Nomad JuanCa's Report

Hi, not sure if i ever named a post like this before... for some reason i think i did. Anyways, today was not the brightest day of my life.

There have been several things going on in my life... specially in my personal side. Well... if you let me vent... i am tired of feeling alone and isolated. Months ago... i was feeling like that cause i slowly decided thats how i wanted things to be... but it is not the case right now, i mean i want to go out and meet people... want to have personal relationships with others... and yes... that includes sex, but it is difficult.

It is difficult cause i can't trust people around me and tell them i am hiv+. And if i do... they automatically get afraid. Like if i were a phantom... or like if i were Satan's son. And it is funny... as soon as i tell anyone i am poz, they completely lost their sexual interest in me. And you know what... I AM SICK OF IT.

Although things are not solved so easy, slowly i have simply accepted i chose the wrong place in the world to be diagnosed hiv+. There is none to talk over here.... none to ever consider for a relationship, people keep on showing interest on me... but if i ever tell them my status... they simply disappear. So i decided to stop telling... which will be easy for many of you, and you may think with that everything is solved... but no, how can you ever start a relationship with someone who does not know your health condition? what if the person discover it later on?. What to do with all the people who keep on asking me to have unprotected sex with them (without knowing my status)? How to make them understand i DON'T WANT TO? how to force them to accept it?.

It is a hard situation, specially when personal security is on risk. In Latin America if someone discovers you are hiv positive... they can talk bullshit about you, other will talk bullshit about you and if they suspect you ever did something they consider risky for them.... your life could be in risk.. or if not your life at least your personal security. I have heard so many times since diagnosed "hey... be careful of that person... i heard she/he is poz". I hate this type of gossips.

So i am like in the middle of nowhere... i can't relate to hiv- people cause they won't understand me... and i can't relate with hiv+ people... because i don't know where to find them... and second cause even if i find them... they won't understand me either. I have said before the usual profile of hiv+ people in latin america es quite basic, i have tried to talk to some of them couple of times... and no... i feel they don't understand what i say.

And more than that... there are these troubles with costumes... there are costumes we all have.. that somehow placed me here. There was a sort of lack of control in some areas of my life... and off course, sexual one was into that list. Once diagnosed... you ... better say everybody, expect you somehow fix it... change from being anormal person to a saint.... because if you do something wrong the first thing the say is "you see... he is a promiscuous.. that's why he's got hiv". Although if someone else does have lot of sex, but is not hiv+ they will simply call this person "open minded". Well.. today i had another proof that changing behaviours is hard thing to do... something not easy to achieve... and found myself repeating some mistakes from past... and feeling so stupid... and so guilty for so many things in my life.

Couple of weeks ago, a part of the Bible came to my mind... there is this part in new testament, when Jesus heals others or pardon others... when he finishes, he several times said "go and don't sin again" (Vet y no peques más). I just though this expression would simply a non connected piece of info or memory coming to my mind... but it is not that way, today... after everything happened... i learnt how hard is not fall again, and how hard is not to repeat the usual mistakes we do. Then the phrase came to my mind again.... and understood that Jesus knew how hard could it be... and how important too.... so he pardoned everybody... but remarked... "be careful and don't do it again". Yet, he knew it was hard thing to do... it is not something you can accomplish all at once, but something that takes not only a decision.. but a serious deep change in life and that is never easy.

I am starting to get tired of feeling guilty for my mistakes when none else feels that way for theirs... i feel stupid for risky my life in some situations when others are risking it even more without any contemplation. Still with it i will try to follow the advice... "go and don't sin again"

Labels: Personal