, because i don't think these Drs will move their fucking asses to do things faster. Although i said it... what others didn't notice or didn't want to say.... it is good to be new in this, i have no so much fear... i am not used to be treated like bullshit (yet...). I hope i will never get used to that............. but perhaps many days or years being treated the way i am being treated for health care authorities... might destroy the strength i have.... and will make me used to their negligence. I guess that's what happens to everybody.. and everyone...

People see unfair things around the world but none says a word, we are all getting used to it... and thats not right. As for me, i want to get more involved in this shitty war against aids and if God gives me the luck and the strength of not getting used to be treated like bullshit... i will kick the asses of this mother fucker negligent Drs. To be so irresponsible is also criminal.... and i am a good person, i won't let them become criminal... not if i can kick their asses to make them do their work properly. That's why i was educated to be a change agent... and agent nomad JuanCa is trying to do his work.

Change & out.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Paul McCartney & The Wings /Song: Live and let die (Shrek III Soundtrack) /Country: UK

Today i went to see Shrek III. I invited two friends but one didn't answer my sms ( i guess she was busy) and the other one asked me to invite him (meaning i should pay for him) and well... i just decided not to do it. I mean, i am not right now in a position to pay cinema tickets to anyone, right? We know that. Plus it is annoying that people come to you saying "ok i'll go with you if you invite me". Perhaps it is just that i am not that kind of person. Wherever i go, i do pay my stuff. Perhaps this friend didn't mean to sound rude... but well... it didn't sound nice either and i told him so.

Today morning i slept a lot, and it was strange... i found out myself on bed at noon, feeling depressed... and weak. I mean, it seemed that the most i would sleep the most i would feel depressed.... without a desire to go out. I was lot into depression when i was a teenager, but i am not much into that since 1996 when i became more spiritual person and developed a better relationship with God. You can call it a miracle if you want , but it is truth for me. I decided to stand up and live.

I went to the store to deliver some stuff, then went to the Social Security Hospital but arrived there late... around 3pm. For some reason they only work half day (what seems stupid for me....) so i will have to go back tomorrow morning. I went to pay to Centro Mundo Bank and they had already charged me 22 usd of interest to the 18.55USD payment i had to do.... isn't it usury?. Luckily i complained and they pardon that interest cause it has not been my fault not to pay them. I gotta be punctual with these people.

I received three days ago a letter from Guayaquil Bank (when i say the banks are hunting me... i am not exaggerating). They told me i have a debt of around 37usd in my current bank account because of overload (not sure if it is the right term). Which is funny... my current bank account with them is on 0 USD since February i think, but they charge me monthly some amount for "maintenance"... maintaining what? i don't know. So that's why i was "overloaded" and had a debt with them. The letter said that if i didn't pay that amount they would close my bank account and that would be a bad story for credit bureaus in the country. Well... i already have a terrible story with credit bureaus..... but i decided i would save that bank account, because it is hard to open one... and when this bad time ends up... i might not be allowed to open any because of the terrible credit story i am having. Lets put it like this....

Before i had

• 1 Current bank account


• 5 Saving bank accounts


• 2 Visa Credit cards


• 1 Mastercard Credit cards


• 3 Buying cards

Right now i have

• 1 Current bank account in 0 USD


• 4 Saving bank accounts in 0 USD (or minus xx USD.. i haven't checked them) and another with 22 USD


• 2 Visa Credit cards (1 blocked and cancelled, and other just blocked....hope so) (payment agreement with 1)


• 1 Mastercard credit card (blocked and cancelled) (payment agreement)


• 3 Buying cards (all blocked) (non being paid)

And those are NOT all my debts......mmmm Big change huh?. yeah... life change... before my current bank account used to have an average deposit of 800 usd. Now... well...

So i am expecting to lose almost everything i had built in my financial credit record, i wanted to be credit worthy in the past... now i just want to be alive, so i guess it is a good trade. I prefer to eat a bit instead of paying all the cards, off course they don't understand it. Yes i know... it wasn't wise to get so much stuff.... well in that moment i had money enough to spend on many things, credit cards were one, another was the gym at the 5 stars hotel (that cost almost 90usd per month in that time) plus acting lessons, and more... those old days huh?.

yeah well whatever, i want to save at least one of the credit cards (the visa that is not cancelled yet.....) and my current bank account. Not sure if i can save the buying cards yet, i think i might need the credit cards for my future, if one day i fall into hospital bed credit card would be a fast way of getting money when needed. Lets see....

So i have right now 22 USD until the end of the month... in fact i spent 3 USD in going to cinema today... soo.... it is clear why i could not pay someone else's ticket. So i have right now 19 usd to spend in 11 days. Although you have to take into account my mother asked me to pay phone bill tomorrow ( i don't speak over the phone but the basic charge is about 9.91 USD monthly). She said she will give me the money back later.... so lets do it. I know my financial situation looks like shit, i am getting used to this shit since December 06. I am so glad of not being ill (i mean having no symptoms).... otherwise i would suicide. That would be already too much. I am lucky my sisters support me with some money when i am out of it, usually a week before every payment. Don't worry i am surviving... i have survived 6 months... i can survive some more....things will improve... they HAVE TO.

After paying all that i went to the store for our meeting, it was cancelled. It is going to be next Wednesday. I went online and ...something happened. Yesterday night i found by instance on internet someone i knew. I know this person since 6 years ago. Nice person, interesting, smart and sexy... but we have never really spoke a lot, we met on internet yesterday night by chance... it was just a coincidence... exchange jokes and stuff like that.. then.... the conversation turned a bit more ... intimate, talking about the possibility of having sex. (It seems i am way more sexy than i imagined before... huh?... or it could be because of the Hiv added value...). We didn't define if we would do something... we just teased about it, but i knew.. i had to disclose...

I mean even if have protected sex with this person, there is no risk of infecting her. No risk at all. Although i know this person knows some of my friends and as all my friends know.... she will eventually get to know about my status.. and that would be a mess... she would worry, she would complain, she would be terrified and all that stuff. So i better disclosed ... i sort of liked this person, not like a one night stand... this person is smart... it could have been something more (who knows) but it had to start right. We were chatting and i said something like:

"You know.. it is cool that we chat now and our conversations are always funny... and some times spicy... but i think there is something you should know. I usually say this at the beginning because i like to be sincere with other people... and well... you have to know ... i am hiv+"

I was cold while writing and was breathing fast and my heart was jumping... for God sake.. it is the first time i disclose to someone i sort of like. Fear of rejection is huge....

This person remained silent for couple of minutes... i though: she faded away!!!. Then she answered: "oh really?, since when". Then we started to talk about the issue. Ufff... well... this person has been living abroad in the states and it happens she had met some other positive people in the past, but it seems she was never involved with them, just like friends. So we talked and talked yadda yadda yadda... and i told her to go with me to the cinema and she said she could not, but that i could find someone else before entering the cinema and flirt so I could see the film together with that person. It sounds like rejection but in a nice way.... whatever. I assumed it would happen... when i don't say i am positive, people think i am sexy and hot... when i disclose.. they think i am untouchable... or "rather non touchable". It sucks.

Sandra my friend from Mexico was online with me, giving me strength in those moments and she told me "send that fucking loser to the hell!!! she does not know how much she is loosing!!!. You are a sun!!!!" I wish everybody would think the same.

I was a bit down afterwards and was thinking not going to see any movie, i don't like to go to the cinema alone.... but i did. I did it for me, because my happiness should not depend on others. And i am glad i did, the movie was nice... and even if you think i am crazy... i found a message on the movie for my life (yes God also speaks through cartoon movies...i mean.. why not? he is God.. he can do whatever he wants!!). There was a part of the movie when someone said "you are who you are, not who others say you are?". And it is truth... i am who i am. I am Juan Carlos, i have re found myself... i am person living with Hiv. I am NOT a person dying due to Hiv.... I am a cute (or at least somehow attractive) guy living with HIV.... I am NOT the Hiv monster people might think. I am person living with HIV who is able to love and have a normal life.... not the non touchable sick guy some people think..... I am a person living with HIV.... I AM NOT HIV, i am not the disease... i just suffer from it.

I have it clear, hope everybody have it clear now too.... if not ... i have lot of time to explain it to the rest of the world, because i gotta be respected and treated well... or i will make them respect me and treat me well. I know who i am and i will live like that, i will not accept to live the way others "think" i should live just because of having Hiv... now way, I have the Hiv, but the Hiv bug DOES NOT HAVE ME.... and IT WON'T.

Thank you Shrek, you reminded me today who i am, and reminded me I am the king of my own life.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Seal /Song: Crazy /Country: UK

Hi, well.. i am sorry i took short vacations from blogging... sometimes one need space not to analyse stuff... but to live. Don't you think?

Well, these days have been somehow calmed.. i mean i have remained calmed despite several stuff around me. There are troubles at work, some internal fights... the good thing is that i am not involved , looks like i really learnt something about diplomacy while living in Moscow huh? . So despite the internal gossips and fights.. i am like nothing.

My niece has recovered perfectly from her surgery, i have been working... so i haven't seen her. But i call her twice or three times per day, poor girl. I have been fine these days, somehow worried because a girl from Thailand but living in Sweden messaged me from poz forums ( i don't know why everybody messages me....). She moved there with her boyfriend but they broke up... and she found out she is infected. She does not speak good English, so we have been trying to communicate, i have tried to give her some ideas on how to find help, she is having medical care for free but not having a job... damn... things are difficult for us sometimes, i am having a hard time but at least i have my family next to me.. she has none, even almost no friends. I told her to find a support group over there... i hope she can find some people giving her a hand.

These days there was a constant coming out in my life .... the question if i would ever find a partner.. i mean a formal romantic relationship with anyone. I have met some Hiv+ people who has done it, and not with a positive girl, sometimes with a negative one. I guess in other countries it is much more common the disclosure stuff... i mean... Hiv/Aids has been around for over 25 years right now in the USA and other countries, when you meet someone and this person tells you "I am seropositive" some people don't get surprised since they have known lot of seropositives before. I have already mentioned here i have met about 6 seropositives people before my diagnosis.. but i didn't know. None disclosed. I know something, i can't date a girl without disclosing my status... it would not be fair.... the question is... which girl would like to date a seropositive guy here in Ecuador? (off course i am nice and charming and smart and really good lover LOL, but i mean.... not taking into account my added value).. really in black and white... who would date a seropositive person here in Ecuador?. There are cases i know... but one in houndred thousands... statistics are not "positive" about it.

It has been 2 years since i broke up with my last serious relationship, and i was actually fine... i am not this guy dating and falling in love all the time. I am more cupid than romeo. It's just that these weekend i was thinking about it... i saw a couple of young boys buying in the store where i work, and i though:... "they look nice. I would look nice with someone too....". I must be crazy huh?. I guess i can survive without someone... i was just thinking it would be nice to have someone to talk to, to share my life with... or what rest of it.

Tomorrow free day!! ( sorry it might sounds like i have many free days but believe me it is not, i just have them during weekdays that's it). I am planing to go paying the bank stuff, then hopefully go to Social Security Hospital to get my meds... (even though i just think it is a waste of time....) and then i might go to my sister's place or stay home.. i have a meeting at work at 7pm. They always do meetings on my free days... July is coming... my next appointment with Dr will be on the first week. I guess it will be short, my health is almost fine... few stomach issues here and there but nothing to worry to much (i think) my next CD4 test would be on October this year (in case i am lucky enough to have my CD4 done twice per year... otherwise i will have to wait until next april) if the numbers are fine i will continue with my "normal" life. Otherwise the next part of the trip will start.... ARV meds.

By the way, there is a med called Viracept (Nelfinavir) that was recalled from Latin American market because it was discovered it was not produced with quality enough:

The recall of all formulations of Viracept has been generated by the presence of estér etílic of metanosulfonic acid in the active substance. The effect of this substance in humans has not been studied, even though researches in animals show that estér etilic of metanosulfonic acid is mutagenic. Although our report of risk evaluation shows that potential exposition to patients and the following risks is low. Anyways for the well of patients we have decided to recall all formulations of Viracept possibly affected. Letter Addressed from Roche Lab. Costa Rica to Agua Buena Aso. June 7th, 2007

The fucking shit is MUTAGENIC!!!. For God sake!!!.... don't we have enough troubles with Hiv??? Now the losers of Roche Lab. manufacture meds in bad state.... I wanted to kill them. The meds at least in Ecuador are totally recalled, none else is taking them... and i read that some organisations from Latin America will demand Roche Lab for their negligence. The worst part is that Viracept was part of a combo... it means it is part of a group of meds that have to be taken together EVERYDAY at the same time otherwise the treatment might not work. If treatment does not work or if it is not taken properly... virus will mutate (as well) and become resistant to that combo, which implies patients might have to take another meds which could be stronger....what a shit!!. Although it is not all, here in Ecuador they have recalled all viracepts but have not offered any other option in order for patients to keep with their treatment. I just got this email (it is good to be within the email list of the Coalition of Ecuadorians living with Hiv/Aids):

Dear camarades, the Infectology Diseases Hospital Dr. Jose D. Rodriguez Maridueña, following orders from our Ministry of Health through the chief of the National Programme of Hiv/Aids has proceeded to recall the mentioned medicine. Our technical committee of Hiv/Aids will study during this week every patient that were following such scheme in order to suggest them the best possible option with responsibility. Letter of Dr. Patricio Hernàndez Manrique Coordinator of VIH/SIDA. Infectology Diseases Hospital DR. JOSE D. RODRIGUEZ MARIDUEÑA, June 16th, 2007

Yeah well the other losers "will study during this week" all cases, animals!!! people cannot wait until their bureaucratic medical asses seat to study cases this week. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT THIS WEEKEND MOTHER FUCKERS!!!! People cannot skip their treatment a single day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid Drs!!!!. I wrote them back complaining.. but well.. i am not even sure if they will ever approve my letter (yeah... politics work also at the moment of "saving" lives).

They say they will study each case cause they DON'T KNOW HOW TO REFORMULATE THE TREATMENT. In other coutries you take genotype tests (or something like that) that shows you wich strain of hiv virus you have and to which arv meds it is resistant to.. but in this fucking country (i love this country but the Drs and hiv programmes here are just plain bullshit) those tests are not available... so what happens? The thing that happens is that Drs only guess what could be good for a patient, they dont know if the patient will react properly to the treatment.. the patient my get worst sooner while they try and try and try until finding the right type of med. Therefore Drs are so afraid of their lack of knowledge that a single Dr is not allowed to decide if a patient should change scheme of treatment (combo).... they have to be in a committee to take the decission, so in case the patient dies... no Dr is direclty linked to that death. So much fun, huh?

I am so angry and so frustrated.... i can only say this... i will do my best to stay without meds as long as i can... otherwise those losers Laboratories or those losers Drs, or those losers of Social Security Hospital WILL KILL ME!!! and not the Hiv.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Muse /Song: Feeling good /Country: UK

My older niece Andrea (10 years old) had surgery today, to solve a hernia that was bothering her. I know it is not such a complex thing... but i was very worried and scared.... damn...... She is a great girl, but hyperactive!!! (same like me). Well, the good part of this all is that the surgery happened today morning and right now 10.20am my sister called me saying she is already out of risk and right now in post surgery room.

Glad she is ok. Mom and I are waiting her back home soon!!

Labels: Personal

Artist: L'Âme Immortelle /Song: Life will never be the same again /Country: Austria

Yesterday night i was talking to someone i know since over a year ago about having sex. It would be safe (i am very cautious about this and i know this person too) therefore there was no risk of infecting anyone and no need to disclose my status... but then this person asked me about engaging in a risky activity (no sexual intercourse related).... I was about to answer: NO!. That would have been my direct answer in the past, i was very cautious about it. I never did risky senseless stuff, because i knew risk of infection is not high but not low while doing these things. Then i realised... i am already infected.

It was a weird feeling, somehow a mixture of release... because i don't have the weight and the fear of getting infected on my shoulders now.... i am already infected. I mean this person cannot infect me with Hiv, i already have it. Although i also felt sadness... because i was somehow careful with my sexual activities in the past... i never got involved in risky stuff. I was not the crazy guy doing all sort of unprotected things or sharing needles while taking drugs... like playing with the Russian roulette. In fact... i am pretty normal safe playing type of guy. If my calculations are right, i got infected last time i had unprotected sex with a person who was my platonic love since the first day we met (over 3 years ago). This person was diagnosed a month after our last sexual encounter, and didn't tell me. I got infected by having sex with someone i really liked and loved. That's sad .

It feels weird... and i am a bit down, i mean... i was careful... i was not looking for this... and when i felt i was with someone who was safe.... it was actually falling in the hole... The special moment i shared with someone i loved .... became the beginning of this Odyssey.

What was my answer to yesterday night question?... Maybe. I know i cannot get infected of Hiv now... but i could get re-infected (and yes... that's possible). Hiv virus has different mutations (strains)... some of those develop faster, some are more resistant to ARV medicine and so on. Having more than one strain... or receiving another strain while i am not on meds might end up in me developping resistance to the treatment. It would be not only a problem.... it would be BIG problem. Plus it is not only about the Hiv thing, what about all other sexually transmitted diseases? or HCV (Hepatitis C Virus) and so on and so on.

I know the person i was talking to and i knew we both liked to play safe all the time... so i knew this risky stuff might not happen and in fact it didn't. Plus, i just decided i won't trust anyone... despite how safe this person's behaviour/activities seem to be.

Since diagnosed, i was not put in a situation i would have to decide if involved in a situation that would have been risky in the past but that is not so risky for me now. I mean, in this specific activity there was no risk of infecting this other person, i would have been the only one in risk of infection.... but i am already infected. Some people after infected and facing what i faced yesterday night, get the strange feeling of freedom... they think: "I have hiv, so i can involve in risky activities because i already have it" or also think "I have Hiv+, i don't need to protect my health now.... after all... i am going to die".

I was never exposed to that situation before.... this is a trick, it is a tramp where most of us Hiv+ fall in. I know i am going to day some day, but at least yesterday night... i didn't force that day to come sooner.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Bjork /Song: Violently Happy /Country: Iceland

Quite happy today!! why? no reason actually, in fact the question should be... why not?. It was a cool day at work, tomorrow i will have free day and the day after as well and i am alive and healthy!!!! Isn't it enough reason to be happy??! I saw the sun today!!! I am learning to enjoy every single thing there is for me on this earth. I am in peace with myself and the Universe right now.

My stomach is getting better and better. Tomorrow i might do some stuff at home, then some kardex updating stuff at work, but i plan to finish it fast so i can spend most of the day at my sister's place... perhaps sleeping. I admit i have started to love it... i don't feel weak right now, but it is so pleasant to be sleeping yummie yummie!!. i will only have to be careful because my whole family has got flu... mmm well i hope i won't get it.

I like Bjork's songs, and i am sure i am not the only one. This one i chose today has a special phrase that i like right now:

"This small town hasn't got room for my big feelings"

and yes, my Happiness is BIG today!!!

Labels: New life

Artist: Dido /Song: See the Sun /Country: UK

Yesterday was a calmed day, few things here and few there. I would say i am 85 to 90% cured from my stomach, i expect that between today and tomorrow i will be totally fine. I am glad that these days i am finding lot of optimistic songs over internet, they fit quite well with my mood right now. I haven't paid to the bank yet, i am still not in list. Right now i also used part of the money i had saved to pay, but no problems, middle of month is coming so i am about to receive the other part of my payment. Once with it i am thinking what else to pay because is not enough for all my debts ....mmmm... gotta stablish priorities (and prepare to receive more phone calls from banks....).

I haven't started looking for another job. Some times my mind plays against me in this, but i need it ... so i will have to start moving my latin ass.

Anyways, whatever happens.... I promise you, you'll see the sun again!!

Labels: New life

It was cool day, at noon i cam back home from my sister place and called Javico to see if he wanted to join Diana Patricia and me. He agreed so i picked him up and we met Diana Patricia at Malecon around 5pm. We spent the rest of the afternoon walking, sightseeing, joking, talking over a cup of hot chocolate/cold tea. It was nice, and none said a word about Hiv. I felt quite ok, so that's it... sometimes simple easy days are just... awesome.

I needed one of those. Have a good night.

Labels: New life

Artist: Dschinghis Khan /Song: Moskau /Country: Germany

I had to blog again. Guess what? i turned on tv... and was zapping without much interest .... a movie, scientific data, a concert, other movie... hold on!!! that concert had something written in cyrilic on stage??? in Ecuadorian local channel???????????????? That does not happen.

Although i was right, in Mundo Canal they were broadcasting the Легенды Ретро-FM 2005, off course, you would say... what? Well Легенды Ретро-FM = Retro Legends FM concert (i translated without any help... i haven't forgotten my few Russian!!! Kruto!!!!Kanyeshna!!). I had actually never heard about this concert so i was curious... there were lot of singers performing... off course i didn't know most of them... suddenly.... Oh My God... i saw a camell on stage.... and some people dressed in ancient clothes....

Dschinghis Khan!!!!

Again you would say... who? Dschinghis Khan (pronounced "Jingis" Khan ) is an old pop group, originally from Germany, created on 1979 to compete on Eurovision song contest. Appearing at the height of the disco boom and following on the heels of other German-produced bands such as Boney M, Arabesque, and Silver Convention, the band achieved wide popularity throughout the world, especially in Europe, Russia, Australia and Japan, though they went wholly unnoticed in the United States. Their songs invariably were themed on historical figures and exotic cultures and locales. Dschinghis Khan are also known as "the mongols who amazed Europe in Eurovision". Here there is a link with the story of the group (Spanish)

The band, now assisted by young singer/dancer group "The Legacy of Dschinghis Khan", has a tour scheduled for Winter 2006 - Fall 2007. In the tour, their show will consist of "Cirque du Dschinghis Khan", featuring other performers, including Mongolian circus acts. Their announced dates are listed on the official website of the group and are subject to change. Their planned German national tour dates in January 2007 will coincide with the release of their latest CD called "7 Leben" (7 Lives). It will be their first release since 2004's Best Of compilation "Jubilee".

Dschinghis Khan is the German spelling of Genghis Khan, the name of the historical figure who founded the Mongol Empire.

As some of you know my likes regarding music are wide, but believe me, I have to tell you this... you have to see them on stage.... that's power!!!. I actually found some videos from the original group and the current one, i hope you enjoy them. The performance skills and the power the give to their songs..... left me astonished.

Dschinghis Khan performance of "Dschingis Khan" at Eurovision 1979

Dschinghis Khan performance of "Dschingis Khan" at Легенды Ретро-FM 2005

Yeap, with the years they sound and perform even better.

Dschinghis Khan performance of Moskau (English version the original one is in German) (i wanted to learn how this guy in red danced but i could not, even though... i know few steps now :)

"Moscow, Moscow, drinking Vodka all night long,
Keeps you happy, makes you strong, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, hey!"

Dschinghis Khan performance of Moskau at Легенды Ретро-FM concert 2005. AWESOME PERFORMANCE HUH?

I am feeling so much better now, for some reason everytime i hear a Russian song or get in contact with my remembrances of living there.... the strenght they taught me comes to my life again. I bet none of my friends there knew how important my year there was.... it has made and still makes a huge difference in me. Spasibo Bolschoe moi drugs, Ya lyublyu Rossia (i wish i could find the russian characters in this laptop).

and to finish.... i want to show you a pic of the most incredible group of individuals and perfect russians dancers that worked with me during a year... and made me feel proud of being russian too.

I am so proud of being partly Russian and have been worked with these great guys. ok, now i can finally go to sleep .... 03.44am

Official site of Dschingis Khan Dosvidanya!

Labels: New life, Personal, same illness

Artist: Alanis Morissette /Song: That i would be good /Country: Canada

Alanis Morissette and Sade have always the right words to describe how i feel myself some times, and right now i feel like this....

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good
whether with or without you

Feeling down process has begun... Tonight is officially one more low night in my life.... I am still sick. It is sort of normal to feel down when you are suffering for something during long time.. it affects you emotionally.... i guess i am not an exception. Stomach is still weak and the same. Few mins ago i was at toilet and lost lot of liquid... it feels like i lost my life everytime i go there.... spontaneously i said "God take this curse off of me!" then i realized what i had said... yes, sometimes this feels like curse, the diarrhoea thing. I feel i face the possibility of dying soon everytime i go to toilet and lose lot... really lot of liquid. I feel like if death would be in that moment in front of me.... and i am afraid. I know i might not die today or tomorrow but this situation and the illness scares the shit out of me (and yes i always find the right expressions at the right time, huh?).

I am at my sister place right now, blogging from my laptop... or well the laptop that will be finally mine after a month hopefully. I am about to finish paying it.... so glad, this laptop (that i am about to finish paying), the pocked pc (that i already paid) and the Hp desktop computer (i haven't paid yet) are the only things that last from my good times.... when i used to make around 700 usd per month. I remember my goals were... laptop, pocket pc, and credit cards... lot of credit cards....just for fun. I know it is not smart but well... in that time i could afford it, so i though yeah... i mean.. why not?. Now i know why not. I am trying not to loose everything i gained in those times.. even though the credit cards shit is almost lost.... i hope i can afford to keep my IT gadgets. It is not only vanity, for me it is the physical sign that i once was successful and achieved my goals in professional life. I am not sure if i will ever do it again, with such a weak health... but i don't want to loose what i gained before.

After blogging in the morning and solving stuff at home, my sister called me and told me she would pick me up to bring me her place. She is very nice, she knows i was free and ill... and well... what would i do home alone after all? So i came with her, we went shopping first to the supermarket. There i found an old friend from High school, hey that's so cool, we talked. His nickname was Quintin, he is a cool guy, he is Christian, and is one of those guys since you talk to him... you know he is not freak, it was a cool conversation after mmmmmm 11 or 12 years? It was cool. I didn't tell him i am poz, i don't need to tell it to everybody. Plus i feel sometimes people treat me different just because i am sick with this. I don't like it, i want to go back to be myself... in a social way at least. I used to be very popular guy , that was the good part of being red haired in a latin country, as you are different everybody recognizes you. I feel i lost a bit of that... i am just enclosed in my little world right now.... ill and fearing the death.... what an end for me huh?

We finished shopping at supermarket around 3.30pm and went to Duran to my sister's place. In the way i fallen slept.... i don't know when... i just woke up when we just arrived. That's also not normal in me... i was always active-sporty-never-resting-never-ill-always-funny-party-hard type of guy (this multi-forms of expressing things in English are unbelievable!!! I love them!!). We arrived home i had lunch, then automatically went to sleep... around 4 or 5pm. I could have slept until tomorrow but my mother woke me up at 9.30pm. My sister, her family and my mother were leaving to attend a Christian ceremony that would last all night long (wakefulness) and asked me if i wanted to go. I am a deep believer... but no.... i could not go there... no while i'm feeling so weak, plus having weak stomach. To stay awake all night would have been worst to me i know God understand me.

So i am home alone again.... but in another house. Anyways being here is better, there is electricity, no problems with water, air conditioner, TV cable, tasty food... i am like a king. This is just how i would have expected my life to be if i would not have had Hiv. Having a good normal life.... no worries would be nice. Well... nothing is perfect. Sometimes i feel that spending my free time with my family now is like taking advantage of my last moments. When i was in AIESEC i was never home, always trying to change the world.... and years after.... i just find myself trying to keep my life up. Perhaps if i knew this all before i would have never traded my time with my family for anything in this world.... not even making of it a better place for others. But i am glad i somehow contributed to make a better world, so now if i have to leave... i will be sure i did something good in life..... and i rather stop thinking about dying right? it is weird and i know i am not going to die soon... i know i am not going to die soon.... i know i am not going to die soon... i gotta write it in a peace of paper!!!! and repeat it houndred times.

I just talked to Walter, a Peruvian friend i met through poz forums, he so cool man and have been living with hiv for 10 years. He recently left hospital where he spent long time after suffering some infection in his lungs. He is ok now, he is a musician and was giving me some advice about food and about how to solve this stomach issue. It is cool, i somehow don't feel alone. I will have dinner and then turn on the tv and see something cool in the cable.

I talked with Diana Patricia and Javico, we might go out tomorrow and visit a new touristic part of the city that was just opened to the public (Santa Ana Port). Life goes on....

Labels: New life, same illness

Today i woke up feeling a bit better, yesterday night diarrhoea seemed to be disappearing... i though perhaps today i could skip imodium, it has proved to be very strong..... but today when i woke up and went to the toilet (i am like a cat... everyday same place, same time).... i found diarrhoea is still there. It has not changed much.... i am just not that "fluent" because of the imodium.... mmmm.... i will keep on imodium, i though i would be ok by monday at least.... now i think it will last a little longer. Today it is the 5th day of my illness..... too long huh? yeah i think the same .

Still with it i am not that worry, perhaps i should but even though i am loosing lot of liquid i don't feel myself weak yet. I am somehow eating same as usual... and with imodium i am not going to toilet 5 mins afterward, which is a good sign. My body is assimilating some nutrients from food i hope. It would be more dangerous for me if i would feel myself weak... that would certainly means my body is wasting. Off course, this is just my perception, i am not a Dr.... perhaps if a Dr sees me he will order serum or so. Ok, so my plan is to stick to the meds routine.... 1 imodium and 2 lactobacillus per day. I hope to be ok by monday or wednesday next week. If it does not happen.... i might go to see a Dr. Ok ok ... i know you think i should see a Dr now, but i think it is nothing serious, it would serious if you would have 5 days diarrhoea... but i am hiv+ ..... that will become sort of normal for the rest of my life. This is a path i have to walk carefully... as you can see.... there are many chances to fail.... and failure would eventually mean hit hospital bed.... which i am not up to.

I will also try not to think about this much, stress just makes the situation worst. Hiv+ people's health is very susceptible to stress.

I am home now, solving some stuff. Making some changes with the big desire to sleep, i will be able to do it in the afternoon. Didn't make much plans, after all... one cannot plan with a weak stomach huh?. I'll mostly stay home.

I had been thinking in finding a part time job to help me covering the financial challenges i am facing (banks are still calling me....), i was just afraid of my health... if i would get ill while starting a new part time job it would be suspicious.... well... i am unable to find a new job just by now. I will buy newspaper tomorrow and see if perhaps next week i can go delivering my cv somewhere once i get over this (i hope). I was just thinking in something silly.... Do you know that here in Ecuador once your boss gets to know you are Hiv+ you are fired almost immediately?....even though it is illegal. My question is... how can a Hiv/Aids living person afford medicines and so on without a job?. People sometimes don't reflect about their actions. Hiv/Aids living people should keep on working, first because they need it to cover their health issues and second because they are not a risk for anyone. I wish someone would understand it. There are few of those... i wish there would be more.

Today Valentin wrote to me, after several days of my e-mail telling him all about my illness. His e-mail was something like: "So sorry you are doing bad, i am doing ok, i will send you an email telling you how good i am so you can cheer up". LOL. At first i got annoyed.... i mean.. come on guy, you are my best friend but i don't need anyone telling me i am doing bad... i know it. Plus, i am not doing bad... come on, i am just... having it harder. That's it. Then i though... aha... you want me to read how nice your life is... thinking it would make me happy? when it will actually make me see how shitty my life is, huh?. And i just then understood, and remembered some situations i faced long time ago.... while living in Moscow. It is so funny, but there is a big difference on how people think here and over there, even in logical ways of dealing with things... i had forgotten it. I know Valentin is sincere and has a good heart and good intentions, well... perhaps reading about someone else's happiness will help me realize i can recover my own, don't you think?. He is such a great guy, believe me he is.

Well, just to finish this post i hope you liked the song i posted today. Francis Cabrel is the most popular French singer in Latin America, he is a truly poet and has great songs with deep meaning that are able to touch all hearts. He is also singing in Spanish so that makes him cooler .

Ok, have a good day, peace and love

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Lauryn Hill /Song: Oh Jerusalem (MTV Unplugged) /Country: USA

Well, at least today i didn't have much stomach ache... but diarrhoea is still there. Acute diarrhoea. I got to made all my stuff in the morning, i couldn't pay the debt again... ... well better for me, with my mom arrived late to the opening ceremony of this training for people interested about Hiv/Aids, it had already finished. No probs. She brought me lunch so we seated at the Malecon and i ate.

I told her... "i have diarrhoea"... she looked at me saying "again???" it was same thing my sister told me the day before... "again????". Yes, again, it is not normal on me... and they know it... but well.. i am just doing a back up with them. I don't want to get them worried but this newly diagnosed guy with a plan knows he needs a hidden card, just in case something goes wrong..... my family is that card. I am giving them a signal of warning: yes the bug is moving and bothering me.... At the same time telling them i am fine, i know how to fight it.... but.... if something happens to me, or if i fail to stop the diarrhoea and start loosing weight without noticing it or control it .... they will be ready to help me and won't be taken by surprise. Also.... i have heard of cases of people getting really bad and weak suddenly... weak enough not to be able to reach hospital by themselves.... so they call someone... a friend, someone... we need someone near.... so that person will move us to the hospital when we cannot do it, that's one difference between living and dying..... if you live, it is because there is usually someone next to you giving you a hand....... or two. I know that if one day i am too weak... i just need to call my sister and say "help..." i don't even need to finish the sentence... nor to explain anything... she or my mother will come from the other side of the world to pick me up and take to the hospital, I am way lucky... other's cannot do that. What would you do if a friend calls you right now and tell you "help me i am ill... i have aids". what do you know about the illness? will you fear let you think clearly? what will you say to him? how would you react? whom would you ask for information? would you understand if he has a critical status or if he will recover?... will you move your ass and start doing something despite questioning yourself "what do i do now"?.... would you excuse yourself and hang out the phone?

That's when this stupid discrimination becomes criminal. Because many people around the world has none next to them... they cannot tell their parents, couples, friends, brothers, uncles, co workers, teachers, bosses about their illness. If one day i am really sick at my job... they will not know what happens to me... nor what to do.... nor whom to call. Why? because i could not tell them i have hiv and my health is weak and i am having this or that specific problem... "so in case something happens to me... make sure of doing this or that, or giving me this med or that one"... i cannot tell them cause they won't hear me. They will send me away before i ever begin to explain. It is criminal when something stupid and without a real reason puts other's health and life on risk. Discrimination toward Hiv+ people is a CRIMINAL act.

I have a friend called Luczi, she is mother of a person living with aids and contacted me through my hiv blog at poz.com. She asked me something very interesting yesterday, it was about if living with Hiv was like a long agony.... i don't think so. I don't feel i am dying.... i just feel it is getting hard to keep on living. Which might sound the same but in fact it is not. I don't think hiv is going to kill me right now... i just get tired of having so much medical issues specially because i was always a healthy guy. Humans are animals of costumes people say... so perhaps after long time i will deal better with the side effects of the illness and the medicines.... or perhaps no. Even if it sounds unbelievable, i have read posts of people having such strong side effects... they say they are worst than illness itself... some of them struggle years and years .... some others not. Some choose another way out... not taking meds at all, which can be translated as SUICIDE.

Hiv/AIDS cannot kill you, thats for sure, but it takes away all your defences so in a moment.. without meds... without stopping the virus... some simple and non harmful organism for most of the people could kill you (example: Pneumocystis jiroveci responsible for Pneumocystis pneumonia, or PCP). I bet you didn't know about this one, huh? neither did i.

Some people have decided to suicide. It takes them... years, or sometimes months before their day arrives... and they know it. They are not crazy people choosing to die, they are just people who cannot stand the illness no more and take a decision about living.... or not living anymore. I have learnt something through these exactly 90 days of my diagnosis.... the horror of pain can go beyond of what can be said in words.... and way beyond of what a human being can stand sometimes. None of you could understand it... i didn't at the beginning... but now i do. And i know... to choose passing away is an option to me as well. Yes, it is, i know it and i thank God, this option is over there... because if one day... i feel i cannot get over this... i can't stand it anymore.... i could choose to past away. And i don't feel guilty, nor ashame of saying so... i guess it is my right to decide about my living and about how much pain i want or can stand.... it is my only truth that none else will understand cause you are not facing this. I have even told Claudia, my psychologist, who asked me not to think about it.."once we are in that moment, we will see". My mother and sister does not know my way of thinking about this. This one will be my last card, the very very very very last one... and if i am lucky/strong enough i might never use it.

So far so good... some people say, i want to say that too. And i am working on it, but i want you to know we all should respect pain... and all those who face it, not only hiv+ people... but all those suffering extreme situations. I have always said Hiv+ are fighters... and i have always said i don't want to survive but to live.... but i am afraid ... i have to admit... i feel like surviving this virus right now. I feel like a survivor, look at me... diarrhoea... something stupid that all of you could solve in a day or two... is bothering three days and could actually send me to hospital bed. And what am i? three months diagnosed? .... i though i would need years to face situations that would be really dangerous but no... this shit (way literally appropriated ... huh?) is dangerous from the beginning. Well, i can be a survivor perhaps, but it does not mean i am not a fighter. I AM... and the best is that i am a stubborn fighter... those are the worst!! because we don't surrender easily.

I just wish some of you would be more open about this issue not with me, because i am not near you... and i won't need your help (none knows) but... about others around you... there will be in a moment someone who is hiv + next to you... and you won't notice but your actions and words will tell this person if you will be there for him/her when the time for showing real friendship comes. Think about it.

I also would like you all to understand... discriminating Hiv+ is not just, apart from being criminal. Look at me... we have so many troubles... so many worries and fears... do we need more?. You answer this.

So well, lets examine the landscape.... i took an imodium today and by tonight it had already done its work. No more diarrhoea but.... it left my stomach constipated. That's the point with imodium it cuts your diarrhoea but it also block your body to expels anything. So... imodium once per day will be fine it seems. The other issue with imodium is that it does not solve the problem of diarrhoea, thats where Lactobacillus comes in. I took a dose of Lacteol Forte tonight, it should be working by tomorrow morning... because right now i am having stomach ache. ...mmm... hold on.. i gotta go somewhere.

Ok i am back, so like i was saying.. by tomorrow the first effects of meds should be showing. In the mean time i will also be on diet, no fats, nothing made of milk, etc. Uh Oh... unexpected situation right now... i am starting to feel pain in my kidneys.... like if someone would be squeezing them. I am not joking... mmm... where does this come from? last time imodium didn't bother my kidneys (eventhough it was emphasised in prescription i have to drink extra water while taking these pills). It could be gases mmm... ok, i will drink a big glass of water right now and see how i wake up tomorrow.

Changing topic, i will finally have the weekend free!!! that's actually very good. I haven't made plans yet but i want to do some re organising at home.. lets see. I have had some Artem's Fans requesting me another song from him, so here it comes. The song is called "Where is my lovely" (MP3 4.30MB Right click, save target as). For all those who don't know about Artem Sennikovsky is a friend of mine (yes, in real life) who is Russian and a very talented singer (and hiv+ friendly by the way)... got such a voice!!. So download his song (that is not available on stores yet) and judge by yourself... i know you will like it. 2.32am here... gotta go to sleep ( i have to do something not to go to bed so late....). Good night.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Presuntos Implicados / Song: Gente / Country: Spain

I am still sick... sick and a bit angry. First i went to have a haircut today... and just when this man was about to start (i go to a barber... you know.. I am macho style) ... he got some bad news.... i though "uh oh....i hope he is not going to mess up with my hair". He did. I don't like how it ended up, it is too short. I had to use a cap the whole day.

Then i had to pay the first part of the financial agreement i signed for my debt with Banco Centro Mundo, but they were just bought by Banco del Pichincha and all their info is a mess. Off course i would think "great! they don't have me in their database!" but come on... lets be realistic. I should have paid it yesterday and i could not pay even today.

I have been sick the whole day... with acute diarrhoea. I have made my mind... if it does not disappear by tomorrow morning i will come back to imodium and lactobacillus. I have had lot of pain and gas in my stomach . I didn't feel well the whole day. At work i had to simulate i was ok, they cannot know i am ill.... they will start gossipping "perhaps he has aids". It is an stupid costume that Ecuadorians has developed in the recent years...they think:

• if you have flu... perhaps he has aids.


• If you have diarrhoea.... perhaps he has aids.


• If you lost weight..... oh my God he has aids!!!!


• If you say you are ill..... oh my God he is going to die of AIIIIIIDDDDDSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

It is actually way stupid, and it is not my imagination... i know some aiesecers though "JuanCa has aids!" as soon as i said i was ill. Come on!. Ok, this time you were not totally wrong, but still it is way stupid that people start making images in their mind... about someone else's life or health. LET ME BE FREE. Well, i had to simulate the whole day... and perhaps that's why i got fever.... and stomach ache.... but i can't tell anyone.... i can't skip working hours, nor tell others i am ill... they will start to gossip and i risk my work. Now i remember Scott words when he said: "I have always felt there is something seriously wrong with living with an illness you couldn't feel comfortable talking to others about". Aha, if one day something really bad happens to me... i can't tell anyone... why? because none will understand. None will help. All because the lack of understanding of most of the people around the world.... i am angry!!!!!. I am ill... can't i have just a little respect so i can have a normal life????? can't i live without being hidden to all people around me?? without fearing someone will say "Oh JuanCa has aids!!!!". It is cruel. I am ill... let me rest... let me be in peace... i don't need gossips nor silly fears around me. Don't i have enough troubles trying to stay alive???????? I DO!!!!!!!!!

This is the part i hate the most of this illness... when people don't help but bother.

I read at poz forums that this diarrhoea stuff is not going to go definitely... every poz around the world is having some periods of diarrhoea several times during the year. It seems the virus works hard to kill the intestinal flora in our stomach, causing we cannot retain food... nor liquids. If diarrhoea is not stopped people develop "wasting syndrome" or something else. Now you know the secret why some poz dies very thin.... together with the lost of water and all proteins from food and so on....you start loosing muscular mass.

Although i am not going to let that happen to me off course, i am a newly diagnosed-smart-guy who has a plan. So tomorrow morning... Imodium and Lactobacillus will come back to my life to help me. Looks like i will become good friend of them.

Everything with this virus was calmed until now... i though in fact it had stopped bothering me.... and that i could spend some years feeling ok.... but no. I know the party is just starting.... it is going slow... but Hiv is already dancing. Gotta learn to dance too.

I am frustrated... and angry... i want to break something.... just in case you didn't notice.... i have always been healthy... my whole life... i had a stone made stomach and i was able to eat anything at anytime... and now... i am just not myself anymore. Prior to my diagnosis I didn't have diarrhoea in a year or more... and this year i am already having two... first one lasted a month and a half... YES... A MONTH AND A HALF.... and now this one. I don't like it. I hate it. I want to be healthy again , i want to be me... one more time . .

There are more troubles coming. I used to have some dermatological issues on my scalp. Dandruff. It was actually not severe.. so i didn't worry much. Once diagnosed poz, i was told any dermatological issue one has... becomes worst. I went to see dermatologist but without success (by the way... did i mention I didn't receive my meds at Social Security Hospital yet???... they say they are still out of stock... Bastards!!!). Well.. today i was trying to find some info about it because the issue is becoming very aggressive and i read this:

Seborrheic dermatitis is a common disease that affects 2%-4% of the general population. However, up to 85% of HIV-infected people experience seborrheic dermatitis at some time after they acquire the infection. The cause of seborrheic dermatitis is unknown, but many investigators believe the yeast, Pityrosporum ovale, plays a role in the disease. It is further postulated that the alteration of the immune system in HIV-AIDS changes the way the skin responds to this yeast leading to the higher rate of infection. The Effect of the HIV Virus on Seborrheic Dermatitis

Well... the guys at poz gave me some advice on how to work on this issue... it is annoying.. to know one cannot be cured of not a thing, but several ones. I guess that's what bother the most... it test your tolerance.

I wish i could keep on writing but it is 2.31am and i am home alone, tired, with fever, gas and stomach ache. i guess i'd rather go to sleep. I didn't eat tonight... my stomach was in too much pain. Tomorrow i have to wake up early to open the store, then go to the bank to see if i can finally pay that shit, then my mother want me to go with her downtown for the opening ceremony of a training for people interested in knowing more about hiv/aids.

By the way, Claudia wrote to me and gave me the dates for my testimony during the sensibility sessions.... to say true... i don't know what i will say... recently i have just found myself blocked about this. I feel tired and annoyed of thinking about it and remember it. Perhaps it is just the days i am going through.... i have to calm down. I am never in good mood when i am ill..... and as i cannot be cured of this.... i will remain ill forever ...It's so frustrating!. Good night.

Labels: New life, same illness

Play this song!!

Hi, i just wrote to Valentin and told him all.... well... i didn't really wanted to talk about it, but it was ok to do it after all. Claudia told me yesterday that sensiblity training will be on 25th this month and asked me to confirm her if i would go. I said Yes. She was happy and thanked me.

There is something wrong with my health since yesterday.... diarrhoea came back again... i don't know why, because i have been sort of careful with my food. I could not sleep properly because of it, i was feeling sick yesterday night and today i am still with diarrhoea.... my stomage bother me. I may have ate something wrong... but i don't know what... perhaps i should really stop eating hamburguers

Yesterday, two people who posted at poz with some doubts if they were infected or not added me to their msn messenger (without asking me first) and talked to me. They were very worried about being infected, but well... luckily i made them understand their situations were not risky at all. It is good to help others. And we became friends after that chat, isn't funny how friendship starts sometimes?

I am not feeling ok today... my stomage hurts a bit. I hope i get better through the day... i don't like to be ill. By the way, what about this music thing in my blog? isn't it cool? Off course it is!!! I LOVE IT!!!! And now i will make you listen some of the best singers/song i have discovered in this 30 years of good living

Labels: New life, same illness

Valja wrote to me!!!!!!!!!

I was worried.. so wrote to him the day before yesterday to see if he had received my letter.... i was scared.... i didn't know what to expect... when i saw his email tonight... my heart jumped and i was afraid.... but he is my best friend.. come on, life cannot be so bad.... i cannot lose my best friend in this world as well.... then i read this:

Hi, JuanCa,

I read your last week letter. It's a pity to know and I understand how deeply you are depressed, but it is doesn't mean that my friendship to you is changed somehow because of that.
Life changes, but I don't. I'm still same man which supported you in Moscow when you needed help and I'm ready to do it now!
Comme on, man, how you could think I can turn away from you because of that?
Pls write me detailed letter and explain everything!

Hug you strong,

Valja

yes, he is a great guy.... this is just a single prove why he is my very best friend in the world. I am happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was such a happy day!!!!

Labels: New life, same illness

What if God was one of us?

Yes, i know it is a song from Joan Osborne but also soundtrack of one of the best tv series i have seen "Joan of Arcadia".

The story behind the Tv series is quite nice and particular. A girl who talks to God. Aha, to God. Although what is really funny and interesting is that Joan (Amber Tamblyn) is not the type of girl one think God would approach and say "Hi, I'm God". She is nice girl but not a prospect of Saint. She is a bit lazy, have never been great student, just like any other typical girl, but Joan care for others well being. And well, the fact one is not perfect does not mean God won't to talk to us. In fact i think God talk to those lost lambs even more than all others.

God asked Joan to do some things we would find strange.... gardening project, learn chess, get into advance chemistry class (well... i guess we would expect God ask us to do that) but much more... God asked Joan to feel... to relate with others and get into other's lives.... and without a clue of what she was doing.... slowly she realised how a small movement.... can make a big change.

It was broadcasted originally by CBS in Usa, with success but for some reason they just stopped the filming at the end of the second season. Here in Ecuador, channel 5 broadcasted during some time... at a terrible schedule, Sundays at midnight or 1am. It is amazing the lack of good likes from Tv channels over here, this is the type of series everyone should see because it is not religious, but human. I did stayed awake to see it. Way before Hiv+ by the way.

Joan felt she was doing silly things for God... i mean.... gardening? is that what one has to do to change the world?? Get into chemistry class??? what about activism on Irak to stop the war??? wouldn't it be more "God's Style"?? .... No. God taught Joan we all have a place on this earth and on his plan... and we don't need to do impressive things to make a change, we only have to be ourselves... and follow our hearts and God's guide to fulfil our goal on earth. Still with it... Joan had some hard times... i mean... following God in doing what seems simple could be seen as something easy... but we all know that following God's suggestion and doing what is right... is never easy.

The TV series had incredible soundtrack, composed by some of the most reflective and beautiful songs ever written. All the info about the show is at CBS Site. One of the songs is the one that motivated this blog.

Apart from all that there were several good things in series, for example. The faces of God. During the whole series there was a rule that was clearly explained.... God has different faces. We all might expect God coming from sky dressed in white, surrounded with light and a huge army of angels. ..... but in the series, it was proposed that God comes to talk to us using normal faces... God could be a punk rocker, a mature woman, a black man playing chess, a black waitress, a mimo.... a handsome young boy. God is much more human than we are used to think.... and it is certainly next to us. Here a pic of some of God's faces during the show.

I really liked that part, because it is truth. Most of us think about God as too pure to talk to us, and not like a father who is worried about us and always checking on us.

There were several lessons Joan needed to learn, and they were not all easy. Some of them were.

Joan's brother had an accident (before she started to talk to God) and once she asked God to cure him... to make a miracle... but God answered: "if i make exceptions it would not be fair for everybody, rules are to be followed... everything a person do has a consequence, you can only give him love Joan.. but he has to learn to live with the consequences of his actions".

Once God suggested Joan to find a part time job where she could help others... and in a bus she met a woman who needed a babysitter. Joan met the little boy she would look after... and then realised he had a strange illness in terminal phase... and that this 7 years old kid would die soon. Joan argued with God and told him "your plan is not right, people suffer... it is not working". God replied that the plan was perfect, because it was about making people grow and become better individuals.... and relate to others.... and yes, sometimes that hurts, but one cannot avoid being hurt... because if you try to do so... you stop living.. In this path.. everyone has different goals and time to be placed on earth "some will leave sooner, Joan... but during their short lives, they might impact other individuals and change them".

Joan had a best friend, Judith. She was a rebel. Skipping classes, drinking a lot, perhaps even doing drugs. They were both quite different... but who said that for being a real friend one has to be equal to the other?. They went through a lot together, but one day.... Judith died.

I don't have it very clear how but as for what i saw she was in a party and someone gave her drugs and until she fallen down on the floor and lost conscience. Then she was at hospital and could not recover.... she passed away. It was a big hit for Joan.... cause Judith died in front of her. I know i can relate to that... because eventhough it is years (perhaps over 10) that i don't lose anyone in my family one day i will... and i remember how is to suffer for loosing someone nice in our lives. Here some pics of that moment.

I had made an animation file about this moment but well... it did not work (or i didn't do it well) so i think you better watch out these videos from youtube... they are really touching.

and here another video

Here two reviews about the series from other Ecuadorian bloggers (Spanish) Majo Blog, Luis Blog

Apart from the whole story there is something interesting i would like to point out. I think God talk to us everyday. Off course, it is not a person seating next to me and calling my attention to say "hi, I am God". I just think that God uses situations and others people lives and words to talk to us everyday, or to be with us in the difficult moments, to warn us before things happen, and to comfort us once we start a long and difficult path. Somehow, i guess his plan is still running all around us, in our lives... but sometimes we don't notice it nor hear or talk to him.

The day i was diagnosed Hiv+ something strange happened to me, i really never took it into account in that moment because well... i was totally out of place when i first got the news, but now looking back in time i remember.... When i got off from bus to go to the Lab where i first got my results of eliza test, there was an old woman in the street... she was something like 70 years old. She was in my way to the Lab and was walking slowly and looking at me.... and without looking at anywhere else. I though she would ask me for something but as i passed next to her she did not.... she just looked at me. Strange i though, but kept on walking, i was worried about other things.

It took me 20mins approx to get my world destroyed and my life devastated.... i got the test results, and left the laboratory with my heart and myself trembling of fear... panic.... terror.... and talking to God... asking him to give me strength... and helping me to keep on believing in him. As most of you know... this illness has literally put all my believes in test... and i have lost my faith sometimes.... i admit it, it has came back slowly afterwards, perhaps because for me to believe is not something i have to do, or i should do.... i do it because for me it is a truth i can't deny or avoid, just my personal opinion. The thing is... when i left the Lab i was lost... i walked with my mind in other place..... went a different path in direction to the malecon.... and suddenly i found same old woman in front of me, i was in the middle of the block and she was at the end of it, walking the corner to cross the street.... she looked at me, staring at me one more time.... just looking, not saying anything. Out of nothing i though "will she be God?", i though about it only once and then deleted the though cause i though i was getting crazy.... plus.... the shock i was living was just big enough to consume all my thoughts. I kept walking... she kept looking at me... with a face of understanding..... i though "i must have such a terrible face right now... that it is evident for others i am unwell".... got angry, she kept on looking... and i just passed next to her... ignoring her.... i didn't need a stranger looking at me with understanding face. I left her without looking back, lost in my own world or the lost of it.

Sometimes, now i think back and i think that was perhaps God. Off course, i don't mean it in the religious-what-a-miracle way people would take my words but i mean that perhaps that person was in that specific moment the way that God used to tell me he cared about me... and understood how bad it felt to be diagnosed Hiv+. Since that day i have commented here different ways i think God has talked to me before and after my diagnosis. Off course, like everything related to faith this is not something everybody has to agree, this is just my personal way of thinking, my personal faith.

I guess the meaning of Joan Osborne's song is that. What do we do if God talk to us? do we listen? do we reply and start a conversation? but much more important.... are we able to see God in everyone we meet (or at least in some) and in everything happening to us? Perhaps .... we haven't heard it but he is calling for a conversation. Why not? Food for though.

Labels: New life, same illness, Spiritual

Today i met Claudia (my psychologist) after about a month or so. It was good, it was short too but we came out with some important points. Prior to go there i was analysing my life and seeing that i was not feeling happy. I mean... look at me.... I am a newly diagnosed Hiv+ and my situation is great... i have a job, i have stable health, i have knowledge and ways to contact others around the world to learn more about the disease, i have the cultural level enough to understand the scientific facts and tricks of the illness, i have the support (somehow) from my family and my friends (did i say "somehow" already?..), i have access to free medical care. I am actually.... the one who should complain less... because there are others facing totally different and painful situations. Off course mine is not perfect as you all know, but still with it, i am way ok.

I wasn't feeling happy.... i was looking around and seeing everything was actually ok, i have no symptoms... i mean i could tell someone i have no hiv and people would believe it... i have nothing that points i am infected.... but i wasn't happy. Claudia made me understand that i had all the reasons mentioned above to be happy but i have this trend to desire more.... to think i would be happier if i would have this, or that, or if this thing was different... or that other one. When one looks at other´s yards... they always seem to be better - she said. It is time that you learn to realise you have everything you need to be happy... because by having too high expectations about things and life and yourself... you have developed a block against happiness and it is preventing you to feel it and see it. You know... there are so many people who would desire be like you and you don't understand it.

She is right, i have all reasons in the world to be happy. I learnt it today, and she told me i have to develop the costume to realise how lucky i really am more often... keeping myself in my present not in my desires of past or future things. Everything changes all the time, but what i own... is my present. That was such a good advisethat it made my day. I also talked to her saying that i wanted to help.... how? she asked. I don't know i said - I just know i want to do something, i want to help other newly diagnosed people... perhaps going with them to take their exams or i don't know talking to them... or doing something... eventhough... i have to admit that i fear that if i go with someone to receive the answer of the test... and the person comes out poz and he/she starts crying... i will cry ass well... i am not sure i can manage that yet. She agreed it was too soon for me to do that...I mean, i am all that you want... good friend, a smart guy, a good person..... but not strong enough yet to see someone be diagnosed Hiv+ and falling down in despair.... that would be like experiencing my own diagnosis once again.... and i can't do it... i just can't.... it was too hard....

She told me mmm well, you know we will running some sensibility sessions for care givers in some medical points. Perhaps you can come and talk to them about your experience as being Poz. MMM? That actually sounds good.... i mean a way to help others is doing what i am doing with you.... letting other people know how it feels to be poz. It is the only way people would realise the importance of preventing the illness as well as the importance of not discriminating poz people. Yeah we are ill... but we are not dangerous, i mean... we have enough troubles in our lives to suffer because of you, don't you think?. I said yes, i want to talk to others... i want to say few things i disagree about the way that people see us and deal with us... but much more important.. i want to let them see inside of this. Only understanding us... they will be able to help us (and i have my own stories with care givers at hospitals... like some of you had read already). I also asked her about letting me to attend one of these sensibility sessions, i have never been to one (well.. my SDL/LDS left me quite sensible but it was in 1998). So, she will confirm me and let me go there and see.... and if i click then i speak... that sounds good, no push, no pressure... just doing what it feels right to do, in the moment i'll feel ok to do it. I like that.

I know i will cry, i know it. I cried after writing to Valjia (who has not replied to me yet).... i cried because to tell others about this is like re calling the sad remembrances of this months once more, i don't know how to explain it... the pain is too much, it is really too much. I didn't want anyone else to know i still cry sometimes (it is embarrasing).... I know myself and i think i might cry during my first testimony, ... but crying or not... i need to help others with this... few people dare to speak about it... but "someone must stand up for what's right. 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice, there ours shall go singing" like the song says. So lets see... it seems this whole thing is going somewhere else.....

have a good day, tomorrow i have it long long long.. working from 10am and 10pm. I am poz, and i am sometimes tired... but i am not lazy

Labels: New life, same illness

It is going to be three days and Valja didn't reply my e-mail. I am getting worried about it.

Today i have appointment with Claudia, my psychologist, after a month of not seeing her, i guess it is time.

I am deciding to make some changes in my life now and getting out a bit of my comfort zone. I will force myself to do so.

End of the month and more troubles coming, debts, debts, debts... it seems i won't have my credit cards unblocked.

Sometimes i would not like to wake up and live my life. To be sleeping without any worry.. sounds quite ok

Labels: New life, same illness