Nomad JuanCa's Report

Testimony in Pedro Carbo

Finally today i had my last testimony in the HIV sensibility trainings hold by Redima. Today we travelled to Pedro Carbo, a small town two hours far from Guayaquil. The place is nice even though i find the paths to go there quite small... but well, with Monika driving thats not much a problem, she is really a car racer!!.

There is a clinic in there, big.. of course not as big as those in Guayaquil but it is yet big for the city... the person in charge is sister Elizabeth (originally from Korea... so i guess her original name was not Elizabeth... not sure). She is a person member of this catholic mission. What can i say... it was nice, except for one thing....

As we were arriving to the clinic... i saw.... someone i knew.... an alumni.

David Guevara, originally from Quito (not sure if any of you remember him) was right at the door of the clinic... i almost die.... i though he would be in the session... can you imagine?? I mean i like David, he is such a coooooooool guy, very cool i know he was one of the first guys i met from Aiesec Quito and we were great friends always, but we haven't talked in years... i though he would get a heart attack once he knew about me... i was very nervous... started trembling and speaking fast while greeting him, then Claudia told.. "don't worry, talk to him... but
remember if you don't want to do it... no problem". She is always very nice with me and she understand how difficult is the disclosure part... plus i guess i am very evident when i am afraid... i can't even speak properly.... but i though what do i do? i mean it was my commitment to speak... not for them, but for the people who is going to be diagnosed in these places... usually clinic workers never talk to patients as a human being... just like "a client" i bet there are lot of questions that seronegative people would like to ask to a poz like me... but they don't cause they are afraid... but the fear... is the biggest trouble we have. That fear is what prevent me to live normally and interact with the rest of the world... and that fear is what prevent some people to
talk to me and realise i am still a normal person, yes i have hiv so what? some others have flu, diabetes, cancer, hepatitis, acne, diarrhoea, short view, fever, dandruff... i mean it is really JUST ONE MORE ILLNESS. It is not the end of the world... it is not a punishment from above... it is not "the sign of the beast"... come on!!.

Well.... i decided i would speak... but in order to avoid David to suffer a heart attack i would talk to him before and disclose... so Monika and Claudia got into the clinic while i was talking to David, he is working for a foundation called "a roof for everybody" so he was working in Pedro Carbo building a house, he would stay there for some time and then go back to Quito and then travel to Chile in October. ahh.. by the way... he was not to attend the training... so i didn't disclose. I mean... the fact he does not know won't kill him... plus if i told him, it wouldn't give any extra value to him nor to our friendship since we rarely see each other. So we talked, exchanged phone numbers have some laugh and that was it. I think i want to go Quito :) i have some good friends there i would like to visit... plus i always liked the weather there... here is just too hot, hehehe thats funny... after going "cold" during 2 years (1 in Quito and 1 in Moscow) now i can't stand the temperature in Guayaquil :).

Well, to make it short, there were 15 people in the training, Drs and nurses, in Pedro Carbo they have already found some Hiv cases, but still very few... once found (by taking a fast test = Elisa) they direct the patients to the National Institute of Infectology so the patients can take the confirmation test paying only 5 usd that's cheap.. mine cost 12 usd). And after that.... well... after that they leave the patient int he hands of the government programme (which is actually not the best hands for anyone in this country....). That's something they are worried and trying to change, so i will keep on talking to Ma. Isabel and Monika about ways to provide support to new diagnosed and ways to empower them with an appropriated view of their condition and their life expectations. We gotta build a new generation of Hiv poz in this country... not like those profiting from funds of Global Fund and doing really nothing to help others not to fight against hiv.

By the way, talking to Claudia and Monika i found i was right... people working in the MCP of the Global Fund are CRAP. I was talking to them that i have had fights with Santiago (Secretary of the Coalition of PVVS) and Dr. Lilly (President of the MCP) and they told me... "who Dr Lilly? Lilly Marquez??? she is a nightmare!!! she does really nothing for anyone" and about the coalition they said "we have only heard bad comments of the coalition....they also do nothing at all". Yes.. i knew it, pity that those are the "heads" in the fight against Hiv/Aids in this country... so you see... we are lost before starting to fight.... damn.... i feel like a person without head. Ok, gotta try to change that... now i remember Devrim's Blog motto... "how about a revolution?".

About my part, it was nice... they were about to cry, but none did. I was much more in control with my emotions... so i had not the typical trembling in my face... i was a normal guy, who is hiv poz and who is not afraid nor ashamed. And i talked to them since that position. First i asked them to write two questions they would ask to a poz person if they would have got anyone to talk to ... then i told them we had invited a friend who is hiv poz (some of them suspected it was me because they saw none else coming in the car with us... mmmm they are smart!) so i told them that person it was me. Yeah.. still with it, they got surprised, i guess i look great lol!!! i mean none would ever think i am ill. First of all as usual... you can feel the sadness of the people.. when having a poz in front of them... mmmm.... (.....)...... i guess is normal, a diagnosis like this one is hard for everybody, even for those who are not diagnosed, i understand them... i have been in both sides.

I started to talk, telling them my story and how things happened and how before diagnosed i was like most of you reading this.... unaware Aids was free spread all around the world, and no... it is not even that... it is not that just aids is spread all around the world... aids was just next to me and i was blind and didn't see it. Have you seen it? Open your eyes and see the truth... don't do same mistake i did. I told them how i went far from the two first known people who disclosed their status to me. I didn't treat them bad... i talked to them, i hugged them... then went home and deleted them from my messenger. I kicked them out of my life (without telling them) i
guess it is the same i am facing with the people i knew from Guayaquil, those who knows my status are only there to send nice words but never there when i want to go out, go to the cinema, go dancing... whenever i try to do something with someone more than just Diana Patricia and Javico.... none appears. Yeah i was left alone... that's ok, i did the same with others.. so i guess i have to deal with it. I told them how i thought that being away of "the circle of risk" i would never get infected... which was quite stupid ... cause there is no circle of risk... or if there is one... it does not enclose few people... it enclose the whole humankind. We are all in risk. Therefore we all have to protect ourselves.... yeah i learnt my lesson. Hard way but i did learn it.

I answered their questions, most commons were... How did i get infected? when? by who? how did i feel? how i am feeling now? who knows? who is with me? how does it feels to be on meds? (which i couldn't answer since i am not on meds yet), what would i do if none let me work? do i still have goals in life?. For the last two questions i answered. If none let me work or if i am fired from a company due to my condition.. i will make such a huge scandal... i will go to court and i will establish a demand.. off course i will and i will put my name and signature on it, because i mean.. i can work, i am not a risk for anyone... i have rights and i will make everybody to respect them... even if that is the last thing i do in my life... i won't die like an non respected person.. no way.... i will die same way i came to this world.. LIKE A HUMAN BEING. About my goals in life.. yes i do have them, University is still in my mind... not because of the tittle... but because i want to get graduated... for some reason i don't want to die like a non graduated... i mean... this might sound silly or arrogant... but i think... i am a smart guy, my brain had worked a lot to learn many things, since mathematics to medicine and all stuff related to Hiv and.... English medical terms (which is a great asset!! come on!! now i could study medicine in English anywhere :)))!!! ) .... so... i think i am pleasing myself and my body... if i want to eat... i try to eat what i want.. because i want to please my body, and now... my brain asked me one thing.... my brain wants to get a bachelor degree before we all (me and all the rest of my body) past away.... I like the idea. I want a bachelor degree before dying. (Taking into account i won't die anytime soon!!!! remember... the fact i am having Hiv DOES NOT MEAN I WILL DIE
SOON, thats the truth.. face it and record it... and spread it all around the world... having hiv does not mean dying, not if appropriated treatment is available). So well, those are few of my goals... ahhh.. and i want to lose weight... come on i am too fat, i could roll over my belly.

I guess they all got the idea of the testimony, cause when we were leaving the all gave me the hand and kissed my cheek, without fear. I knew after we left while we were going down stairs they were all looking at me and talking between themselves... don't know what they were saying... but i saw them looking at me. I just hope they saw in me faith, passion for living and much more important.. A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. Some days i like to be me, like today...
because despite hiv and all the shitty stuff that happens to me often.... i am still alive and kicking. That's another goal accomplished everyday.

Ahhhhh and off course, sometimes changing the world has its rewards!!!! Like the three slices of this pizza i ate FOR FREE!!!! YUMMIE!!!! (This will sound silly but i never though they would have pizza in Pedro Carbo... wow... globalisation amazes me sometimes)

Oh yeah i love to be A Change Agent!!!! Are you one of those too???? Believe me to make of this a better world... feels great!!! (and the pizza in Pedro Carbo tastes DELICIOUS!!! isn't it huge??? imagine three of those... wow!!!!... got hungry again)

testing to see why my blogger is not posting

On Sunday

Artist: Bjork /Song: Army of Me /Country: Iceland

Since Friday i am feeling better. I guess i am a workoholic... to be busy helps me out not to depress not to think about all the things going on in my life. Gotta work on it because being Hiv+... one day i might not be able to work... for some time... perhaps while being in Hospital so i guess it is not smart to depend on an activity to feel better. Plus... i know what you all think... it is a way to avoid thinking or facing reality...avoid facing my problems....well, perhaps you are right... and yes, ok i admit it.. it is true. I call it occupational therapy... not sure if it is right or wrong, but come on... give me a break... i am going through a lot, if you were in my shoes you would do same i do.

I finally solved a problem with a client, so he signed for a service we are offering. The other refused, something stupid from the company i work for is that they have settle high standards for clients signing for long term contracts of service. Which is stupid cause it makes them sell less. Although who makes them understand?.

On friday something funny happened to me, i was at work with Ricardo, a co worker, when my mobile rang... it was an unknown phone number, off course i would never answer. I don't take unknown phone calls now. Ricardo saw the phone ringing and asked me "aren't you going to answer?" I replied "No, it might be a bank". The phone kept on ringing and he said "I'll answer them and tell them you are not here". So he did. He was speaking and i was making him signals saying to tell whoever this person was that i was not there and i had left the phone forgotten.... then Ricard said "Who's this? Ma. Isabel Cabrera?? Oh Juan Carlos is not here..". At this time i was making signals to him to tell her i was here!!!! Ma. Isabel is the girl from CARE Ecuador i met while giving my testimony.

Well, we sort of fixed it saying that I was just arriving ;) back to office. I talked to her, it was very nice and she thanked me for the ideas i wrote to her about Support Groups for HIV+ people. We spoke and i also sent her the links of the vids that people from Poz made in IAS Australia. We talked good time, it was cool she is a very nice girl, then she asked me something that got me out of place.... "So what are your plans tonight?". I though... plans? what plans?...yeah so silly from me.... i guess i tend to be on "business/battle mode" when i speak about Hiv and tend to forget people also have lives and like to go out. Ma. Isabel is originally from Quito but moved to Guayaquil to work for Care in this project. Well... she realised i was sort of "out of track" and changed the topic, plus i did the wrong thing in telling her i had been feeling down lately... I guess no girl finds that "sexy". I wasn't interested in her finding me sexy.... i mean.... i was just thinking of her like any other project leader... like a person who works with hiv poz people... not like woman. Sandra from Mexico told me that perhaps she wanted to go out with me.... well... you see?... i am out of practice. Anyways we agreed with Ma. Isabel to meet during the week so i can meet Care office in Guayaquil...business mode... remember... business mode.

This will sound silly but i am starting to doubt a woman who is seronegative and knows i am seropositive will ever want to have a relationship with me. In my experience, to all of those people i have told my status all of them have lost the sexual interest IMMEDIATLY. Which is silly because having protected sex with me IS NOT RISKY. Again... who will make them understand?. Although i know there are some couples who are serodiscordant (guy poz/girl neg or viceversa) who have years married and they have never had troubles of infection with the negative partner.... it is just that i doubt it yet applies to Ecuador where people barely know the info of the disease. In fact, i dated a girl on friday (i didn't have plans but later on i had them) and we were talking about a tv series where there is a guy who is hiv- dating another person who is hiv+. Off course this girl does not know my status... and when she told me about this tv soup opera i was quite surprised and asked her: "would you do the same? would you date a hiv+ person?". She replied: "NO way!!! I am not crazy!!!". Oh yeah... some seronegative people and their nice ways of speaking.... i guess most of people "think" that when they speak there are no hiv+ people nearby... but believe me... we are all around.... and we hear those not so nice comments too.

It seemed stupid from her, i mean they are broadcasting on tv about a serodiscordant relationship in which the negative person is not getting infected and she still tells me "condoms are not totally safe" ...BULLSHIT!!! Condoms are safe bloody blind!! What do you think they are trying to teach you on that tv show??? that you can have a relationship with any0ne like me without risking your health!!!. Useless.... i think sometimes the effort to break stigma are useless... you can put in front of them clear examples showing discrimination is not right and not based of scientific data... but.... they just see what they want to see.... and understand and believe what their close mind allows them (in this i am not talking about women, but about EVERYONE in general). So i preferred not to waste my time with her... she was a girl with not so much brain as she prooved it that night.

Changing topic, i have found a job announcement that seems to fit my profile: "Someone who speaks english well and is good with computers".. the announcement says nothing about the work but i guess it would be something of teaching or stuff like that... i have decided to apply. Lets see... as it is sunday and i am at work i will also surf on newspapers websites to see if i find something else worth applying to.

Tomorrow i will have my third testimony, and the last one... finally. It has been a nice experience, but it has also been a bit difficult emotionally....emotional tsumani. I survived it so i might repeat the experience in the future.. after all.. someone has to speak up in this country. I have met by coincidence some of the people that now know my status in different places... once at the book festival downtown.... by coincidence at work, and in some other places... sometimes they don't come closer to me... or i don't closer to them... but i feel they look at me from distance like saying "over there is a person living with hiv/aids" and i hug my family in those times... because yes.. i am a person living with Hiv/Aids... but i am not totally alone in this world, i am loved by those who matter to me. I am not an alive death... i am a guy who keeps on living or trying to live. My life would be easier if everybody around me would make it easier....just a bit... it would help me lot. You know... the fight to survive is never easy...

I am a lucky guy, i am not alone... i am loved, and love is not perfect... but i have it from my family members .. and that has saved my world and my life countless times... i guess none knows it, perhaps if it wasn't for them i would not be here today. Today it is worth living because i am loved. Thanks God.

I haven't yet coordinate with Claudia where to meet for the testimony tomorrow. I hope they didn't forget about it hehehe.

Well, changing topic yesterday i saw a video that is worth sharing... i hope you all like Bjork, she is amazing woman. I was bored at work yesterday night and openned a live performance of her song "Joga" and it was amazing... i have always loved the way she sings... she mix herself with the music and her passion for her work really touches me... also her desire to make things new everyday. Check out this performance and specially... check out the movements of her hands... opening and closing... like a heartbeat... pum pum... pum pum... beautiful song.

BJÖRK - JOGA


Wish you a great coming week.

3am and i just finished watching Norbit, WHAT A FUNNY MOVIE!!! Have a good day.... (finally going to bed)

Labels: New life

Today i was feeling ...same like yesterday... ok, lets face it... i am feeling down. It is a strange kind of depression... or fatigue... i mean i don't feel sad... but don't feel happy... i feel.. without a reason to live... without a reason to wake up in the morning and do something about my life... about me.

I have usually heard that for being depressed you have to feel sad... but i don't. I am not sad... i am just careless... without any motivation. Don't know why. Yeah... these two days have been those days when i feel too overwhelmed for all that is happening to me... plus being completely alone at home does not help me much. Mom came yesterday night and stayed here with me. Today she saw my face... she knows how i look like when i am unmotivated. She knows that sometimes i stay on my bed.. trying to sleep the whole day just not think about all that is going on around me... somehow wishing i would never have to wake up and face this all again and again... it is like the movie, i don't remember the name... when a guy wakes up everyday and he has to repeat same stuff again and again. Sometimes i feel the same, facing the same troubles again and again.

I am failing with my meds.... Yesterday i missed two doses of Aciclovir... i didn't mention but yesterday i was in bed until 5pm... so i missed the pills at 9am and 1pm. Today i woke up at 12am... i missed one doses.... well... right now that i am writing i just realised i missed the doses of 9pm. I totally forgot about it... it should not be a problem for me since it is meds for labial herpes, but if i would be in ARV... i would have been killing myself... i can't miss doses... shit!. I will take my acyclovir doses of midnight right now... now i know why my lips are not totally healed by now :(.

My mother also know that when i am down... i seat on a chair... and only think. And think and think and think... sometimes she calls me... but i don't hear her... when i think about all my troubles it is so overwhelming that it literally takes me out of the world... i can spend hours seated in a chair with my mind somewhere else.. in my mind... i think what can i do to fix my troubles, i sometimes remember the hard times i have had to face... i feel the fear... the fear i would fail in all this and i might not get over it... and sometimes in my mind i also dream... ¿how would have it been if i had a nice life? what others call normal life.

I have been checking jobs... but i don't feel i qualify for some of them, first because of the University degree... second because they request to be able to travel, sometimes abroad and now i cannot. Since being Hiv positive my chances of going abroad have been limited cause there are several countries like USA, Australia and others who have restrictions for Poz visitors. I heard even Russia has it... which is totally sad cause i really wanted to go there once again in my life. I want to see Moscow again.. the Kremlin, the thumb of the unknown soldier... the change of guards... take the metro... go to Propaganda club.

My mother is smart, when she sees i am flying.. she pulls me to the earth... today she told me "Juan carlos, come to help me cooking!". I don't like cooking and she knows it... i am better on the eating side of kitchen ;))) but today to cook with her was better than enclosing myself in the war inside my mind. It was ok, food was tasty... as she left she told me to do some other things and i realised i have wasted most of the two free days i had... doing nothing. Time just flew and i didn't know how... sometimes i go on my computer and play "Age of Empires" a strategy game that takes me up to 2 hours to finish... but since i rised the difficulty level from easy to hard... it is not fun anymore cause i loose very fast :( i will change the level to moderate. I got angry with Ricardini today, he is having birthday on weekend and invited me but as i will be working, i told him to go out tonight. he agreed, it was 2 days ago. He said he would also go with a friend of him who is coming from France. To say truth... i felt he was afraid of me. His friend didn't arrive... so tonight he told me "Oh i had forgotten about your invitation". I got angry. I was thinking in going out and seeing people, talk to someone... i needed to go out... i have been enclosed at home these two days... and he didn't care... off course, he said i was overreacting... i think it was stupid from me to think that a 24yo person would be able to understand how i feel. And no... i didn't go out after all... stayed home :(

Since the other day i think this song is somehow talking about myself...

4 Non Blondes - Drifting

What a wonderful hesitation
Who would bear to feel sorry for me
Dropped another pill just to calm me
Collapsed to my knees and fell fast into sleep

There I was drifting
Way out into the sunshine
Expecting to crash but Im tied to a string
Look at me Im a tangled puppet
I might be a mess but I sure can survive

Find myself awake counting sad days
1-2-3 thats too many for me
Dropped another pill just to find me
Reached for my hand
But it was already there

Then I started believin
That I fell out of a tiny raindrop
That lost its way when it decided to roam
Chasing me was a hungry dweller
But I had escaped it by pretending to die

Come follow me you wont expect the illusion
Youll see, its my imagination
Hand me your eyes
I will put them in front of mine
Youll see a little better
Youll see a little better

What a wonderful destination
Where I am now
I can no longer see
Dropped another pill just to kill me
Collapsed to my knees
And fell fast into sleep

There I was drifting
Way out into the sunshine
Expecting to crash but Im tiet to a string
Look at me Im a tangled puppet
I might be a mess but I sure can survive
But I had escaped it by pretending to die

In case you haven't heard this song you have to... it is so nice... the voice of Linda Perry is amazing... don't worry i am not trying to kill me... not now, not today... and hopefully not any time soon... i am just tired of fighting. None pays attention to my needs... the activits... the other day were saying they haven ensure viral load test for free for patients in the National Plan against Aids... and i am not into that plan because i am working and i have social security (that as you all know is plain bullshit). I have complained to them.. but none answers me ... i mean i am ecuadorian, i have hiv... I NEED THE FUCKING VIRAL LOAD TEST!!!!. Mother fuckers... but they just ignore me... they don't even answer me.... i don't understand, if they know Social Security Hospital does not give me full attention... ¿¿¿why the hell they sent me there??? ¿¿¿Only to die??? Only for them not to have ... ¿¿one weight more in their shoulders??... they really don't care if i live or not... sometimes i wish i could kill them. Speaking figurative off course... they are such a bunch of useless people ....

Well i have lot of reasons to feel tired and down.... Still with it when my mother left, i went to wash some stuff i had wanted to wash since the other day... my house is a mess... i want to fix it a bit...i feel like fixing at least the place where i live i am somehow fixing my world... just a little.. but that little makes a difference. I did it, then i collected and thrown away some useless papers i had on my desk. I created a free pop email account to gather all info about Hiv email lists i am subscribed... i wanted to do it since some time ago finally today i did it. i was surfing online and found this video.... made by Poz magazine delegates at IAS in Australia.

---

Regan Hofmann interviews Maura Elaripe Mea, the first HIV-positive woman to come forward publicly in her country. Through Igat Hope, the national network of people living with HIV/AIDS in PNG, Maura and others fight AIDS discrimination while spreading information and hope.

11 minutes. Transcript coming soon.

---

(...............)

And after seeing that video i found a reason to stand up again.... i just wish changes in humanity would not be so slow.... sometimes i fear i might not be here when things really happen and get better. The only i can do by now is keep on trying... damn... there are so many things to do yet.... the time to start doing them is NOW.

I am still trying to find a new job, part time or full time... hope it happens soon and it happens for good. And i hope... i can somehow meet the Director of the National Plan against Aids in this country some day... i have so many things to tell her.... so many things... I am so furious inside with all of them and with all this useless people daring to call themselves activists... damn.... i want to kick some asses

ok, i better stop to think about them now, i am trying to watch the video and then i will eat something and see an Eddy Murphy movie "Norbit" to see if i can relax a bit... then to sleep...

Tomorrow will be a new better day. I really hope so.

Labels: New life, same illness

Today we had Holiday here, so glad i also have my free days. I have had some bad times at work lately, nothing to do with my bosses or co workers, but i am just getting tired of this work. I think i will try to move somewhere else. It is actually not easy decission as i have to take several things into account... moving to a new job means a high risk for me now.

The holiday was ok... i stayed in bed the whole day... simply had nothing to do... i wasn't aware i would be free on holiday and well.. all the people i knew had plans except me. Plus i am broken so... my bed was a good place to be today. I missed my times in Moscow, in days like this Valja always called me to go out and do something, or if not i was always walking around... thats the good part of living somewhere else... specially in Moscow, wherever you walk everything is totally new... and amazing... and beautiful. I miss those nights walking in the middle of the snow storms... seeing something new. None called me today... so i had nothing to do, i felt a bit lonely.

I don't blame anyone. I guess i need to make more and new friends, today i found out i had none to talk to... none to go out... my work and my schedules have slowly taken me apart from all the people i knew. Now, when they have plans, they don't count with me cause i am usually working... need to change my world in this part.

Anyways it was a calmed day, lonely calmed day.

By the way "Viva Guayaquil". :-/

Labels: New life, same illness

Sunday night's opening ceremony of the International AIDS Society conference commenced with a performance of native dance by local Aboriginal people. Even in the context of a modern, high-tech conference center, the primeval rhythms of the dance and music transported us to a time long before there were Europeans and Westerners here--long before AIDS had found its way into the world. As Tim has covered the content of the opening ceremony so well on our conference coverage page on POZ.com and AIDSmeds.com, I'll refrain from repeating it here...but I do want to say a few words about Maura Elaripe Mea, an HIV-positive woman who was the first person to come forward and reveal her status in her native land of Papua New Guinea. She gave a fantastic keynote speech.

It was interesting to watch another woman tell her story. Though we are from lands tens of thousands of miles away - and have different jobs (she is a nurse) - we have experienced many of the same issues and feelings around being HIV positive and disclosing our status. She founded, along with 19 other positive people, a group called Igat Hope -- Papua New Guinea's version of The National Association of People with AIDS.

She spoke eloquently and passionately about the need for people living with HIV/AIDS to come forward so that others may learn not to fear those living with the virus. My favorite suggestion she offered was that others "talk to us, not about us." It was so reassuring to know that others living with the disease around the world agree with me about the power of HIV positive people's unique ability to change the way the world perceives this disease. And she made an excellent point that when people fear those living with HIV/AIDS, it makes it hard for us to be able to take good care of ourselves.

She used the example of how HIV positive people should be supported so that we can work to bring ourselves out of the poverty that HIV so often brings into our lives as we struggle to pay for medicines and treatment. I heard similar sentiments expressed in Vietnam - some of the people working at NGOs and ASOs there emphasized the need to help positive people keep jobs and perhaps find a job they could do closer to home (like raising water buffalo) so that they could keep productive and have income even if they could not work at a more physically taxing job, or were ousted from a job by others who were not comfortable working beside people who were HIV positive. I think it's so important for people to know how much their understanding and support can help people living with the disease be self-sufficient. Maura is a brave and wonderful woman...I'd say more about her here, but I was lucky enough to interview her so I'd rather send you to our page of conference coverage to hear her speak in her own words.

A couple of things struck me from all of the wise words shared at the opening ceremonies. One is how Australia has done a remarkable job combatting HIV from the very beginning. Since 1996, the country has succeeded in reducing its rate of infection by 17%. The phrase "testing to treat, not quarantine" was used to describe the philosophy behind their testing outreach and they are very progressive with harm reduction techniques such as dispensing clean needles. There are depository boxes for used needles in the restrooms...Australia's widespread openess about the issue has clealry helped control the spread of HIV among IDUs in particular. Another thing that I found interesting was how the overall health of the general populace (and lack of widespread HIV infection) is a necessary prerequisite for the growth of a developing nation - as opposed to widespread health (and a low HIV infection rate) being a side effect of that development. Having just come from Vietnam which seems to grow right before your eyes, we witnessed first hand the need for a healthy society...without it, who will build the roads, bridges, schools and hospitals? The third thing that I found fascinating was that the virological response to treatment was as good in developing nations (like South Africa) as it is in developed countries (like Switzerland). All over the world, given the chance, the right education and access to care, people can and will take their pills as recommended and get better. (A side note to this...in Vietnam, we heard that medications were sometimes distributed without prescriptions and people were confused about how to take their meds. This, combined with a shortage of health care workers, and testing sites that can give people the lab results they need to show them that their treatment is working thus providing positive incentive for good compliance which helps avoid drug resistance, can lead to less-than-ideal treatment results. But, when those things are addressed, it seems that people all over the world can have the same positive effect from properly administered treatment.) And, finally, Dr. Fauci referenced the words of Peter Piot, head of UNAIDS, who said that for every person put into treatment in 2005, there were six new infections, thus emphasizing that the pandemic can not be fought by treatment alone. Prevention and global access to treatment comprise the necessary one-two punch (combo therapy, if you will) to beat this sucker to the ground.

Having seen the effect of stories like mine and Maura's in terms of influencing behavior (when people hear our stories they are more likely to disclose, talk to their doctor about treatment options and get tested if they don't know their status), I strongly believe that people living with HIV can be one of the best prevention tools we have. Getting our stories out into the world so that others see and believe that HIV can happen to them is a powerful way to make people wake up. That's the thinking behind OurDignity.com (check it out and share your story!). Whether you're HIV positive, or just know someone who is, you can help support all the wonderful science we're hearing about here at IAS by making people aware, from a personal, real-life point of view, how HIV can happen to anyone. I am inspired by all the good scientific news I am hearing here in Sydney, by the innovative work of the many brilliant doctors and scientists seeking a solution to AIDS and especially by the likes of leaders like Maura. It feels good to know that we are not alone -- and the the world is a small one after all.

-----------------

Regan's post was so good that i had to share it. Check more about Regan's Experience at Regan's Blog.

23/Jul/07

Artist: Dione Warwick /Song: I say a little prayer for you /Country: USA

Today i am feeling strange. It was a good weekend i met with Cynthia and Noralma and some others alumni, finally went dancing the way God orders... until 4am :). As i had free weekend i slept both days until 1pm ahh.... how good is to rest when one is feeling tired. It helped me to let go the sadness because of the assault i suffered.

Even though today was not such a good day. I had to spend the whole afternoon trying to fix some stuff for a client downtown and it was not possible, i have to go there again tomorrow morning. I want to sleep right now again. My sinusitis is almost over, it lasted a week... not so bad, huh?. Although the issue with my lip still does not disappear... but i am taking my pills and using a cream .. so it is looking better (except for the white spot on my lip these days... but no problem, i can live with it).

My uncle travelled today to the States, i am not much in contact with him so ... it actually does not mean much to me. My sisters keeps on complaining about me and my blog... she asks me all the time "why do i have to meet my brother through the internet?". I have answered many times that i write in here because i want to... i mean it is not suppoused to be done for others, it is a diary... for instance i let my friends to come in here and read my diary (although i know many others who don't know me also come in here) but well... i am not promoting it or stuff like that... i wanted and still want to spread a message... and let others see through my eyes.. but i am not exibitionist (have no spell check so excuse me if misstyped). I mean i have told her that if she wants to know more about me.. we should meet and talk, we both have difficult schedules.. but if she tells me we can make it happen. Although there is one thing i don't like from her... she always has to judge things i do... things cannot be just different for her.. they have to be good or bad according to her point of view. It annoys me sometimes. She even posted a comment on my spanish blog..... calling me rude, and saying i ignore my family and don't love them.... she did it same day i was robbed.... it was not nice from her, i mean do i have to stand all that too?.

Can't i decide where to write, what to write and when to do it? do my whole life has to pass their approval first?. Why don't they let me BE MYSELF?. I am tired of needing to justify myself for whatever i do or say... give me a break.

Although it is not that what has me feeling strange today.... i don't know it is ... something i can't name... perhaps it is the strange feeling you have when you are about to feel down.. but don't want to feel that way... i feel like null. I am not sad not happy. Not annoyed not comfortable. Not up not down...just in the middle. Not worried but not calmed. I'm stable.... i guess.

In days like today there is a poem that always come to my mind (off course this one was not written by me). I read it was done by an Ecuadorian.. the tittle is vesperal if i am not wrong (there is not much info about Ecuadorian poetry on internet.....).

VESPERAL

Hay tardes en las que uno desearía
embarcarse y partir sin rumbo cierto,
y, silenciosamente, de algún puerto,
irse alejando mientras muere el día;


Emprender una larga travesía
y perderse después en un desierto
y misterioso mar, no descubierto
por ningún navegante todavía.


Aunque uno sepa que hasta los remotos
confines de los piélagos ignotos
le seguirá el cortejo de sus penas,
Y que, al desvanecerse el espejismo,
desde las glaucas ondas del abismo,
le tentarán las últimas sirenas.

VESPERAL (Translation)

There are afternoons when one would wish
to board and depart without a clear path,
and, silently, from some port,
going far away while the day dies;

To embark on a long journey
and later getting lost in a dessert
and misterious sea, non discovered
by any sailor until today.

Even though one knows that until the furthest
points of the unknown seas
will follow us the entourage of our sadness,
And that, when the mirage vanishes,
from the deepests sides of the abism,
we'll be tempted by the last mermaids.

Mr. Ernesto Noboa y Caamaño, thank you for a nice poem to make me dream about being far away today... and discover the things not yet defined in my life. It was a hard thing to translate but i hope you somehow got the idea...

This is a poem that makes me feel like travelling... like taking the chanllenge of facing the unknown once again.

Glad i posted it, i feel better now.

Robbed

I was just assaulted 10 mins ago.

I was in a bus coming to my work from downtown when two young guys hit my chest and told me "come on mother fucker give me your mobile phone!!". That's the bad part of working for a mobile phone company.... I had two mobiles and my pocket pc (aha... ouch!). First mobile from work costs 84usd, my personal mobile costs 356usd and my poor pocket pc costs about 500 usd..... they were also nervous, so they didn't realised i had my mobiles in my pockets... but as i had no space... i had the pocket pc in my hand... and that was what they took. They also took my coat and touched it to see i had something else saved inside. They found nothing... it was all fast.. they also robbed couple of guys in a seat in front of me and a girl... they were two young guys and one of then had a gun...

None was hurt, but we were all so afraid... i am sad for my pocket pc.... it was the only thing i though i would be able to keep from the things i had bought... i have always wanted to have a pocket pc. Damn :( i am so sad now....

Anyways it was a lucky disaster if i would have been robbed the phone that my company gave me i would have had to pay it.... I don't know why these things happen... to me. Sometimes i feel like someone somewhere is really happy making my life.... I guess i have to learn not to stick myself so much to the material things... i have lost all the material things i wanted to get before diagnosed... but i have kept the most valuable thing i have... my life. Today was a terrible day... Rafael was fired, along with other people from headquarters, i heard it is possible that our store will close, i had a problem at home, i have had headache since early morning.... and now this...

I am so frustrated now... with so much anger.... something good happened previous the assault... i am so frustrated and confused right now... i will post tonight the whole stuff.

bye. :((((((

Artist: Frente! /Song: Bizarre Love Triangle /Country: Australia

Well... there are some things happening in my life that i sometimes cannot believe. Sometimes things happen and i think... "oh no.. here we go again". Not all things are bad... but believe me the coincidences today has been too obvious.

First of all... today i took the tests... finally. I woke up 6.15am and managed to be at Hospital at 7.15am. I was done by 8.45am. The took 3 bottles of blood from me... i though i would fade away... I was a bit nervous cause there were couple of new and young Drs in the laboratory taking samples... i didn't want to be with any of them... they would be surprised and afraid of taking blood sample to an Hiv+ person.... i didn't want to scare anyone today... the one who was scared was me. I hate needles. They handed me my sample of blood again... to take to the Dr. Villao's office... i don't like it... it is not scientifically correct... but come on, i am in the third world... who cares what is scientifically correct over here??

I went to try to ask for my prescriptions... the usual answer. NOTHING. I took the chance to go to dermatologist to ask him for some prescription for my labial issue. I feel it is growing instead of disappearing... he prescribed me some pills (Aciclovir x 30u). As i had no official appointment with him today he said i could not request the meds at Hospital but i had to buy them outside ... no problem, perhaps they didn't have them at Hospital anyways. I am taking a pill every 4 hours.

Met some patients at Hospital who also meet my Dr. said hi to them. Other's were nervous when they saw me... but when i greeted a Hiv+ patient, they seemed to feel more comfortable with my presence... we are all involved in so much fear......

While i was leaving hospital the girl from Guayaquil bank called me... i hanged off the phone call by mistake ...hehehehehe!!. I answered her and told her i had taken a decision... i would sign the docs for the payment agreement and cancel the credit card... . Well... i didn't think much about it yesterday.... i knew there was not much i could do... i usually would have asked my mother and sister for advice.. but since we argued i had to think about it alone. I always fear to fail... and more after diagnosed... well... i saw no way out so they had me in their hands. I signed the docs today, i will have to pay 42 usd next month and then i will pay 39 usd during 24 months.. aha... it is going to be long. Tonight i got home and my mother had left me on my desk a letter from judge of civil affairs.... another credit card is establishing a demand on me. I freaked out... SHIT!! Not now!!. As usual i cannot face these things right now because of the terror attack they give me... i didn't even read the letter... i haven't... i called my mother cause she is a lawyer... if i have to go to court.. she will represent me. I talked to her and she told me it is usual procedure... there is no prison for debts in penal code. Ufff....at least. I don't want to go to jail these days... not now.... not after all this. I don't even want to think about it.

Perhaps tomorrow i will read that letter... today i don't feel ready to do it.

I have been fighting by email with the people of the coalition of people living with Aids, with the people running the country mechanism of control for the EU/Global Fund and people running the plan against hiv/aids...... why? because few days ago this email was being delivered all over the city:

"A big favour, forward this email to as many people as you can so they can see the pics of this bastard who destroyed the life of my friend and contagious her with Aids... so we could perhaps unable this asshole to keep on contagious people..

ANDRES EDUARDO LAVAYEN CARMINIANI

This is a monster with a disturbed mind who is contagious every person who is having sex with him because he is bisexual!!! he is a carrier of Hiv (Aids) since long time ago.... if you see him SCAPE!!! because your life is in danger, he looks like a normal guy but his only intention is to destroy and transmit this maquiavelus virus to all the people he can.

Lets help us!!! Andrea Macias is one of the victims... and you or one of your loved ones could be the next.

Send this email to all your contacts so he cannot do what he wants, and this mortal chain stops here!!

He is among us, he lives here in Guayaquil and is a monster under a human skin."

They sent 2 clear pictures of the person, but i just deleted them cause if i publish them i would be contributing to the damage caused to this person.

I am not exaggerating, this is literally what the sender wrote. I could track the sending email, this was sent by a guy working for Government taxes office. This email was widely spread in the city, my boss got it and next day Myriam posted it in the coalition email website. The fight i am having with them is because none has said a word.... none of the so called "leaders" ever cared... I don't know this guy, nor know if he is guilty or not but this is not the right way to solve this kind of things, if anyone has a complain... establish a demand, but don't send stupid emails just like that because it is creating more pressure on us who are not guilty of anything. I have fought... fought with the president of the coalition, fought with the president of MCP for the EU (a Dr from Health Ministry)... i have fought to every possible person who should be responsible to SAY something about this and is not doing a single shit. I put in doubt their motivation to fight against Hiv and the effectivity of their work... because it is truth, i doubt of them. I know this is not the end of the world, but come on... you see.. he even sent pics of this guy... what if this guy in the pic is not Hiv+?? what if it is only gossips?? what if this guy in the pics is Hiv+ but he didn't know so he infected that girl.... what if he knew and he did it careless....what will happen with t he rest of us who are not guilty for this guy actions???. If he is guilty... send him to jail. BUT send him to jail... not send US to jail with him too.

I feel these leaders in the fight against Hiv are USELESS. And i have said it to them.... i guess i am not much loved in the coalition of people living with Aids, nor in the MCP for the EU at this time. I just hope some truth in their faces will kick their asses.

Well.. now lets go to the coincidences that named this blog.

Yesterday night i was downtown and met someone, interesting girl... mmm... not so much my style but not so bad either...we started to talk and wow... she had a brain!! (i am NOT saying girls do not have brains, i know most of them have.... i just mean that i have met few who do not have... just to clarify). Well we talked and talked and talked and i asked her what she did for living and she told me "I am coordinator in a medical trial". "wow... really?" - I said.... come on... a scientist girl!!! isn't it exciting???.... and sexy!!!. I asked her what kind of trial was that and she answered "We are making a trial with people in risk of infection of Hiv and giving them some doses of Truvada one of the ARVs to see its efficacy as Pre Exposure Prophylaxis". "Oh God.... here we go again..." i though. I don't know why i am calling all Hiv workers, researchers and all that people... i am just meeting them everywhere. Well.. the girl is interesting, we talked more and it happens i have good knowledge about the current research for the Hiv vaccine so i made some questions... i tried not to seem to have "much" knowledge cause that would have disclosed me as Hiv+ (no normal people know as much of Hiv as Hiv+ patients). Not sure if i put myself on evidence.... i hope i did not.

Second coincidence happened today at work, i was preparing an invoice for a client and another client requested a product i was preparing the invoice and rised my face to look at the client..... it was Jorge from Care Ecuador, the man i have met twice while delivering my testimony.... Oh God! I got afraid.... he is a cool man, he is friendly, i mean i smiled and said "heeey!!! so cool to see you!!!". He was also surprised, i was yet nervous.... i mean i was at work... i knew he would not put me in evidence, but i was nervous anyways... fears and more fears.... i hate them. He said we were meant to meet cause today he was thinking of me and remembered he had not sent me the Ecuadorian Plan to fight Aids developed and being implemented in this country. So i hope he will cause it is the second time he said so. I haven't finished reading the file Ma Isabel from Care sent me, i am in the page 11 from 26. You see... coincidences happen everywhere....

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Nelly Furtado /Song: Try/Country: Canada

Phone calls started today at 8am. First a client saying he got the docs he was missing for some service he wants to get, cool!. As soon as i finished with him got a phone call home.... i though it could be Javico, so i answered. It was the girl from Guayaquil Bank asking me if i want to start a payment plan for my credit card, i told her no.. i want to try to save the credit card. Then she said "Mr. your credit card is over by the end of August and i have seen your payment record, as you seem to be having troubles lately it is most probable the bank won't give you a new credit card after the end of this one, unless you have paid half of the debt you have, it means 230 USD". Those were bad news so i told her to let me think about it... she said "Well today i will go to visit some clients and will leave the office soon, i would like to know if i can visit you to hand you the documents for the payment plan". I said: "NO. Today you cannot visit me. I will be quite busy, plus i need to think what i will do. If i take a decision i will send you an email and tomorrow morning you can call me to see what we do". I am not up to see her face not to stand her pressure on me. Not today. It is too early to face bad news.... at least i though it was.

As soon i as i finished with this girl my mobile rings, my mother. I talked to her and told her what this girl told me and was expecting to get some advice...some comfort... instead of she started to tell me that my sister had been speaking about me to her and telling her that she does not like what i do and she does not like this and this and this and this of me yadda yadda yadda..... I got angry. I never liked when people speak on my back, if anyone has to say something to me... come and shut it in my face. I told my mother to stop... i have told her several times before that if she hear anyone speaking about me (and that includes my sister) she should tell them to talk to me directly instead of being she the one who comes to me with the news... cause she uses those news to complain to me too. We were arguing and i told her..."sorry i don't want to talk to you right now. have a good day". Aha, i am a bad son... a bad friend... a bad employee... a bad money manager... i am all the fucking shit you can imagine ... but i don't need everybody to remind me of it in the early morning. I called my sister... i have also told her before that if she has something to tell me to call me or tell it in my face and not to comment with my mother... I told my sister "Hi, sorry if i bother you but i want to ask you a favour. Next time you comment about me could you please tell it to me directly or call me to talk about it? don't tell it to my mother cause you know how she starts with same usual stuff...". I said nothing else and she said ok. I finished with her and my mother called me again.. to ask me if i had talked to my sister and told me "ah so you just ruined her day while she is just leaving for work!!!". It is truth... i didn't think about it.... it is too early to give bad news or to discuss with people.... i felt bad and sad.... why nobody though/felt same about me??? ... Whatever. Anyways i feel bad for what i just did to my sister...

It is funny and annoying how there are some days like today... when the virus does not bother me... other things does. I haven't been paid yet. It is a bad sign... it makes me fear i might be in trouble at work... well none has been paid... so perhaps i am just paranoic. I have been doing good sales but i might have done couple of things wrong... My contract with he company ends at the end of this month... hope they will renew it. Or perhaps i should be really looking for a different place.

I have finally defined my illness as sinusitis, i have had some acute pain above my left eye... i am not taking meds yet... but trying to let it go.... well, assuming it would go by itself. Yesterday afternoon i also discovered some eruption in my lips... nothing out of this world, it is not very noticeable... i just have a small part of my upper lip swollen. I was diagnosed with labial herpes 15 years ago... it seems the stress awaken the herpes 1 virus, read the link i am providing, it is not a dangerous stuff... just annoying. I feel lonely today... but i will try not to let the sad feeling get me... it is too early in the morning... just 9am. How can you fight when they hit you before you stand up?.... seems today i will discover it. I won't answer phone calls early morning again!!.

Tomorrow early waking up... taking the tests.... i hope i can take them... i need them. for whatever happens i need to have those tests done tomorrow. I think my CD4 will be lower :( they say CD4 goes down everytime you get ill of something (i have sinusitis) and everytime you feel sad and down (.... no comments about it). Whatever, lets take those shitty things.... and see what happens.

Past weekend i went to a disco for first time since February. Don't look at me like that, it is actually not like a disco.. it is more like an underground disco/bar. I met a friend downtown and we did several things. I was free by midnight. I was standing downtown trying to decide if i should get home... get to disco nearby or going to this underground disco/bar. Suddenly a car stopped in front of me. Someone i knew... we said hi and this person offered to give me a lift.... to the underground disco/bar. We talked it was nice to see some people i hadn't seen. The disco/bar... was as usual full... people and more people... i met some people i had met before... saying hi... and everybody asking how a miracle was that i was there. "Once a year is not bad" - I said. I wanted to dance but i was alone at the disco.... all the people i knew were in couples (it made me realise how alone i am... and how hard it will be to find someone for me now).... ahh no.. there was this girl whom i met she was also alone... i asked her to dance and she refused... we kept on talking and suddenly i realised how small her brain was... what a turn off!! I always liked smart girls.... then she started to move like giving me a hint she wanted to dance... but i didn't want to dance with her anymore. Finally i left... i guess that's why i was not much fond of discos even before diagnosed... i am a party hard guy, but don't go party often.... discos are not in my plans these days... despite they might be crowded... they seem to be always empty.

Yesterday night i met Diana Patricia downtown, we talked for about 2 hours. It was cool, telling her my news, listening her news. I was thinking she is the person most similar to my friend Valja here. I used to talk a lot with him after working schedule back then in Moscow, talking and talking and talking... time seemed to fly. With Diana Patricia is the same, sometimes it is good to have a good friend in town... someone who still treats me like who i really am. JuanCa.

What will i do today? keep on walking. what will i do with my troubles? not to think of them. Around 6pm when all other stuff have past and i am almost alone at work... i will decide. At this time i don't see any way out to save my credit card so... i might let it go.... damn. As for the rest of my life... i cannot let it go... unfortunately... sometimes i would like to... but well, i guess one has to be who one has to be.... and i have to be me today and accept it. This is what i am living. I feel ashamed sometimes when i post my stuff here (i even admit i sometimes feel like deleting some of my posts after i have sent them.... i have never done it yet)... it feels ashame cause we have been taught only good things can happen in our lives.... and when they don't... you are wrong, you are bad. Although... you know what? shame is just useful for one single thing.... to be thrown away. And problems are just useful for one single thing.... to be solved. I gotta work about it.

The other day, my mother left me a doc on my desk at home... filled of very optimistic words.... i though i would share it here but right now i just don't want to... sometimes a page full of nice words is just that... a page full of nice words. Even though there is something that made its way out from that paper to the internet ... to this specific post.

"Success in life cannot be measured for what you have achieved, but for the obstacles you have had to face in your path".

I like it, it will be my motto today.

Edited: I was thinking in not posting any song today... i just didn't find a song that would come along with this post... and my mood... then... this song came to my mind. Nelly Furtado - Try. Have you read the lyrics?.... what a beutiful poetry.... it touched my heart... and yes... from all the things i have left behind in my world today... from all the good supperficial words i've read today and bad real things i have just faced... this song was able to made its way to this blog and this specific post. Enjoy the song... i was thinking in underlining what part of lyrics was meaningful to me... but then i just realised i would underline the whole song. Read it and you will understand why. Lets give it a try to this day...

NELLY FURTADO

"Try"

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Labels: same illness

The bitch from Guayaquil Bank has been calling me since 8am to my mobile and to my houses insistently.... fucking bitch!! She does not let me sleep. I just sent her an email saying i might pay her (to make her suffer...). I didn't answer her the phone.. it is so annoying having them calling me so early.. come on i work on middday.. this is like calling me at 4am. Well she has me awaken now.. but i will not answer her. I'm a rebel.

Yesterday i saw one of the most beautiful poz woman i have seen since diagnosed: Regan Hoffmann

Regan is Poz Editor in Chief and also member of the NAPLWA (National Association of People Living with Aids). The girl has all... she is smart, she is professional, she is beautiful and she has a big heart. Damn.... i found someone i would like to marry....

I was actually surprised whens he posted her pic on her blog yesterday, she is right now in Hanoi, Vietnam in a sponsored trip of three weeks meeting Asia leaders to promote initiatives to fight AIDS in the region. I say i was surprised not because she placed her pic online but to see how good looking she is. I mean... i know some of us poz are very handsome ;) but never knew she was SO beautiful.... WOW!!. Ok ok ok... the girl is really beautiful i admit it, it impressed me. Among the comments in her Blog there was something very interesting that someone else posted "It's really encouraging to see you for us newly diagnosed".

Yes, it is truth. It is encouraging for each one of us to see that some people are still looking great after diagnosed, showing her lives are not over and won't be. Hey... perhaps i should keep on taking care of my image more and more... one day i would like someone to say "wow JuanCa you are so hot looking!!.. it is unbelievable you have Hiv". Hey... i had already heard that!!! the last part of the phrase... not the first one :( .... HEHEHEHE!!!

Regan's smile makes me happy. I want to smile like that today.

If you want to read more about Regan 's story and her trip to Asia together with the great work she is doing advocating for people's right and freedom from stigma check out Regan's HIV Blog. She is such a great woman. Have a good day.

Labels: New life, same illness

Short post from home to tell you that .... i have only 0.17 usd in my pocket and have only green bananas to eat tonight (2), only 0.2usd in my mobile (that i will use to post this in here) and my nausea is mostly gone (not my troubles for breathing..) But still with it... still with all the shitty life i am having... good things happen again. I guess God knows that when i say "this is too much" it really means TOO MUCH.

I called my sister, she will lend me the money for the credit card, as i have no money to go to her work to pick it up (bus costs 0.50usd two ways.... money i don't have). She will save the money in my credit card tomorrow. I asked her how much could she lend me... she said.. "make it a round number". I said "87??". She said.. "no...". I told her "90?"... she told me "nooo... make it a ROUND NUMBER"... mmmmm I said "is it more than 90?". She said "Yes, it is". "Ohh you mean 100 usd?" - I said. "Aha, that's right!" - She answered me. She is a great sister. It feels ashame to be needing money from others... but sometimes life put us in situations that are hard to explain. A friend, offered me to lend me money some time ago, Ivan, thanks for that nice gesture. Dody did same offer when i was struggling financially in Moscow. I didn't accept it any of both offers and I won't accept any offer of that type, but it was a nice gesture from them. It might sound silly but i think that... if God made all this trouble (or let it happen)... he will have to find a way to take me out of here. I only accept money from my mother and sister because they are my family and are part of me.

Once more don't worry about me, i am sometimes down.. but i am strong. I stand up again... and keep on walking, i learnt it from Russians... "you just keep on walking.. keep on trying until it eventually works out" Those were Masha Neizvestnaya's words (my MCP in Russian MC) i bet she never knew how much her words meant for me in that time and still mean today. I do what i learnt i keep on walking.

The other miracle. I was talking to my mother on the phone (after talking to my sister) and she told me: "In the afternoon the neighbours gave me some doc saying that water company has reconnected water in our house". I though "what?????"... I haven't paid... they requested me 300usd payment for the reconnection and then i would have to sign an agreement for monthly payments.. and as it is obvious.. i can't afford that. I have to admit...i though "God made a miracle and somoene else came and paid our debt!!! an angel!!!". My mother told me: "Neighbours say that the whole neighborhood has been complaining about the water bills and have made some political pressure. It seems that lead to water company to reconnect all houses that were without water .... including ours". WOW!!!!... same miracle in a different way :) HAHAHAHA!!!! OK, He (God) knows how to surprise me :)))). So it seems i have water now!!! (i live in a third floor and the bomb for water was disconnected since we got water cut but at least i can just go to the lowest level of the house and pick water up to my place!!!).

This is a great ending for a hard day.... Hey you above... thanks for making it happen... thanks for showing me you are still out there... thinking of me. I was in need of some help tonight.. thanks for the big helping hand...thank you. thanks for the sign showing it all will eventuall work out well and making me feel i am not alone. I am not alone.

Labels: New life, same illness

Not feeling good

Artist: The Rasmus /Song: Sail Away /Country: (didn't have time to look for that on internet)

Well, it seems i will have to blog from work since now and on... the costs of blogging from home are big now that i don't have internet for free.

I feel nausea right now... don't know why... i am sick, got flu.. but i don't find a relation to the nausea feeling i am having.

I have got flu since weekend, it is actually not flu... i am not sure what it is... i just know i can't breathe properly.... feels my nose blocked from deep inside... perhaps sinusitis, it bothers me... i don't want to think about PCP (Pneumonia). I am not taking any med... i mean if it is flu it should go in a week, if not... i will see. I guess too many early waking ups ended up bothering me. I am using a menthol cream for my nose, it helps me to breathe a bit... plus i work with full air conditioner ... that does not help. I am using my coat.

Today morning i came to work earlier, was finishing some stuff... then a girl came and seat in front of me and asked me "excuse me, Mr. Calderon?" i replied "yes". That was a bad movement. She belongs to Guayaquil bank and came to request my payment of my Visa credit card... yeah, you see... it is truth, they hunt me. It would be long to explain her the whole situation (plus she would die if i ever tell her i am Hiv+) so i tried to somehow manage it. My co workers are nice with me, despite our fights they know everytime i bank or a credit cards call me..they always say "he is not here, he just left for a meeting". It is not that i don't want to pay... i just can't at this time.... too many things fallen together on me. What a year huh?...it has been a whole enormous disaster since December 06....one thing after other.... how the hell i am still here? so sorry in telling you this.. but sometimes i wish i could die fast... it would be so easy... no feeling pain... no feeling shame... no feeling fears... no more worries... just no feeling anything. That sounds like a good miracle.

On weekend, a new co worker, Ricardo asked me what i was doing in this job? how come speaking english, french, spanish very good and basic russian and japanese, having travelled to 5 countries did i end up in a 182 usd/month job?. I told him the story... not going to repeat it cause it is all written in here.. in this blog, but well if i have to summarize it i would say... life goes up and downs... all the time... sometimes low times go lower than expected and last longer than expected....like if they would never ever have an end. He told me i should find another job, but the stime schedule is hard... i have only free mornings until noon... and then i am working... until 9pm. I work even weekends.... on mornings i am usually free except from the days that I have to attend trainings at headquarters (once per month/2 months) or meeting my ID Dr (once every two months) or meeting my Dermatologist (once every two months)... so glad i am not yet ill with anything else....

I told my co worker how i ended up here... but didn't tell him why i can't leave.... how Hiv has me stucked here...or better say, not the Hiv directly but the fear... the terror of having more changes in my life... Be gentle with me... put yourself in the path i have had to walk since December 06 and all the things i have had to face.... you would understand why i don't want more changes in my life and why i am so afraid of everything that could happen if i do so.

I am going to get paid 81usd (i should have gotten paid on sunday but they still didn't pay me). I had requested some advance payment to my boss so i will have to pay her back 17usd (it was the only way of getting until today....financially speaking). So that leaves me with 64usd. This girl from Guayaquil Bank told me i have to pay her tomorrow 87 usd or my credit card will be closed. Off course i don't want to get my credit card closed... it is the last one i was trying to keep... this is a good bank, plus if i ever fall in hospital bed i will need a credit card. Although i just can't make it.... today i was thinking that all the things i have tried to get in my life are somehow flowing like the water between my hands... This girl happens to be friend of my boss... but my boss cannot help me.

My co worker asked me on weekend "how can you sleep with over 4000 usd debt? i would be crazy". I have been so near to that.... he thinks the debt is the only thing i have to deal with... LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! that's actually so funny.... HAHAHAHA!!!! it really is... if he just knew the whole picture he would have suicided already. I have an answer to his question... how can i sleep? I try to keep things in perspective. I try to think.. and to believe this is just a moment that will eventually pass... yes i have been in bad situations before... several of them, but i refuse the idea of believing i have had back luck, luck does not exist. I have only had to walk a different path than anybody else. I have stopped answering phone calls... nor at home, nor at work, nor in my mobile... if someone calls me from a phone number i don't know.. i simply don't answer. I have tried to explain banks my situation but they don't understand.. so i am just tired of that... sometimes they behave agressive and insolent... and i have no time nor life to spend with them... so i don't answer phone calls. Being that i get home late... i don't watch tv, nor listen to radio ( i have no electricity at home either... but at nights i illegally connect to the electricity and i have to disconnect early in the morning cause if Electricity Co. find it out it will mean a big penalty.... i know you were all wondering about it)... the lack of water is something you know too... how can i sleep with all that and my Hiv diagnosis???? Sometimes i don't know. I just try not to get it all on me... i put it in perspective like if it was someone else's life... like if it was not me. I focus on myself... perhaps i am abusing of the cognositive disorder Hiv creates in patients (making them feel like someone else, someone different... not whom they were before) but it is somehow helping me to cope with this situation... I do it well when they (bannks and credit cards) don't talk to me... i have clear all my debts and do the best i can to pay them. My Salary only alows me to pay 2 or 3 of them at this time... but i do it, every month. I do it well until those times like today when they catch me ... and slap my face and push me.... pressure under pressure... why to push me?? am i not under lot of pressure already?? They would not understand... none would.

I talked to my mother and she said she cannot help me to pay the credit card, I though in my sister... but my mother told she is having her own issues cause my brother-in-law might go to Canada to finish his Master degree. I could not use the computer at work to tell her what happens and ask her for help...my boss told me to go with her to the headquarters.. and i got to send my sister an email before living. While being at headquarters thinking... i started to feel too warm... and nausea came... when i left the building.. i was feeling like fading away.... weak... tired... confused.... and with nausea... i took the buss to my work and i fallen slept. It helped me... i am feeling a bit better but nausea is still here... perhaps it is just stress... there is lot of it in my life. If i could sell it i would be rich.

The girl i just kicked out of my life is writing to me on messenger right now... (what else could happen today???) I was about not to answer her... or perhaps react badly and send her to the hell... but i don't react like that with people i loved. So i answered with monosylabs "yes/no". She finally got tired of writing... thanks God.

The day is finally over... my sister told me she will lend me some money, don't know how much. And asked me to promise her i would find another job to get more income.... Luczi told me i perhaps should not because i would get more tired.... .....so what do i do? tomorrow i will think about it. today was enough for a single day. Nausea feeling is leaving me right now... it feels great.

Resignation

Today there was a post in Poz forums from a girl who's mother is perhaps in her final moments due to lung cancer.... i won't share her post for respect.

I wrote her back saying that if i were in her case... i would send to the hell Dr. diagnosis and keeping my faith everything would get better, i would try to fight.... before writing i tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine how i would react if i was her. Truth is that i would not accept resignation, i could accept that for myself.. but not for my mother's death.... i know we fight and we argue constantly and our calmed times are actually very few compared to our discussion times... but i love her.

I dislike some things from her and she dislikes some things from me, but none of those things ever interfere to the big admiration and deepest love i have for her. She has been my strength my whole life, even when we have not been together... deep inside i knew she would always be there for me... even when she left me alone to face some hard times before... i knew she was from distance checking me out and making sure i was able to defend myself. She is a warrior and she would fight for my life... as she knows i would do the same for her... i would fight until the end. She has been the centre of my Universe my whole life, like the sun for the solar system... everything can change and move... but she will always stay there for me. I knew it.

If her last moments would arrive i would fight like the most furious animal to try to protect her and not to let her go.... i would really keep the faith until the end and i do my best for her not to suffer. I said something similar to this girl.... i know Drs said it was the last times for her mother but i would just not accept it, i couldn't... and someone else wrote me this...

I'm but I have been a smidgen displeased with your commentary tonight. You told "xxx" that she should wish away her fears of her mothers' demise, and convince her mother to do the same, until the very last moment.I thought that this was a very bad idea for both of these women.

Resignation is something i don't understand yet.... I could use it but i don't understand it... perhaps in the past i have used it for situations that were not as crucial as my mother's death situation... i could use it for myself, if my last time arrives soon... but don't think i can go for resignation if my mother is about to die... i couldn't.

Perhaps i still have things to learn in life, but at this time i cannot accept resignation for something like this and i don't understand people doing so.... I just cannot accept to live the rest of my life without the person who has been the base of my knowledge, my way of acting, my way of thinking, the person who taught me what is right and wrong, the only person who could calmed me with her words and the only person whom i would entirely trust my life with my eyes closed and without thinking... i cannot lose someone like that, i could not lose her.... i am not ready and i could not accept it.

I don't understand resignation, I don't like it and I won't accept it in my life today. It is good to have a blog... i was in need of saying this.... I DON'T LIKE RESIGNATION.

Artist: Luz Casal /Song: Piensa en mi /Country: Spain

Gotta work today from 10am to 10pm (well... just until 9pm as i made an arrangement with a co worker). Got flu somewhere i don't know... it is just starting... i was getting worried why i was having troubles to breathe lately... but yesterday it started officially.. flu. Second time in four months, not so bad huh?

Wish you all an amazing day

Labels: New life, same illness

... i hated this day. I'm just so frustrated at this very moment....

I couldn't take the tests today morning i was very tired... i woke up at 6am but went back to sleep, mother woke me up at 7am.. but i fallen slept again.... i woke up 7.40am i got ready and managed to be there at 8.44am. They didn't allow me to take the tests cause they only receive samples from 7am to 8.30am. Mother fuckers!!!. I know they have schedule but come on this is a huge hospital how come they only receive samples an hour and a half per day??? plus i cannot take the tests any other day but next thursday...that means another week. As it is not their health they don't care.... i wanted to scream and complain saying "yeah but you know i am ill i cannot be waking up so early just to come over here while it is yet freezing i could get pneumonia!!!"... although they would not understand.. they don't care come on.. who i am trying to lie? they don't care about what happens to me. The guard even told me... "don't try to come in because the Dr came out few mins ago and complained with those who were left telling them they should be here at 7am not at 8am". I was so near to tell him....what i just mentioned... but i preferred to shut up... welcome to the fucking health system juan carlos!! Hope you die soon!!! they won't notice it.

Perhaps i should have told the guard "You know Mr?.... i was changing the world yesterday and talking to others how is to live with Hiv and i ended up so tired that i could not wake up so early today... i DID CHANGE THE WORLD... what have you done recently that is just a bit near to that???? would you please let me in???" i am sure he would say "you changed the world?? so what???... NO you cannot come in!!!". I hate to ask people to break their rules and "their organisation" but just want to point this.. have you realised they are so organised and strict with their rules when it comes to prevent people to access health care?? why they are not so organised and strict when it comes to the point of delivering my meds and taking my tests??? COME ON MOTHER FUCKERS IT IS NOT A FLU TESTS... THESE TESTS ARE ABOUT MY LIFE!!!!!! CAN YOU MAKE A FUCKING EXCEPTION????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told the guard... almost begging him to let me in.... "you know... i have to take a CD4 test.... :(" and he replied to me "uuuuuu!!!! even worst!!! you cannot come in, you have to come next week but earlier... last week there was not reactives so none took the tests..... come next week". In days like today... i wish i could die fast.... not to see how careless people are when it refers to my health.... to my live... to my survival.... I am sorry but sometimes i would like to end up with all this just at once... once for all.

It was a bad day... today was a bad day....

Today i killed love... finally... after three years of dearly loving someone.. who never ever loved me.. today i did something that hurt me... deeply.. but that i knew it would finally end up with the love i have had for this person these past three years.... nothing worst than loving someone who few cares about you... I loved her so much that i even pardon her the fact that she perhaps was the person who infected me with Hiv.... i though we would be together... i hoped that one day she would realise how sincere my love was and that she would one day wake up and say "hey!! i love you too... i just didn't notice it before". Although shit like that does not happen... so today i did it. I killed my love for her.... it was sort of suicide.... but it was good, better than keep on suffering and loving her without hope....

At the end of what happened... i saw it with my eyes... how she didn't really loved me... how she treats me different way.... and i hated her... i found her disgusting.... i wanted to complain and tell her... "you know i have been loving you the past three years every single day... how come you never valued it? i hate you!!!" While we were coming home.. she asked why i was so quiet.. i said "i have always been a quiet guy". She said "no, you have always been smart and with good conversation..." i replied "no, i have always considered myself a quiet guy... that's how i am" I remained quiet not to explode... she does not know today i killed the love i had for her.... i felt so silly, so stupid... i should have done it 3 years ago.... fuck!

One of the worst things is that i still have to be her friend.... i cannot just go out and disappear.... i have always been there for the people who has been important for me.. and i can't change it right now... it is just the way i am.... but i will try not to find love in her again... I dedicate this song for her.

Singer: Stacie Orrico - Lyrics : I'm Not Missing You

Oh, Oh
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over What else could it be
He decides to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face or
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can't be with you cause I'm scared
Felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I'm missing
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And bad when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love would be nice for someone else's life
(But) I'm not missing you

I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

Labels: New life

HI, i am happy today it was a great day , Maximiliano picked me 7.30am then we met Claudia and Monika. Maximiliano is Argentinian, i forgot to mention it yesterday, he is really a cool guy, we were laughing all the way until Palenque, even though he's got a difficult accent for me in Spanish.. but it was cool to talk to him. Monika in case i didn't mention it, is from Germany, she is coordinating the sensibility trainings in Redima Health Care Facilities.

The way until Palenque is a bit long, 2h far is not so fast even though we made 1h30 because Monika, as many Germans, has Schumacher's spirit inside LOL. We were talking during the trip it was cool, Monika, Maxi and Claudia get along quite well.. it was such a great pleasure to go there with them.

This time i didn't facilitate, i was more on the listening side because Max was facilitating with Claudia, it was funny... first time i listen an Argentinian facilitating, they have some funny expressions . Palenque is very rural zone, along the way there we found lot of farms, cows, chickens, horses, we often had to stop the car to let the cows cross the path!!! (and we almost hit them couple of times cause Monika was driving quite fast .. that was... like a real car race!!) Another cool thing of the trip was that I could see lot of rice plantations, i have always though they look nice... like very well organised...I could also see some very original country side houses made of wood. I didn't see them since when i was a child, it was really cool to see these people keep their costumes with t he difference that now they have electricity what they didn't have when i was a child (Oh God... i am becoming so old... i even have stories to tell!!!).

Once arriving to Palenque we were glad to find a small quiet and very clean town. Like many small towns in Ecuador they have a town centre where the most important buildings are placed. The church, the Major's office, the police department, the park and also the Hospital.

The Hospital is where we had to our training today, i was very pleased to see a very nice and clean building with several facilities one would not expect in the country side.. they even had surgery room... isn't it great? I really think Catholic Church did a great job with this health care facilities, they are really great and a big help for the communities where they are placed. Well, here some pics of Palengue... enjoy it!

The place is very clean and calmed, you can see several cars and mono taxis by the way... people are no longer using horses in the city but bicycles too.

This Hospital "Father Miguel Sesma" receives people not only from Palenque but from other small communes placed several kilometres far... one of the delegates to the session today came from a community placed an hour far from Palenque.

Off course, it was the first time all of us (except Monika) were in Palenque, so we were taking pics like real tourists .

In this pic you can see Claudia and Maxi, believe me Palenque is such a calmed quiet place... one feels like staying there, they only problem i heard is that they don't have very good internet connection... buu :(

Arriving there we met the Director of the Hospital, Mayte from Spain, she is a mature woman in charge that everything works smoothly, it is so cool to see so many foreigners working to help people in Ecuador, they are so open and friendly, it is a rewarding experience.

About the sessions, today it was all cool, there were only 10 delegates because the Hospital had to keep on working, but it was cool, mostly people from administrative departments, some nurses and a Dr. Among nurses there was a Puerto Rican woman :), wow.... i wasn't expecting so many foreigners in such small rural place. Training was fine, they had been trained before on Hiv and for what refers to medical knowledge they were quite good.

Dr Walter had worked in Guayaquil in a centre of scientific research for Hiv (I didn't know there was such a thing in this country.... amazing!!). He had trained most of workers at hospital about Hiv and some others health promoters they train from far away communities. He has done a great job!!!.

Max did a good job relaxing people and helping them to break the ice and to participate in the sessions
Well... there is no much to say about the training itself, i mean it was really fine... but it has a reason... In Palenque there are not Hiv cases known at this time. They had a case but from a far away community.

The lack of Hiv cases is actually due to several situations... not all of them good... first of all... there has not been place in Palenque offering tests for Hiv before... so perhaps the lack of cases is because none has ever test. 25 years after the illness started to spread around the world... there are still places unable to fight it... OH MY GOD!!!.

They have never ever seen a positive person, therefore they were very open to participate feeling like "cool lets know about this, anyways there is none infected nearby". When my time arrived i asked them to seat in a circle with me and i asked them what was their biggest fear about Hiv. Most common answers were:

• The risk of infecting others


• Discrimination I will face


• Lack of medicines


• How long i will live


• Fear of a pity death

I thanked them all for their participation and gave the hand to each one of them... and then i seated and told them..."by the way, you said none except Dr. Walter had ever seen a seropositive person, right?... well it's not like that anymore... because i am seropositive, i am living with Hiv and right now you have seen with your eyes a person living with Hiv and have touched him when giving me your hands". Needles to say they were quite surprised.... but it was hard... while saying all this the muscles of my face reacted... i felt like crying... my eyes got wet... my face... i could not control it... the muscles started to contract and i felt like i would cry in that specific moment.... Not sure if you understand me... it is when your face starts to contract and get like this .

I don't know if it is anxiety, or simply sadness... but i hate it. I have to fight those moments not to cry.... emotional instability is one of the things Hiv has given me since it moved to live with me.. and i don't like it. To cry involuntary and without control is not nice :((( and worst in front of others.... damn!!.

Well.. i sort of controlled myself and didn't really cried, i kept on talking, telling my story, how things happened, talking about their fears and answering from my point of view... i told them about what happened to my dermatologist, i told them about the need of preparing to give a hand to those in need...

Situation in Palenque might seem good from distance but it is actually not so much... being a small town Palenque's inhabitants still suffer of lack of education and paradigms... so when then first cases of Hiv will be detected... those people will have a hard time... really hard. I asked people in the Hospital to stand in their defence.. if in my city (the biggest of this country) we are still having people trying to expels Hiv+ kids from schools.. only because of their stupid fears.... i cannot imagine how many things can happen in that small town. Also in these communities we still have "parteras", they are women who assist other women to deliver children at their homes.. using old and insecure methods.. sometimes putting mothers and sons in risk... now imagine if one of those mothers is Hiv+.... there would not be chance to protect the child in case of such deliverance.

Not sure if you all know this but i guess i have to tell you. There is a thing called "Vertical transmission". Vertical transmission is when Hiv is transmitted from mother to child during pregnancy or deliverance. When there is a Hiv+ mother, there is a protocol that allow her to deliver her son with only a 2% risk for the child to be Hiv infected, in other countries they even have said they could reduce it to zero. The protocol is composed by some steps, like for example the mother have to take ARV meds during all pregnancy, mother cannot deliver son naturally... but with surgery, in that way we avoid the child to touch mother's blood or internal fluids in his way out during deliverance. Once the child is borned, mother cannot breast feed her son... if she does it, she would infect him with Hiv, we use supplements for maternal milk. And finally, after deliverance, the newly borned receives ARV during a period of time... usually a month to try to eradicate any possibility of infection. After the whole protocol have been accomplished children are tested for Hiv at third month if i am not wrong, if they test negative (like most of the cases following this protocol) the test is considered conclusive and we can happily say the child is Hiv-.

It is not an easy thing to do... but it is very important that mother's get tested for Hiv so we can protect their child, this is going to be one of the first points this hospital will work on. These people working here will have a big work to do... and i hope in God they will do it right, i saw them today... they are really a great bunch of people... i know they will help other's in need.

After finishing the trainings we took some time to joke.. specially Maxi because it seems some Argentinian guys are a bit metro (metrosexuals). He was talking about his skin face and how our weather has affected it. LOL... here you can see him watching himself on the mirror of Monika's car LOL :)

I think we really did a good job today. Now i am only missing a testimony, the last one.

I also met people from Care, we greeted shortly cause they were in Palenque in a hurry for some short and fast meetings before travelling to Vinces another town nearby. Well... here some pics after the training.

In the first pic you can see Maxi and Claudia.

In the second pic you can see Monika (back), Mayte from Spain and Maxi (Argentinian).

Afterward and once arriving to Guayaquil i had to pick up a folder i had left forgotten and then talked to my sister to meet in the International Book Exposition in Guayaquil, it was very nice, i met one of the AIESEC advisors at the entrance. There were several expositions and forums about different type of books and other authors, here some pics.

Well i have some pics about this but i am feeling very tired right now... 1.15am here i want to go to sleep right now. Tomorrow i will take my tests at 6.30am... i hope to have them done early so i can come back home and sleep a bit more. Dr requested me following tests

1. Hemogram


2. Glycemy


3. Cholesterol


4. Triglycerides


5. TGB/TBP


6. HCV test


7. TORCH


8. VDRL


9. CD4

Most of the tests are to identify STD (sexual transmitted diseases) and also to see my other indicators of health. I hope they withdraw blood enough for all tests tomorrow... and don't leave my body empty :) Ok--- going to sleep right now.. i feel very sleepy.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Kudai /Song: Dejame escapar /Country: Chile/Ecuador :)

Tomorrow i will have my third testimony, this time it is going to be in Palenque... a small town two hours far from my city. I have never ever been there... i am glad i am going, i like to travel (and plan to take lot of pics). Tomorrow i will finally meet Maximiliano Noboa, he is a young guy (i think my age) who is the director of Vihda Foundation, Javico knows him and said he is quite a cool guy, i have just seen Maximiliano couple of times when attending appointments with Claudia, but we have never talked, tomorrow he is picking me up then we will pick up the rest of facis and travel.

This sounds silly but i cannot find proper clothe for tomorrow... i know i said i never worried about appearance, but i want to look great in these sessions.... i want to look healthy, well dressed, like a great guy... because that's exactly what they are not expecting from a seropositive person. Perhaps that's why they get so surprised when i tell them my story....that together with my red hair which make them think i am rich guy or descendant of foreigners (speaking about paradigms of people).

I just discover since yesterday and today that my life is not going so well... and it has nothing to do with Hiv, i was reflecting and i realised i have done some stupid things that makes me dislike myself right now. Don't worry none was in danger... just me. Since some time i am thinking there is a specific point we all fail to analyse about seropositive people.... what lead them to risky behaviours?

It is clear there are no groups of risks... but people infected most of the time had one or several risky behaviours... that's the real entry for the infection, behaviours... can be addictions, lack of responsibility, promiscuity, alcohol abuse, negligence at the moment of using protection in sexual activities, and many other things. Although the real point would be... what lead people to develop risky behaviours?. Before speaking about those answers... i think i have to clarify that those risky behaviours present in people who became Hiv infected are ALSO PRESENT in people who are not infected with Hiv ...yet. So that's a point where we all have to work on. Now about the reasons that lead people to develop risky behaviorus...there are different answers... low self steem, family problems, psychological or sexual abuse in the past, feeling lost in life or careless (depression), lack of education and many other things.... the thing is... after being diagnosed Hiv, do these things get solved automatically?? NO. It does not happen.

I think that's why people have so many troubles sticking to meds and remaining alive... because even though they change their behaviours the most they can.... the basic wrong issue that lead them to those risky behaviours... is not solved yet. You can't kill a tree only by cutting it... you have to take off the roots otherwise the tree might grow again. I am not the exception... and i feel bad about it. I think i have to re plan my life... there are many things i have asked my family to help me... but i am a 30 years old guy i should solve them by myself.. which would increase the difficulties in my life... and the stress.. but it is a way to avoid listening complains from others saying "remember the way we help you". I will work about it and i will work in solving my wrong areas/issues....which is actually the hardest thing to do... i can change my food... but what about changing issues that bothered my life since xx years old? issues i might not even recognise right now but that unconsciously lead me to risky/thoughtless behaviours that took me here.... not an easy thing to solve.

I am in contact with a person from Care Ecuador, she sent me file of the project they are developing and asked me to check it and give her inputs, 26 pages... i will have lot of fun reading... even though for the first quick view... i never saw measurable numbers... i mean they want to help to reduce stigma... how do they know if it works if they don't have numbers? They are working geographically as these medical facilities are placed in specific areas they should make a census and then a survey to be filled by inhabitants... at the end of the project they should repeat the survey to see if their project was successful. I don't know why people fail in such small details. I have always been a number's lover... they helped me a lot while MCVP Exchange and Finance in Ecuador and while working as account manager in a Market research company. Well... i will read it all tomorrow and i will let you know my opinion. They will also send me the full file of the Plan against AIDS developed in Ecuador.... lets see what surprise i get from there.

My laptop died.... one more time.... that sucks!!! I still miss 100usd to pay it, and i cannot give it back because my older niece (9 years old) burned the cover with a candle...... so for some reason that laptop should be mine huh? i think i will send it to be repaired to a professional place.... mmmm... how will i pay that?... no... i better ask my sister to check it first... at least she does it for free.

Well... nothing else to talk about right now, i will try to blog tomorrow night and post pics. Have a good night 1.20am here... i need to look for nicer clothe.. and wake up tomorrow 6am to get shaved and dressed and look like a movie star :) Max picks me up at 7.30am... i should do something not to sleep so late at night.

Labels: New life, same illness

Hi, i have been trying to write this since 45min ago from this shitty laptop.... on sunday i installed an EVDO internet software but it seems i did more bad than any good to this small shit. Well... shortly...

Today i went to the Hospital to meet my dermatologist, basically to do a follow up on the dandruff treatment and i am taking and because i mentioned him 3 years ago i had some small eruptions in my leg... i had only one at beginning now they are three. Not really noticeable but since HIV gives the chance to develop cancer in different parts of the body i though it could be Karposi's Sarcoma or cancer in my skin.

Dr. checked me again and he said it was not cancer at all.... well... i guess once being positive one start thinking negative.... if that makes any sense. He said i had something with an strange name i don't remember but it was nothing important, he prescribed some cream which should be able to solve it. He also asked me about my status and my CD4 (494) and all that... he is a man with good knowledge, he is not even afraid of touching me, that's good. He was with another Dr. and they started to comment about some patient they saw last Friday who had a CD4 count of 12... yes only 12... they said this man was a believer and was praying constantly to get better... i though... "that's cool i am also a believer" then the other Dr. said "it is impossible this man to increase his CD4, quite difficult...." by that time i was about to ask them why my face gets red sometimes.... but as soon as i heard this Dr. saying such stuff.... i preferred to remain quiet... i felt afraid and ashamed.... it was not about me... but it was about me. I mean... it was not about me personally... but it was about a seropositive person...so at the end it was about me too.... people and specially Drs tend to forget we have feelings... and when they say "that seropositive is gonna die" they are saying the same to all of us..... a person is not condemned to die just because he/she is positive.... there are lot of people who live over 20 years after their diagnosis...

I though in speaking and saying... "excuse Dr. but you are wrong... this man can increase his CD4 if he eat well and follow treatment"....but i was too tired to speak up again.... i was even anxious and afraid before meeting them... Drs usually do not simulate their dislikes to seropositive people.... they who are supposed to be educated about this. I was tired to fight today so i decided to shut up and leave, i saved my questions for myself.... and went to pick up my prescriptions, they gave me 3 prescriptions and i had 2 from June from my ID Dr ..you know vitamins and stuff like that... i went there to pick up these 5 prescriptions and they gave me only ONE.

As usual they don't have all the others.... in fact, the guy serving me should have printed the other 4 prescriptions and handed them to me... but he printed only 3... and broke the paper Dr gave me.... careless..... i know how many prescriptions there were cause i counted them before going to ask for them... i knew he did it wrong, i took my meds, and the three prescriptions... and left... didn't complain.... what for? anyways i knew the bastard forgot to print the loratadine prescription... and well.. they don't have it anyways.... so i left.

I am not up to complaining nor fighting today.... perhaps i am getting into their system ..... the system when things are not right but people say nothing.... today i felt tired of complaining and fighting and seeing that none cares...... sad but true.

i will try next time something happens i will say something... even when we feel tired... we have to fight for things to be done correctly.... otherwise this world will never change. Today i took vacations of it.. hope someone else did it right for me...so i would know i am not alone claiming for my rights and for my life.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Avril Lavigne /Song: Keep holding on /Country: Canada

Well, this time the testimony went actually fine, this health care facility is placed in Perimetral way, which is a way going out of the city, the place itself is not considered exactly safe, but a car picked me up to take me there along with Claudia and Ericka (the pretty but silly psycho). Together with us there was people from Care Ecuador: Jorge and Ma. Isabel. Care is one of the organisations running this project that will provide Hiv testing and counselling to pregnant mothers and communities in different parts of the country.

This specific team working in this facility was much more knowledgeable about Hiv and Aids, something that surprised me. Still with it i have noticed that for most of the people around the world is hard to accept the truth that HIV is not a virus easily transmissible, in fact it is quite fragile, you have to have specific risky behaviour to get infected... and as sex is part of human nature... that's the way most of the people gets infected. Another thing it is hard to accept for people is that patients living with Hiv /Aids can really be a normal person, i mean we can run, sing, laugh, cry, work, rest, fight, dance, anything just like everyone else. I would say that from all my friends the only person who treats me like a normal human being is Diana Patricia, i don't think our friendship has changed since she knew about my diagnosis, in fact she has done and effort to remain close to me... something none else has done it and i appreciate because she has been a big help for taking me out of the prison i created for myself.

Still with all the good knowledge these people had, still they cried while doing the sessions, specially when there was one simulation that some of them would be diagnosed of HIV+... all those diagnosed felt depressed... a woman cried... it was not real but still it was a big shock for them and for me... I mean they were crying because of being diagnosed the way i was.... showing clearly they would not like to be on my shoes... off course none would like to, but well.. it is sad when people react like that to what i am right now.... and i can't change it.

When i disclosed my status, everybody was surprised, even people from Care Ecuador.... none ever imagine a person living with Hiv can look so fine. This time was a bit better, people were much more opened to what happen to me... it was cool. By the way, something i have realised is that since last week i have started to take the complex b and vitamin c (acid ascorbic) my body is changing a bit... my mood is high, i am much happier than before, not so tired, my hair is shinning (my mother pointed it to me... i didn't notice it) and she even said i was looking healthier than ever :). Another change is that i am so hungry these days... i could eat a cow by myself.... the problem is that i have lack of money so i eat just the necessary... thats bad... sometimes i would desire to eat and eat and eat but well... by other hand i am somehow keeping my weight controlled.

At the end of my testimony several people came to congratulated me and thank me for sharing my story... they even asked me my phone number... some others told me they had sons or relatives they wanted me to meet.... i mean that's fine i am very friendly guy... i just don't want to feel like a "hiv prevention human advertisement" that's not nice. I am just a normal human being, i think people fail to notice it... they keep on thinking "oh he is such a brave guy, he might die soon but he is still speaking about it so freely"... which is silly. I think people have no clear that HIV/AIDS DOES NOT DEFINE MY LIFE NOR WHO I AM. It also does not define anyone else. Hiv is just a small part of my life, it is something that happened to me like the flu i had three years ago or like the accident i had in Moscow two weeks before leaving... it is something that happened, but didn't shape the way i am.. or at least not much. I know i have changed... but slowly i am back to be myself, now i am smiling and laughing more... not much frustration moments, nor so much anger... nor crying nowadays :)))))) i am actually pretty fine... except for the crappy health care i am receiving.

At the end of the training i had the chance to talk to the people working for CARE and asking them some stuff about the plan to fight Aids in here and well... like i said before.. it is a mess... like a knot very well done .... so it is a hard to solve thing. I will try to see if i can get more involved in something ... so i can perhaps do something to solve this knot... even though sometimes i get just tired of reading all the fights of these people and the way they serve their own interests more than country goals.

My mother found out a place where they offered to do "spiritual healing session" that might cure me from Hiv or make the virus go back ....bullshit.

I hate these people playing games with the hope of patients and relatives.. specially if those relatives are my mother and sister.... but i somehow understand them... i guess our families would like to try any single thing that anyone offers saying it will cure hiv/aids... just because they want to send the illness away from me... it is hard, because does not matter what happen... Hiv won't go.... not right now... and does not matter how many crazy things people say i could do to get cured (since having a dialysis with ozone for ALL my blood, to jump in a elastic bed, having spiritual healing sessions, aromatherapy, electrical shocks, and so on).. the truth is that nothing of that can cure myself. If there would be a cure for this... everybody would knew it. All over the world, and that person who is able to cure us would be rich, cause no price is high for someone's life. Pitifully... we are not having cures.... but dream sellers.... that then disappear while leaving all of our families and relatives with a feeling of lost after they realise their effort was not effective that they were robbed.

Police and government should do something about it.

Tomorrow have most of the day free and i get into work around 4 pm, i will spend morning at my sister place. Well, that's the update... everything is fine with me, my stomach is ok... i am just fucking hungry these days. I am taking my vitamins everyday and i really see myself with a better face :) i like that, i was tired of feeling tired. Now i only have to work to establish a specific time schedule for the pills...because i am taking them all at different times everyday (better say... i take them at the moment i remember)... but i have to start training for the time schedule i will have to follow once starting ARVs.

Labels: New life, same illness

Tomorrow i will deliver my second testimony, i am meeting Claudia and her co worker (the pretty but silly psychologist from Social Security Hospital). We will team in this sensibility training. That's gonna be cool, i like to facilitate :) feels like AIESEC time.

I won't take my tests tomorrow... cause i don't think i will be done with them by the time Claudia will pick me up. I will take them next week. Today did a good sale. Except from something i read at night...

The next editorial note "Control of AIDS and infected ones" was published today, June 30th 2007, in El Diario Manabita, province newspaper. Being near to the National Assembly to be conformed, it is very important to open discussion about the rights of people and about the position that some sectors take. Your comment about this will be quite useful to create educational activities locally about THE RIGHTS OF PEOPLE LIVING WITH AIDS/HIV. Carlos Terán. ATP - UNFPA
_________________________________________________________

EDITORIAL - El Diario - 30 de junio 2007
CONTROL OF AIDS AND ITS INFECTED

Those who keep a systematic control of diseases like AIDS are against to disclose the names of those suffering of that illness, trying to prevent the infected ones from social discrimination that would damage their already poor health.

They explain that to the physical illness this would increase the mental and emotional discomfort, bringing consecuences, even from infected's families, because generally the critics, jokes and discrimination comes before the feeling of human solidarity.

In front of this, there is not even the intention to impose special control to their activities, leaving their actions and moral and sexual behaviour to their own will.

Understandable measure. Although, It has been known about some cases that people infected with Aids, have been infecting others intentionally.

Alarm signals, have started from entities like SOGA (protector of aids infected people) because the increase of infected ones, fear that was been confirmed by real numbers even though they have not been official yet.

Being respectful to other's pain and rights, we believe that our community is facing one of those moments where considerations for people should be re considered and re evaluated accordingly to how these people exercises their rights.

If there is a law the impose protection to the identities of infected people, this one should be reviewed to modify it in a way that does not affect the security of our community.

Who knows is carrier of death and intentionally exercises forbidden activities to multiply the disease, lose automatically his rights at the moment of becoming a menace against the security and well-being of citizens.

The respective authorities, specially health ones, should create a real epidemic control to enclosure the disease.
____________________________________________________

I replied....

Dear all, i have read this editorial gently submitted by Silvia Tello and i have to say that as a person living with HIV i have found it SAD.

It shows how few people try to get educated in an illness that in 20 years more will be considered same like cancer. Although of course... it is hard to ask some people to have some historical perspective... lets go back in time and imagine the years when cancer was firstly discovered... when there was no cure... and no treatments like those we have nowadays...wouldn't people react to the cancer patients same way they react nowadays to the seropositives ones?? what made the difference during these years was....THE EDUCATION... that's why nowadays cancer patients don't have to hide themselves... pity none is trying to get educated on HIV.

I also want to clarify something and it is a pity i don't have the email of the "journalist" writing this editorial, because i have learnt something ... one cannot deliver phrases nor numbers without a prove... phrases like "It has been known about some cases " cannot be said just like that. Some cases is how much? one? two? none?. Who said it? this journalist? the Ministry of Health? the neighbour around the corner?. Long before diagnosed seropositive i was taught one has to show proves for what we say.

Until what i know, none has established legal actions against anyone because of being infected of Hiv in this country (none gets infected of AIDS... but of HIV.. something this journalist with lack of education does not know). In case a demand like this one would be established there are tests (fenotype ones if i am not wrong) that could prove the responsibility or lack of it of the accused.... of course... these tests are expensive because nor the government nor anyone else.. have taken the time to put them available to the public, still with it they exist... and i assume you already knew them, right?.

For me the point is clear, people speak without knowing what they say. A week ago i delivered my testimony in a health care facility was a part of a sensibility training. First of all it was a huge impact for them because i am not black, nor drugs addicted, nor living a crazy life, it means i am not into the paradigm that sadly people with lack of knowledge about this illness have (i have nothing against these groups.. but it is a pity that ignorance makes people believe they are risk groups... without realising we are all in risk of this disease... same like we all could catch flu). The point i really want to emphasise is that at the end of my testimony there was a woman coming to me and asking me....

...."after diagnosed didn't you feel the desire of having sex with lot of people in infecting them with Hiv? I ask you because i knew i guy from my neighbourhood who died of aids and their family as soon as he died they burned all his clothe and all his things. They told all the people that he died happy because before dying he had infected lot of woman by having sex with them".

I replied... what you say has nothing to do with the Hiv, Hiv does not make a person bad or good... if the person is bad... he will keep on being bad with Hiv or without it. If the person is good, he will keep on being good with or without Hiv. What would happen if a thief gets infected with Hiv... it is very possible he will keep on stealing. What would happen if a priest gets infected with Hiv... he will keep on delivering his ceremonies and following his vocation (unless the church fires him...none knows how they would react).

The point is... firstly, lot of these "gossips, tales, and so on" are not based on real cases... what would happen if i would tell you "the neighbour of this woman told her, to tell me... to tell you that there are some people infecting others with Hiv intentionally". Some naives would go out running and screaming terrified (same like this journalist).. although some others would ask proves for such affirmation, because there are not known cases.

In the last six months i have received emails telling bollywood stories about things happening in Mexico... supposed bad things done by Hiv+ people.... to both emails i replied with a complain because people cannot be so naive to believe everything they read.... but yes, we still have some of those. That's why we don't improve politically, financially... we are like sheeps without critic sense... not even journalist feel ashamed of writing silly articles like this one published in this newspaper.

Are there people infecting others intensionally?... there are no proves, but lets assume there are... and not just because of being seropositives, but because they were already miss-adapted prior to their diagnosis. Hope that is clear. Although there is a need of proves before a non-aids-educated journalist comes to ask that our right of anonymity to be retired. I actually don't use it much anyways, because my family and my friends know about my diagnosis and they have assimilated it well, because they have been abroad and know that in other countries the people living with Hiv is same like the person living with heart diseases, or diabetes... just in this corner of the world people keep on freaking out. WHAT A SHAME THAT MY COUNTRY THERE ARE LOT OF IGNORANT PEOPLE ABOUT THIS ISSUE YET!.

By other hand this journalist is missing a point... assuming that there are 1 or 100 or zero people infecting others intensionally, the infection is IMPOSSIBLE if people would have protected sex like a way of living. And i hope more than one reading this is aware that scientifically and statistically condoms have proved to be effective in prevention of HIV infection. I assume i am dealing with educated people on this issue therefore i will not post url addresses of internet sites about this. Everything can be summarised in this point... the new infections does not depend on HIV positives people totally... in fact, not even in a minor percentage... because i can only be responsible of my own health, not of other's. Even though most of the people i know would disclose before having sex or if not disclosing they will be extremely careful and take safety measures not to risk anyone's health (taking into account most of the time the other person has never ever taken Hiv test), but the final responsibility and obligation belongs to each individual, something people fail to understand.

Since my diagnosis until now... i have listened 3 seronegative people to mention they are having unprotected sex and have never taken the Hiv test, in this cases they were not aware of my status. At the same time i have received at least 3 request of unprotected sex from people saying they "don't feel comfortable with using condom" simply trying to hide the fact they don't like to use protecting and have never ever protected while having sex. I have refused these offers. The final point at the end of the day will be always the same... each one of these people are responsible of their own decisions and actions. In this case i know my diagnosis and i can help not to put them in risk... even though it is not my obligation but THEIRS, but my conscience like human being guides me to behave as what i am... a good person. What would happen if i would not know my status?? if i would have not taken the eliza tests??? in that case... the person unaware of his status is not responsible for other's poor decisions. And not even now, we, seropositives might be consider responsible for wrong decisions taken by others. It is their own personal responsibility. It is being time for everybody to understand that if they use protection in their sexual relationships there is no risk of infection.

Something else this journalist fails to note ... is that for each person aware of his status, there are three not aware that they are seropositive and they keep on infecting others. It is very possible that the increase of cases could respond tot he bigger emphasis made to people to get tested and to the fact that there are tests available for free for pregnant women... being only this the way they and their husbands get to know they are infected.

Everybody always try to look at other place when they have to assume their own responsibility for their acts, why instead of looking for someone to blame this journalist starts to promote National Testing Day that is held in USA every year and is now being promoted in Latin America. During this day free Hiv tests are offered to people under the motto of "take the test, take the control" while making them understand they have to be responsible for their own health and know their status... i assume you knew all that. Perhaps we need other 10 years until Health Ministry and Education Ministry get the news and realise it is a good idea.

That without telling that the more infected ones we have... the fewer medicine available for them.... if not ask me that social security does not even have my vitamins... if it was for them i would be death already. Why none makes an article about them and their criminal way of treating me?. Why this journalist does not write about the criminal ways some government institutions and social security treat patients not only of Hiv but of other diseases too?? Perhaps this won't cause scandal... ahh... journalist and their hunger for scandals.

What would happen if in my work the would get to know about my status?? what would i do if i get fired??. Independently that i am not a risk for anyone in my work.. i can work, run, jump, play soccer, swim, and so on without being a risk for anyone.... but who will make them understand?? YOU??? this journalist??? I don't need to keep my status hidden because thats silly.... if any day something happens to me and am unconscious... none would know my disease... and i could receive a doses of something that might hurt me instead of helping me... and would end up with my life faster than Hiv... although... i have to choose between unemployment and hunger (with lack of meds) or remain the way i am and ask to God to give me time and health to work until the day something in my body fails and i would have to be in hospital for a month or two... and my boss gets to know about my disease and after that.... fired. My family knows my status and if one day i am alone and feel like dying... i just need to make a phone call and they will come fast to rescue me and safe my life. As you can see... for us it would be better not to hide our status, because while being open about it... our lives does not depend only of our hands... that with the time will become weaker and weaker... but when we are open, our lives will depend on every single person around us in a moment of need.

One day i will be on street and will be hit by a car... and i will bleed....and i might be awake after it... perhaps someone will come to help me and i will say "Mrs watch out.. i am seropositive". Apart from the fact that stepping on or touching my blood is not risky for this person (unless she has any injure that will be in contact with my blood)... the point is... what do you think this woman will do??? what would YOU do??... help me???? run away??? run away screaming watch out watch out he has aids!!! he is a sidoso!!!. Only you can answer this, but be realistic and sincere while answering. I am tired of so much hypocrisy in this country. So while people like you and this journalist would be unable to help my survival...but keep on being a risk for it and for my normal life... i don't find a right for me to disclose to you, you would not do any good to me if you knew.

It is quite easy to move your tongue or in this case your pen when your survival is not in risk... but this journalist should eat his own article cause he does not know what he is talking about.

As usual this country is upside down, and it is so disappointing to know that ignorance is allowed in written media, i think that even myself could have written a better article than this mentioned "professional".

I hope nothing i have mentioned in this email would be "new" for you, otherwise i would request you to update your knowledge about this disease... perhaps that knowledge will help you out to save someone's life some day.

warm greetings,
Juan Carlos

PS: I know i will die some day, same like any other human being.... i know it won't be sooner nor later than anyone.. it will be just in the right time. Although there is a thing i won't do... I WON'T LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE SAD, ASHAMED AND READING STUPID THINGS ABOUT ME OR MY DISEASE without saying a word... I am a seropositive person, so what? i am not a monster, in fact i am very good person, very good friend, happy and trust worthy. I am a good human being and i think TO LIVE like that until the last day of my life. We have to fear the virus NOT TO THOSE INFECTED BY THE VIRUS.... I AM NOT THE VIRUS, THE FIGHT, THIS WAR.. IS NOT AGAINST ME...i though everybody in this country knew it.

PS1: instead of "enclosing the disease" like this journalist suggest.... we should enclose him!!!

I know it was long... sorry... but i was inspired and i had to say it all. 3am here....gotta go to sleep tomorrow it is going to be a great day.

Labels: New life, same illness

If i can summarize the output of my Dr appointment today in one word it would be ... "BULLSHIT".... or perhaps CRAP....mmm i think "BULLSHITCRAP" would be more accurate.

My mother arrived on time, and we both got into Dr's office... prior to that i got my blood pressure measured and my weight as well. Last time in May i weighted 79kg today i weighted 80.5kg. About my blood pressure i know nothing about standards but the nurse said i was ok.

We got into Dr's office.. and i was nervous, but a bit confident... i mean... i only had diarrhoea for a week in the last 2 months (since May 8th where i had my last appointment), my mother was nervous too. We seated and everything started to happen again... what is my name and all that. She does not remember who i am. She asked me if i had been having any trouble and i told her i had diarrhoea two weeks ago and that it lasted a week. She asked.."why didn't you call me?"...?????? I mean.. come on it was a diarrhoea..... i was not dying of PCP.... She said i have to be more careful. I told her it might be the hamburguers i love to eat and that i might have taken one late at night but Lactobacillus and Imodium helped me.

She started to look at my folder... and then she said.."oh.. we don't have your western blot test, nor your hepatitis c test.... have you taken vaccine against hepatitis b?" I answered yes... i did... i had told her that ON MAY!!. She said... "ohh but you haven't came since April 2007!!!!". My mother told her.."he came here to meet you on May 8th" Dr replied "oh really?, then why i don't have anything noted on his folder?". The fucking bitch is not keeping track of my case... she is a bitch. She is a bastard bitch playing games with my life. All the bullshit she started to say was the same crap she told me on May... come on bitch!! don't you remember you said the same crap to me before???.

Then the biggest insult came... the bitch was doubting why the lab requested me to repeat my western blot test.... western blot and IFI tests are used to confirm HIV diagnosis on patients... i had an IFI positive test for Hiv and this hospital screwed my western blot test.... the bitch started to doubt if i was hiv positive patient or not she is such a bitch. I mean ... do i have to face this? don't they understand how nervous their fucking stupid unprofessional behavior gets me?. Ok, bitch you want to test me for Hiv once more... go for it. Then she found the IFI test and said... "ahh no.. we don't need western blot since you have already tested positive in IFI one".

Then she said to the nurse... "you see, that's why we don't work properly... these tests does not belong to him!!"

WHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT????????????????????????????????????????

What are you trying to say mother fucking bitch that you have all my tests wrong????? she got me crazy and i started to feel panic... i mean... my CD4... my other tests... i could have died already and these mother fuckers would not know. I could only ask "is the CD4 test really mine??". She looked back at it and said... "oh yes this is yours, you had 494". Careless bitch. I hate the way they act, don't they understand i have feelings and they are not talking about simple papers but about the indicators of my health state... the indicators OF MY LIFE.

Then she asked me if i had had any problem... i told her i am sometimes feeling very tired but nothing more. She ordered all tests again... and said "ah nurse, order for him a BDRM tests as well cause we need them" and i exploded...." hold on, you are asking me to do all tests again... but for example the BDRM test, i asked you last time about it and you told me i was clean... now you are asking for it again, what do you mean? you mean you didn't have it before? was it also wrong test?". She looked at me and said " I had your BDRM i am ordering a new one to update the available information on your health, the fact that you are feeling weak could mean that you have got something... some virus or anything else due to unprotected sex with someone else so i need to verify it once more. Remember that the fact you can infect someone because of having unprotected sex is not the only thing we have to care about... we also have to care about you not getting infected of any sexual disease, hepatitis or any other viral infection that a seronegative person could give you". Ok... that sounds fair.

I left with an order full of tests.... once more. I will take them the day after tomorrow cause i can only do them on thursday.... very early in the morning.... and as usual my body react to the Dr's meeting.. i left her office trembling...i could feel it... it was so physically evident... and i hate it. I left her office full of fears.... her words and her lack of professionalism didn't help me... my mind started to fly.... what if? what if? what if?.... then i tried to control me... come on Juan Carlos... be optimistic. Your weight is ok, you are feeling ok, you have played safe.... there should be nothing to worry about....anyways, before taking the tests i will copy all the things she ordered and my next appointment with her on August 14th i will make sure she has them all and with the correct name.

She said... "well... i would prescribe you complex b and acid ascorbic but there is nothing of that in the hospital... so i will let you go without any prescription". so she is a very practical bitch huh?.... My mother asked her to prescribe me the vitamins anyways, she would buy them outside the hospital for me.. same like she did a week ago.Well... lets get over this shit and keep on living, lets do the tests and wait until middle of August to see how is my life. If i can base on my personal feeling i would say my CD4 is the same of have improved a bit.... or perhaps it has declined but not so much. Time will say.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Christina Aguilera /Song: Fighter /Country: Ecuador/USA ;)

Hi, i am right now at Social Security Hospital, bringing you the last news ;)

I woke up 4.41am today.... even though i had set the alarm 4.30am. I am a bit slow when i woke up so i managed to leave home around 5.24am. I arrived Hospital at 5.40 am, last time i came there was lot of people making queue so i wanted to be early and to catch a good turn. I was the second arriving, was thinking in blogging as soon as i would arrive but there was a woman, wife of another patient, who came to chat with me.

I met her my last time here, her husband has been living with aids for the last 7 years. She is hiv negative and they are still married. We talked a lot... about living with this, her experience, the reality about access to meds and many more things... there was something i noticed and called my attention... she said she had seen lot of people dying in this hospital... i mean lot of hiv/aids patients.

In a moment i could not avoid to ask her..."how many people die of aids per year in here?" She replied: "Nowadays there are less and less people dying, lets say recently i haven't heard of any of the guys dying. Although in the past it was sort of common... but most of the deaths were not because of Hiv, they were caused because people used to have messy personal lives, were drinking a lot, or got deeply depressed.... many people went for suicide after facing deep depression". We kept on talking and i felt myself lucky... she told "it is good that you don't get depressed... that's dangerous".

And she is right, i am lucky... with all the things i hear and i have seen since diagnosed... i could be really down... but somehow... i have faith... i follow a light... i follow my hope...

I decided today i want to post about hope. My Hope.

My Hope is sometimes big and sometimes small... it is not something you can size... but there are some things i can say about my hope... my hope is REAL and is STRONG.My hope does not depend on others... nor on normal people nor on science... i am not hoping for a cure for aids to be found. I know it is possible but i also know the chances are .. that it will not happen anytime soon. My hope is not based on that, because... to live... i don't need a cure for aids.... to live i just need to be myself and keep on living the way i have always wanted and fulfilling my role in life. That's my hope... I hope i will remain myself while going through all this... and like the bibles says "whenever i walk through a dark path... you (God) will be by my side... and you will be my strength". I also hope i can help others to live better lives while fighting hiv/aids... and i hope the day that my final moment arrive i leave this world with my soul full of love. There was a movie i saw long time ago "a knight's tale" that had a wonderful phrase saying "love must end with hope".... well i would say i want my life to end with love and hope too. I am happy today... i don't feel sorry for myself... i don't feel self pity... nor consider myself in worst situation than anyone else in the world despite the hard times i have been facing all these months. I feel i am ok, i know i am going through what i had face in life... this was my path and i had to face it.... and i do it. That's the reason why i have had so many chats about life and death lately.... because i needed to realize... i am alive, and i am happy about it. I know one day i will die... but i won't force that day... and it is not going to come any time soon.... it will arrive at the right time.... in the right moment and i will happily go into the good night. Although that day is not today... and won't be tomorrow.... today i am happy with myself and the world around me.... i see lot of bad things happening to the world around and i don't complain about them today... i prefer to do something to fix them... i guess that's the best gift i can leave to everyone around me... my helping hand.

God has strange ways to do things... while leaving home.. i forgot my keys.. i have no way to get in again tonight. I called my mother... she will go home and bring my keys.. she wanted to be with my at Drs appointment but i told her there was no need. Once at hospital and taking my turn (got turn number 2) they asked me for my appointment card... oups... i forgot it at home. I called my mother and she will bring it to me.... so.... she will be with me in Drs. appointment today anyways :))) so funny... what is meant to be... is meant to be. Sometimes i feel a bit of fear of being so happy.... i feel sometimes i am enjoying my life so much right now because something might happen suddenly.... we, human beings, are not used to enjoy life... we always think something bad might come afterward.... i will work against that. Perhaps today i am just happy and calmed and optimistic because i should be.... i mean.. why not?

My heart is not ashamed.

Labels: New life, same illness

Artist: Soraya /Song: Suddenly /Country: Colombia/USA

Hi this was a sort of "normal" weekend, like those i am usually having since diagnosed. Not too many things to talk about just a couple of "particular" situations. First i can't still solve my internet connection problem. Even though i found out a way to connect through dial up, but 5 times slower than my work connection... it sucks. I might use it anyways for posting updates.

On Saturday i had an argument at work with Gary, a co worker. Rosa was having her baby-shower party and our boss asked us to contribute with some presents, she said we could buy something for about 10 usd each so we will deliver it to her. I spent 7 usd, my boss 10usd and Gary... spent 3 USD. Which seemed like an insult for me. I asked him "is that all that you will deliver to her?" and he exploded and off course, i am hiv+ boy but not silly + boy so i exploded too... i was ready for some boxing....really.. i was really ready... now, keep in mind last time i fought with someone due to my own will was when i was in 4th grade of school... and the very last time i fought with someone was in 6th grade of high-school (i was in a military high-school... so they found funny every Friday to get people boxing just out of nothing...they just chose two and said "fight"... i hated it). Anyways it was 13 years ago... but i was ready to fight with Gary... i even imagined the blood flowing ... i was angry... i was ready.... although it was not because of Rose's gift... i guess i just have some anger still inside... finally we only argued.. screamed.. and nothing else. I don't want to talk to him.

The anger could be from all those moments i have wanted to kick/hit people at hospitals... or all those times i have wanted to break everything around me and i haven't done it.. i have controlled myself... dunno if one day i will lose that self control. A fight sounds like relaxing sometimes.... but no, i am not going to look for it. I am a civilised guy.

I spent big part of Saturday at work, not working because i was free but they had internet connection and i was there making the last post on my Hiv blog. Then i came home and found an old friend online. This is a mature man, artist in his 40. I would define him like a successful guy, got lot of money, studied abroad (in Russia and other countries) and he is living here since several years. He is one of the top people in cultural environment in the country... got a great car by the way. We haven't talked in long time so we met online and arranged a chat in Fruta Bar, it was cool we talked and talked and talked. It is cool to go out and meet people again. He does not know my status and i really found no reason for telling him. We went to buy some stuff at pharmacy, and then he said "you know... there is something i haven't told you.... i have a heart disease" while he took a small green pill. I though... huh?...i mean a heart disease is something serious but it is just a disease.. how bad can it be?... and i asked (i know i should keep my mouth closed sometimes).."oh really, what do yo have?". He answered "well this is a strange disease that makes the walls of the heart become thicker and thicker.. until it is too hard for the muscle (heart) to work..... this comes from my father's family, some people have it in different levels, as for me... i am having it in the worst.. i used to be quite ok but in the last 5 years it has became worst". "Oh ... wow... i am sorry... but i think there should be treatment" - i replied... i mean.. it is hard for me now to figure out any disease that is worst than Hiv... i mean all others are supposed to be curable.

He answered "there is treatment but no cure, i have been poisoning myself with this pills for three years already and i am tired of it". When he said so... i though "guy... you have no idea on what to poison yourself with meds forever means... believe me". He only has three years in meds... people living with Aids have to keep them forever... i mean....he too.. but he is just starting.. how can he be so tired of it?, he is just beginning!!. He told me side effects of his meds are too strong.. but i still told him.. "how strong can they be man? i mean i have heard of people with terrible stuff... feeling like vomiting every time they take their pills but unable to vomit because they cannot throw the pills away... i have heard about people feeling worst with meds than without them". "That's exactly how i feel" he said. "One of the side effects of these pills is chronic fatigue... i mean.. look at me... i don't go out, i work about 14 hours per day... i really love working, i love my job.. i don't drink, i don't party, i have a normal calmed life ... my work is the only thing that fills my life.. but these pills are taking it away from me... i have to take them 3 times per day and after it i am unable to work... i am unable to stand up from bed and live... i don't want that.. i can't take them no more" - were his words. The i said "ok, i understand you... but there are different ways to deal with side effects of meds". I was very near to tell him i am hiv poz... but what for?... i preferred to use the few i have learnt about meds and side effects to somehow help him.. but his answer hit me strongly "Yes, there are different ways of dealing with side effects and thats exactly what i will do... i told you i am leaving to Canada this week,... but i haven't told you it is because i will have an experimental heart surgery to work on my heart problem". I said "what?". "Yes, there is this experimental procedure where they take off the heart from your body and work on the walls of it to make them less thick, after that they re insert the heart again and well.. after sometime, the patient should recover and see an improvement in his condition... still with it, the procedure has not been tested enough times to say if it works or not... so there is no guarantee... the Dr. who accepted me for this procedure told me it is quite safe though"- He said. I asked him.."what do you mean with experimental procedure? and what do you mean with there is no guarantee?... are you trying to say that... " "Yes, that thing is exactly what i am trying to say. It is just what you are thinking.. if things go fine.. i might be back by the end of the month... otherwise... i might not survive the surgery and will die before leaving the surgery room".

I got shocked... how can someone expose himself to such a risk?... i mean i would never take (or at least not now) take part in experimental procedures or testing of meds.. i prefer those who are already been tested. Plus.. how can someone be so aware of the risk of dying and still desire to go on with this risky plan?... Then i understood... as i said many times before... pain...

Pain is a big motivation for people... we all try to run away from it.. we all try to hide it and not to face it... and in the middle of despair... some people chose to die instead of living with it.... none likes to live with pain... and when it lasts too much... some people cannot handle it. It is like when there is fire in a tall building... and you are in the last floor... near the window... you can't leave the room... and it gets worst and worst.... you feel the fire starting to burn you... and in those moments.. in desperation... some people jump.... they know they might not survive... but desperation blows their mind... and the instinct of conservation... pulls them to go away from pain... sometimes going directly to death. I understood i was not able to advice my friend... i was not even able nor allowed to question his decision... we as human being.. should be owner of our life and our death. I learnt it with Hiv people and that is a right i reserve for myself too. As i said before... if one day i feel i need to decide to die because i don't feel like keep on going with what happens to me or my body in that time... i will. It is my right and i hope others around will respect it. Luckily i don't feel myself near of that decision right now.... but my friend is... and i could just tell him words of understanding... i had some more questions... but i wasn't sure if to ask them... he saw my face and told me "ask me anything you want... go ahead". "Do you believe in God?".. i mean i wanted to ask him what was his expectations in case he dies.. but i just didn't know how to phrase it properly... he answered "I don't believe in God... and i am not afraid to die... you know... to live poisoning myself is so fucking hard that if to die is the answer.. i am ok choosing it though. Once death i believe in reincarnation... so.. i think i somehow might be back in a way or another. Something you have to understand is that i have been living the last 8 months with a "sudden death" diagnosis... meaning that my Drs. told me that due to my condition i might have a heart attack anytime.. and i would not get over it... i have everything planned for my death since long... i have everything ordered... all....but i am still here... poisoning myself.. and i prefer to die instead of keeping on living this way... so if i have to chose between risk of living or the risk of dying... i take the bet".

I didn't know what to say... i disagree with his beliefs... because i do believe in God.. but i hope God pardons me... i just didn't feel it was the time to discuss about it, or trying to change his point of view... nor to ask him about "what if reincarnation does not exist?" i didn't feel the right of making him doubt of his decision... because i know humans have an inner conservation instinct... if he has decided to go this way... he might be living something nor i nor anyone else might understand and the only thing i could do was respect his thoughs... and wish him the best possible in the surgery room. After it, we changed topic.

Later on i was wondering myself... what was the goal of this meeting? i mean... prior to my diagnosis.. i never met people who were so close to death... i was like anyone else.. afraid of dying but never thinking about it... and now... i have a non curable disease... i hear often cases of people dying because of it.... people struggling or fighting for their lives... and even when i less expect... i meet people who might be about to die. What for? i don't get it... i don't understand what should be my lesson out of all this... i was just looking for a normal chat with someone normal... someone who might not have any trouble... he is rich, he is smart, he is successful .... but he is not happy.... he is so unhappy to even play the Russian roullette with his life.... perhaps i am not successful... but i am still fine, i am still ok... i am still myself and out of despair... perhaps in that way i won the race. Lord... i need you to explain me a bit more of what you are trying to teach me these days because i am not sure i am getting the total idea... i might be missing something... help me out.

Few mins before meeting David, my friend i mentioned above... i met Max on internet, he is a friend living with aids and actually the person who directed me to Myriam for help when i first got diagnosed. We didn't chat often... but he asked me how i was, i told him "i am fine and you?". We talked a bit more... and near the end of the chat he told me "you know.. i feel you quite ok, quite calmed... seems you have assimilated your situation quite well". I replied "i am ok, i am actually in peace with myself and comfortable with my destiny... there are few issues who bother me... but in general i am really fine". "So glad to hear that, i wish i could say the same... it seems this coming week i will establish a demand against Ecuador government due to the unavailability of tests for people living with Aids" he said. "Oh really?... that sucks, but i know it... i have never taken my viral load test so far..... so i know what you mean with it" I answered. Max is member of the coalition of people living with Aids. After this chat i met David and learnt about all this i have told you.... i feel i am missing something... i haven't taken into account some detail to complete the puzzle and learn this lesson.... there is a lesson for me in this but i don't seem to catch it... God will have to help me.. because i really want to learn... i feel... i really need to learn this lesson somehow... it will help me out in the future.

I also had a fight with someone i mentioned some weeks ago, this person knows my status because i decided to tell her... after having some adult chat... where she expressed the desire of having sex with me... i disclosed because i found her interesting not only for sex but for something more. Today we were chatting and i made a joke, she was saying she was having troubles with her teeth so i told her "ahh you have cavities in your teeth? then we can't french kiss, huh?" trying to joke and suggesting she might contagious her dental issues to me (which i am not sure.. i was just teasing her)... but she answered "you mean that if we kiss i might get infected by you?". I told her "what?". It is impossible to infect someone by kissing, not even french kissing... there are no cases registered in 25 years. I got angry... because after i disclosed to her, i gave her some addresses where she could find more info about Hiv and all her doubts... but it is clear she didn't look for anything... she kept her paradigms and wrong ideas about this. Then she said "well, i have decided i won't have sex with any seropositive person... at least not that i know.... and this not for my physical well being but for my mental one". I got angry... off course.. i like her... but i mean apart from that... she does not understand that having protected safe with a seropositive person is SAFE. There is no risk!!. Sometimes stupidity is just too big... and i told her... "you know it is very possible you have already had sex with seropostive people in the past..." and she answered "well,.... that was without knowing it.. so thats another case, but if i know.. i would never have sex with a seropositive guy"... so lil silly barbie... what do you mean?? that i should have lied to you so we could have sex??? looks like you are more blonde than i got to realise (this is what i though... i didn't talked to her this way.. i am a gentleman).... and we argued... i told her she is being discriminative, at this time i don't care about having sex with her.. but she is so stupid thinking that having protected sex with a seropositive person is bad... and she does not realise that she might have done it thousand times before... then she accepts as good the fact of having sex with a person of unknown status... because it is clear not all seropositives will come to you and tell you "Hi i have hiv"...stupid girl!!. Well.. we both got pissed off and stopped talking. Fine with me.. i haven't been close to her in 6 years... so i don't need her around anyways, and worst having such strong blondie ideas and closed mind not even interested in getting educated... as for me.. you go to the hell!!.

Well, these are my "normal" days... seeing the world from different eyes... from eyes of those risking all to win all....from the eyes of those who are not able to spend over 3 usd for someone else.... from eyes of those who risk their names to fight for other rights and access to meds and tests....from the eyes of those who prefer discriminate those who are sincere and rather believe those who might lie to them in their faces.... from the eyes of those not desiring to know the truth and accept that living or having a relationship with a seropositive person IS NOT RISKY as long as you have minimum care measures like many people do and live happily together without getting infected...... and from the eyes of those like me... willing to learn but unable to catch the whole picture yet. Life is so strange.... but i know two things for sure... everything happens for a reason.... and God has a plan for every single thing happening to us and around us.... we just need to understand it a bit more and we will realise what's the role we have to play in life. I am up to learn how to play my role in this game.... and to do it right.

Labels: New life, same illness